Geez, I get so nervous when I book airline tickets, but I did manage to do it. We are booked to come home on the Monday 29th of November. I wanted to come earlier because I've got things I gotta do, but complying with ex's request that he have at least a full week to be able to take the kids on holidays meant that I had to concede a few days. See ex, I don't always get what I want and am quite happy to 'co-operate' with you and give you what you have asked for.
This time we are flying Qantas. The last time I flew with them it was great, but they've since had a number of 'incidents' in the air so there was a little bit of hesitation when I booked. They were the cheapest full service airline. I didn't want to go with a budget carrier, even for $400 less. I'd read some reviews online and Air Asia is not reliable, you can't contact them when you have a problem and a friend told me that on a flight to London, they ran out of drinking water. WTF??? I'm stressed booking with a proper airline - I can't imagine what I'd be like with a budget carrier with no service. No thanks, I am not emotionally equipped to deal with that kind of nightmare.
And booking with Qantas meant I didn't need to use my newly acquired Malaysian credit card. I'm sure my friends will be a bit relieved. I promised them I wouldn't use it if I didn't have to. But I must say, they were really great to get it for me in the first place. They really came through for me, which I was so grateful for. They are good friends and if they ever come to visit me in Australia, I'm going to show them a hell of a time. Good food, good coffee and good scenery.
So what else has been happening. Not that much to be honest. I'm reading up on the education issues here in Malaysia and it's just depressing. Everyone I talk to thinks this system is shit. Too much emphasis on exams, yet the authorities don't know how to change it - they're talking about changing it, but these conversations go on every ten years or so and they never come to an actual agreement. A lot of parents focus on the kids getting as many A's as possible. Starting next year, science and maths will no longer be taught in English at a secondary level - and all the secondary schools in my town are national schools. Also, after year 9, the kids get streamed according to the grades you get. One girl that I'm teaching has been streamed into science but would love to do language and arts instead - yet she has no option to do that until after she leaves high school. The government seem intent on alienating the students by forcing them to do subjects they don't want to do. One family I know is completely jumping ship when their girl reaches form 1 - they're going to send her to KL where she will attend a private Chinese college. Other families just have to bear it and the consequences - their kids will need to work extra hard to rise above the flawed grading system and the revers racism that gives most university places to the Malays. For people with money, there's no problem as you can send your child to a private international university and a few have campuses here. It will certainly be a gift to my children for them to be able to study in Australia. I know they can't wait.
My new little student, the one who can't talk is proving to be quite the challenge. I cannot get him to sign anything beyond 'want' - like 'want car' and though he's babbling in a more conversational way, the attempts to talk are just not there. So I'm switching tactics for now and working on his physical skills - crawling, developing his pincer grip using macaroni and play-dough, balancing activities and so forth. It's really quite fun. Sometimes I can't believe people pay me to do what I do, but there you go. I literally sit and play with him for an hour. I suppose they pay me to think of the activities and know what benefits will come out of what we do. And I am good at that - choosing toys to develop particular skills and using other toys in ways that some people wouldn't think of. Even ex thinks so. For this kid though, I'm really hoping to see some improvement soon. His behaviour with me is good now, but that has to generalise to his home situation for it to be of any benefit to him and his family. I'll keep you posted.
It's time for bed. Tomorrow is another day. I'm taking myself to the dentist (finally) and my daughter is coming with me. Ex is having trouble sleeping - he's needing more xanax now and I'm glad I don't have that problem. I can sleep most nights as long as I'm feeling secure and not thinking too much.
So, have a nice day tomorrow. I'll see if I can too.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Will the real Adam Lambert stand up...
Mr Scorpio, you're getting on a bit now, so I'll forgive the last comment you made, what with the spelling error and all. You can't help it after all. So allow me to show you just who is distracting me and keeping me sane until that time where I get to come home.
In this video, he's performing in Sydney with the acoustic version of a song from his album.
In this video, he's performing in Sydney with the acoustic version of a song from his album.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Adam Lambert going international and some other stuff
Adam Lambert: I still adore this guy and can't get enough of him. I know it sounds crazy, but really, as I told my hero at http://adamlambertobsession.blogspot.com/ he makes me happy in a way the other man in my life never did. But that's fantasy for you.
Soooo, he's taking his GLAM NATION tour international, starting in September. If any of you hear a scrap of information about him coming to Melbourne to perform, PLEASE EMAIL ME and let me know. Seeing him in concert would be the experience of a life time, of that I am sure. In the US, the tickets to his concerts sell out in minutes, so I don't even really think I'd get a chance to go, but it's something I'd like to do for myself if it was possible.
I was just thinking of the things I am grateful for and one of those things is my computer, the internet and specifically YouTube. I don't know what I'd do to entertain myself on those times when I'm at home with not much to do. I watch Adam videos from his concerts and even though he's only a year into his career, he's done so much and he really can sing his face off. Over the top? Yes, sometimes but he also knows when to tone it down. Spectacular? Absolutely. I'm so glad for the distraction because it stops me from over-thinking things and he really is better than a dose of xanax. For me anyway. I know he's not for everyone and some of my friends think I'm nuts - but they went to see Cliff Richard in concert and he's 70! Better seeing the young and virile than the elderly! And we know what Cliff's going to do - just sing because really at that age, what else is there. Adam, on the other hand, can manage all sorts shenanigans on stage that makes my jaw drop and keeps me awake at night.
So, even though I will be looking, if you see of, hear of any information, I would love it you'd let me know.
*
I have a new student who started about 2 months ago and I can't work out his problem. He's not autistic though he displays a few autistic traits. He doesn't speak, at all. He does babble, use intonation, makes 'emotional' noises like gasping and 'uh oh' when he drops something. He has a sense of humour and with me, makes good eye contact. His physical motor skills are lagging and his coordination needs some work too. He can't sit still (he's been diagnosed as hyperactive). He likes to play and can use his imagination. He can use toy objects to role play real life skills but can't let me know when he needs the toilet. He's normal in so many ways, yet so delayed in others.
I can't work out why he can't talk, whether it's just a delay or whether it will be that he can't talk because that part of his brain doesn't work properly ie he has a specific language disability. He doesn't imitate or even seem to know that I want him to imitate what I'm saying and this is the process I need to start, but don't know how. I've read quite a bit on mutism in children but this kid doesn't match anything I've read. He has a voice, which he uses to babble but when it comes to words, nothing's there - just baby babble.
He's also got some behavioural issues, like having huge tantrums and injuring himself when he doesn't get his way. I'm thinking that because his family don't know how to manage this, it's come to the point where, at home, he just does what he wants and his family let him. In the first two sessions he tried scratching and kicking to get his way. I stopped him by just holding him firmly and saying no in an equally firm voice. He got the message after about 5 minutes and hasn't tried it since, so he's pretty intelligent in that way. I've taught him to ask for something by signing 'want' and now need to extend that by getting him to point at what it is he wants. This is taking him a little longer to learn.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see. He'll probably improve as he gets older, so patience is the key here.
