Saturday, up early to clean up and get ready for my English class. In it there are my two kids and four other kids who attend because I don't teach English in the standard way. The class goes for 3 hours and we speak, read, sing, write, read some more and play games. I'm using the 'immersion' method. Give English meaning, give them a reason to use it, put it in context and they will learn to speak. When they speak correctly, writing becomes easier. English, for Chinese educated children, is incredibly difficult to learn with all it's rules and exceptions. Just when you've taught a rule, an exception comes by. Take plurals - just add s right! No, only add 's' to some words. Other words need 'es' behind it and wait, there are some words that don't need 's' at all. And don't forget, don't pluralise verbs or adjectives, only nouns..... get it?
And guess what? You know the stereotype on tv where Chinese people can't pronounce their 'r' sounds? It's true. Not in English words anyway, because the Chinese langauge (Mandarin) has an 'r' sound in it. ie "ren" meaning person. But I'll never forget the day one of my students couldn't find his 'luler' and his 'lubber'. LOL. I almost cracked up on the spot. I have no manners!
So, Saturday afternoon saw me attending a meeting at the Autistic centre. The national funding for the centre ends in July, after that, we have to raise funds for everything ourselves. The thing that gets me is that there is still no proper equipement there. They don't even have a computer. There's no physio equipment, fridge, oven, no sensory equipment or electronic toys to stimulate them. The teachers there are doing a great job with next to nothing, but they'll need more. I wrote the text for their brochure this week so that they can hand it out to people who want to donate money. I hope it goes well. The chairman of the committee is ex's best friend, but a really nice guy. He's in printing, which is handy when we need stuff printed and laminated for the centre.
Saturday night spent at home, watching tv and doing some housework, playing with the kids, replying to the therapist.
Got up early Sunday and hell, took the kids for a swim. Ex came at the request of our daughter. He gets in the pool about once a year. I thought it would be nice and peaceful. It was nice but not peaceful. Every kid and his mum was there, including some students from my English class at the centre where I teach. Boy, wasn't I glad to see them while I was standing there in my faded, tummy tuck bathers! I'd be swimming with the kids and and I'd hear another one calling "Teacher Jo" from somewhere. Sheesh. I told them not to tell the others. I don't think that will work.
Back at home later, another jam, bread and tea breakdfast eaten, I cleaned the drain outside and had to clean up 'rat crap' from around the outside sink. Yuk. I didn't realise it was so putrid out there because I rarely venture outside my back door. I prefer going out the front door, getting in the car and going somwhere else. :)
So here I sit, contemplating whether to take the kids to see their cousins or their grandmother. They are happy at home though, practicing their piano with ex who has lately taken to spending more time with them.
No moods this week, I think I'm at four weeks and counting which has to be some kind of record, but I'll read back and see. I forget these things. If I start thinking, lamenting or having fights in my head with him, I make a huge effort to stop. Listening to music helps, especially when I'm doing dishes or washing clothes. For some reason, probably because they're mindless tasks, doing these two things always sets my mind running of in some useless, destructive direction. So music is the key here, at least it fills my head with something a bit nicer.
Ex and I aren't really saying much beyond the superficial talk that two people need to do to be able to live in the same house. It IS better this way, though it still feels strange not having long, drawn out talks with him. Yesterday I found myself going in and out of his room asking him this and that and wishing and wanting to talk with him. I let it pass. I want and need to talk to him about money - I lent him 2.5 k last year and I want it back because I need to use it to buy our tickets home. I hate talking about money with him because I want to know everything (about where all that money we had went and how is making an income now) and I know he won't tell me. I have to let it go. So I'll have to wait before I talk to him. Maybe in a few weeks.
Anyway, time for tea. Mr Scorpio, your dinner with my folks sounded lovely. I'm so glad they have you and your lovely wife as friends.
Cheers
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Days
The day started with a walk by the river with friends - all two of them. By 9am, we were hot and sweaty, even though we'd walked most of the way in the shade. Back at our cars, we had to fight off the temptation to go and have 'roti canai' for breakfast in a kampung (village) 10 minutes away. Too many calories.
Back at home, I had my favourite breakfast - fruit, then wholemeal bread with good quality, sugarless jam and a cup of tea - all while reading the Age online. Nice way to start the day. After that, still in my sweats, I cleaned the floors, kitchen and then did some more reading and writing for the therapist. Daughter was sick, fever and fatigue. Didn't want her going to school in this hot, hot, humid weather. A student of mine came to class with a temperature on Monday and promptly spent the next 2 days in hospital being rehydrated. No thanks, I'll look after my sick kids myself. Son went off to school with no problems and I went to (finally) pay a visit to the autistic centre. Half the kids were off sick, one had been frightened away by a dark cloud (another story) and one of the teachers had gone to KL for a meeting. So not much to do there. Back home to spend time with my daughter and finish of my reply to the therapist. Daughter and I talked, with some of the conversation touching on what may happen if we move back to Australia.
She asks what she always asks - is Papa coming too, cos I'm not going without Papa? I said I don't know and nobody is making any decisions yet. We will have to see. I never know where to go in these conversations. I don't intentionally bring it up, but nevertheless, it eventually comes up in some context or other.
The rest of the afternoon was spent planning the English class for the nighttime. Theme - thieves and burglars. Sequence the words in a sentence, write a story using the vocab you've learned.
Dinner - atlantic salmon steaks, chips and salad. One of our favourite meals and one of the few times we get to eat potatoes! It was nice.
Class at 8.30. Classroom so hot because of the weather. At least 32 degrees in there, along with 16 kids and two teachers, it became so unbearable, we moved them to the reception area.
10.30 back at home, ex makes milo for supper, kids are showered. Always a good thing.
