Fuck, I can't stay in a good mood to save my life...

That's about it. This week has been a normal week in terms of work, the 'situation', the kids schooling, and we're set to go away this weekend to a seaside town called Kuantan, in the state of Pahang (Malaysia's largest state my son informs me). Normally I'd jump at the chance to go anywhere away from here, but this weekend I just don't feel like it.

I've been cranky since Thursday mid- morning, but I feel like I've had this cranky undercurrent all week. I feel horrible about it and the self loathing that comes with it makes it worse. I could attribute the aforementioned crankiness to a few things:
1. My daughter asked almost-ex to go with her to pick up her report card, something that I was looking forward to doing. She wants him to go with her because he did last time (I was in Australia, so live with the consequences of THAT little decision) and he's able to speak to the teachers in Chinese. This is logical and it shouldn't bother me, but I guess it must, given that I can't stop thinking about it. It will be over soon and I really should be more of an adult about it.

And I think my daughter must have felt my disappointment, even though I tried not to show it because before she went to bed she wanted to read a story together and she chose one that we used to read when she was much younger. In it, there's a picture of the mum and the baby taking a nap together - something we always wanted to do together but couldn't because she'd never go to sleep. She's really sweet, isn't she.

Number 2 thing that has been bothering me. After almost ex's good mood, he became more withdrawn for reasons not apparent to me. I tried upping the "be nice to him" factor and happily cooked up one of his favourite snacks - didn't make a difference and all he could say was a very small, mumbly thanks and then proceed to tell me that mine didn't taste as nice as the ones his mum cooked and how I could do it better this way and that. (WELL, GET YOUR MOTHER TO DO IT FOR YOU SHIT HEAD, YOUR BLOODY LUCKY I EVEN DID IT BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE DOING THESE THINGS FOR YOU NOW THAT WERE SEPARATED!)

3. Now that I'm on a whinging roll, I can't stand the way some people sit back and tell you how to do things, but don't actually get in there and do it themselves. They sit back on their bloody thrones and 'direct' you when you're doing things but do they pitch in - noooooooooooooo! Uggh can't stand it. And almost-ex's family (father, brothers) all possess this lovely trait and they see nothing wrong with it. This issue came to the fore this week because my daughter was watching me cook up the fried snack for almost-ex and was telling me how I could do it better (not that I expected her to get in and do it herself). I nearly freaked. It really annoyed me, even though logically I knew she was just trying to help. I gently told her that even though it looks easy, there are more things to think about than what she can actually see. But the underlying feelings were scary - she's never going to be able to bring up issues with me if I react that way and these feelings (insecurity, anger and resentment at not being appreciated) were over something so small - I can't imagine what it's going to be like when she needs to speak to me about something important.

yep, what a nice person I am. I'm acutely aware of my failings, having had them brought to my attention for the past 18 years, but somehow, all the awareness in the world, can't seem to change the way I think or the way my feelings take over my thoughts. Fucking scary stuff.

Now, I need to eat. No, really I do because I've noticed when I get stressed, I don't eat anymore. Eating repulses me, appearing self indulgent and disgusting, so when I'm in a mood, I don't and end up getting really hungry.

Cheers.

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Now playing: David Cook - First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
via FoxyTunes

wait a minute...what's going on!

The 'situation' is stable, that's what's going on. It's nice even. Almost ex has been happy and relaxed, going out a little, but not a whole lot (like he's trying to get away from me), he's playing with the kids a little more and even had breakfast with them, he's been having dinner with us (as opposed to by himself in his room), he made me a cup of tea (last time I remember that happening, I had not long given birth to my son - but then memories are fickle things), got me some water to have with my dinner ( and I didn't even ask and he went specially to the kitchen to get it) and has been a bit more chatty about things in general.

Does this mean things are on the up? I dare not speculate and I shouldn't even think about it because if things fall flat, spiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrral - and I need that like a kick in the head.

However, I am always wary when things are going well. I know there will be something down the road to explode in my face - some inane sign that he sees and I don't that I'm about to spiral into lunatic mode and when it happens, he says "I saw that coming a week ago".

Or the most dangerous of thought processes, my expectations rise and I think that his perception of me has gotten better, so I get more comfortable, more daring in the things I say and BANG! it all goes to shit.

I always swear to myself that this time will be different, that I won't let it be so - that I won't expect anything at all. But I can see myself reading meaning into things (like when he made me tea), where no meaning exists. As in the above paragraph, I think that because these things are happening, our situation might be improving and I come to expect things that are not there.

