Good luck: Yesterday I joined the Emirates Airlines flyer programme and I've booked my tickets home for December - 27th Nov - 28th December.
Bad luck: Their prices have risen 200 sing dollars since last week.
Good luck: I was glad they still had seats available during this peak period time.
Bad luck: I was feeling anxious because the prices had risen and so didn't want to wait any longer to get my tickets.
Good luck: The web site filled in my ticket details using information from the flyer program which is in my maiden name.
Bad luck: My passport is in my married name.
Good luck: I realised my mistake fairly quickly.
Bad luck: Not quick enough - the transaction had already gone through.
Good luck: After I contacted Emirates via email, they said they could change it.
Bad luck: It's going to cost me an extra 100 sing dollars.
Good luck: Lessons learned: Never change your name after you marry, even if you think it will be better because your kids don't look like you. Never book airline tickets in a hurry. If your instinct tells you that this is the best price you're going to get, book them.
And so to today:
Bad luck: 2 out of 4 of my son's permanent molars have big cavities in them.
Good luck: His oral hygiene is good and his diet is OK - he doesn't eat sweets.
Bad luck: I didn't want to take him back to the dentist we used last time because of his impatience and condescending attitude.
Good luck: My mother in law knows a dentist who is a friend of hers.
Bad luck: She works at the government clinic
Good luck: The clinic admit my son and don't seem to realise he's a foreigner.
Bad luck: The clinic seems busy and the waiting area is a bit ordinary.
Good luck: My MiL's friend calls for us personally, so we don't have to wait.
More good luck: Inside the dental surgery the room is sparkling clean and all those in attendance are clothed in hygienic protection gear. This is about a 1000% improvement on the private clinic we attended a few months back, where strangely, the dentist is also a lawyer!!!
Bad Luck: My son has at least 6 (SIX) teeth that have cavities in them, and yet the dentist also tells me that the white marks on his teeth are due to too much flouride!! WTF?
Good luck: She tells me that the work done by the other dentist has fallen out and she will fill it without using the drill.
More good luck: She says that these days they treat children quite differently and don't really need to use the machines and that she can fill some of his milk teeth too.
Great luck: She's an experienced dentist and really sounds like she knows her stuff. I am immensely grateful to her and almost cry. She gets on with the job and is a patient and gentle dentist. My son doesn't flinch a bit and when it comes time for him to rinse, he manages to spit into the small sink (at the other dentist, he was so unco-ordinated he spat most of it on the floor - the nurse was not impressed.
Fantastic luck: After profusely thanking her, she gives us another appointment and we go home - we didn't have to pay because kids in Malaysia get free dental treatment from Government hospitals.
Enough luck. Now to solve the mystery of why my son, with his pretty good diet and good oral hygiene has so much trouble with his teeth, which seem unnaturally 'soft'.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
5 Hours
Today my son and daughter went to school. No big deal there, it was a replacement day for a holiday they'll be having in a few months time. Except that today, my son spent 5 hours sitting on the hall floor watching some school videos. Poor kid - sore backside and sore legs and that floor is filthy. Trouble was when he told me about it, I got annoyed with the school and said so and then daughter started crying about it all, saying that now I'll probably want them to go to school in Australia.
This is a legacy of past behaviour when I'd speak without thinking about who was listening, saying what I thought of the schools here and how Australia has a better system. I feel terribly guilty that I wasn't as aware then and I've planted in her mind that if things aren't perfect at school here, then I'm going to pull them out of school.
Now I've got to repair that damage. I reassured her that no, I wouldn't be pulling them out of school and that I was quite happy with their school now and that this is just one thing that's happened. And anyway, I told them, where else in the world would you be able to learn chinese like you are now. No, this is our life here and now and that's what we have to think about.
When I come back, I'll tell my family that we're not allowed to discuss any plans for the future. It just makes the present too hard for the kids. Too hard and they don't need the stress. And I don't either. One of the main reasons I'm able to stay as stable as I am right now (even though it's a little fragile), is because I live in the present - I don't think too much about the future, beyond some vague plan of coming back in 2 - 3 years time. But I focus on the present, the kids I teach, the meals I cook, the things we do together, because that is really all we have. That's all any of us ever have. The past is gone, can't change that. No-one can predict the future - look at Michael Jackson (RIP) - who knew? - so we need to live in the now.
In other matters, we've just had parent-teacher day. The kids did quite well in their reports. Mostly A's and B's and a couple of C's for both of them. According to his teacher, my son's behaviour is excellent. I'm glad he know's his limits there, but I also know that he knows the approximate length of each teachers cane and which teachers use it and which ones don't and I know that is contributing to his good behaviour. Otherwise, they are happy and settled in school and really, I wouldn't dream of pulling them out.
This is a legacy of past behaviour when I'd speak without thinking about who was listening, saying what I thought of the schools here and how Australia has a better system. I feel terribly guilty that I wasn't as aware then and I've planted in her mind that if things aren't perfect at school here, then I'm going to pull them out of school.
Now I've got to repair that damage. I reassured her that no, I wouldn't be pulling them out of school and that I was quite happy with their school now and that this is just one thing that's happened. And anyway, I told them, where else in the world would you be able to learn chinese like you are now. No, this is our life here and now and that's what we have to think about.
When I come back, I'll tell my family that we're not allowed to discuss any plans for the future. It just makes the present too hard for the kids. Too hard and they don't need the stress. And I don't either. One of the main reasons I'm able to stay as stable as I am right now (even though it's a little fragile), is because I live in the present - I don't think too much about the future, beyond some vague plan of coming back in 2 - 3 years time. But I focus on the present, the kids I teach, the meals I cook, the things we do together, because that is really all we have. That's all any of us ever have. The past is gone, can't change that. No-one can predict the future - look at Michael Jackson (RIP) - who knew? - so we need to live in the now.
In other matters, we've just had parent-teacher day. The kids did quite well in their reports. Mostly A's and B's and a couple of C's for both of them. According to his teacher, my son's behaviour is excellent. I'm glad he know's his limits there, but I also know that he knows the approximate length of each teachers cane and which teachers use it and which ones don't and I know that is contributing to his good behaviour. Otherwise, they are happy and settled in school and really, I wouldn't dream of pulling them out.
Friday, June 26, 2009
renewed visa
Yesterday was a biggish day, the kind that makes me nervous and used to require a tiny dose of xanax to get me through - not this time though. Ex and I had to travel to Johor Baru, sans kids, the capital of our state Johor and two hours drive away, to renew my visa.
I was nervous because there was a chance that things could go wrong, that I'd forget stuff and ex would get angry and stressed. I hate doing that to him. So in light of that, I did everything in my power to make everything go right.
- kids organised to go to mother in laws and get picked up from school by brother in law
- enough money
- documents and paperwork organised
- phonecall to immigration department to check fees, paperwork required and office hours - this required the woman to leave the phone to find out the answers three separate times.
- pen and notebook packed
- phone charged
- kids uniforms ironed and packed to go to mother in laws
- kids homework completed, homework files and school bags packed.
- change of clothes and toiletries packed for after school shower
- breakfast packed to give to mother in law so the kids could eat their regular breakfast. Cereal, milk, bread and peanut butter- she doesn't have any of these things
- water and snack box packed for school.
Ex looked over at the things I'd prepared and said "Gee, you did a great job preparing all that!!"
I had everything done. I got up at 6.30 so we could leave at 7.30. We were ready and we left on time. We were on the road to JB at 7.35. 20 minutes into our journey, I woke from my snooze thinking that I'd just better check my passport, just in case.
And guess what!! ... it wasn't my passport in there, it was my daughters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Arrrgghh
I couldn't believe it. I was so angry with myself. All that preparation and I stuff up the most important thing. TURN BACK, I said and ex did. I expected anger and frustration from him, terse looks and lots of sighing.
I got calmness, words of don't worry, better that you find out now than when we get there and you can't do anything about it. He was calm and reassuring. I was surprised and then my own anger subsided and though still unhappy with myself (the way most people are when they do something so stupid), managed to 'recover' within 5 or so minutes. When I asked him later how it was that he didn't get stressed he said that it was because I'd made such a huge effort to get everything right and that this was only one thing and he's learned that he has to let it go because getting angry never helps. In our previous life, so many things would go wrong, it was all he could do not to get frustrated and angry. So things HAVE changed, me and him both.
(In hindsight, maybe this was 'meant' to happen, so that both of us could see how the other has changed - I certainly saw a difference in his reaction and though it was my mistake, he could see how I'd thoroughly prepared everything else - so Tolle's 'you need to have this experience' really comes to life in this sense)
The trip back home to exchange passports was quick enough and as ex said 'meant to be' as we both needed the toilet, as you do in the morning. Back on the road again, feeling MUCH better, we made our way to the Immigration department and had the visa completed within the hour. Now this has got to be some sort of record for them. Previous attempts to renew my visa have taken at least 6 hours, with most of that just waiting for them to process the paper work. However, this time, things were different. They've smartened up, they've renovated. The forms you need to collect and fill out are now available in the same room, instead of having to go all the way downstairs. The airconditioning was working. There were seats available to sit on and there weren't nearly as many people waiting as there had been previously. So we lodged the forms, waited maybe 20 minutes, paid the fee, waited another 20 minutes and collected my passport, with visa intact, which was surprising because the chickie on the phone told me it would take two weeks to process. That's something that hasn't changed - the people on the phones rarely give out the correct information.