11.30. Supper finished, time for bed and wait, no sorry, time for allergies (daughter) and a blood nose (son). It was a heavy one, probably brought on by the heat. Took half an hour to stop and now he's sleeping in my bed in case it starts again. I found him once in his own bed, asleep with a blood nose. Poor kid and oh, the smell of blood. I'll never forget that smell.
12.20 So to bed for me now. Must get my mobile phone for my alarm as to sleep in tomorrow would mean I'd have to face my English students in my pyjamas. Not good.
So night all. Almost two weeks and counting - counting what you say? Counting moods and spirals. I haven't had one for two weeks. Life is OK.
Back at home, I had my favourite breakfast - fruit, then wholemeal bread with good quality, sugarless jam and a cup of tea - all while reading the Age online. Nice way to start the day. After that, still in my sweats, I cleaned the floors, kitchen and then did some more reading and writing for the therapist. Daughter was sick, fever and fatigue. Didn't want her going to school in this hot, hot, humid weather. A student of mine came to class with a temperature on Monday and promptly spent the next 2 days in hospital being rehydrated. No thanks, I'll look after my sick kids myself. Son went off to school with no problems and I went to (finally) pay a visit to the autistic centre. Half the kids were off sick, one had been frightened away by a dark cloud (another story) and one of the teachers had gone to KL for a meeting. So not much to do there. Back home to spend time with my daughter and finish of my reply to the therapist. Daughter and I talked, with some of the conversation touching on what may happen if we move back to Australia.
She asks what she always asks - is Papa coming too, cos I'm not going without Papa? I said I don't know and nobody is making any decisions yet. We will have to see. I never know where to go in these conversations. I don't intentionally bring it up, but nevertheless, it eventually comes up in some context or other.
The rest of the afternoon was spent planning the English class for the nighttime. Theme - thieves and burglars. Sequence the words in a sentence, write a story using the vocab you've learned.
Dinner - atlantic salmon steaks, chips and salad. One of our favourite meals and one of the few times we get to eat potatoes! It was nice.
Class at 8.30. Classroom so hot because of the weather. At least 32 degrees in there, along with 16 kids and two teachers, it became so unbearable, we moved them to the reception area.
10.30 back at home, ex makes milo for supper, kids are showered. Always a good thing.
11.30. Supper finished, time for bed and wait, no sorry, time for allergies (daughter) and a blood nose (son). It was a heavy one, probably brought on by the heat. Took half an hour to stop and now he's sleeping in my bed in case it starts again. I found him once in his own bed, asleep with a blood nose. Poor kid and oh, the smell of blood. I'll never forget that smell.
12.20 So to bed for me now. Must get my mobile phone for my alarm as to sleep in tomorrow would mean I'd have to face my English students in my pyjamas. Not good.
So night all. Almost two weeks and counting - counting what you say? Counting moods and spirals. I haven't had one for two weeks. Life is OK.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Up and up (again)
So, we're on the up again. The therapy has officially started. Basically, her advice to me was that for my own mental health, I should try to leave. Now what surprised me was my reaction - I had an anxiety attack. I couldn't believe it. A trained professional tells me what I already know to be the best way and that's how I react? Well, once I'd gotten over that, I told her what I tell myself every time I'm spiraling. I can't leave and and I can't make arbitrary decisions when I'm feeling fragile. Just don't do it. Even though I'm feeling good, I know I'm not out of the woods yet. It's funny though, when I'm feeling good, I never imagine that I'm going to spiral again. Hmmm.
However, the feeling of being validated has been enough to spur me on. She asked to me really see where the damage is coming from and even if what ex says is true, a good partner would have done things differently. I AM not the only one at fault here and I don't need to believe that all of our problems are because of me. OK, then, lets get on with life.
This morning started with a bout of exercise. I tried jogging and soon found myself to be a panting, sweating mess. I'm so unfit, but if I at least walk, I should get some of it back. My fitness I mean. I was a fairly fit teenager and never really had to work at staying fit. But these days, in my 40's, that's becoming a different story. I do still miss my Pilates classes. Pilates is great for your whole body, especially your back. When we were living in Portsea, I attended a boutique gym with Pilates equipment. The instructor was a ripped young man of 26 with a personable nature and he got me to do Pilates moves I never thought I'd be able to do. I do miss him too, as well as the exercise.
So now it's lunch. My son hates rice and wants mushroom soup instead. I think I'll have a bowl of cereal. My weight has gone up a little so something wholegrain and low fat for me. Ex hasn't been well, so i don't know what he's having. He's in a good mood today so I'll try to reinforce by being 'happy'.
Later I've got one student coming for two hours, then pasta and meatballs for dinner and English class tonight. My three students are going well. The most autistic one is coming out of her shell and participating and looking at me a lot more. She's interacting and smiling which is lovely to see. The little boy is now WRITING letters and I've begun teaching him to read and spell. The older one, who attends regular school in grade one (what a surprise she was for her teachers!) has just achieved all A's on her exams. Her mum is so proud of her, as am I.
So things are looking up. I do wonder how long it will last, but for the time being I'm happy to accept where I am and make the most of it. Have a nice day too all of you.
Man, it's hot here. Bring on the thunderstorms.
However, the feeling of being validated has been enough to spur me on. She asked to me really see where the damage is coming from and even if what ex says is true, a good partner would have done things differently. I AM not the only one at fault here and I don't need to believe that all of our problems are because of me. OK, then, lets get on with life.
This morning started with a bout of exercise. I tried jogging and soon found myself to be a panting, sweating mess. I'm so unfit, but if I at least walk, I should get some of it back. My fitness I mean. I was a fairly fit teenager and never really had to work at staying fit. But these days, in my 40's, that's becoming a different story. I do still miss my Pilates classes. Pilates is great for your whole body, especially your back. When we were living in Portsea, I attended a boutique gym with Pilates equipment. The instructor was a ripped young man of 26 with a personable nature and he got me to do Pilates moves I never thought I'd be able to do. I do miss him too, as well as the exercise.