*
I'm annoying ex again. Not on purpose, but I need to lay low for a bit as he gets through some stress - at least that's what I assume the problem to be. Little things are making him angry - at least they are little things to me. I'm not in the mood for his stress. I'm tired and so sick of being here.
*
My mum asked me about what I would miss here when I come home. For anyone reading this, you might think that I wouldn't miss anything, but that's not true. I'd miss my students and the families I've come to know. I'd miss my friends here. Warm mornings, cool evenings, the rain and the storms. Satay and teh tarik (sweet hot tea) and many of the delicious foods. But most of all (and my mum picked this one) I'd miss going for supper with my friends. Catching up over the latest good food find - soft shell crabs, teh tarik and satay, dim sum and Chinese tea, assam fish and coconut juice straight out of a coconut (just chop the top section off a young coconut and stick a straw in). And I think I'd miss my room. It's big and everything in it is mine, chosen by me, for me.
*
Ex is at the office today. I'm Grateful he doesn't have to be here to look at my face and see how depressed I'm feeling. Not depressed really, just a bit flat. The kids are watching tv and I don't care how long for, I just want to sleep and sleep some more. I'm glad they have each other. Maybe some dark chocolate will help.
Later.
Soooo, he's taking his GLAM NATION tour international, starting in September. If any of you hear a scrap of information about him coming to Melbourne to perform, PLEASE EMAIL ME and let me know. Seeing him in concert would be the experience of a life time, of that I am sure. In the US, the tickets to his concerts sell out in minutes, so I don't even really think I'd get a chance to go, but it's something I'd like to do for myself if it was possible.
I was just thinking of the things I am grateful for and one of those things is my computer, the internet and specifically YouTube. I don't know what I'd do to entertain myself on those times when I'm at home with not much to do. I watch Adam videos from his concerts and even though he's only a year into his career, he's done so much and he really can sing his face off. Over the top? Yes, sometimes but he also knows when to tone it down. Spectacular? Absolutely. I'm so glad for the distraction because it stops me from over-thinking things and he really is better than a dose of xanax. For me anyway. I know he's not for everyone and some of my friends think I'm nuts - but they went to see Cliff Richard in concert and he's 70! Better seeing the young and virile than the elderly! And we know what Cliff's going to do - just sing because really at that age, what else is there. Adam, on the other hand, can manage all sorts shenanigans on stage that makes my jaw drop and keeps me awake at night.
So, even though I will be looking, if you see of, hear of any information, I would love it you'd let me know.
*
I have a new student who started about 2 months ago and I can't work out his problem. He's not autistic though he displays a few autistic traits. He doesn't speak, at all. He does babble, use intonation, makes 'emotional' noises like gasping and 'uh oh' when he drops something. He has a sense of humour and with me, makes good eye contact. His physical motor skills are lagging and his coordination needs some work too. He can't sit still (he's been diagnosed as hyperactive). He likes to play and can use his imagination. He can use toy objects to role play real life skills but can't let me know when he needs the toilet. He's normal in so many ways, yet so delayed in others.
I can't work out why he can't talk, whether it's just a delay or whether it will be that he can't talk because that part of his brain doesn't work properly ie he has a specific language disability. He doesn't imitate or even seem to know that I want him to imitate what I'm saying and this is the process I need to start, but don't know how. I've read quite a bit on mutism in children but this kid doesn't match anything I've read. He has a voice, which he uses to babble but when it comes to words, nothing's there - just baby babble.
He's also got some behavioural issues, like having huge tantrums and injuring himself when he doesn't get his way. I'm thinking that because his family don't know how to manage this, it's come to the point where, at home, he just does what he wants and his family let him. In the first two sessions he tried scratching and kicking to get his way. I stopped him by just holding him firmly and saying no in an equally firm voice. He got the message after about 5 minutes and hasn't tried it since, so he's pretty intelligent in that way. I've taught him to ask for something by signing 'want' and now need to extend that by getting him to point at what it is he wants. This is taking him a little longer to learn.
I guess we'll just have to wait and see. He'll probably improve as he gets older, so patience is the key here.
*
I'm annoying ex again. Not on purpose, but I need to lay low for a bit as he gets through some stress - at least that's what I assume the problem to be. Little things are making him angry - at least they are little things to me. I'm not in the mood for his stress. I'm tired and so sick of being here.
*
My mum asked me about what I would miss here when I come home. For anyone reading this, you might think that I wouldn't miss anything, but that's not true. I'd miss my students and the families I've come to know. I'd miss my friends here. Warm mornings, cool evenings, the rain and the storms. Satay and teh tarik (sweet hot tea) and many of the delicious foods. But most of all (and my mum picked this one) I'd miss going for supper with my friends. Catching up over the latest good food find - soft shell crabs, teh tarik and satay, dim sum and Chinese tea, assam fish and coconut juice straight out of a coconut (just chop the top section off a young coconut and stick a straw in). And I think I'd miss my room. It's big and everything in it is mine, chosen by me, for me.
*
Ex is at the office today. I'm Grateful he doesn't have to be here to look at my face and see how depressed I'm feeling. Not depressed really, just a bit flat. The kids are watching tv and I don't care how long for, I just want to sleep and sleep some more. I'm glad they have each other. Maybe some dark chocolate will help.
Later.
Monday, July 19, 2010
The dinner and the weekend
The dinner that followed ex's 'meltdown' went quite well really. We met up at Pizza Hut where the food was very ordinary but the atmosphere on our table was warm and friendly. The kids did really well. They were happy and chatty and all smiley. We got there first as ex had told us that he was going to be late and that we should order first. I was a little relieved because it meant I could order first and he wouldn't know how long I'd taken (he always says I order too slowly), and I'd be able to settle the kids first.
He arrived about 15 minutes after we did, sat down, looking happy and it went well. I was the only one to spill food and trip up on the walk back to the car, but he laughed at that instead of getting embarrassed which he has and still does. He seemed more relaxed and it was pleasant.
Going out for a family dinner usually means I'm stressed to the eyeballs, making sure I've got everything and that the kids behave themselves - which, by my standards, they almost always do, but by his, well, little things stress him out. But this time I wasn't. Him admitting that he's still in a mess, showing his vulnerability, always makes me stronger. It sounds bad that when he's down, I'm up because the reverse is also true - when he's up, happy and strong, I'm weaker and, I have to admit, intimidated. He just over powers me but expects me to keep up with him. With things being as they are, I've found it hard to change this aspect of our relationship and it's one of the contributing reasons as to why we are no longer good together and haven't been for a long time.