Soooooo, the day turned out well. After that , we went for a bit of shopping and ex introduced me to one of his "JB friends" - those he goes to see when he goes away for the weekend. I hated it when ex introduced me and used the word wife, though there's nothing I can do about that because according to everyone else, that's who I am. So this guy took us for lunch and I pretended to enjoy it. It was bak kuh teh - literally meat bone tea. I don't mind this dish but the meat was tough and it was bloody hot in the restaurant. Give me a nice light pasta any day.
The best part of the day was shopping at Cold Storage afterwards - export grade topside and minced beef, chopped chicken pieces, pork fillet, kalamata olives, fresh chat potatoes, decent sausages for the kids, swiss mushrooms and nice crisp butter lettuce, real tim tams from Australia (there's another type that are manufactured in Indonesia and they're a chocolate wafer biscuit and no where close to the real thing) - and lindt dark chocolate (which, a day later, is almost finished). When I was looking around the supermarket, I could have picked up so much stuff, but I limited myself to a few goodies and the rest is fresh and healthy.
So I'm reasonably happy. The freezer is full and we have a few luxury things to eat. I was positively drooling while I was shopping - god I miss the food back home. When you're in the supermarket next, look at the shelves people - just look at them and appreciate the variety and freshness of the things there. Then go to the butcher's and linger over the clean, red meat and say to yourself, I am lucky to live in Australia, where we have really good produce and high standards of hygiene. And smile, because you are lucky.
Have a nice day.
I was nervous because there was a chance that things could go wrong, that I'd forget stuff and ex would get angry and stressed. I hate doing that to him. So in light of that, I did everything in my power to make everything go right.
- kids organised to go to mother in laws and get picked up from school by brother in law
- enough money
- documents and paperwork organised
- phonecall to immigration department to check fees, paperwork required and office hours - this required the woman to leave the phone to find out the answers three separate times.
- pen and notebook packed
- phone charged
- kids uniforms ironed and packed to go to mother in laws
- kids homework completed, homework files and school bags packed.
- change of clothes and toiletries packed for after school shower
- breakfast packed to give to mother in law so the kids could eat their regular breakfast. Cereal, milk, bread and peanut butter- she doesn't have any of these things
- water and snack box packed for school.
Ex looked over at the things I'd prepared and said "Gee, you did a great job preparing all that!!"
I had everything done. I got up at 6.30 so we could leave at 7.30. We were ready and we left on time. We were on the road to JB at 7.35. 20 minutes into our journey, I woke from my snooze thinking that I'd just better check my passport, just in case.
And guess what!! ... it wasn't my passport in there, it was my daughters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Arrrgghh
I couldn't believe it. I was so angry with myself. All that preparation and I stuff up the most important thing. TURN BACK, I said and ex did. I expected anger and frustration from him, terse looks and lots of sighing.
I got calmness, words of don't worry, better that you find out now than when we get there and you can't do anything about it. He was calm and reassuring. I was surprised and then my own anger subsided and though still unhappy with myself (the way most people are when they do something so stupid), managed to 'recover' within 5 or so minutes. When I asked him later how it was that he didn't get stressed he said that it was because I'd made such a huge effort to get everything right and that this was only one thing and he's learned that he has to let it go because getting angry never helps. In our previous life, so many things would go wrong, it was all he could do not to get frustrated and angry. So things HAVE changed, me and him both.
(In hindsight, maybe this was 'meant' to happen, so that both of us could see how the other has changed - I certainly saw a difference in his reaction and though it was my mistake, he could see how I'd thoroughly prepared everything else - so Tolle's 'you need to have this experience' really comes to life in this sense)
The trip back home to exchange passports was quick enough and as ex said 'meant to be' as we both needed the toilet, as you do in the morning. Back on the road again, feeling MUCH better, we made our way to the Immigration department and had the visa completed within the hour. Now this has got to be some sort of record for them. Previous attempts to renew my visa have taken at least 6 hours, with most of that just waiting for them to process the paper work. However, this time, things were different. They've smartened up, they've renovated. The forms you need to collect and fill out are now available in the same room, instead of having to go all the way downstairs. The airconditioning was working. There were seats available to sit on and there weren't nearly as many people waiting as there had been previously. So we lodged the forms, waited maybe 20 minutes, paid the fee, waited another 20 minutes and collected my passport, with visa intact, which was surprising because the chickie on the phone told me it would take two weeks to process. That's something that hasn't changed - the people on the phones rarely give out the correct information.
Soooooo, the day turned out well. After that , we went for a bit of shopping and ex introduced me to one of his "JB friends" - those he goes to see when he goes away for the weekend. I hated it when ex introduced me and used the word wife, though there's nothing I can do about that because according to everyone else, that's who I am. So this guy took us for lunch and I pretended to enjoy it. It was bak kuh teh - literally meat bone tea. I don't mind this dish but the meat was tough and it was bloody hot in the restaurant. Give me a nice light pasta any day.
The best part of the day was shopping at Cold Storage afterwards - export grade topside and minced beef, chopped chicken pieces, pork fillet, kalamata olives, fresh chat potatoes, decent sausages for the kids, swiss mushrooms and nice crisp butter lettuce, real tim tams from Australia (there's another type that are manufactured in Indonesia and they're a chocolate wafer biscuit and no where close to the real thing) - and lindt dark chocolate (which, a day later, is almost finished). When I was looking around the supermarket, I could have picked up so much stuff, but I limited myself to a few goodies and the rest is fresh and healthy.
So I'm reasonably happy. The freezer is full and we have a few luxury things to eat. I was positively drooling while I was shopping - god I miss the food back home. When you're in the supermarket next, look at the shelves people - just look at them and appreciate the variety and freshness of the things there. Then go to the butcher's and linger over the clean, red meat and say to yourself, I am lucky to live in Australia, where we have really good produce and high standards of hygiene. And smile, because you are lucky.
Have a nice day.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Crash!, but I'm OK now.
Well, well, well, here I am, way on the other side of Saturday, the shittiest day for me in a long time. It started off OK, I got through 'the English class', dropped the kids off at piano and when I came home, the world came crashing down around my ears. And I still don't have any idea why. It was the 'spiral' coming to get me. All the bad feelings I've had in the past, the resentments, the anger and frustration all there together in one big bucketload of shit, sitting there in my gut, hit me as a walked in through the door.
I knew what it was. I went to my room and lay down. There was a pain in my head, yet I didn't have a headache. At that point, I probably should have taken xanax, but I didn't. I forced myself to think about other things. Kids, teaching, Adam Lambert, visa -- hah, my mind grabbed on to that. My visa needs renewing and I needed to talk to ex about it - NOW! That would do it, I thought, a distraction and this would go away.
I went, we talked, I thought I was being normal, he agreed to and with everything I said straight away and he left. I lay down on the couch and felt around in my head to see if the spiral was still there. It was. In the distance, I heard a loud "ok" coming from ex's room. I couldn't make sense of it, so let it sit for a few minutes and then went and asked him "did you just shout something?" No he said, he didn't. OK I said and went to my room again to lie down. The tension was palpable. I went to my computer. I needed more distractions. He came in, knocking politely before he did so. "What" I snapped, and then more gently "Sorry, what's up?" I did say something he said, but it was a good few minutes before you came and asked me about it. He then proceeded to tell me that he'd picked up on my 'bad vibes' and got this awful feeling about him and while he tried to ignore it, he couldn't and so he needed to calm himself down - hence the shouting, but it was a full 5 minutes before I'd asked him about it, that why he'd said, no, I didn't JUST say anything. My mood made him shudder he said and brought back a lot of old, bad memories. I know, I said, it's scaring the hell out of me, I've worked so hard and here it is, sitting in my head like a bucket full of shit and I don't know what to do with it. I was so scared, it was all so horribly familiar. We talked it through, he said it will pass, I agreed, but I've got to go through it first. He says he has feelings like this too, when he's sad and lonely and sometimes angry and he tries to listen to motivational tapes or read to help him through it. I'm not the only one going through this, was his message.
He gets angry at me sometimes when the kids are with me in my room, like I'm trying to hide them away from him. I can't help it that they want to come to me and I often tell them to go spend time with papa, but they don't want to. It's not my fault. I let him speak but then told him this later on because I thought it important that he know that I'm not trying to work against him. I'm actually working very hard at making it easier for him by spending more time in my room and giving him the space to spend time with the kids on his own. I can't help it if he doesn't always take that opportunity and prefers to sleep or watch 'man' tv (history channel, war movies, military shows, golf and news).
Meltdowns, spirals, what ever you want to call them, come as a package, I've come to realise. First there is anger (I hate this place and situation), then there is resentment (you are keeping me here and I hate you for it), then there is frustration and jealousy (why do you get to go on with your life and I don't, I'm stuck here blah, blah) and then there's the longing to reconcile (why can't we just make this work, we're doing so well now, why can't we?) because I do get lonely and I do get sad about this whole shitty business. I lament what could have been... In the course of our words, he mentioned that I'd changed so much - nice little acknowledgment. I thought, so has he - he's not as critical and more tolerant of my mistakes. He lets a lot of things go, which is a big deal for him as far as I'm concerned. It's strange to think, but 'we' are better than we've ever been.
After the horrendous afternoon, which was in fact, just one hour, we ended up taking the kids for lunch together and then coming home. I'd promised the kids a swim in the afternoon and so took them, even though it was the last thing I felt like doing. They swam and I sat out and wrote in my notebook, thankful for them being occupied for the next 45 minutes. I don't want to waste my thoughts so I'll write it again here.