So now it's lunch. My son hates rice and wants mushroom soup instead. I think I'll have a bowl of cereal. My weight has gone up a little so something wholegrain and low fat for me. Ex hasn't been well, so i don't know what he's having. He's in a good mood today so I'll try to reinforce by being 'happy'.
Later I've got one student coming for two hours, then pasta and meatballs for dinner and English class tonight. My three students are going well. The most autistic one is coming out of her shell and participating and looking at me a lot more. She's interacting and smiling which is lovely to see. The little boy is now WRITING letters and I've begun teaching him to read and spell. The older one, who attends regular school in grade one (what a surprise she was for her teachers!) has just achieved all A's on her exams. Her mum is so proud of her, as am I.
So things are looking up. I do wonder how long it will last, but for the time being I'm happy to accept where I am and make the most of it. Have a nice day too all of you.
Man, it's hot here. Bring on the thunderstorms.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
coming to terms
I'm gonna look back one day and know I tried absolutely everything I knew to keep my family together. Ex wouldn't agree, but I'm beyond caring about what he thinks now. I know I tried and now I have to try to move on with my own life. I know I've said that before and been unable to do it. I don't think I'll truly move on until I'm away from him, back home. It's hard to get him out of my system because I DO have good memories of him and to accept that he has moved on is just. too. hard. And I don't want a life here. I want a life back home, with my kids, with my family. I DID NOT sign up for a life here. But then again, maybe I did when I agreed to come here in the first place.
Coming to terms with what has happened in our lives is really difficult. I never would have predicted that my life would turn out this way - that our relationship would end so horribly. I'm sure he didn't either. I often think, why can't we fix it? But we're not machines, we're people with emotions, biases, baggage and lots of other shit. It can't be done.
Ex came back yesterday from Indonesia. That's where he goes. That's where she is (I think). He says he also does business there. He'd told me about that when he called and I, absent-mindedly, asked him why he had to stay another night - and he told me he had a business meeting the next day. After he left, it took me a day to quell the storm of feelings inside. He'd asked me before he left, would I be OK? What was I supposed to say? No, I'm not OK, because I've tried so hard and now you hate me and want to be with someone else! And what kind of a father are you anyway, when you stay in your room all day and then go away for a week. Just leave us alone!
Of course I didn't say all that. I just said yep. No choice there. What was he going to do? Not go? I don't think so. I hate it when he asks me questions when there is no choice. I want to push his buttons next time and say no, I'm not OK. I won't.
I've signed up for some online counselling sessions with a therapist from Geelong. I need it, I need help. I hope she can help me because I can't do it alone anymore. I have to make sure I try to give her both sides, if I can, so that she can understand how to help me better. I don't know if it will help, but I hope so.
I've stopped going to the autistic centre for the moment because I just can't face them. They think I'm competent and strong, I guess I don't want to disappoint them. I'm devoid of ideas right now and that's what I'm supposed to do for them, guide their program with my brilliant educated ideas. I'll go see them at the end of the week though, just to check in. I'm still teaching English at night, still having my students during the day. I still go out with my friends occasionally, but most of my life takes place in this house here. I've been spending a lot of time in my room. I just don't want to go out and be a part of Malaysian life, but I'm hoping counselling can help with that one.
I did take the kids for a walk this morning. They'd finished their homework last night so had the morning free, so we went down by the river. Walking along there was nice, it was mid-morning, not too hot, but then suddenly I realised how vulnerable and alone we were, so we finished the walk quickly, with the kids being totally unaware of what I was thinking. I didn't want to panic them and of course, just because I felt vulnerable, doesn't mean we were in any immediate danger. I don't think we were, but I was mindful of the young malay/indonesian men across the river and it occured to me that if they wanted to, they could have caused trouble. They were across the river, but it got me thinking. If we walk tomorrow, it will be nearby here, where I feel safer.
I still cook, clean and get the washing done. I wish I'd do more, but I don't. I'm tired, so I save my energy for when the kids come home. Then I cook for them, help them, care for them and coach their homework. Then I go to bed or go to my room. It's the place I feel safest. Not that I'm in any danger, I'm not, I just feel more comfortable here.
When the kids are asleep, after their stories and nighttime routine is done, I come to my room to read or write or browse or sleep. Sleep comes fairly easily, thank goodness, cos the last thing I need are sleepless nights. Dreams are few and far between.
Well, time to cook. And distract this rampant mind of mine with a little music. I'm quite mainstream when it comes to music. At the moment I listen to David Cook, of American Idol - 7 fame who has since released an album which I bought from iTunes. It's the only season I've followed, but I'm glad I caught that one. I love it.
Anyway, really time to cook...
Coming to terms with what has happened in our lives is really difficult. I never would have predicted that my life would turn out this way - that our relationship would end so horribly. I'm sure he didn't either. I often think, why can't we fix it? But we're not machines, we're people with emotions, biases, baggage and lots of other shit. It can't be done.
Ex came back yesterday from Indonesia. That's where he goes. That's where she is (I think). He says he also does business there. He'd told me about that when he called and I, absent-mindedly, asked him why he had to stay another night - and he told me he had a business meeting the next day. After he left, it took me a day to quell the storm of feelings inside. He'd asked me before he left, would I be OK? What was I supposed to say? No, I'm not OK, because I've tried so hard and now you hate me and want to be with someone else! And what kind of a father are you anyway, when you stay in your room all day and then go away for a week. Just leave us alone!
Of course I didn't say all that. I just said yep. No choice there. What was he going to do? Not go? I don't think so. I hate it when he asks me questions when there is no choice. I want to push his buttons next time and say no, I'm not OK. I won't.