To me, this just shows me that in the deepest recesses of my messed up mind, I still care and can still see a life together. Lucky for me, the more independent part of me exists now (the part that writes this blog) and I can see these things happening, so can remind myself exactly WHY I don't want to get back together and why the distance between us is a good thing (remind myself right now that he has control issues, even if he doesn't think so, and that he holds me responsible for this whole sorry situation - well I don't think so PAL, because it takes TWO to tango, doncha know, and he is never going to admit his part in it and that is something I just can't handle!)

So, I will continue to do whatever it is I'm doing, and just focus on that - it's all I have to do. Stable, bide my time, be strong.



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Now playing: David Cook - I'm Alive
via FoxyTunes

The worst day ever

My son has just told me that it's his worst day ever. Why? Because I won't make cookies with him this afternoon. LOL. I wish.....

More settled

Currently feeling considerably more settled than I have been the past week. It's strange because I feel like I've never been away. I thought I'd be able to come back and just get on with what I'm supposed to be doing but my mind had/ is having other plans. I've had two spiralling episodes since I've been back. Two black days in less than two weeks whereas I've been averaging about 1.5 black days per month/ 6 weeks before I left.

Almost ex would read this as a sign that I'm not doing so well. I used to disregard his theories on this and put the black days down to "just the way I'm feeling today, you bastard" but now I tend to agree with him. 2 black days this close together is not good. A sign that I'm not coping as well as I thought I would / need to.

Monday's mood was so bad I had to cancel class, with the excuse that I'm wasn't feeling well (and I wasn't). I'm lucky to be in a position where I can do that, rather than having to turn up to work and ruin everyone's day. However, when speaking to my good friend Kim, she'd noticed that I could barely get the words out straight. On top of having a black spell, I felt really shitty about having to cancel her session, and that never has a good effect on my speaking. She insisted I get out of the house and come to her place, which I did and of course it did me the world of good. I was able to go back home in a better frame of mind. A good thing too that the kids were out of the house (1 at school and 1 at after school care), as it's never a good thing for them so see their mum like that.

My question to myself was: what was the trigger? Almost ex? Yes of course. Did he do anything wrong? Probably not, but my heightened sense of victim-ness ( i know, it's probably not a word) tells me otherwise. It tells me how he is SO rude (why don't you look up from the tv/computer when you're talking to me), how inconsiderate he is (how dare you treat me like I'm this huge bother in your life you inconsiderate, I-do-everything-for-you, prick) and how I would really rather LOVE to live back in Australia and not have to tolerate each other.

Ahhhhh, so that's it, I still haven't resolved the "I don't want to be living here" thing. I don't, but I have to, for the kids. And I'd better make good of it because it will affect the kids if I don't. I can't afford (mentally) to have a hissy fit everytime I focus on the fact that I don't like living here. Our situation is just what it is and there are plenty of people who have it much worse than I do.

So after speaking with Kim, who reliably tells me that I have to stay and everything will be OK, I'm ready to work on my attitude again and get my pre-Australia strength back.

Onwards and upwards, things could be worse. Soldier on and all of that.

Cheers

A meaty rant! warning, blog entry has high stress factor

After a conversation with my mum describing the meat situation (which happened again the following night with the chicken mince), she quietly informs me that mince meat with little bones in it is....PET MEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRRGGGGHHHH! SHE FEEDS IT TO HER DOGS!


WHAT ARE THESE FUCKING PEOPLE ON ABOUT!!! ARE THEY SO STUPID THEY CAN'T DECIPHER PET MINCE FROM MEAT MEANT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION! ARE THERE NO STANDARDS HERE. ARE THEY TRYING TO CUT COSTS AND MAINTAIN PROFIT BY SELLING CUSTOMERS PET MINCE FOR RM24 A KILO! DO THEY THINK WE WON'T NOTICE. OH MY GOD...I HATE LIVING HERE! AND IT HAPPENED TWICE. SAME SUPERMARKET, DIFFERENT MEAT! A GOOD THING I CHECKED SO MY FAMILY DIDN'T EAT IT AGAIN! ARRRRRGGGGHHHH. EVERY TIME I SHOP IN 'GIANT' SUPERMARKET, I AM AGAIN REMINDED OF (HERE IT IS) HOW MUCH I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE AND HOW I JUST WANT TO GO AND LIVE AT HOME!

So in the interests of my sanity, the health of my children, I will put this ugly little episode to bed and NEVER SHOP AT GIANT AGAIN!





Phew, glad that's out of my head. I'm OK now and quite happy to stay for the duration it takes for my kids to get to secondary school age.