"Blogging without a blog"
I'm at the pool with the kids, a coolish breeze blowing and an ultralight aircraft buzzing in the background. I'm sitting on the sidelines today, a rare thing for me, as I prefer to be in the water.
But not today. Today I need space from them (the kids) and their fights, their tantrums and grumpy faces, their pointy elbows which stick into my sides at the most annoying moments. I even need space from the touches and smiles, and silly, little jokes because I cannot enjoy them. I just need space for this mood to clear. And what a mood it turned out to be. That sick angry feeling was back. It's so scary. I tried to put it away - no good. The anguish pulled at me and my head hurt. The worry overwhelmed me...
That's when my kid's friends mother turned up. I know her a bit, so was obliged to chat and make happy. It was a good distraction. I like her and she speaks English well. Her two daughters attend my English class on Saturday mornings - indeed, it was at her request that I started this class in the first place, for which I am now rather grateful, given the benefits it gives me.
I saw the rest of the weekend out in 'recovery mode' - lying low, taking care of myself and the kids. We made Cowboy cookies together and had a nice supper on Sunday night for Father's day. Cookies and milo for 4. It was good.
It's Monday night now. I'm listening to Paul Potts (blogging music) and going to bed to read "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. I thought I'd tackle this because I've finished the books I bought and couldn't find anything else at the library. The library here is not good, though they try. They have copious copies of the English classics, but modern novels are rare or maybe they're all borrowed (lent?) out. I'm finding Great Expectations a challenging read because of the old style language and spelling and I can't help but think other people here would have more trouble than me. It's been borrowed out twice before, I wonder how the other people got on with it. I was ready to put it down after two pages, but I forced myself to push through and I'm determined to finish the damn thing.
At least it will keep me occupied and perhaps help keep those nasty moods away.
I knew what it was. I went to my room and lay down. There was a pain in my head, yet I didn't have a headache. At that point, I probably should have taken xanax, but I didn't. I forced myself to think about other things. Kids, teaching, Adam Lambert, visa -- hah, my mind grabbed on to that. My visa needs renewing and I needed to talk to ex about it - NOW! That would do it, I thought, a distraction and this would go away.
I went, we talked, I thought I was being normal, he agreed to and with everything I said straight away and he left. I lay down on the couch and felt around in my head to see if the spiral was still there. It was. In the distance, I heard a loud "ok" coming from ex's room. I couldn't make sense of it, so let it sit for a few minutes and then went and asked him "did you just shout something?" No he said, he didn't. OK I said and went to my room again to lie down. The tension was palpable. I went to my computer. I needed more distractions. He came in, knocking politely before he did so. "What" I snapped, and then more gently "Sorry, what's up?" I did say something he said, but it was a good few minutes before you came and asked me about it. He then proceeded to tell me that he'd picked up on my 'bad vibes' and got this awful feeling about him and while he tried to ignore it, he couldn't and so he needed to calm himself down - hence the shouting, but it was a full 5 minutes before I'd asked him about it, that why he'd said, no, I didn't JUST say anything. My mood made him shudder he said and brought back a lot of old, bad memories. I know, I said, it's scaring the hell out of me, I've worked so hard and here it is, sitting in my head like a bucket full of shit and I don't know what to do with it. I was so scared, it was all so horribly familiar. We talked it through, he said it will pass, I agreed, but I've got to go through it first. He says he has feelings like this too, when he's sad and lonely and sometimes angry and he tries to listen to motivational tapes or read to help him through it. I'm not the only one going through this, was his message.
He gets angry at me sometimes when the kids are with me in my room, like I'm trying to hide them away from him. I can't help it that they want to come to me and I often tell them to go spend time with papa, but they don't want to. It's not my fault. I let him speak but then told him this later on because I thought it important that he know that I'm not trying to work against him. I'm actually working very hard at making it easier for him by spending more time in my room and giving him the space to spend time with the kids on his own. I can't help it if he doesn't always take that opportunity and prefers to sleep or watch 'man' tv (history channel, war movies, military shows, golf and news).
Meltdowns, spirals, what ever you want to call them, come as a package, I've come to realise. First there is anger (I hate this place and situation), then there is resentment (you are keeping me here and I hate you for it), then there is frustration and jealousy (why do you get to go on with your life and I don't, I'm stuck here blah, blah) and then there's the longing to reconcile (why can't we just make this work, we're doing so well now, why can't we?) because I do get lonely and I do get sad about this whole shitty business. I lament what could have been... In the course of our words, he mentioned that I'd changed so much - nice little acknowledgment. I thought, so has he - he's not as critical and more tolerant of my mistakes. He lets a lot of things go, which is a big deal for him as far as I'm concerned. It's strange to think, but 'we' are better than we've ever been.
After the horrendous afternoon, which was in fact, just one hour, we ended up taking the kids for lunch together and then coming home. I'd promised the kids a swim in the afternoon and so took them, even though it was the last thing I felt like doing. They swam and I sat out and wrote in my notebook, thankful for them being occupied for the next 45 minutes. I don't want to waste my thoughts so I'll write it again here.
"Blogging without a blog"
I'm at the pool with the kids, a coolish breeze blowing and an ultralight aircraft buzzing in the background. I'm sitting on the sidelines today, a rare thing for me, as I prefer to be in the water.
But not today. Today I need space from them (the kids) and their fights, their tantrums and grumpy faces, their pointy elbows which stick into my sides at the most annoying moments. I even need space from the touches and smiles, and silly, little jokes because I cannot enjoy them. I just need space for this mood to clear. And what a mood it turned out to be. That sick angry feeling was back. It's so scary. I tried to put it away - no good. The anguish pulled at me and my head hurt. The worry overwhelmed me...
That's when my kid's friends mother turned up. I know her a bit, so was obliged to chat and make happy. It was a good distraction. I like her and she speaks English well. Her two daughters attend my English class on Saturday mornings - indeed, it was at her request that I started this class in the first place, for which I am now rather grateful, given the benefits it gives me.
I saw the rest of the weekend out in 'recovery mode' - lying low, taking care of myself and the kids. We made Cowboy cookies together and had a nice supper on Sunday night for Father's day. Cookies and milo for 4. It was good.
It's Monday night now. I'm listening to Paul Potts (blogging music) and going to bed to read "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. I thought I'd tackle this because I've finished the books I bought and couldn't find anything else at the library. The library here is not good, though they try. They have copious copies of the English classics, but modern novels are rare or maybe they're all borrowed (lent?) out. I'm finding Great Expectations a challenging read because of the old style language and spelling and I can't help but think other people here would have more trouble than me. It's been borrowed out twice before, I wonder how the other people got on with it. I was ready to put it down after two pages, but I forced myself to push through and I'm determined to finish the damn thing.
At least it will keep me occupied and perhaps help keep those nasty moods away.
Friday, June 19, 2009
undercurrent
There's a rather ugly river of thoughts streaming through the deeper recesses of my mind. These are the thoughts that so often got me into trouble in days gone past. Even though I'm doing well, these thoughts still exist if I indulge them. Now I've learned to put them away and focus on more constructive things, they no longer demand the attention they once did. I can function now and not even notice them, whereas they used to dominate most of my waking hours and indeed, some of the sleeping ones - poisoning everything I touched, making me angry and resentful.
There's no doubt that these awful thoughts come to light when ex does something that I think is stupid, thoughtless or even just away from us. My mind screams "it's not fair". Like when he's away, as he is at the moment. Maybe I shouldn't even be writing about them, indulgent as it seems to be.
A friend mentioned to me once that single parenting thing is hard and that two accessible parents are better than one. I think that she's right and I often think about that point when I feel like I want to come home. The things is though, I'm doing 90% of the parenting myself anyhow! I take care of the kids basic needs for food, bathing and medical. I play with them, solve their problems, mediate their arguments, take them out, take them on holidays so they have fun, deal with their homework and ferry them around. I take them out for dinner and even to their grandmother's so that they can visit her. I talk to them, read with them, sit with them, comfort them and make cookies with them, even when I don't feel like it. If I go to my room for some time to myself, I inevitably end up with the both of them hanging out with me while ex is outside watching tv or in his room. They also come to work with me, when ex is out of town. So my point at this stage is, WTF am I doing here??????????????????????????
If I focus on this, the anger boils up and I get angry really quickly. Actually, now that I think about it, the crabbiness from the last two days is probably these thoughts pushing themselves to the surface, clambering to be noticed and acknowledged. You know how it is when something that needs to be acknowledge, gets ignored? It'll manifest itself in other ways so that you just can't ignore it. So here we are.
So, alright then, I know I'm not really happy with this situation and I wish ex would step up to the plate more. He does sometimes and when he does, I make a point of noticing. However, if I were him, in this situation, I'd be a little more involved. But I'm me and I can't control him. And I don't want to speak to him about it either. It's his decision, his choice. As it stands, I'll still keep my commitment to stay and not run off. I'll go back to Australia for a holiday and enjoy the hell out of myself (drinks anyone?) and come back here for another year of schooling. I'll try to do what works and keep myself stable and not jeopardise the good work I've done. I'll teach and do a good job at it. I'll read more, blog more and above all, keep watching Adam Lambert (American Idol, runner up) because that man, gay as he is, makes me forget all the shitty thoughts in my head. Who knew that eye-liner could look so good on a guy? LOL.
it's 2.36am. Time to sleep, except that now I'm hungry. Night all.