I've signed up for some online counselling sessions with a therapist from Geelong. I need it, I need help. I hope she can help me because I can't do it alone anymore. I have to make sure I try to give her both sides, if I can, so that she can understand how to help me better. I don't know if it will help, but I hope so.
I've stopped going to the autistic centre for the moment because I just can't face them. They think I'm competent and strong, I guess I don't want to disappoint them. I'm devoid of ideas right now and that's what I'm supposed to do for them, guide their program with my brilliant educated ideas. I'll go see them at the end of the week though, just to check in. I'm still teaching English at night, still having my students during the day. I still go out with my friends occasionally, but most of my life takes place in this house here. I've been spending a lot of time in my room. I just don't want to go out and be a part of Malaysian life, but I'm hoping counselling can help with that one.
I did take the kids for a walk this morning. They'd finished their homework last night so had the morning free, so we went down by the river. Walking along there was nice, it was mid-morning, not too hot, but then suddenly I realised how vulnerable and alone we were, so we finished the walk quickly, with the kids being totally unaware of what I was thinking. I didn't want to panic them and of course, just because I felt vulnerable, doesn't mean we were in any immediate danger. I don't think we were, but I was mindful of the young malay/indonesian men across the river and it occured to me that if they wanted to, they could have caused trouble. They were across the river, but it got me thinking. If we walk tomorrow, it will be nearby here, where I feel safer.
I still cook, clean and get the washing done. I wish I'd do more, but I don't. I'm tired, so I save my energy for when the kids come home. Then I cook for them, help them, care for them and coach their homework. Then I go to bed or go to my room. It's the place I feel safest. Not that I'm in any danger, I'm not, I just feel more comfortable here.
When the kids are asleep, after their stories and nighttime routine is done, I come to my room to read or write or browse or sleep. Sleep comes fairly easily, thank goodness, cos the last thing I need are sleepless nights. Dreams are few and far between.
Well, time to cook. And distract this rampant mind of mine with a little music. I'm quite mainstream when it comes to music. At the moment I listen to David Cook, of American Idol - 7 fame who has since released an album which I bought from iTunes. It's the only season I've followed, but I'm glad I caught that one. I love it.
Anyway, really time to cook...
Sunday, April 19, 2009
random thoughts
So here I sit, Sunday afternoon, kids at a friends birthday (first time for my son, ever) and ex still out of town, til tomorrow. I want to tell him not to come back, but I won't and he will (come back). The first two days after he left, I was a bit of a mess, to put it mildly. But now I'm OK.
I took the kids to Malacca for shopping this morning and got back in time to drop them at their friends place for the party. There were no dramas while we were out - we shopped, we ate, we shopped a little more, we left and got home safely. Not bad, given malacca is an hour and a half away. The house is clean, I am comfortable and at ease with myself. I don't need company. I feel stable and solid, though I don't know how long it will last.
A friend emailed me yesterday and told me not to put myself down. She said once it's on paper it becomes more real and you start to believe it. I'd told her in a previous email that I wasn't good enough for ex - I was talking about his point of view, but she's right. I shouldn't say those things about myself. She suggested saying instead, we just weren't right for each other or words to that effect. So I'll say that.
I got photos from home yesterday. Pictures of my niece doing her Debutante Ball thing. She looked stunning, as young girls of 16 are apt to do. She is beautiful. My favourite photo was the one of her with her Dad behind her cheering her on, looking very proud. He looks happy, so does she which makes me happy, cos they've travelled a bit of a rocky road in the not too distant past. I wish I'd been there to see her. I hate missing them growing up.
I'm thinking about signing up for online therapy. I can't get through this by myself and though blogging and friends have helped, the roller coaster I'm on is unsustainable. I need help. I don't know what my breaking point is but I don't really want to go there. It would be messy.
I fit into my smaller clothes now. You think it would make me happy, but while I'm pleased that I can wear clothes that have been hanging in the cupbaord for 3 years, I'm not ecstatic. My sister in law complimented me on the weight loss and then asked, with a happily expectant tone, whether ex had noticed and was he pleased. Who gives a fuck? I rolled my eyes and told her quietly and firmly that ex and I are over and I don't really care what he thinks (though I probably do) and that I am my own person and I don't need him to notice me or the things I do - I was feeling strong that day.
My other sister in law, has had a makeover. She's lost weight, had her hair changed and had some plastic surgery done on her eyes to make 'double eyelids' like we western people have. She's said she's always wanted them done and that her brother and sister have them naturally, but she missed out on that gene. I liked her eyes before. It doesn't matter though, she's still nice, though I hardly see her. Our kids don't get on that well so we don't go there and they don't come here.
Come to think of it, nobody comes here really, save for ex's mum and that's only occasionally. I don't mind though, it's too much stress and I know people feel uncomfortable here.
Ex was supposed to be home today but called from where ever to say he's got business to take care of tomorrow. Whatever. He'll be home and we'll both be back walking on eggshells.
So ho-hum, time to get something to eat.
Cheers
I took the kids to Malacca for shopping this morning and got back in time to drop them at their friends place for the party. There were no dramas while we were out - we shopped, we ate, we shopped a little more, we left and got home safely. Not bad, given malacca is an hour and a half away. The house is clean, I am comfortable and at ease with myself. I don't need company. I feel stable and solid, though I don't know how long it will last.
A friend emailed me yesterday and told me not to put myself down. She said once it's on paper it becomes more real and you start to believe it. I'd told her in a previous email that I wasn't good enough for ex - I was talking about his point of view, but she's right. I shouldn't say those things about myself. She suggested saying instead, we just weren't right for each other or words to that effect. So I'll say that.