*
Anyhoo, the weekend also saw me looking at ticket prices to go home at the end of the year. Air Asia, the budget airline here had a really good price - AUD 1580 for all three of us. That's a really good price, but then I read some online reviews and experiences from other people and I don't think I will risk it. If anything goes wrong, I won't be able to follow it up because their customer service is crap and I don't need that kind of stress on a long haul flight. I'll probably go QANTAS from Singapore, as they now have lower fares than Emirates. I'll just have to pray for a newish aircraft, as their older ones are not good. Last time I flew QANTAS, I had a fantastic flight but coming back, the queue to check in was two hours long. Ridiculous.
*
I haven't gotten my malaysian credit card yet. Hopefully I'll be able to get it. If not, I will book via my travel agent and just have to pay a higher fare. I think if mum hadn't been sick, I'd consider not coming back now, because I know I'm coming back next year. But I've committed myself and I know the break will be good for me and the kids.
The other thing that is going to impact my finances (which is why I need a really low fare back home) is that I want to buy a car in Melbourne this year. There are a few reasons for this: mum's little car has finally died and if I go back, a second car will give us all more flexibility. Also, I'm going to need it as soon as I get back anyway and having a second car available for mum and dad during the year will be good for them as well. Their current car is an old Audi that used to belong to us, but it desperately needs to be traded in for a zippy little Japanese number that is easy to drive and cheapish to fix. I only want to spend about 3 - 4K on a car, but not sure if that's even realistic. I haven't bought my own car for the longest time and I want a biggish Japanese sedan, like an older Camry
So I'm currently considering whether I can really afford both and have some spending money while I'm there. I have some savings at home, and a bit extra, thanks to Kevin (Rudd). To purchase a car (with insurance) of about 4K and buy tickets (2.5K) will wipe out the amount from the government. I will then have to use some of the kids savings for spending money which I don't really want to do, as that is our emergency fund (medical, last resort if ex can't get access to cash).
*
It's quiet, so quiet here now. It's cool and lovely. I went for a walk this morning with my Australian friend who will also be heading back this Summer. It's time now to get ready to do the school drop off, visit Nasom, come back, teach a class then go to Nasom again to meet someone or rather who wants to meet me (I don't know why). Then it's shopping and dinner and homework and sleep.
And then another day.
Thankyou for your hugs people. Hugs back to you.
He arrived about 15 minutes after we did, sat down, looking happy and it went well. I was the only one to spill food and trip up on the walk back to the car, but he laughed at that instead of getting embarrassed which he has and still does. He seemed more relaxed and it was pleasant.
Going out for a family dinner usually means I'm stressed to the eyeballs, making sure I've got everything and that the kids behave themselves - which, by my standards, they almost always do, but by his, well, little things stress him out. But this time I wasn't. Him admitting that he's still in a mess, showing his vulnerability, always makes me stronger. It sounds bad that when he's down, I'm up because the reverse is also true - when he's up, happy and strong, I'm weaker and, I have to admit, intimidated. He just over powers me but expects me to keep up with him. With things being as they are, I've found it hard to change this aspect of our relationship and it's one of the contributing reasons as to why we are no longer good together and haven't been for a long time.
*
Anyhoo, the weekend also saw me looking at ticket prices to go home at the end of the year. Air Asia, the budget airline here had a really good price - AUD 1580 for all three of us. That's a really good price, but then I read some online reviews and experiences from other people and I don't think I will risk it. If anything goes wrong, I won't be able to follow it up because their customer service is crap and I don't need that kind of stress on a long haul flight. I'll probably go QANTAS from Singapore, as they now have lower fares than Emirates. I'll just have to pray for a newish aircraft, as their older ones are not good. Last time I flew QANTAS, I had a fantastic flight but coming back, the queue to check in was two hours long. Ridiculous.
*
I haven't gotten my malaysian credit card yet. Hopefully I'll be able to get it. If not, I will book via my travel agent and just have to pay a higher fare. I think if mum hadn't been sick, I'd consider not coming back now, because I know I'm coming back next year. But I've committed myself and I know the break will be good for me and the kids.
The other thing that is going to impact my finances (which is why I need a really low fare back home) is that I want to buy a car in Melbourne this year. There are a few reasons for this: mum's little car has finally died and if I go back, a second car will give us all more flexibility. Also, I'm going to need it as soon as I get back anyway and having a second car available for mum and dad during the year will be good for them as well. Their current car is an old Audi that used to belong to us, but it desperately needs to be traded in for a zippy little Japanese number that is easy to drive and cheapish to fix. I only want to spend about 3 - 4K on a car, but not sure if that's even realistic. I haven't bought my own car for the longest time and I want a biggish Japanese sedan, like an older Camry
So I'm currently considering whether I can really afford both and have some spending money while I'm there. I have some savings at home, and a bit extra, thanks to Kevin (Rudd). To purchase a car (with insurance) of about 4K and buy tickets (2.5K) will wipe out the amount from the government. I will then have to use some of the kids savings for spending money which I don't really want to do, as that is our emergency fund (medical, last resort if ex can't get access to cash).
*
It's quiet, so quiet here now. It's cool and lovely. I went for a walk this morning with my Australian friend who will also be heading back this Summer. It's time now to get ready to do the school drop off, visit Nasom, come back, teach a class then go to Nasom again to meet someone or rather who wants to meet me (I don't know why). Then it's shopping and dinner and homework and sleep.
And then another day.
Thankyou for your hugs people. Hugs back to you.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
An apology
Not from me this time. A rare and genuine apology to me from ex for his behaviour the other night, when he left in a rather distressed state. I didn't melt down that night. Nor the next day. After I mulled it over a bit, I thought it's his stress, his problem, he needs to sort it out. I let him be and got on doing what needed to be done. I didn't contact him. I thought when he is ready, he'll be back or he'll contact me. I made my own plans, centred around my own commitments.
He was away for the one night only and when late afternoon rolled around the next day, I got a message from him saying he'd be back and did I want him to pick up the son. I said no, the kids were coming with me to my class. That was it. There was no arguing, meltdowns or anything of the sort. It was like nothing had happened. There was no use talking about it because he'd said everything he wanted to say and I understood where he was coming from.
This morning he got up early and came in to talk. I'd been up since 5.30 anyway so it wasn't like he was getting me out of bed. He told me he was sorry about the other night and that he realised it was his problem. He doesn't like being like this. He hates it when he gets angry at the kids, but sometimes he can't help it. Their misbehaviour reminds him in so many ways of when we were together. I don't necessarily agree with him, but that's his story and he can have it. I'm not going to argue over that. He realises he has no patience with them. I told him I understood (and I do, which is different I think, from agreeing with him) and that if he couldn't deal with the kids, then I would be there. I will step in, every time. If that meant calling me home to avert a meltdown, then so be it.