There's no doubt that these awful thoughts come to light when ex does something that I think is stupid, thoughtless or even just away from us. My mind screams "it's not fair". Like when he's away, as he is at the moment. Maybe I shouldn't even be writing about them, indulgent as it seems to be.
A friend mentioned to me once that single parenting thing is hard and that two accessible parents are better than one. I think that she's right and I often think about that point when I feel like I want to come home. The things is though, I'm doing 90% of the parenting myself anyhow! I take care of the kids basic needs for food, bathing and medical. I play with them, solve their problems, mediate their arguments, take them out, take them on holidays so they have fun, deal with their homework and ferry them around. I take them out for dinner and even to their grandmother's so that they can visit her. I talk to them, read with them, sit with them, comfort them and make cookies with them, even when I don't feel like it. If I go to my room for some time to myself, I inevitably end up with the both of them hanging out with me while ex is outside watching tv or in his room. They also come to work with me, when ex is out of town. So my point at this stage is, WTF am I doing here??????????????????????????
If I focus on this, the anger boils up and I get angry really quickly. Actually, now that I think about it, the crabbiness from the last two days is probably these thoughts pushing themselves to the surface, clambering to be noticed and acknowledged. You know how it is when something that needs to be acknowledge, gets ignored? It'll manifest itself in other ways so that you just can't ignore it. So here we are.
So, alright then, I know I'm not really happy with this situation and I wish ex would step up to the plate more. He does sometimes and when he does, I make a point of noticing. However, if I were him, in this situation, I'd be a little more involved. But I'm me and I can't control him. And I don't want to speak to him about it either. It's his decision, his choice. As it stands, I'll still keep my commitment to stay and not run off. I'll go back to Australia for a holiday and enjoy the hell out of myself (drinks anyone?) and come back here for another year of schooling. I'll try to do what works and keep myself stable and not jeopardise the good work I've done. I'll teach and do a good job at it. I'll read more, blog more and above all, keep watching Adam Lambert (American Idol, runner up) because that man, gay as he is, makes me forget all the shitty thoughts in my head. Who knew that eye-liner could look so good on a guy? LOL.
it's 2.36am. Time to sleep, except that now I'm hungry. Night all.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
crap
That's what I feel like today, following on a bit from last night. I don't know why. I feel lonely, shitty and to top it off, crabby with the kids. My son is driving me crazy. He's soooo stubborn, wanting to explain every little detail of his misdemeanours - what, when and most importantly WHY! His favourite thing to say is "MUMMY, I have to tell you something, and it's really important and I need to tell you right now". This usually precedes the WHY of something that he did or wants to do that I've already said no to ten times in a row. I never remember talking back to my parents like that.
And it's not like we haven't tried to stop it - "no means no", timeout, "stop talking, now", walking away and ignoring him and probably a dozen other things. But once he's got something in his head that he needs to get out, that's it, it's gotta come out. And being the main parent, who seems to do all the parenting lately, I get the brunt of it.
I know this feeling he has. Desperate, angry, frustrated that the other person doesn't want to hear you. It must be horrible for him. I can see the pain etched all over his face, a dead-set reflection of my own anger and frustration whenever I think I'm not being listened to. The pre-cursor to (for me) dangerous meltdowns. I hope it's not going to be the same for him. Perhaps I've given it to him, though he's never seen me meltdown directly. Maybe he picked it up in my energy along the way. I don't know and I don't know what to do about it. Most times I stay calm, but sometimes I get a bit beside myself.
It gets tiring, having to deal with it everyday. Not a day goes by that my son and I don't clash over something that he's done or said. In fact, I'd say that when he's at home, it's almost every hour. If I leave him be, it's OK, he goes and does what he wants to do, but I can't leave him alone all the time. There's things to be done, homework, showers, dinner, all the normal stuff that we've just got to do. For him to get these things done, I've got to be on him the whole time because he gets distracted. I can't count the number of times I've caught him doing something with his underpants half way up his legs because he's gotten himself distracted while he's supposed to be getting dressed.
When he was younger, a lot of people say, family included, that I was too soft on him and I often wonder if this has contributed to how he is now. I probably was too soft on him, but he didn't have anyone else. His father was too angry with me and in turn, rather distant from the kids, especially our boy and there was no-one else for him to bond with. We weren't near my family and it wasn't like ex's family came running over to play with him, though they didn't hesitate to tell me what I was doing wrong (not in a horrible way, they just said it), so he really didn't have anyone else. Just me. And I was a mess then too, so I probably was soft. It doesn't matter now though, what matters now is that I teach him some self control. And he needs to be heard, even if his thoughts don't always make sense. I've still got some time with my online psychologist, so i may email her about this, because I'm just not sure which way to take him - ignore the bad behaviour, try to control it, try to reason with him (he is only 6 and a half) or just ride it through doing the best I can. I don't have a strategy and I feel like I need one. That's the teacher coming out in me though and I don't know if he needs me to be his teacher or his mum - they're different doncha know.
In the meantime, I'll try to keep him calm, give him time-out when I think he needs it and listen to him when I think it's appropriate. And I'll make him some cowboy cookies - he loves those and they're not too sweet.
And it's not like we haven't tried to stop it - "no means no", timeout, "stop talking, now", walking away and ignoring him and probably a dozen other things. But once he's got something in his head that he needs to get out, that's it, it's gotta come out. And being the main parent, who seems to do all the parenting lately, I get the brunt of it.
I know this feeling he has. Desperate, angry, frustrated that the other person doesn't want to hear you. It must be horrible for him. I can see the pain etched all over his face, a dead-set reflection of my own anger and frustration whenever I think I'm not being listened to. The pre-cursor to (for me) dangerous meltdowns. I hope it's not going to be the same for him. Perhaps I've given it to him, though he's never seen me meltdown directly. Maybe he picked it up in my energy along the way. I don't know and I don't know what to do about it. Most times I stay calm, but sometimes I get a bit beside myself.
It gets tiring, having to deal with it everyday. Not a day goes by that my son and I don't clash over something that he's done or said. In fact, I'd say that when he's at home, it's almost every hour. If I leave him be, it's OK, he goes and does what he wants to do, but I can't leave him alone all the time. There's things to be done, homework, showers, dinner, all the normal stuff that we've just got to do. For him to get these things done, I've got to be on him the whole time because he gets distracted. I can't count the number of times I've caught him doing something with his underpants half way up his legs because he's gotten himself distracted while he's supposed to be getting dressed.
When he was younger, a lot of people say, family included, that I was too soft on him and I often wonder if this has contributed to how he is now. I probably was too soft on him, but he didn't have anyone else. His father was too angry with me and in turn, rather distant from the kids, especially our boy and there was no-one else for him to bond with. We weren't near my family and it wasn't like ex's family came running over to play with him, though they didn't hesitate to tell me what I was doing wrong (not in a horrible way, they just said it), so he really didn't have anyone else. Just me. And I was a mess then too, so I probably was soft. It doesn't matter now though, what matters now is that I teach him some self control. And he needs to be heard, even if his thoughts don't always make sense. I've still got some time with my online psychologist, so i may email her about this, because I'm just not sure which way to take him - ignore the bad behaviour, try to control it, try to reason with him (he is only 6 and a half) or just ride it through doing the best I can. I don't have a strategy and I feel like I need one. That's the teacher coming out in me though and I don't know if he needs me to be his teacher or his mum - they're different doncha know.
In the meantime, I'll try to keep him calm, give him time-out when I think he needs it and listen to him when I think it's appropriate. And I'll make him some cowboy cookies - he loves those and they're not too sweet.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
cooking
Why is it that some people can just come up with a nice dinner, just like that - or they seem to. Tonight I just don't know what to cook for dinner. What I really want to do is just make some pizza for me and the kids - cheese, capsicum, olives, pineapple on wholemeal tortilla with some salad on the side - is that an acceptable dinner? I always feel guilty because ex doesn't like this kind of food. We love it, but it just gives him a stomach ache. And even though I sound big and brave now, I still get torn between what I want to do and wanting his approval. Arrrggghhh.
No matter. I've just told him what I'm cooking and he's Ok with it - he'll have just a bit and if it's not enough, he'll go get something. See, he's not unreasonable. He's OK.
No matter. I've just told him what I'm cooking and he's Ok with it - he'll have just a bit and if it's not enough, he'll go get something. See, he's not unreasonable. He's OK.
Yes, that's what I wanted to be
I've just finished my fourth Torey Hayden book, 'The Tiger's Child'. It's actually a sequel to a book she'd written earlier called 'One Child', which I'll now have to find once I go to KL again. Torey is a special education teacher and qualified psychologist with a special interest in elective mutism in children. She's chronicled her experiences in six or 8 books, all of which I plan to read.
Being a special ed teacher myself, I was very interested in the stories she had to tell, because she had really hard kids. She took on kids that no-one else wanted or knew what to do with, no matter how hard they were. I related to her way of thinking in so many ways and realised that I've always wanted to be like her, especially when I was younger. I wanted to be that teacher who could reach those really hard kids, who'd go the extra mile for them, but somewhere along the way I got side-tracked and only actually taught in a special setting for about 6 or so years, with 3 year stint in a primary school in the middle of that. I've wanted to be a special education teacher since I was 15 years old. It took one very cute autistic boy to push me in that direction, so many years ago. That boy is 32 now I think and he would still know me. I see him every few years and like to think that I made a difference in his life, that I gave him one more friend to have. Torey had the same experience - she got to know one child and that set her off on her life's path. But she stuck with it, I didn't and wish in many ways, that I had.