I got photos from home yesterday. Pictures of my niece doing her Debutante Ball thing. She looked stunning, as young girls of 16 are apt to do. She is beautiful. My favourite photo was the one of her with her Dad behind her cheering her on, looking very proud. He looks happy, so does she which makes me happy, cos they've travelled a bit of a rocky road in the not too distant past. I wish I'd been there to see her. I hate missing them growing up.
I'm thinking about signing up for online therapy. I can't get through this by myself and though blogging and friends have helped, the roller coaster I'm on is unsustainable. I need help. I don't know what my breaking point is but I don't really want to go there. It would be messy.
I fit into my smaller clothes now. You think it would make me happy, but while I'm pleased that I can wear clothes that have been hanging in the cupbaord for 3 years, I'm not ecstatic. My sister in law complimented me on the weight loss and then asked, with a happily expectant tone, whether ex had noticed and was he pleased. Who gives a fuck? I rolled my eyes and told her quietly and firmly that ex and I are over and I don't really care what he thinks (though I probably do) and that I am my own person and I don't need him to notice me or the things I do - I was feeling strong that day.
My other sister in law, has had a makeover. She's lost weight, had her hair changed and had some plastic surgery done on her eyes to make 'double eyelids' like we western people have. She's said she's always wanted them done and that her brother and sister have them naturally, but she missed out on that gene. I liked her eyes before. It doesn't matter though, she's still nice, though I hardly see her. Our kids don't get on that well so we don't go there and they don't come here.
Come to think of it, nobody comes here really, save for ex's mum and that's only occasionally. I don't mind though, it's too much stress and I know people feel uncomfortable here.
Ex was supposed to be home today but called from where ever to say he's got business to take care of tomorrow. Whatever. He'll be home and we'll both be back walking on eggshells.
So ho-hum, time to get something to eat.
Cheers
Friday, April 17, 2009
Just doing... better
This afternoon was a really harrowing one. I'm glad the kids were at school, not that I said or did much. There's no-one here so it was just me. I've gone from the bottom of the spiral to midway and back again to the bottom. Now I'm at midway - doing OK, no anger but conscious that I'm mentally fragile. If ex walked through the door right now I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye. Shameful feelings of mistrust and resentment. You can't be decent to someone when you feel that way about them. And I do, no doubt about it. While I think he's got a brilliant mind, he's a good father and a very generous person, I don't trust him and I resent him for 'keeping us here'. Of course, I'm free to leave whenever I like, but with only one child. So I can't.
However, I did pull myself of my arse and get some things done. My anger was taken out on floors which are now vacuumed and mopped, then I distracted myself by preparing for tonights English class. I want to drop this particular class. My friend has asked me to teach these 11 and 12 year olds creative writing, but they're not interested, they find it difficult, and it's a really hard slog for everyone, me included. And I'm wary of letting her down whenever I meltdown. I want to let it go before she has to let me go.
Lastly, I checked out the qantas specials, fly to Melbourne from Singapore from just $579. The problem is that doesn't include a return trip and the taxes haven't been added. I'm looking at booking my tickets for Christmas soon. So far, Singapore Airlines is the winner. Direct flight to Melb and back (from Singapore) for me and 2 kids for AUD2631 or thereabouts. Not a bad price, considering Malaysian Airlines $600 more and the food stinks. QANTAS is next, with AUD2832, but their safety record hasn't been that great lately, so I don't know. My last trip with QANTAS though was fantastic. Lovely peaceful flight and pretty good food and entertainment. My last option is Jetstar who can take me to Melb, via Darwin for just AUD1995. However, we'd spend 16 hours of travelling each way because of the 4 hour stopover in Darwin (at 4.30 am in the morning) and the price doesn't include luggage and meals.
One good thing, to ex's credit. When I talked about going back home for Christmas the other day, he didn't bat an eyelid. He just said yes, OK, and offered to pay for half the kids tickets. I'm very aware that he could have said no, you're not taking two.
However, I did pull myself of my arse and get some things done. My anger was taken out on floors which are now vacuumed and mopped, then I distracted myself by preparing for tonights English class. I want to drop this particular class. My friend has asked me to teach these 11 and 12 year olds creative writing, but they're not interested, they find it difficult, and it's a really hard slog for everyone, me included. And I'm wary of letting her down whenever I meltdown. I want to let it go before she has to let me go.
Lastly, I checked out the qantas specials, fly to Melbourne from Singapore from just $579. The problem is that doesn't include a return trip and the taxes haven't been added. I'm looking at booking my tickets for Christmas soon. So far, Singapore Airlines is the winner. Direct flight to Melb and back (from Singapore) for me and 2 kids for AUD2631 or thereabouts. Not a bad price, considering Malaysian Airlines $600 more and the food stinks. QANTAS is next, with AUD2832, but their safety record hasn't been that great lately, so I don't know. My last trip with QANTAS though was fantastic. Lovely peaceful flight and pretty good food and entertainment. My last option is Jetstar who can take me to Melb, via Darwin for just AUD1995. However, we'd spend 16 hours of travelling each way because of the 4 hour stopover in Darwin (at 4.30 am in the morning) and the price doesn't include luggage and meals.
One good thing, to ex's credit. When I talked about going back home for Christmas the other day, he didn't bat an eyelid. He just said yes, OK, and offered to pay for half the kids tickets. I'm very aware that he could have said no, you're not taking two.
Sinking... and not.
I don't think I can do this. Stay here I mean. I wonder if I can. I wonder where my breaking point is. I know I said I'd be positive, but this is what I do. Make stupid statements and don't follow through with it. It's what I did with ex. I'll change, I said, but I never did. I'm not changed. I'm still the same dysfunctional, broken person I always was.
Everyday I wake up and think OK, I'll make this a positive day. And I never do. Horrible angry thoughts run through my head and resentment at being trapped here runs though every organ. My heart is sinking and I can't bring it up.
