More settled

Currently feeling considerably more settled than I have been the past week. It's strange because I feel like I've never been away. I thought I'd be able to come back and just get on with what I'm supposed to be doing but my mind had/ is having other plans. I've had two spiralling episodes since I've been back. Two black days in less than two weeks whereas I've been averaging about 1.5 black days per month/ 6 weeks before I left.

Almost ex would read this as a sign that I'm not doing so well. I used to disregard his theories on this and put the black days down to "just the way I'm feeling today, you bastard" but now I tend to agree with him. 2 black days this close together is not good. A sign that I'm not coping as well as I thought I would / need to.

Monday's mood was so bad I had to cancel class, with the excuse that I'm wasn't feeling well (and I wasn't). I'm lucky to be in a position where I can do that, rather than having to turn up to work and ruin everyone's day. However, when speaking to my good friend Kim, she'd noticed that I could barely get the words out straight. On top of having a black spell, I felt really shitty about having to cancel her session, and that never has a good effect on my speaking. She insisted I get out of the house and come to her place, which I did and of course it did me the world of good. I was able to go back home in a better frame of mind. A good thing too that the kids were out of the house (1 at school and 1 at after school care), as it's never a good thing for them so see their mum like that.

My question to myself was: what was the trigger? Almost ex? Yes of course. Did he do anything wrong? Probably not, but my heightened sense of victim-ness ( i know, it's probably not a word) tells me otherwise. It tells me how he is SO rude (why don't you look up from the tv/computer when you're talking to me), how inconsiderate he is (how dare you treat me like I'm this huge bother in your life you inconsiderate, I-do-everything-for-you, prick) and how I would really rather LOVE to live back in Australia and not have to tolerate each other.

Ahhhhh, so that's it, I still haven't resolved the "I don't want to be living here" thing. I don't, but I have to, for the kids. And I'd better make good of it because it will affect the kids if I don't. I can't afford (mentally) to have a hissy fit everytime I focus on the fact that I don't like living here. Our situation is just what it is and there are plenty of people who have it much worse than I do.

So after speaking with Kim, who reliably tells me that I have to stay and everything will be OK, I'm ready to work on my attitude again and get my pre-Australia strength back.

Onwards and upwards, things could be worse. Soldier on and all of that.

Cheers