If I look back now, I feel as if I let my life dilute my goals. Too busy trying to please other people I guess and I actually regret not forging ahead more strongly in my chosen path. But I was weak and let others influence me. If I had stayed in the field, today I would have much more experience to share with those I teach and help now.
I'm not getting down on myself, I'm just reflecting since reading Hayden's stories. She is what I wanted to be. Perhaps now that I'm on my own path, I can get back on that track again and do what I love doing - teaching kids with disabilities. There are many new methods for me to learn, lots of books to read. When I come back home, I want to study again and complete my early childhood education degree and also complete an extra unit specialising in autism. I've always wanted to be involved in early intervention - therapy for those young kids who are diagnosed with disabilities at an early age. When I was working in a school, I was always placed with teenagers, young adults or middle primary aged kids but never the early intervention group. At the moment, the kids I have come close - my youngest (Feng Ying) is only five and I've been teaching her for over a year now, so I started with her when she was still 3 years old. I feel lucky that I love my work and get so much satisfaction from it, even though it's stressful at times. I just feel like it's a great job - you teach and have fun along the way and these kids love you for it.
Yes, that is what I'll do. And now that I know better, I'll stick to my own path and do what I feel I was meant to do.
Just some thoughts.
Being a special ed teacher myself, I was very interested in the stories she had to tell, because she had really hard kids. She took on kids that no-one else wanted or knew what to do with, no matter how hard they were. I related to her way of thinking in so many ways and realised that I've always wanted to be like her, especially when I was younger. I wanted to be that teacher who could reach those really hard kids, who'd go the extra mile for them, but somewhere along the way I got side-tracked and only actually taught in a special setting for about 6 or so years, with 3 year stint in a primary school in the middle of that. I've wanted to be a special education teacher since I was 15 years old. It took one very cute autistic boy to push me in that direction, so many years ago. That boy is 32 now I think and he would still know me. I see him every few years and like to think that I made a difference in his life, that I gave him one more friend to have. Torey had the same experience - she got to know one child and that set her off on her life's path. But she stuck with it, I didn't and wish in many ways, that I had.
If I look back now, I feel as if I let my life dilute my goals. Too busy trying to please other people I guess and I actually regret not forging ahead more strongly in my chosen path. But I was weak and let others influence me. If I had stayed in the field, today I would have much more experience to share with those I teach and help now.
I'm not getting down on myself, I'm just reflecting since reading Hayden's stories. She is what I wanted to be. Perhaps now that I'm on my own path, I can get back on that track again and do what I love doing - teaching kids with disabilities. There are many new methods for me to learn, lots of books to read. When I come back home, I want to study again and complete my early childhood education degree and also complete an extra unit specialising in autism. I've always wanted to be involved in early intervention - therapy for those young kids who are diagnosed with disabilities at an early age. When I was working in a school, I was always placed with teenagers, young adults or middle primary aged kids but never the early intervention group. At the moment, the kids I have come close - my youngest (Feng Ying) is only five and I've been teaching her for over a year now, so I started with her when she was still 3 years old. I feel lucky that I love my work and get so much satisfaction from it, even though it's stressful at times. I just feel like it's a great job - you teach and have fun along the way and these kids love you for it.
Yes, that is what I'll do. And now that I know better, I'll stick to my own path and do what I feel I was meant to do.
Just some thoughts.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
It has literally, been weeks.
I think mid-April was the last time 'it' happened. Of course, I'm talking about meltdowns. The only one having meltdowns now is my son, but that's another story.
Melba, your words have helped me stay on the track of being detached. It's the only way, as you've said. We can't have intimate conversations, or really be involved in each other's lives because we're no longer in that sort of relationship. I thought there could be another way, but there isn't. This, staying emotionally 'away' from him, is the only way. These are the things I've done, that have helped.
~ I don't let myself wonder about his life anymore - about who he's with, what he's taking or what he's doing.
~ I don't go near his computer, even though I have many legitimate opportunities to do so.
~ I don't talk about him, unless I'm pissed off and need to vent.
~ I don't talk to him about me, unless it's something benign.
~ I don't ask him things just to get his approval.
~ I don't involve him or try to involve him in the things that me and the kids do, but I don't stop him either. If he wants to, he'll join in. If he doesn't, maybe he doesn't want to. If he's waiting for me to ask, he's going to be waiting a long time because this is my life and he's not in it. There are plenty of opportunities for him to do things with the kids, but somehow or other, he doesn't seem to be taking these. I thought he would, but it's his decision and his loss. He's the one missing out on valuable time with the kids. And while he's doing that, I'm making memories and giving my kids the experiences I want them to have. I want them to have a fun, full life, regardless of the situation we are in. I want them to be able to look back and remember the good bits, not the messy mummy-is-melting-down-again bits.
So that's what I'm doing. I can accept the limits that a relationship like this has - finally. I know that for me and the kids, this is the best way. It's the only scenario in which I've managed to stay stable and feel like well, myself. I feel, for the most part, pretty good about myself and the situation I've created. The kids are happy, productive and settled and we are moving along at a nice pace, finding a balance between learning and play.
I never thought I'd say it, but my life is OK. Oh yes, and there's only 5 months to go before our Christmas trip back to Melbourne. Woo-hoo.
PS - Note to self - you've done well, don't stuff it up!
Melba, your words have helped me stay on the track of being detached. It's the only way, as you've said. We can't have intimate conversations, or really be involved in each other's lives because we're no longer in that sort of relationship. I thought there could be another way, but there isn't. This, staying emotionally 'away' from him, is the only way. These are the things I've done, that have helped.
~ I don't let myself wonder about his life anymore - about who he's with, what he's taking or what he's doing.
~ I don't go near his computer, even though I have many legitimate opportunities to do so.
~ I don't talk about him, unless I'm pissed off and need to vent.
~ I don't talk to him about me, unless it's something benign.
~ I don't ask him things just to get his approval.
~ I don't involve him or try to involve him in the things that me and the kids do, but I don't stop him either. If he wants to, he'll join in. If he doesn't, maybe he doesn't want to. If he's waiting for me to ask, he's going to be waiting a long time because this is my life and he's not in it. There are plenty of opportunities for him to do things with the kids, but somehow or other, he doesn't seem to be taking these. I thought he would, but it's his decision and his loss. He's the one missing out on valuable time with the kids. And while he's doing that, I'm making memories and giving my kids the experiences I want them to have. I want them to have a fun, full life, regardless of the situation we are in. I want them to be able to look back and remember the good bits, not the messy mummy-is-melting-down-again bits.
So that's what I'm doing. I can accept the limits that a relationship like this has - finally. I know that for me and the kids, this is the best way. It's the only scenario in which I've managed to stay stable and feel like well, myself. I feel, for the most part, pretty good about myself and the situation I've created. The kids are happy, productive and settled and we are moving along at a nice pace, finding a balance between learning and play.
I never thought I'd say it, but my life is OK. Oh yes, and there's only 5 months to go before our Christmas trip back to Melbourne. Woo-hoo.
PS - Note to self - you've done well, don't stuff it up!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
The Storm
Last night we had a storm rage around our house. The kind where the thunder and lightning don't stop and it rains so heavily that it fills up our yard. The roof and windows leak and the electricity trips in a storm like this - it's pretty full on.
We've had this kind of storm before and we three (me and kids) can cope with it nicely. We don't stress and we're not afraid of the dark or the noise. But last night during the storm, ex really got on my nerves. As soon as the lights went out, we three started to carefully edge ourselves out of my room to find the torch lights but we were greeted with a loud voice saying 'calm down, calm down, just calm down' - it was ex of course, taking control of the 'situation'. Except that we didn't need him to. I felt like he was treating me like a child along with the kids - using a loud voice, sort of demanding things - get towels, where's the torch and generally telling everyone what to do -which sort of needs to happen when things like this happen, it's just that arrogant manner that he has sometimes that pisses me off.
Now, it's probably baggage, but I have a hard time co-operating with him when he's like this. I just wish he'd give other people credibility for their skills. Other people meaning me of course. But he doesn't. We weren't stressing out, but it sure sounded like he was - it was his loud voice and his little scream of exasperation when he sat in a puddle and got his pants wet while trying to see where the water coming in from around the sink was coming from. It was his almost frantic voice that said 'here we have multiple points of failure, look at all these things on the floor, we must pick them up because we have multiple points of failure'. I don't know anyone else who talks like that, do you? Mr Scorpio, have you ever said something like that? I could see ex's point, I just would have used different words that's all. Something like, 'come on kids, lets pick up these things before the lights go out again so that no-one gets hurt'. Multiple points of failure indeed!
Later though, things returned to normal - the water receded, the rain slowed and the noise quietened. I was grateful for the rain though - my drains are once again clean and the air smells better. It's late again, so off to bed. My own sweet lovely bed which I have all to myself. It's a good thing. I'm getting there. I feel calm. I hope your lives are good. Mine is not bad.