He still referred to me in the past in ways that another person might find hurtful, but I've heard it so many times, it doesn't hurt (that much) anymore. I'm really hard to live with he says and I came with minimal life skills. How much time did we waste, he went on, making up for my mistakes (lost keys, tissue in the washing, etc). Most people are getting on with their lives he said, and we're still stuck talking about how to keep the bench clean. He said given the choice now, he'd never do it again (be with someone like me). I feel sorry for him because if he cuts out all the "people like me" from his life, he's going to be very lonely. Not to mention the fact that his children are very much "people like me".
Issues aside, he said he realises he's a mess at the moment (not his words) and he needs to sort himself out. He's managed to let go of the hate and the anger, but there's still a lot of work to do on himself. He needs time to build himself up. He needs to get cash flow going. He needs to make this office thing work for him because it was a big step and an investment of sorts.
I told him he should take whatever time he needs. I will still be here. I will take care of the children and he can see them and interact with them when he feels able to cope. He said he'd help out by getting someone in to clean (which I don't want actually) and taking over when he can. Out of all this, I appreciated his honesty about what was happening and for once, I felt like I WASN'T responsible. These are his demons and he needs to deal with them. He's not very happy with himself at the moment, that I can tell. I'm glad he realises it because that means I don't feel like I should be saying something when I can't. He's been to see his mum too and I think he's talked to her. She's really good in a crisis, very supportive. I know she worries about him, because she knows that last time he was really depressed, he became suicidal (thoughts only, no actions).
Today he left for the office early and I've just had a phonecall from him. He asked us all to join him for dinner at Pizza Hut. I can see he's making an effort because he hates Pizza Hut, but he knows our son loves it. He spoke to me with more patience than I've heard for quite a while, asking me if I'd started cooking yet, whether I had any plans tonight - he never usually asks and often gets impatient when I talk to him.
So we're having a family dinner. I've told the kids they need to be on their best, happiest behaviour because their papa is a bit stressed and he needs us to make him feel good. I hope they can do it. I will let you know how it goes.
Cheers and thankyou lovely people, for being there for me.
He was away for the one night only and when late afternoon rolled around the next day, I got a message from him saying he'd be back and did I want him to pick up the son. I said no, the kids were coming with me to my class. That was it. There was no arguing, meltdowns or anything of the sort. It was like nothing had happened. There was no use talking about it because he'd said everything he wanted to say and I understood where he was coming from.
This morning he got up early and came in to talk. I'd been up since 5.30 anyway so it wasn't like he was getting me out of bed. He told me he was sorry about the other night and that he realised it was his problem. He doesn't like being like this. He hates it when he gets angry at the kids, but sometimes he can't help it. Their misbehaviour reminds him in so many ways of when we were together. I don't necessarily agree with him, but that's his story and he can have it. I'm not going to argue over that. He realises he has no patience with them. I told him I understood (and I do, which is different I think, from agreeing with him) and that if he couldn't deal with the kids, then I would be there. I will step in, every time. If that meant calling me home to avert a meltdown, then so be it.
He still referred to me in the past in ways that another person might find hurtful, but I've heard it so many times, it doesn't hurt (that much) anymore. I'm really hard to live with he says and I came with minimal life skills. How much time did we waste, he went on, making up for my mistakes (lost keys, tissue in the washing, etc). Most people are getting on with their lives he said, and we're still stuck talking about how to keep the bench clean. He said given the choice now, he'd never do it again (be with someone like me). I feel sorry for him because if he cuts out all the "people like me" from his life, he's going to be very lonely. Not to mention the fact that his children are very much "people like me".
Issues aside, he said he realises he's a mess at the moment (not his words) and he needs to sort himself out. He's managed to let go of the hate and the anger, but there's still a lot of work to do on himself. He needs time to build himself up. He needs to get cash flow going. He needs to make this office thing work for him because it was a big step and an investment of sorts.
I told him he should take whatever time he needs. I will still be here. I will take care of the children and he can see them and interact with them when he feels able to cope. He said he'd help out by getting someone in to clean (which I don't want actually) and taking over when he can. Out of all this, I appreciated his honesty about what was happening and for once, I felt like I WASN'T responsible. These are his demons and he needs to deal with them. He's not very happy with himself at the moment, that I can tell. I'm glad he realises it because that means I don't feel like I should be saying something when I can't. He's been to see his mum too and I think he's talked to her. She's really good in a crisis, very supportive. I know she worries about him, because she knows that last time he was really depressed, he became suicidal (thoughts only, no actions).
Today he left for the office early and I've just had a phonecall from him. He asked us all to join him for dinner at Pizza Hut. I can see he's making an effort because he hates Pizza Hut, but he knows our son loves it. He spoke to me with more patience than I've heard for quite a while, asking me if I'd started cooking yet, whether I had any plans tonight - he never usually asks and often gets impatient when I talk to him.
So we're having a family dinner. I've told the kids they need to be on their best, happiest behaviour because their papa is a bit stressed and he needs us to make him feel good. I hope they can do it. I will let you know how it goes.
Cheers and thankyou lovely people, for being there for me.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Detox? Huh?
The electricity bill is down by another 60 Ringgit. He's been telling us for years - switch off lights and fans, switch off air-con when you leave the room. Turn the air con down to sleep mode when you go to sleep. He's been telling me for years and years. And I've been trying... but not really succeeding, sometimes I'd remember but every time he came out of his room, he'd still find fans and lights on. So I finally sat down with the kids and explained what we had to do - turn off every fan and light, everytime. We're going to sleep only half a night with aircon by setting the timers to switch it off at 4am. And we've improved slowly - too slowly. It's taken us 5 years to get the electricity bill under 400. At it's peak, it was 600.
Ex asks me: is what I want so bad, is it so pedantic. Is it so hard, that you can't do it. I don't know why I couldn't do it before. I am lost for words when answering this. There are no answers. It seems reasonable. Why does he have to fight so hard for something so small? He doesn't want the kids to shower together anymore. OK... I stopped that a few months ago, but he had to ask me two or three times for me to take notice. He feels like the invisible man, like what ever he thinks has no importance. He's fought with me for so long, on issues like this. Small, trivial things, like using coasters on the table, keeping the kitchen bench clear, keeping the water up so we always have some to drink, not putting tissues in with the washing and many, many more.
Now, he has nothing left to give. He has no patience for the kids. He is not the father he wants to be and he knows that's sad. He doesn't have any patience, for anyone. If I had thought that all my arguing would have led to this, I would have given it up long ago.