I know the trigger. He is away, living another life with someone else (just for a few days, mind) and I am stuck here, holding the fort and doing the washing, his washing, and cooking and getting the kids to do their homework, everyday and every night and wanting them to go to school in Australia because there, the education is better and my kids won't need to be stressed about beatings and 'memory dictation' and getting homework completed.
I could book tickets today for a sunday flight. Pack a bag, charter a taxi and get the hell out of here. But I know I won't. Too weak. Too angry, I can't make major decisions when I'm feeling like this.
I just need to let it pass. As I finish writing this (2 hours later), I'm already feeling differently. The feelings are not so intense, I have no urge to book tickets and leave. I know this will pass and when ex is back again, I hope I will have pulled myself together so that he doesn't know about the harrowing feelings I've been having. There's just no way I could tell him and anyway, he's no longer interested in how I feel. But I can't afford another meltdown. I just can't.
For now, this is my lot. I have to accept it or risk damaging the family in a way that can't be undone. I need to remind myself again and again and again, just why I am doing this. I just wonder about the effects it will have later, when all of this is past. Will I be stronger, will my kids be OK, will ex change his mind about giving the kids a say in where they want to be and who they want to live with, will I ever dare to have another relationship, will I ever trust my own judgement again? All questions with no answers, questions I know I shouldn't even be thinking about. I should be living in the now, the present so that I can take care of the kids and be a good mum to them. I can't be thinking of myself when they are here, so innocent, stuck in a situation over which they have no control.
Ex always said that no matter what, I'd always do just what I wanted and I'd take the family down with me. He says that for me, I am the only one that counts and no -one else matters. I hope I can prove him wrong. But even if I'm stable and strong, just the fact that I want to go back and give the kids the kind of life they deserve, is enough for him to say that I'm just thinking of myself.
If that was true, I wouldn't be here, not in a million years.
Everyday I wake up and think OK, I'll make this a positive day. And I never do. Horrible angry thoughts run through my head and resentment at being trapped here runs though every organ. My heart is sinking and I can't bring it up.
I know the trigger. He is away, living another life with someone else (just for a few days, mind) and I am stuck here, holding the fort and doing the washing, his washing, and cooking and getting the kids to do their homework, everyday and every night and wanting them to go to school in Australia because there, the education is better and my kids won't need to be stressed about beatings and 'memory dictation' and getting homework completed.
I could book tickets today for a sunday flight. Pack a bag, charter a taxi and get the hell out of here. But I know I won't. Too weak. Too angry, I can't make major decisions when I'm feeling like this.
I just need to let it pass. As I finish writing this (2 hours later), I'm already feeling differently. The feelings are not so intense, I have no urge to book tickets and leave. I know this will pass and when ex is back again, I hope I will have pulled myself together so that he doesn't know about the harrowing feelings I've been having. There's just no way I could tell him and anyway, he's no longer interested in how I feel. But I can't afford another meltdown. I just can't.
For now, this is my lot. I have to accept it or risk damaging the family in a way that can't be undone. I need to remind myself again and again and again, just why I am doing this. I just wonder about the effects it will have later, when all of this is past. Will I be stronger, will my kids be OK, will ex change his mind about giving the kids a say in where they want to be and who they want to live with, will I ever dare to have another relationship, will I ever trust my own judgement again? All questions with no answers, questions I know I shouldn't even be thinking about. I should be living in the now, the present so that I can take care of the kids and be a good mum to them. I can't be thinking of myself when they are here, so innocent, stuck in a situation over which they have no control.
Ex always said that no matter what, I'd always do just what I wanted and I'd take the family down with me. He says that for me, I am the only one that counts and no -one else matters. I hope I can prove him wrong. But even if I'm stable and strong, just the fact that I want to go back and give the kids the kind of life they deserve, is enough for him to say that I'm just thinking of myself.
If that was true, I wouldn't be here, not in a million years.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Letting him talk
The past week has been mixed. For 2 or so days J and I weren't talking because we'd had a 'thing' over our son being slow. Our son is physically slow when he's doing things and so it takes him forever to do a task. On top of that, he's really un-coordinated. For instance, he can't toss a ball in the air and catch it again because he ends up throwing it backwards over his head, he doesn't run well (though he skips beautifully), and a bat and ball, forget it. It doesn't matter to me, but I do want him to be able to catch and throw like other kids, so that he feels like he's competent and doesn't get teased.
J keeps telling him how slow he is and my alarm bells are going off because I think it's going to impact his self-esteem - he already has trouble with a number of other things. So I said something like "we know, we know he's slow". I meant to say it under my breath but didn't and J heard it and took it to heart saying that he couldn't even say things in his own house. "No, you can't say those types of things, not when he can hear you" I wanted to scream to him, but didn't of course.
So that set the mood of avoidance and curt words for the next couple of days until the tension got too much and I had to say something. Something like we can't survive like this, our daughter is starting to notice the tension, she's asking me why you're frustrated with me and we can't do this thing we've set out to do if you're going to stay in your room and we're all out here.
Talk, talk talk and he said he'd 'let it go' and then said something about "I knew we shouldn't have gone to Kluang (where we'd gone for old souls day), I knew I'd pay for it in the end. I had no idea what he was talking about and he wouldn't explain it, instead saying forget it, it had nothing to do with Kluang.
Then the penny dropped. We'd had a good day in Kluang and now because something good had happened, something bad HAD to happen. That's the way he sees the events in our lives happening. Everytime we achieve something good, I do something to bring us down. If we're happy, I sabotage it by having a mood swing and we get brought down again. I don't ever link things like this, but he does. It's how he has experienced us I guess. I compartmentalise things, but he links them all together in one big string.
So, in essence, in the past and the present, he's wary of good things happening because HE KNOWS something bad will come after - it's the price he and we, all pay for having good things occur.