We've had this kind of storm before and we three (me and kids) can cope with it nicely. We don't stress and we're not afraid of the dark or the noise. But last night during the storm, ex really got on my nerves. As soon as the lights went out, we three started to carefully edge ourselves out of my room to find the torch lights but we were greeted with a loud voice saying 'calm down, calm down, just calm down' - it was ex of course, taking control of the 'situation'. Except that we didn't need him to. I felt like he was treating me like a child along with the kids - using a loud voice, sort of demanding things - get towels, where's the torch and generally telling everyone what to do -which sort of needs to happen when things like this happen, it's just that arrogant manner that he has sometimes that pisses me off.
Now, it's probably baggage, but I have a hard time co-operating with him when he's like this. I just wish he'd give other people credibility for their skills. Other people meaning me of course. But he doesn't. We weren't stressing out, but it sure sounded like he was - it was his loud voice and his little scream of exasperation when he sat in a puddle and got his pants wet while trying to see where the water coming in from around the sink was coming from. It was his almost frantic voice that said 'here we have multiple points of failure, look at all these things on the floor, we must pick them up because we have multiple points of failure'. I don't know anyone else who talks like that, do you? Mr Scorpio, have you ever said something like that? I could see ex's point, I just would have used different words that's all. Something like, 'come on kids, lets pick up these things before the lights go out again so that no-one gets hurt'. Multiple points of failure indeed!
Later though, things returned to normal - the water receded, the rain slowed and the noise quietened. I was grateful for the rain though - my drains are once again clean and the air smells better. It's late again, so off to bed. My own sweet lovely bed which I have all to myself. It's a good thing. I'm getting there. I feel calm. I hope your lives are good. Mine is not bad.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Time flies and all that...
The holiday was great. Well, really good. I did all the things I wanted to do with the kids - we went to the water park and played, meeting up with some friends from Segamat - the family of one of my students. We went shopping, ate good Western food and really good Chinese food - softshell crab anyone? Then we swam, visited the aquarium in KLCC (Kuala lumpur City Centre) and our accommodation resembled a 5 star hotel, complete with gorgeous swimming pool, gym and luxury apartment with a huge, plasma tv.
It felt good to be away, like everyone else, good to be on holidays, where I didn't have to cook or clean. It was good to see other people, to talk and be appreciated. We went to dinner at ex's relative's, who thinks her son might be autistic. I watched him carefully and fielded the family's questions about what autistic children are generally like. The boy doesn't seem to be obviously autistic, but there are some traits that seem strange - the head banging when someone scolds him, the lining up of people and toys, the lack of functional speech. But, he seems quite happy and social, evidenced by how he greeted his grandparents at the door - he was ecstatically happy to see them. He played normally or so it seemed. In two year olds, there's so much variance, that it's hard to tell if there's really something wrong, so I told them to wait and see and if the strange behaviours get worse, have him assessed. I was a little uncomfortable because I'm not an expert and I'm not trained to assess - just to teach. So I'm sitting on the fence with this one.
What I see as strange behaviours could be just a reaction to the incredible amount of attention this boy gets. At the very least, their are 3 adults catering to him - his mother and her parents. Then when the in-laws come around, that's 5 adults, all focussed on him - and they are- he is the first grandchild and his father has not long died, so there could be some over-compensating going on too. I have a feeling that he doesn't talk because he doesn't need to - everything is given to him before he even knows he wants it and sometimes it's given twice, by different people. He doesn't get a chance to mix with other kids and his mum, who should be the stand out carer, is simply one of a crowd of people who take care of him. So, it's hard to tell.
We visited no less than 4 bookshops - I love them. The kids and I love to hang out in them, perusing books, choosing which ones to buy next to read and which ones to read at the store - you're allowed to do that here. I've found a new author - Torey Hayden - whose chronicled her experiences teaching special ed and disturbed children. Inspiring stuff (and it's not a self-help book). Some of the kids she has reminds me of some of the teenagers I taught a very long time ago with Melba - lots of strange behaviours and sometimes, even stranger parents. I want to absorb her experience and her language when she deals with tricky situations. I want to see how she handles the really hard stuff. For me, it's good reading, I can hardly put it down. And one of the things I thought when I picked up her book was that perhaps one day, I could write a book like hers. One day, maybe.
On Wednesday night, a cousin of ex's took us out for ice-cream. We'd finished eating a fantastically tasty dinner at a place called Marmalade. I had tandoori chicken with briyani rice, my son had spaghetti with chicken, pesto and olives and my daughter had lasagne. They both made impressive dents in their food. After that, we met up with ex's cousin who informed us their were two places to eat ice-cream. The first one had a nice assortment of gelato icecream but at the tables they had these smoking pipes - they looked like bongs but weren't and because I don't smoke, I couldn't even tell you about it properly, but it seemed a strange combination - ice-cream and bong-like things. I didn't want my kids sitting there, so we went to the next venue, Baskin Robbins. Yummo. Much better and no smoking paraphernalia.
We were having a fab time, when ex rang and said he'd pick us up the following day. I queried him because he'd told me he'd pick us up Friday. No he said, it was the 11th and tomorrow was the 11th. Ok then, even though I swore that I'd heard him say 'see you Friday' - there wasn't much I could do about it. The kids were terribly disappointed, even though we'd already been there 5 days. They wanted another full day. No can do, we had to pack up. No matter, we still did most of what we wanted to do. The next day we went to "the Curve" shopping centre, saw our first 3D movie and managed another two bookshops.
All in all, a good holiday. Today we did a lot of stuff too and had a really huge storm, but I've got to go to sleep, so I'll tell you about that tomorrow.
'night.
It felt good to be away, like everyone else, good to be on holidays, where I didn't have to cook or clean. It was good to see other people, to talk and be appreciated. We went to dinner at ex's relative's, who thinks her son might be autistic. I watched him carefully and fielded the family's questions about what autistic children are generally like. The boy doesn't seem to be obviously autistic, but there are some traits that seem strange - the head banging when someone scolds him, the lining up of people and toys, the lack of functional speech. But, he seems quite happy and social, evidenced by how he greeted his grandparents at the door - he was ecstatically happy to see them. He played normally or so it seemed. In two year olds, there's so much variance, that it's hard to tell if there's really something wrong, so I told them to wait and see and if the strange behaviours get worse, have him assessed. I was a little uncomfortable because I'm not an expert and I'm not trained to assess - just to teach. So I'm sitting on the fence with this one.
What I see as strange behaviours could be just a reaction to the incredible amount of attention this boy gets. At the very least, their are 3 adults catering to him - his mother and her parents. Then when the in-laws come around, that's 5 adults, all focussed on him - and they are- he is the first grandchild and his father has not long died, so there could be some over-compensating going on too. I have a feeling that he doesn't talk because he doesn't need to - everything is given to him before he even knows he wants it and sometimes it's given twice, by different people. He doesn't get a chance to mix with other kids and his mum, who should be the stand out carer, is simply one of a crowd of people who take care of him. So, it's hard to tell.
We visited no less than 4 bookshops - I love them. The kids and I love to hang out in them, perusing books, choosing which ones to buy next to read and which ones to read at the store - you're allowed to do that here. I've found a new author - Torey Hayden - whose chronicled her experiences teaching special ed and disturbed children. Inspiring stuff (and it's not a self-help book). Some of the kids she has reminds me of some of the teenagers I taught a very long time ago with Melba - lots of strange behaviours and sometimes, even stranger parents. I want to absorb her experience and her language when she deals with tricky situations. I want to see how she handles the really hard stuff. For me, it's good reading, I can hardly put it down. And one of the things I thought when I picked up her book was that perhaps one day, I could write a book like hers. One day, maybe.
On Wednesday night, a cousin of ex's took us out for ice-cream. We'd finished eating a fantastically tasty dinner at a place called Marmalade. I had tandoori chicken with briyani rice, my son had spaghetti with chicken, pesto and olives and my daughter had lasagne. They both made impressive dents in their food. After that, we met up with ex's cousin who informed us their were two places to eat ice-cream. The first one had a nice assortment of gelato icecream but at the tables they had these smoking pipes - they looked like bongs but weren't and because I don't smoke, I couldn't even tell you about it properly, but it seemed a strange combination - ice-cream and bong-like things. I didn't want my kids sitting there, so we went to the next venue, Baskin Robbins. Yummo. Much better and no smoking paraphernalia.
We were having a fab time, when ex rang and said he'd pick us up the following day. I queried him because he'd told me he'd pick us up Friday. No he said, it was the 11th and tomorrow was the 11th. Ok then, even though I swore that I'd heard him say 'see you Friday' - there wasn't much I could do about it. The kids were terribly disappointed, even though we'd already been there 5 days. They wanted another full day. No can do, we had to pack up. No matter, we still did most of what we wanted to do. The next day we went to "the Curve" shopping centre, saw our first 3D movie and managed another two bookshops.
All in all, a good holiday. Today we did a lot of stuff too and had a really huge storm, but I've got to go to sleep, so I'll tell you about that tomorrow.
'night.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Time for a break
Be back in a week - going to have me a holiday and get away from this little town for a while. There may or may not be a computer - I wonder if I'll miss it? I do love my computer. Cheers and take care!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Little bits of life
Life is quite good right now, on this warm day. The breeze is blowing, though it's tarnished by someone burning off close by. It's Thursday and we are getting ready for our trip to KL. The kids are on holidays and while I was hoping to spend a one or two days in KL, ex is saying we should make the most of it and go for most of the week. He will drop us off and pick us up later.