The end of another day

It is indeed that...the end of another day. It was a shitty one. Daughter's homework completed only at the last panicky minute after my positive encouragement ran out and ended in a cranky rant about how she's not listening to me. Then found out that one of my students won't be coming to see me anymore. I'm glad they left it til the last minute to tell me. Then went in to speak with almost ex because I was heading into a spiral. I could tell he was avoiding me, thinking I'm a stupid messed up lunatic who he has to tolerate because of the kids. True? No, but that's the kind of thing that runs rampant in my head (I do feel sorry for almost ex sometimes). But, he could be nicer to me and that also makes my head spin - that he does speak to me like I don't matter. I so loath myself when I'm thinking like this, yet even being aware of it doesn't make it any better.

So 2pm comes around and it's time for after school care for my son, who talks incessantly about Tom and Jerry cartoons and the Wiggles. I have to tell him to stop talking so I can clear my head. That goes OK, my remaining student comes in and at 5 pm I offer to drive him home because I think his parents have forgotten he's here (It happens, doncha know). So drive him home, pick up son, get groceries to cook pasta for dinner and pick up daughter.

By this time, I think I'm getting on top of the spiral when I start thinking about asking almost ex to come home early from golf, because I don't think I can handle the kids at home without hitting the roof. I decide against it and soldier on, making a very ordinary pasta and bolognase sauce. I'd forgotten to buy garlic and tomato paste, so it's very watered down. That done, we start to eat and the sauce tastes like it's got little bones in it. A closer inspection shows that yes, their are lots of little bits of softish bone in our meat, making our pasta almost inedible. I eat only a small bit and the kids eat around it. Poor kids.

After dinner, I consider cleaning the pigsty in the kitchen sink when a phonecall comes through. It's the in-laws, they are going to drop by. So much for an early night. I could have said no, but we haven't seen them since we got back and I have presents in my room for them. The kids like the presents, we drink coffee and eat the dark chocolate I brought over from Australia - thank god I had that, because there was nothing in the cupboards. A nice visit though, I'm glad they dropped by, because in my spiral state, I sometimes think they don't like me at all and that makes me feel terrible because I know my kids are missing out. Do they hate me? No, I don't really think so, they just get busy with their own life.

So on that more positive note, I shall wish for a better day tomorrow.

And... we're back.

Gee, that two weeks flew by. Quicker than I ever thought possible. We did most of what we'd planned, caught up with all the people we wanted too (well missed a few). We played, we ate and ate and ate and played some more. Dinner with friends, good steak and wine, coffee by the heater, smoked trout and dark chocolate with Dad (not all at the same time) talking about life and such things.

Kids getting to know all their cousins all over again. Chloe and Rachel, you've come such a long way, even since last year. Dinner with you two at McDonalds was funny, interesting and relaxing. We talked about boys, school and other normal things and I enjoyed your company. Last year, we did the same thing and both of you didn't speak at all - I ordered, we ate, we left. Done! This year both of you were animated, funny, smiling, talking, smart and Rachel, the defining moment for me was when you said "So, someone choose a topic to talk about!" A little comment that stands for huge progress. I know your mum and dad are proud of both of you. **


My daughter's comment "Mummy, I feel so much better here" Why? "Because I can understand everything" makes me want to stay and give them their education in Australia. Her dream where she woke up crying after dreaming of her father lets me know I've made the right decision to go back to Malaysia.

While I was away, I read the book "since I was a princess", depicting the fight a journalist/writer mum had when her two children were stolen from her by her ex-husband, a prince in Malaysia. Very inspiring. If she can survive 14 years without her children, I can do this (staying in Malaysia so the children can be together with their father) for mine. Not that my story is in any way similar to hers. I'm not abused, the children love their father and he adores them too. It's just about appreciating that my situation is a lot better than some peoples. I'm with my children and that's what matters.

Coming back, I'm feeling a bit lost. I think I was expecting things to get better between me and almost ex, which was stupid of me, because I tell myself everyday, don't expect anything to change. If I do that, I'm OK, if I don't, it's easy to get disappointed and then dwell on it. Not a good thing. But I feel I need to connect with him in some way but if I just go and talk to him the usual way, the usual thing will happen (fight, tension) which is a place I just cannot go, knowing how destructive that can be for both of us. I wish there was something new we could connect over, but I have no idea what that might be. Anyway, that's a whole other blog entry isn't it?





** My nieces, Chloe (15) and Rachel (13), were both diagnosed with autism when they were very young. Chloe attends the local special school and is doing VCAL (modified) and Rachel attends a local secondary school. She's more on the Asperger's spectrum. Very smart, but socially needs some help in that she doesn't handle the unexpected well.