What he said: every time something good happens, something bad will follow. Whenever I'm up you pull me down, whether you mean to or not. If I'm happy and strong, you're depressed and weak. You pull us down to your level and we never get to stay happy. Now if we do something together, afterwards you'll let your guard down and do something that will pull us down (insensitive comment, mood swing etc) so we end up where we are now, not wanting to do anything with you because I know I'll have to pay later. The things we do together are getting even less and I feel like I'm living in a small box, which gets smaller everytime something like this happens.
That's his reasoning, right or wrong. I don't care whether it's true or not, I just want to do my best to break this cycle. That way at least he will have some confidence to do things together as a family without thinking that it won't be worth it because there's a price to pay.
I understand, I know what I have to do. I have to and want to, stay positive so that he can come out of the box. I can't put him down or be negative, at all, even if I'm not happy. I just want to make things right. I heard from his mum today that he was very happy when I was all positive and doings things with a happy spirit (remember those posts - ahhh, to be back there). That's my goal. To get back up there and change my negative state of mind once and for all.
Only then will I know what's possible. Positive thinking has only served us well.
Now I know I've been going on about positive thinking, but I need to remind myself, otherwise I'll never change. Bad habits are hard to break and negative thinking is just a bad habit I need to break.
Happy, happy, happy.
Cheers
J keeps telling him how slow he is and my alarm bells are going off because I think it's going to impact his self-esteem - he already has trouble with a number of other things. So I said something like "we know, we know he's slow". I meant to say it under my breath but didn't and J heard it and took it to heart saying that he couldn't even say things in his own house. "No, you can't say those types of things, not when he can hear you" I wanted to scream to him, but didn't of course.
So that set the mood of avoidance and curt words for the next couple of days until the tension got too much and I had to say something. Something like we can't survive like this, our daughter is starting to notice the tension, she's asking me why you're frustrated with me and we can't do this thing we've set out to do if you're going to stay in your room and we're all out here.
Talk, talk talk and he said he'd 'let it go' and then said something about "I knew we shouldn't have gone to Kluang (where we'd gone for old souls day), I knew I'd pay for it in the end. I had no idea what he was talking about and he wouldn't explain it, instead saying forget it, it had nothing to do with Kluang.
Then the penny dropped. We'd had a good day in Kluang and now because something good had happened, something bad HAD to happen. That's the way he sees the events in our lives happening. Everytime we achieve something good, I do something to bring us down. If we're happy, I sabotage it by having a mood swing and we get brought down again. I don't ever link things like this, but he does. It's how he has experienced us I guess. I compartmentalise things, but he links them all together in one big string.
So, in essence, in the past and the present, he's wary of good things happening because HE KNOWS something bad will come after - it's the price he and we, all pay for having good things occur.
What he said: every time something good happens, something bad will follow. Whenever I'm up you pull me down, whether you mean to or not. If I'm happy and strong, you're depressed and weak. You pull us down to your level and we never get to stay happy. Now if we do something together, afterwards you'll let your guard down and do something that will pull us down (insensitive comment, mood swing etc) so we end up where we are now, not wanting to do anything with you because I know I'll have to pay later. The things we do together are getting even less and I feel like I'm living in a small box, which gets smaller everytime something like this happens.
That's his reasoning, right or wrong. I don't care whether it's true or not, I just want to do my best to break this cycle. That way at least he will have some confidence to do things together as a family without thinking that it won't be worth it because there's a price to pay.
I understand, I know what I have to do. I have to and want to, stay positive so that he can come out of the box. I can't put him down or be negative, at all, even if I'm not happy. I just want to make things right. I heard from his mum today that he was very happy when I was all positive and doings things with a happy spirit (remember those posts - ahhh, to be back there). That's my goal. To get back up there and change my negative state of mind once and for all.
Only then will I know what's possible. Positive thinking has only served us well.
Now I know I've been going on about positive thinking, but I need to remind myself, otherwise I'll never change. Bad habits are hard to break and negative thinking is just a bad habit I need to break.
Happy, happy, happy.
Cheers
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Some Easter context
For those not in my family, let me tell you about our Easter, so that you can understand what Mr Scorpio is talking about.
Our family is from Holland, well mum and dad are, and Mr Scorpio is an old friend (and I do mean old as well as long-standing) of mum and dad's and he and his wife come along to our family celebrations each year. They're good company, they bring their own beer and wine and we all have a good laugh.
So being Dutch, we have a tradition of colouring hard-boiled eggs on the Saturday night before Easter Sunday. It's all about the kids really. Mum usually boils 3 dozen eggs and that night we sit down with markers, crayons and pots of food dye and let our creative skills go wild. It's messy, but it's lots of fun.
The next morning, "Easter bunny" hides all the eggs in the yard, along with some chocolate goodies and the young kids go on an Easter egg hunt. This year, I think Mr. Scorpio joined in though. It's fun for the kids and sometimes it's really hard to find them all. I think we had one year when the dog dug one up 3 months later!!
After all the eggs have been found, the competition ensues. Each persons takes a hard boiled egg and holds it in such a way that it sits in the palm of the hand with the thumb, forefinger and middle finger clasped around it, exposing the 'pointy end' of the egg. Next, you hit your egg against another egg to see which one cracks. If yours doesn't, you win. Apparently this year someone played on my behalf and I won. That's great because I haven't won in years. The act of cracking the eggs against one another is called 'tooking' (that's the pronunciation, but not sure if it's the write spelling, I think it's a dutch word). So there you go, that's what Mr Scorpio was on about.
I miss Easter, thanks Mr S.
Our family is from Holland, well mum and dad are, and Mr Scorpio is an old friend (and I do mean old as well as long-standing) of mum and dad's and he and his wife come along to our family celebrations each year. They're good company, they bring their own beer and wine and we all have a good laugh.