Initially I was quite surprised that he would want us to go for that long. He's never suggested it before. Perhaps he did this time because he thought I'd handle the stressful bits better. Perhaps because he wants time to himself. Whatever! I'm not going to buy into my own behaviour and torture myself with WHY. It doesn't matter. The kids and I are going to KL and we're going to have fun.
We are going to stay with ex's Aunty, who's more like a friend really. She's a high paid executive with a fantastic new condo with the works - swimming pool, Gloria Jean's coffee house and mini mart at the bottom of the complex and best of all, a shuttle bus that goes to the mall. I don't know which one, but I don't care. We're going to hang out for hours in the bookstores at "The Curve" a shopping mall close by to where we used to live. We're going to eat pizza at Vivo's and Japanese food for dinner - my son likes the 'Japanese' fries - this restaurant has kids meals and they serve fries with it - hence the fries there are Japanese and healthy. We're going to play at some indoor playgrounds and hopefully visit the kids theme park at Berjaya Times square. We're going night shopping and swimming at Sunway Lagoon, a water park which is conveniently close to one of ex's relatives. She's very nice, though not long ago lost her husband to cancer - he was 34. Now she's concerned that their son, 2, may have autism and would like me to observe him. I'm happy to help her. She's been through so much.
On our last trip to KL, we saw her and she asked me then if I thought he was autistic. I was careful not to say anything too dramatic and hedged around the issue a bit, but also careful not to be too dismissive of her concerns. Mother's instincts are usually right, so said a bit of this and a bit of that. I then made the mistake of telling ex what she'd asked me to do and he responded by telling me to be careful about these things, sighing and then telling me again how careful I have to be because you know how people are. I walked away and wondered why I'd bothered, remembering in the past how he'd always tell me how to do things without really asking me what my response was and just assuming that I'd stuffed it up. I hated that so much and having the freedom to walk away from that kind of response and not give a damn about what he thinks has been really liberating, allowing me to interact with other people and having more confidence than I've had in a long time.
I feel like I've reached a milestone in not caring about what he says and thinks. Of course, I care that he thinks I'm a good mother because now, that is our only connection. But for the rest of it, what he thinks doesn't matter. I'm the one who keeps tabs on me now and I put pressure on myself to be the best 'me' - allowing for the 'situation' of course.
So I'm packing for a week. There's lots to pack but hopefully it'll fit into my smaller suitcase. Otherwise it'll look like I've gone over the top. And I've still got two classes until I'm officially on holidays. This month I have a new student starting with my English class, which I've decide to move out of the back 'class' room to the front of the house. We have a big living room, which we only use half of as a tv room. The other half is for storage and ironing. While I'm away, ex is going to install a proper whiteboard on the wall and move our 'dining' table, which we never use and which sits in the small dining room I use as a laundry, to the front to be used as the students work table. I'll put my teacher's chair nearby, a small table or bookshelf for my stuff, a mat on the floor and hey presto, a classroom will be born. With this arrangement I can fit my two kids and six other students into this class. Oh yes, I need soemthing for the cd player because we sing - well, I don't but I get the kids to - it's good for fluency, reading (I give them the lyrics), pronunciation and it's FUN. Believe it or not, I get most of my songs from the Wiggles first two albums - yummy yummy and big red car and a playschool songs cd, which my kids have had since they were babies. The songs on these albums are classics, easy to understand and have a good simple melody. I'll try Hi5 later in the year. What fun - we may even put on a concert for the parents. That'd be interesting - to teach and to watch.
See, it's not all bad and ex, this past week or two, has been incredibly supportive, helping out with the housework (dishes, because my hands are raw and itchy from my allergies, even though I no longer have contact with detergent) and getting stuff around the house fixed up. It's funny, this is a side of him I haven't seen in a very long time. I hope it's because he feels happier. I want him to be happy and productive. And i could go on and on about it, but alas, it's midnight and time to read and plan for tomorrow.
I don't have a bad life, not at all - that's my mantra right now - I have a good life. Better than a lot of people's and if I stay positive, the only way to go is UP!.
Goodnight, my friends who read this, I'm so glad to have you.
Initially I was quite surprised that he would want us to go for that long. He's never suggested it before. Perhaps he did this time because he thought I'd handle the stressful bits better. Perhaps because he wants time to himself. Whatever! I'm not going to buy into my own behaviour and torture myself with WHY. It doesn't matter. The kids and I are going to KL and we're going to have fun.
We are going to stay with ex's Aunty, who's more like a friend really. She's a high paid executive with a fantastic new condo with the works - swimming pool, Gloria Jean's coffee house and mini mart at the bottom of the complex and best of all, a shuttle bus that goes to the mall. I don't know which one, but I don't care. We're going to hang out for hours in the bookstores at "The Curve" a shopping mall close by to where we used to live. We're going to eat pizza at Vivo's and Japanese food for dinner - my son likes the 'Japanese' fries - this restaurant has kids meals and they serve fries with it - hence the fries there are Japanese and healthy. We're going to play at some indoor playgrounds and hopefully visit the kids theme park at Berjaya Times square. We're going night shopping and swimming at Sunway Lagoon, a water park which is conveniently close to one of ex's relatives. She's very nice, though not long ago lost her husband to cancer - he was 34. Now she's concerned that their son, 2, may have autism and would like me to observe him. I'm happy to help her. She's been through so much.
On our last trip to KL, we saw her and she asked me then if I thought he was autistic. I was careful not to say anything too dramatic and hedged around the issue a bit, but also careful not to be too dismissive of her concerns. Mother's instincts are usually right, so said a bit of this and a bit of that. I then made the mistake of telling ex what she'd asked me to do and he responded by telling me to be careful about these things, sighing and then telling me again how careful I have to be because you know how people are. I walked away and wondered why I'd bothered, remembering in the past how he'd always tell me how to do things without really asking me what my response was and just assuming that I'd stuffed it up. I hated that so much and having the freedom to walk away from that kind of response and not give a damn about what he thinks has been really liberating, allowing me to interact with other people and having more confidence than I've had in a long time.
I feel like I've reached a milestone in not caring about what he says and thinks. Of course, I care that he thinks I'm a good mother because now, that is our only connection. But for the rest of it, what he thinks doesn't matter. I'm the one who keeps tabs on me now and I put pressure on myself to be the best 'me' - allowing for the 'situation' of course.
So I'm packing for a week. There's lots to pack but hopefully it'll fit into my smaller suitcase. Otherwise it'll look like I've gone over the top. And I've still got two classes until I'm officially on holidays. This month I have a new student starting with my English class, which I've decide to move out of the back 'class' room to the front of the house. We have a big living room, which we only use half of as a tv room. The other half is for storage and ironing. While I'm away, ex is going to install a proper whiteboard on the wall and move our 'dining' table, which we never use and which sits in the small dining room I use as a laundry, to the front to be used as the students work table. I'll put my teacher's chair nearby, a small table or bookshelf for my stuff, a mat on the floor and hey presto, a classroom will be born. With this arrangement I can fit my two kids and six other students into this class. Oh yes, I need soemthing for the cd player because we sing - well, I don't but I get the kids to - it's good for fluency, reading (I give them the lyrics), pronunciation and it's FUN. Believe it or not, I get most of my songs from the Wiggles first two albums - yummy yummy and big red car and a playschool songs cd, which my kids have had since they were babies. The songs on these albums are classics, easy to understand and have a good simple melody. I'll try Hi5 later in the year. What fun - we may even put on a concert for the parents. That'd be interesting - to teach and to watch.
See, it's not all bad and ex, this past week or two, has been incredibly supportive, helping out with the housework (dishes, because my hands are raw and itchy from my allergies, even though I no longer have contact with detergent) and getting stuff around the house fixed up. It's funny, this is a side of him I haven't seen in a very long time. I hope it's because he feels happier. I want him to be happy and productive. And i could go on and on about it, but alas, it's midnight and time to read and plan for tomorrow.
I don't have a bad life, not at all - that's my mantra right now - I have a good life. Better than a lot of people's and if I stay positive, the only way to go is UP!.
Goodnight, my friends who read this, I'm so glad to have you.
Monday, June 1, 2009
So how are things going for you?
Simple question, yes? No. I was trying to gauge whether ex was stressed out or not, given that he'd spent most of his time in his room these past few days. Answer to question was "Well, it's hard to tell you because there are issues of trust, appropriateness and whether you can handle stuff or not, so lets not go there. We'll stick to talking about the simple things." My reply - "OK, that's it then, seeya" and I walked out.
I could let this melt me down. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. Sitting there like a drama-queen, waiting to pounce and create a spectacular, attention-getting meltdown. I can't let it, even though I know I would love to scream at him about him being condescending and what the fuck have I been doing all this time anyway, trying not to meltdown - where has it got me, NOWHERE! Nothing I EVER do will change me in his eyes. Never, nothing.
That's what my egotistical mind is saying. And I know how unreasonable the above sounds and I make it sound like I'm doing all this for him and his damn approval. So where to from here.
There's only one thing for it. Not tapping, though I might try that later if the pit of my stomach doesn't settle. The solution is to turn away and not buy into the emotion of it all. Pay it no attention and IT WILL PASS and then things will go back to normal. Simple, yes? Easier said than done. So I distract myself with all manner of things - Adam Lambert being among those things that are successful in turning my mind away from all things negative. I play with the kids, I read to them, I watch tv and try to cook and as I'm setting out his (ex) dinner, I think that although I don't have to do those things, I do them for the good of our family atmosphere, in the same way he iron's my clothes.