Tonight, after trying and failing again to help our daughter with her homework because she didn't want to do it his way, after trying to iron his shirts and having yet again, to deal with bits of tissue everywhere (because I hadn't got around to cleaning it up) and black crap coming out of the iron and having something else go wrong when all he wanted was a glass of water, he left us. He staying at the office, where he has set up a mattress if he gets tired during the day. He just couldn't take it anymore. Every time he sees the kids misbehave or fight to be right, he sees me and it floods him with the same emotions he had with me, all those years ago. In his own words, the straw on the camel's back broke a long time ago.
I watched him telling me all this, after he'd started to get his things together. I just stood there and looked at him, away from him, at the floor, wishing I could wipe all our years together away just so he'd have the energy to deal with the kids. He was almost crying, because he doesn't know how to fix this. I don't know how to fix him and he knows how much he will lose. I don't know what to tell him anymore, because nothing I say ever makes it better. Nothing, ever. I must have apologised a million times over.
It's hard for him to start afresh with me when issues we fought about 15 years ago, are still things he has to fight for now. Small, trivial things. But if it's not lights and fans, it will be something else. 15 years ago, it was something else - shopping by going up and down each aisle and carrying a shopping list - which now, ironically, I can't do without. He feels like has been fighting the same stupid little battles for years and years and years. And now he has nothing left. Trapped in his room, he has had to cope by leaving. He never would have wanted it this way, I know that. He can't see why I couldn't change, why I just couldn't give him what he needed, such small things.
When he says it, it sounds so simple. If only I'd done this and that, we'd never be here. There are so many "if only's" in my life. Look at where we are because of me, because I couldn't give him those few things.
But it's not simple. There was always more too it than that. There had to be. I don't know what it was, but it couldn't have happened just because of these small, small things.
Last night I text'd him to ask if he could stay home this morning while I went for some exercise. I thought I was being considerate. He messaged me back and said Ok so, thinking I better show how grateful I was I sent one back saying thanks. I woke him up with the first text and then again with the second one. After that, he couldn't sleep for another two hours. Our timing together is terrible. When I messaged him about the electricity being down, thinking he'd be pleased, he was thinking, "why couldn't this have happened years ago, we're the only 4 person family with a bill of over 400 Ringgit." (me and my friends that is). This of course led to "why do I have to fight so hard for something so simple."
I'm so tired, I don't think I can make it through another year. Not like this. Not where every little movement counts. And it counts because it's part of such a huge ugly picture. I can't stand it where me being me, makes this household ex's enemy (his words).
My mantra for tonight, as I try to sleep - whatever happens it will be OK and it can't be just me.
Detox? What detox?
Ex asks me: is what I want so bad, is it so pedantic. Is it so hard, that you can't do it. I don't know why I couldn't do it before. I am lost for words when answering this. There are no answers. It seems reasonable. Why does he have to fight so hard for something so small? He doesn't want the kids to shower together anymore. OK... I stopped that a few months ago, but he had to ask me two or three times for me to take notice. He feels like the invisible man, like what ever he thinks has no importance. He's fought with me for so long, on issues like this. Small, trivial things, like using coasters on the table, keeping the kitchen bench clear, keeping the water up so we always have some to drink, not putting tissues in with the washing and many, many more.
Now, he has nothing left to give. He has no patience for the kids. He is not the father he wants to be and he knows that's sad. He doesn't have any patience, for anyone. If I had thought that all my arguing would have led to this, I would have given it up long ago.
Tonight, after trying and failing again to help our daughter with her homework because she didn't want to do it his way, after trying to iron his shirts and having yet again, to deal with bits of tissue everywhere (because I hadn't got around to cleaning it up) and black crap coming out of the iron and having something else go wrong when all he wanted was a glass of water, he left us. He staying at the office, where he has set up a mattress if he gets tired during the day. He just couldn't take it anymore. Every time he sees the kids misbehave or fight to be right, he sees me and it floods him with the same emotions he had with me, all those years ago. In his own words, the straw on the camel's back broke a long time ago.
I watched him telling me all this, after he'd started to get his things together. I just stood there and looked at him, away from him, at the floor, wishing I could wipe all our years together away just so he'd have the energy to deal with the kids. He was almost crying, because he doesn't know how to fix this. I don't know how to fix him and he knows how much he will lose. I don't know what to tell him anymore, because nothing I say ever makes it better. Nothing, ever. I must have apologised a million times over.
It's hard for him to start afresh with me when issues we fought about 15 years ago, are still things he has to fight for now. Small, trivial things. But if it's not lights and fans, it will be something else. 15 years ago, it was something else - shopping by going up and down each aisle and carrying a shopping list - which now, ironically, I can't do without. He feels like has been fighting the same stupid little battles for years and years and years. And now he has nothing left. Trapped in his room, he has had to cope by leaving. He never would have wanted it this way, I know that. He can't see why I couldn't change, why I just couldn't give him what he needed, such small things.
When he says it, it sounds so simple. If only I'd done this and that, we'd never be here. There are so many "if only's" in my life. Look at where we are because of me, because I couldn't give him those few things.
But it's not simple. There was always more too it than that. There had to be. I don't know what it was, but it couldn't have happened just because of these small, small things.
Last night I text'd him to ask if he could stay home this morning while I went for some exercise. I thought I was being considerate. He messaged me back and said Ok so, thinking I better show how grateful I was I sent one back saying thanks. I woke him up with the first text and then again with the second one. After that, he couldn't sleep for another two hours. Our timing together is terrible. When I messaged him about the electricity being down, thinking he'd be pleased, he was thinking, "why couldn't this have happened years ago, we're the only 4 person family with a bill of over 400 Ringgit." (me and my friends that is). This of course led to "why do I have to fight so hard for something so simple."
I'm so tired, I don't think I can make it through another year. Not like this. Not where every little movement counts. And it counts because it's part of such a huge ugly picture. I can't stand it where me being me, makes this household ex's enemy (his words).
My mantra for tonight, as I try to sleep - whatever happens it will be OK and it can't be just me.
Detox? What detox?
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Loving the emptiness
Ex has been all day at the office for the last two days and really, it's remarkable how the atmosphere in the house during the day has changed - for me anyway. I'm not sure the kids have noticed that much, but I love that 'empty' feel. Knowing that what I do here doesn't impact negatively on someone else is hugely liberating. I can lie on the couch and watch tv (and he won't know), I can detox and feel shitty in peace (and he won't have to see the look on my face that broadcasts the fact that I'm not feeling well) and we can have whatever we want for lunch and I don't need to think about him because now he buys his own lunch.
I don't have to see him sleeping (or know that he's sleeping) and pretend to be OK with it, especially when it's a 4 hour nap. I mean (and I know I'm being judgemental), but, who does that? For someone who is supposed to be serious about getting his act together, a 4 hour nap doesn't seem to be the way to do that. To me, a nap this long says I can work whenever I want, if I want to or it can say "I'm just to depressed to work, leave me alone".