So... onto other matters. I made my daughter cry today because I got angry at both of them. They'd been playing on my computer and then decided that they'd like to jump on my bed and hurl a few things around the room. Boy, did I lose it. And while I'm telling them off, my daughter thought the whole thing was a joke - and that really pushed my buttons. So I talked to both of them about how something like that can really hurt a person's feelings and that they shouldn't be using my room as a playground etc. I was visibly mad at them because they treat my stuff like well, like kids treat stuff. I know this sounds like I'm over-reacting, but honestly, I can tell them ten times quietly not to do something, but if I raise my voice a little, or a lot, then they stop and listen. And I've tried every other damn quiet way to tell them, positively (gee, I like the way your sitting quietly at my computer) and negatively (DON'T JUMP ON THE BED!). For the moment, the raised voice works, though I'll try to use it sparingly.
Anyway, after they'd had their talking to, my daughter was still crying and when I probed as to why, I finally got her to tell me that she thinks I'm going to leave now. That's the precedent I've set for her - when I get angry, I leave and she's left behind. Rather than just tell her I wasn't going to leave, I decided to go into a little more detail about why I left before. I said that at that time, I wasn't feel very well in my mind and the only way I could get better was to be with my family. She felt bad for me and cried some more, until my reassurances that it worked and I was feeling better now finally got through. I wonder if one day she will understand and whether it will make a difference. I hope she can see it, though if she doesn't, I'll accept it and do whatever I can to reassure her that I won't leave her like that again. I feel terrible about leaving her, but I knew at the time, leaving was my only option. If I knew then, what I know now, I never would have left - I would have found some other way to deal with what I was feeling.
However, we all know how wonderful hindsight is. That said, she seemed to recover OK and we had a pleasant dinner, which elicited the following exchange between my son and I:
Son: Hey mum, I don't see bean and onions. I see lemon pepper chicken but are we NOT having beans and onions?
Me: No, not tonight, I thought we'd have a break from beans and onions (according to my kids, we have beans and onions every night)
Son: Ahhh, that's the life! Walks away happy and relaxed.
I'm still a little worried about him. He's just so 'quirky' and fixated on things. All he talks about is school, teachers, their timetables (he knows his and my daughter's school timetable off the top of his head and knows some of the timetables of other classes too. I told his maths teacher this and she has a new respect for his abilities).
Then yesterday I was asking him why, if he could follow the rules at school, why couldn't he follow them at home. His answer "well, there are millions of workers in my brain, and that's why my brain is so big and the workers are bad workers and they make me jump around"
Me: They do?
Him: Yes, and when I put on my uniform, well those workers hate school so on the way they jump out and then I can follow the rules. But when I'm home, they're back in my head.
It's almost like he controls himself all day long and then, when he gets home, he just explodes. I know of an autistic kid that does this. At school, he doesn't flap his hands at all but when he gets home, he flaps so badly, his can't concentrate on anything else. This is what my son is like. That and the talking. The boy never shuts up - never. Except when he's sleeping. I hope when he's older I can channel his energies into something constructive.
My biggest worry for him is that he feels like we're telling him what to do all the time - or rather, what not to do. It'll affect his self esteem in the same way it affected mine. He won't feel accepted and he'll feel like he's the naughty one. And his sister is so tired of having to battle him all the time to get some things to go her way - he's rude to her (and us somtimes), he's stubborn and obsessed and just wants things his way and she's losing her patience. I have to teach her that while it's OK to tell him what he's doing wrong sometimes we just have to accept him for who he is so that he feels like we love him.
Even I have to work at that, because I can see it in his demeanour that with everyone telling him what not to do, it makes him feel like we love him less. And that of course leads to him saying things like "I wish you didn't born me mummy, I wish in the year 2000, I didn't come out of you" and "can't you just create me another sister because this one's being rude to me".
When I read it, it sounds cute and funny, but hearing it is quite different. It's heart breaking because I know from personal experience what he's going through. I just hope I can make it better. Maybe, in the spirit of "you're having this experience because you need to have it", I'm the one that's going to help him because I know what it's like to be him and I know what I need to teach him so that he can control himself better and be better at doing things with other people.
We all have a purpose and for the moment, I think I've found mine.
I could let this melt me down. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. Sitting there like a drama-queen, waiting to pounce and create a spectacular, attention-getting meltdown. I can't let it, even though I know I would love to scream at him about him being condescending and what the fuck have I been doing all this time anyway, trying not to meltdown - where has it got me, NOWHERE! Nothing I EVER do will change me in his eyes. Never, nothing.
That's what my egotistical mind is saying. And I know how unreasonable the above sounds and I make it sound like I'm doing all this for him and his damn approval. So where to from here.
There's only one thing for it. Not tapping, though I might try that later if the pit of my stomach doesn't settle. The solution is to turn away and not buy into the emotion of it all. Pay it no attention and IT WILL PASS and then things will go back to normal. Simple, yes? Easier said than done. So I distract myself with all manner of things - Adam Lambert being among those things that are successful in turning my mind away from all things negative. I play with the kids, I read to them, I watch tv and try to cook and as I'm setting out his (ex) dinner, I think that although I don't have to do those things, I do them for the good of our family atmosphere, in the same way he iron's my clothes.
So... onto other matters. I made my daughter cry today because I got angry at both of them. They'd been playing on my computer and then decided that they'd like to jump on my bed and hurl a few things around the room. Boy, did I lose it. And while I'm telling them off, my daughter thought the whole thing was a joke - and that really pushed my buttons. So I talked to both of them about how something like that can really hurt a person's feelings and that they shouldn't be using my room as a playground etc. I was visibly mad at them because they treat my stuff like well, like kids treat stuff. I know this sounds like I'm over-reacting, but honestly, I can tell them ten times quietly not to do something, but if I raise my voice a little, or a lot, then they stop and listen. And I've tried every other damn quiet way to tell them, positively (gee, I like the way your sitting quietly at my computer) and negatively (DON'T JUMP ON THE BED!). For the moment, the raised voice works, though I'll try to use it sparingly.
Anyway, after they'd had their talking to, my daughter was still crying and when I probed as to why, I finally got her to tell me that she thinks I'm going to leave now. That's the precedent I've set for her - when I get angry, I leave and she's left behind. Rather than just tell her I wasn't going to leave, I decided to go into a little more detail about why I left before. I said that at that time, I wasn't feel very well in my mind and the only way I could get better was to be with my family. She felt bad for me and cried some more, until my reassurances that it worked and I was feeling better now finally got through. I wonder if one day she will understand and whether it will make a difference. I hope she can see it, though if she doesn't, I'll accept it and do whatever I can to reassure her that I won't leave her like that again. I feel terrible about leaving her, but I knew at the time, leaving was my only option. If I knew then, what I know now, I never would have left - I would have found some other way to deal with what I was feeling.
However, we all know how wonderful hindsight is. That said, she seemed to recover OK and we had a pleasant dinner, which elicited the following exchange between my son and I:
Son: Hey mum, I don't see bean and onions. I see lemon pepper chicken but are we NOT having beans and onions?
Me: No, not tonight, I thought we'd have a break from beans and onions (according to my kids, we have beans and onions every night)
Son: Ahhh, that's the life! Walks away happy and relaxed.
I'm still a little worried about him. He's just so 'quirky' and fixated on things. All he talks about is school, teachers, their timetables (he knows his and my daughter's school timetable off the top of his head and knows some of the timetables of other classes too. I told his maths teacher this and she has a new respect for his abilities).
Then yesterday I was asking him why, if he could follow the rules at school, why couldn't he follow them at home. His answer "well, there are millions of workers in my brain, and that's why my brain is so big and the workers are bad workers and they make me jump around"
Me: They do?
Him: Yes, and when I put on my uniform, well those workers hate school so on the way they jump out and then I can follow the rules. But when I'm home, they're back in my head.
It's almost like he controls himself all day long and then, when he gets home, he just explodes. I know of an autistic kid that does this. At school, he doesn't flap his hands at all but when he gets home, he flaps so badly, his can't concentrate on anything else. This is what my son is like. That and the talking. The boy never shuts up - never. Except when he's sleeping. I hope when he's older I can channel his energies into something constructive.
My biggest worry for him is that he feels like we're telling him what to do all the time - or rather, what not to do. It'll affect his self esteem in the same way it affected mine. He won't feel accepted and he'll feel like he's the naughty one. And his sister is so tired of having to battle him all the time to get some things to go her way - he's rude to her (and us somtimes), he's stubborn and obsessed and just wants things his way and she's losing her patience. I have to teach her that while it's OK to tell him what he's doing wrong sometimes we just have to accept him for who he is so that he feels like we love him.
Even I have to work at that, because I can see it in his demeanour that with everyone telling him what not to do, it makes him feel like we love him less. And that of course leads to him saying things like "I wish you didn't born me mummy, I wish in the year 2000, I didn't come out of you" and "can't you just create me another sister because this one's being rude to me".
When I read it, it sounds cute and funny, but hearing it is quite different. It's heart breaking because I know from personal experience what he's going through. I just hope I can make it better. Maybe, in the spirit of "you're having this experience because you need to have it", I'm the one that's going to help him because I know what it's like to be him and I know what I need to teach him so that he can control himself better and be better at doing things with other people.
We all have a purpose and for the moment, I think I've found mine.
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