I do know though, how exhausting 'finding yourself' can be - the stress, anxiety and the despair can truly leave you whacked. You just want to sleep some, just to be rid of the stress - so maybe I'm being a bit harsh.
Anyway, I'm surprised at the difference this has made for me. Not that I'm leaping around the house doing things I didn't do before - no, the house is still a little messy, the table needs clearing but the dishes are done, the bench is clean and I'm less self conscious, which for me, is always a good thing.
I don't have to see him sleeping (or know that he's sleeping) and pretend to be OK with it, especially when it's a 4 hour nap. I mean (and I know I'm being judgemental), but, who does that? For someone who is supposed to be serious about getting his act together, a 4 hour nap doesn't seem to be the way to do that. To me, a nap this long says I can work whenever I want, if I want to or it can say "I'm just to depressed to work, leave me alone".
I do know though, how exhausting 'finding yourself' can be - the stress, anxiety and the despair can truly leave you whacked. You just want to sleep some, just to be rid of the stress - so maybe I'm being a bit harsh.
Anyway, I'm surprised at the difference this has made for me. Not that I'm leaping around the house doing things I didn't do before - no, the house is still a little messy, the table needs clearing but the dishes are done, the bench is clean and I'm less self conscious, which for me, is always a good thing.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Detox Day 2
Woke this morning at 5.00 to the sound of raindrops and luckily (or not) remembered that the shoes were still outside drying. So I high-tailed it out of bed, went outside and gathered them all up, just before it really started pouring. I wash the kids school shoes once a week because they get so black and sometimes, only when it's raining of course, I forget to take them in again.
So that's how my morning started. I actually got back to bed after this and just as I was getting comfortable, the alarm went off at 6 and I had to get up again. This did not help my aching head. No matter, I got the daughter off to school, the ex off to the office and came back and slept on the couch for a while. In fact, because of the headache, I spent most of the day on the couch, slumming it, watching movies, feeling very tired.
My diet was a little more practical today. Lots of water, still no coffee or white carbs, but I did have fruit and weetbix for breakfast, vegies and chicken for lunch, and meat and vegies for dinner. For snacks I had a hot milo without extra sugar and some cheese and crackers.
The metallic taste in my mouth has passed, but fatigue and a headache have set in. And, uch to my horror, I'm sweating even more than normal. This all over, even while you are sitting down kind of sweating is not pleasant and I am about to have my 3rd shower for the day. Oh yes, and I was irritable and had a horrible homework session with the kids because I just could not cope with them not doing it in a timely manner.
The best part of my day was when my lovely son, gave me lots of hugs and kisses and then told me "I just love you too much". Then he started giggling, really cute-like, with his hand over his mouth and when I asked him what was up he said "I don't know, I just love you"... and then started rubbing his eyes and I asked him if he was crying and he said yes, but I'm happy... cos I just love you too much. Of course, being the sop that I am, I got wet eyes too. It was a very sweet moment (or 5) and one I will remember for a very long time.
Later he said he wanted to do something else for me. I asked him what and he said I should lie on the couch and listen to some music through the headphones and he'll press the buttons for me and that would make me feel better. He's worth every moment I spend managing him and his quirkiness. Every. Single. One. He really lights up my day. I've just put him to bed but I'm waiting for him to come back again and tell me something else - itchy nose, sore foot, thirsty... I wonder which it will be tonight.
Anyhoo, time for bed again. Even though I'm not driving daughter to school tomorrow, I still want to get up with her and help her because she's so tired. Ex will be taking the car to get fixed - that funny sound that's still coming from the back is the differential (whatever that is) about to cark it, so ex is hopefully getting it fixed in the morning.
PS Ahhh, here's my son, just walked in: tonight it's "I can't sleep" at 11.39pm!
pSS 40 sleepless minutes later, he had a blood nose. He must have an instinct about these things.
So that's how my morning started. I actually got back to bed after this and just as I was getting comfortable, the alarm went off at 6 and I had to get up again. This did not help my aching head. No matter, I got the daughter off to school, the ex off to the office and came back and slept on the couch for a while. In fact, because of the headache, I spent most of the day on the couch, slumming it, watching movies, feeling very tired.
My diet was a little more practical today. Lots of water, still no coffee or white carbs, but I did have fruit and weetbix for breakfast, vegies and chicken for lunch, and meat and vegies for dinner. For snacks I had a hot milo without extra sugar and some cheese and crackers.
The metallic taste in my mouth has passed, but fatigue and a headache have set in. And, uch to my horror, I'm sweating even more than normal. This all over, even while you are sitting down kind of sweating is not pleasant and I am about to have my 3rd shower for the day. Oh yes, and I was irritable and had a horrible homework session with the kids because I just could not cope with them not doing it in a timely manner.
The best part of my day was when my lovely son, gave me lots of hugs and kisses and then told me "I just love you too much". Then he started giggling, really cute-like, with his hand over his mouth and when I asked him what was up he said "I don't know, I just love you"... and then started rubbing his eyes and I asked him if he was crying and he said yes, but I'm happy... cos I just love you too much. Of course, being the sop that I am, I got wet eyes too. It was a very sweet moment (or 5) and one I will remember for a very long time.
Later he said he wanted to do something else for me. I asked him what and he said I should lie on the couch and listen to some music through the headphones and he'll press the buttons for me and that would make me feel better. He's worth every moment I spend managing him and his quirkiness. Every. Single. One. He really lights up my day. I've just put him to bed but I'm waiting for him to come back again and tell me something else - itchy nose, sore foot, thirsty... I wonder which it will be tonight.
Anyhoo, time for bed again. Even though I'm not driving daughter to school tomorrow, I still want to get up with her and help her because she's so tired. Ex will be taking the car to get fixed - that funny sound that's still coming from the back is the differential (whatever that is) about to cark it, so ex is hopefully getting it fixed in the morning.
PS Ahhh, here's my son, just walked in: tonight it's "I can't sleep" at 11.39pm!
pSS 40 sleepless minutes later, he had a blood nose. He must have an instinct about these things.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Detox Day 1
Ouch. My head hurts.
The day started off pretty good actually, I didn't get hungry until late tonight. I ate very lightly - only natural foods, no coffee, no chocolate, 3 serves of fruit, nuts and sultanas for a snack, salad and an egg for lunch, an egg and some wholemeal crackers for dinner. I think that's about a third of what I'd normally eat. I took the detox powder, which is similar to a fibre supplement at breakfast and dinner and managed to keep it down. It's not delicious, as the people in the reviews claim - if they think it's delish, I have to wonder what else they are eating.
My mood was good, not cranky at all. In fact, I was probably a bit more gentle today with the kids because I was expecting to be cranky. I did feel tired towards the evening and opted not to cook, instead asking ex to get something for him and the kids for dinner. It smelled really nice, but I was strong and didn't indulge. My friend lived this way for about 4 or 5 months, while she lost weight on the Cohen's diet - no carbs, fat, sugar or dairy - only protein, fruit and veg. I don't know how she did it -and yes, she lost about 20 kilos.
I really want to see what happens to the allergy on my hands after I've detoxed. I'm hoping it will just gradually disappear, but we'll see. I only have this allergy here, in Malaysia. My hands itch and prickle and then look like I've gone over them with a grater. Everyone here has their own cure, but so far nothing has helped stop the attacks - except a strong steroid cream my sis-in-law gave me that she gets from Thailand for the same problem. My doctor says it's probably the water. My own opinion is that it's the stress manifesting itself physically. I used to think I was allergic to dish detergent, but now it's any cleaner that can set it off and sometimes, even if I haven't been cleaning, I'll still have an attack. So, here's hoping.
*
In other matters, ex's brother (the lawyer who lives locally) dropped by for a visit. He was actually picking up his youngest son who'd come over to our place to play with my kids. Ex doesn't talk to his brothers that much anymore. I guess they've tried to help him and it hasn't worked or ex has refused, so they've given up. The brother is a little worried about ex, saying that ex still had to find himself, find his niche in the world. He doesn't think having the office will help him but I get the sense that he doesn't really know what will. He talks a lot this guy. He's arrogant too and his son is even worse. They are not my favorite people but they are family and I know that if I got into any kind of trouble, I could call on him, so I'm always polite and try to listen to what he's saying.
Ex is enjoying his office. He's been there every day since he moved in and slept there on Saturday night after being called out for a drink and, having already taken xanax, found he was too out of it to drive home. I can't say anything, though I wish he'd be more careful. It's his life, his choice to make dumb decisions like that.
Anyway, my heads thumping, so I'm going to bed. Day 2 of detox coming up. I wonder if I'll be as strong as I was today.
The day started off pretty good actually, I didn't get hungry until late tonight. I ate very lightly - only natural foods, no coffee, no chocolate, 3 serves of fruit, nuts and sultanas for a snack, salad and an egg for lunch, an egg and some wholemeal crackers for dinner. I think that's about a third of what I'd normally eat. I took the detox powder, which is similar to a fibre supplement at breakfast and dinner and managed to keep it down. It's not delicious, as the people in the reviews claim - if they think it's delish, I have to wonder what else they are eating.
My mood was good, not cranky at all. In fact, I was probably a bit more gentle today with the kids because I was expecting to be cranky. I did feel tired towards the evening and opted not to cook, instead asking ex to get something for him and the kids for dinner. It smelled really nice, but I was strong and didn't indulge. My friend lived this way for about 4 or 5 months, while she lost weight on the Cohen's diet - no carbs, fat, sugar or dairy - only protein, fruit and veg. I don't know how she did it -and yes, she lost about 20 kilos.
I really want to see what happens to the allergy on my hands after I've detoxed. I'm hoping it will just gradually disappear, but we'll see. I only have this allergy here, in Malaysia. My hands itch and prickle and then look like I've gone over them with a grater. Everyone here has their own cure, but so far nothing has helped stop the attacks - except a strong steroid cream my sis-in-law gave me that she gets from Thailand for the same problem. My doctor says it's probably the water. My own opinion is that it's the stress manifesting itself physically. I used to think I was allergic to dish detergent, but now it's any cleaner that can set it off and sometimes, even if I haven't been cleaning, I'll still have an attack. So, here's hoping.
*
In other matters, ex's brother (the lawyer who lives locally) dropped by for a visit. He was actually picking up his youngest son who'd come over to our place to play with my kids. Ex doesn't talk to his brothers that much anymore. I guess they've tried to help him and it hasn't worked or ex has refused, so they've given up. The brother is a little worried about ex, saying that ex still had to find himself, find his niche in the world. He doesn't think having the office will help him but I get the sense that he doesn't really know what will. He talks a lot this guy. He's arrogant too and his son is even worse. They are not my favorite people but they are family and I know that if I got into any kind of trouble, I could call on him, so I'm always polite and try to listen to what he's saying.
Ex is enjoying his office. He's been there every day since he moved in and slept there on Saturday night after being called out for a drink and, having already taken xanax, found he was too out of it to drive home. I can't say anything, though I wish he'd be more careful. It's his life, his choice to make dumb decisions like that.
Anyway, my heads thumping, so I'm going to bed. Day 2 of detox coming up. I wonder if I'll be as strong as I was today.
Detox
For the first time ever, I'm going to do a detox program using a commercial product I bought from the pharmacy.
I'm going to feel unwell, tired, have a headache and go to the toilet a lot - or so they tell me.
I've been feeling tired for some time now, and just generally, I feel unhealthy. I've put on 5 kilos since I bragged about it sometime last year and my pants are getting tight. I often feel bloated and hungry even though I've just eaten. So I figure that I need to do something to help me break the carbs, sugar and coffee cycle that I'm sure has contributed to this feeling of unwellness.
I could do it by just cutting down and eating healthy things like fruit and veggies but I don't have the self discipline for that so I made myself spend RM159 for a weeks worth of a "specially formulated product containing lemon, probiotics and cleansing herbs" in the hope that it will motivate me to get off my fat arse and do something. I start tomorrow and finish next Saturday. The ad in the magazine says that this next 7 days will change my life. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I hope it does.
Here on the blog you unfortunate people will be able to read my rants and whinges as I keep a daily journal of what's happening (sans toilet details because that's just too much information, even for a private blog). I will log food eaten, emotions, physical symptoms and of course, any results that happen. Please note, I should not be held responsible for any shitty things I say here because you know, I'm not supposed to have coffee and these days, I get pretty shitty without my morning cuppa. I'm also dropping sugar and bread from my diet and I LOVE sugar and bread.
Hopefully by Saturday, I'll be writing about how bloody wonderful I'm feeling. We'll see. I'm generally skeptical about such products but I'm feeling a little desperate and this week ex gave me quite a bit of cash so I spent it on myself (and I took the kids to Malacca for a day and bought them a toy they didn't really need but loved to have!!). I'm also going to buy myself a stick blender so I can make pumpkin soup and not have to eat salad all week.
So wish me luck lovely friends. I shall report here tomorrow and every day after that and probably a few times more. I am also taking some time off teaching, so I'll have plenty of time to write. If I'm very toxic I'll be sick as a dog. If I'm not, I should sail through this week.
So, off to bed and here I go. :)
I'm going to feel unwell, tired, have a headache and go to the toilet a lot - or so they tell me.
I've been feeling tired for some time now, and just generally, I feel unhealthy. I've put on 5 kilos since I bragged about it sometime last year and my pants are getting tight. I often feel bloated and hungry even though I've just eaten. So I figure that I need to do something to help me break the carbs, sugar and coffee cycle that I'm sure has contributed to this feeling of unwellness.
I could do it by just cutting down and eating healthy things like fruit and veggies but I don't have the self discipline for that so I made myself spend RM159 for a weeks worth of a "specially formulated product containing lemon, probiotics and cleansing herbs" in the hope that it will motivate me to get off my fat arse and do something. I start tomorrow and finish next Saturday. The ad in the magazine says that this next 7 days will change my life. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I hope it does.
Here on the blog you unfortunate people will be able to read my rants and whinges as I keep a daily journal of what's happening (sans toilet details because that's just too much information, even for a private blog). I will log food eaten, emotions, physical symptoms and of course, any results that happen. Please note, I should not be held responsible for any shitty things I say here because you know, I'm not supposed to have coffee and these days, I get pretty shitty without my morning cuppa. I'm also dropping sugar and bread from my diet and I LOVE sugar and bread.
Hopefully by Saturday, I'll be writing about how bloody wonderful I'm feeling. We'll see. I'm generally skeptical about such products but I'm feeling a little desperate and this week ex gave me quite a bit of cash so I spent it on myself (and I took the kids to Malacca for a day and bought them a toy they didn't really need but loved to have!!). I'm also going to buy myself a stick blender so I can make pumpkin soup and not have to eat salad all week.
So wish me luck lovely friends. I shall report here tomorrow and every day after that and probably a few times more. I am also taking some time off teaching, so I'll have plenty of time to write. If I'm very toxic I'll be sick as a dog. If I'm not, I should sail through this week.
So, off to bed and here I go. :)
Friday, July 9, 2010
He's moved
So the day before yesterday, ex informs me that he has indeed found an office and he is there now, working in peace and quiet while we go about our daily lives.
The place he found is actually a great location, the first floor of a shop house, in a side street off the main road. Restaurants and coffee shops are close by and it's 5 minutes from the kids school. The plan is to drop him there in the mornings when I drive my girl to school and pick him up in the evenings after I pick up my son from his school session. In the meantime, I have the house to myself. I can go about my business without feeling guilty that my messiness and the sometimes fact that we leave on fans and lights after we've left the room will distract him.
But it is strange not having him here, after all it's been years since we've worked in different locations, even though I'm not technically working now. The feel is different. Perhaps the tension has gone and it's good not having to see him frown at whatever is stressing him out - or hum.
When something doesn't agree with him he starts up this inane humming to distract himself and it's usually a song that is completely lame and of course, it drives me crazy.
I think my son is relieved that he's got an office too. Ex was starting to come down on him really hard, getting him to do chores, study some extra Malay and not allowing him to whinge or cry (really hard for a sensitive 8 year old) and then giving him more work if he did. Now my boy can relax and concentrate on his homework or play or help me around the house without feeling the pressure of his father. Ex insists that our children must start to learn skills and while I agree, my method is much more gentle and I don't stress if they don't get it right. I just wait for the next time whereas ex will get them to do it over and that just makes the kids more uncooperative.
The other night I went out to teach followed by some supper with my friends. Half way through I got a phone call from my daughter who was crying so much I dropped everything and went back home to find her in tears with her school books wet. WTF? These were homework books that she was doing that night. It turned out that ex had scolded her for something and in the meantime, she had spilled a little bit of water on her books - but he didn't help her clean it up and she didn't know how to do it. She got so angry that she pushed the cup he was holding over onto his shirt and got him wet and then ran to hide in my room. He subsequently told her that he wouldn't help her now and she should ring me. He told me later that if he'd have had to deal with her he would have shouted at her and he didn't want to do that.
My kids don't like it when I go out just for this reason - he doesn't deal with their little problems and often expects them to do it themselves when they can't - or at least can't do it well. Ex thinks that daughter doesn't like to be at home without me because she told him that she thinks I won't come back, but I think it's more to do with issues like the above.
He has trouble dealing with the kids when they are naughty because... yes you got it, they remind him of ME and he feels like he's dealing with ME, so it's all about ME!
So the office is a very good idea, don't you think?
The place he found is actually a great location, the first floor of a shop house, in a side street off the main road. Restaurants and coffee shops are close by and it's 5 minutes from the kids school. The plan is to drop him there in the mornings when I drive my girl to school and pick him up in the evenings after I pick up my son from his school session. In the meantime, I have the house to myself. I can go about my business without feeling guilty that my messiness and the sometimes fact that we leave on fans and lights after we've left the room will distract him.
But it is strange not having him here, after all it's been years since we've worked in different locations, even though I'm not technically working now. The feel is different. Perhaps the tension has gone and it's good not having to see him frown at whatever is stressing him out - or hum.
When something doesn't agree with him he starts up this inane humming to distract himself and it's usually a song that is completely lame and of course, it drives me crazy.
I think my son is relieved that he's got an office too. Ex was starting to come down on him really hard, getting him to do chores, study some extra Malay and not allowing him to whinge or cry (really hard for a sensitive 8 year old) and then giving him more work if he did. Now my boy can relax and concentrate on his homework or play or help me around the house without feeling the pressure of his father. Ex insists that our children must start to learn skills and while I agree, my method is much more gentle and I don't stress if they don't get it right. I just wait for the next time whereas ex will get them to do it over and that just makes the kids more uncooperative.
The other night I went out to teach followed by some supper with my friends. Half way through I got a phone call from my daughter who was crying so much I dropped everything and went back home to find her in tears with her school books wet. WTF? These were homework books that she was doing that night. It turned out that ex had scolded her for something and in the meantime, she had spilled a little bit of water on her books - but he didn't help her clean it up and she didn't know how to do it. She got so angry that she pushed the cup he was holding over onto his shirt and got him wet and then ran to hide in my room. He subsequently told her that he wouldn't help her now and she should ring me. He told me later that if he'd have had to deal with her he would have shouted at her and he didn't want to do that.
My kids don't like it when I go out just for this reason - he doesn't deal with their little problems and often expects them to do it themselves when they can't - or at least can't do it well. Ex thinks that daughter doesn't like to be at home without me because she told him that she thinks I won't come back, but I think it's more to do with issues like the above.
He has trouble dealing with the kids when they are naughty because... yes you got it, they remind him of ME and he feels like he's dealing with ME, so it's all about ME!
So the office is a very good idea, don't you think?
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Sorry
I took down the last post because it referred to someone who may come along and read it and it felt like I was talking behind that person's back so I removed it. Sorry.
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