So being Dutch, we have a tradition of colouring hard-boiled eggs on the Saturday night before Easter Sunday. It's all about the kids really. Mum usually boils 3 dozen eggs and that night we sit down with markers, crayons and pots of food dye and let our creative skills go wild. It's messy, but it's lots of fun.
The next morning, "Easter bunny" hides all the eggs in the yard, along with some chocolate goodies and the young kids go on an Easter egg hunt. This year, I think Mr. Scorpio joined in though. It's fun for the kids and sometimes it's really hard to find them all. I think we had one year when the dog dug one up 3 months later!!
After all the eggs have been found, the competition ensues. Each persons takes a hard boiled egg and holds it in such a way that it sits in the palm of the hand with the thumb, forefinger and middle finger clasped around it, exposing the 'pointy end' of the egg. Next, you hit your egg against another egg to see which one cracks. If yours doesn't, you win. Apparently this year someone played on my behalf and I won. That's great because I haven't won in years. The act of cracking the eggs against one another is called 'tooking' (that's the pronunciation, but not sure if it's the write spelling, I think it's a dutch word). So there you go, that's what Mr Scorpio was on about.
I miss Easter, thanks Mr S.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Dreams about my Dad.
Last night I had a rather scary dream. Now, I'm not one for scary dreams, I don't ever recall having had a nightmare or anything close to it. But last night I woke up crying, much to my surprise.
In the part of the dream that was most vivid, I was standing apart from myself, looking at myself in the third person. Never done that before. In the dream it was me, with my back to another person, who turned out to be my dad. This person was very angry at me. So angry in fact, that he was hurting me, hitting me and beating me over the head with a baseball bat. I was hurt and knew I had to get away, and that if I didn't, well, I would die. At the time, I felt strong and clear-headed, knowing my only priority should be to get away and that I could think about other things later on. I don't think I managed to get far, but when I did get away from him, all I could think about was how hurt I was that he was so angry at me and that I could have, should have done better by him. And I cried and cried. Sound familiar? It does to me.
Please Dad, don't be angry. I've got enough anger for all of us. It's so toxic and it will hurt you and I don't want you to be hurt. You need to be well until we can be together again. I know you've always supported my decision to be here and do what I think is best, even though you didn't agree. I'm so grateful for that. I know you are sitting there, watching my mess of a life unfold in just the way you predicted (to yourself) all those years ago when you found out that I wanted to be with him. I know you are disappointed that I won't stand up for myself, but it's really not that simple. I can't just up and leave. There are other considerations to be heeded. I'm strong and this situation will not destroy me. It will teach me life lessons. The "beautiful girl" you said you think you are losing is still here, waiting, waiting til the time is right to come home. And when I do, I'll be more of me than I ever thought possible. So please don't worry for me. I'm OK and I will see you at the end of the year.
I know my family are angry at me, it seems that everyone is. But I need to do what I think is best for my children, in my situation. For a very long time, I found it difficult to make my own decisions, often letting myself get swayed by someone else's opinion or I'd just go along with whatever J wanted. Now in this situation, knowing all that I know about myself and my situation and the kind of person J really is (ie not always the 'bastard' I make him out to be), I find that J and I are the only ones who can really make the decision together. And we did. Even though I yearn to be home, I know this is the best thing for my kids at the moment. Nothing is going to have more influence on our kids than we are. And I know right now, both my children need their father and their mother and they need each other. That's the entire basis for my decision to stay here.
And when I think about it like that, I feel good about myself and my decision.
In the part of the dream that was most vivid, I was standing apart from myself, looking at myself in the third person. Never done that before. In the dream it was me, with my back to another person, who turned out to be my dad. This person was very angry at me. So angry in fact, that he was hurting me, hitting me and beating me over the head with a baseball bat. I was hurt and knew I had to get away, and that if I didn't, well, I would die. At the time, I felt strong and clear-headed, knowing my only priority should be to get away and that I could think about other things later on. I don't think I managed to get far, but when I did get away from him, all I could think about was how hurt I was that he was so angry at me and that I could have, should have done better by him. And I cried and cried. Sound familiar? It does to me.
Please Dad, don't be angry. I've got enough anger for all of us. It's so toxic and it will hurt you and I don't want you to be hurt. You need to be well until we can be together again. I know you've always supported my decision to be here and do what I think is best, even though you didn't agree. I'm so grateful for that. I know you are sitting there, watching my mess of a life unfold in just the way you predicted (to yourself) all those years ago when you found out that I wanted to be with him. I know you are disappointed that I won't stand up for myself, but it's really not that simple. I can't just up and leave. There are other considerations to be heeded. I'm strong and this situation will not destroy me. It will teach me life lessons. The "beautiful girl" you said you think you are losing is still here, waiting, waiting til the time is right to come home. And when I do, I'll be more of me than I ever thought possible. So please don't worry for me. I'm OK and I will see you at the end of the year.
I know my family are angry at me, it seems that everyone is. But I need to do what I think is best for my children, in my situation. For a very long time, I found it difficult to make my own decisions, often letting myself get swayed by someone else's opinion or I'd just go along with whatever J wanted. Now in this situation, knowing all that I know about myself and my situation and the kind of person J really is (ie not always the 'bastard' I make him out to be), I find that J and I are the only ones who can really make the decision together. And we did. Even though I yearn to be home, I know this is the best thing for my kids at the moment. Nothing is going to have more influence on our kids than we are. And I know right now, both my children need their father and their mother and they need each other. That's the entire basis for my decision to stay here.
And when I think about it like that, I feel good about myself and my decision.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Just listen to him.
This weekend was Old Souls Day, a day where the Chinese honour their ancestors with a visit to the cemetery to offer prayers, food, burn joss sticks and the like. Though J and his family follow this important ritual, I've never been because he's always said it's not necessary, it's very hot and there's no need for me to go. They converge at the family home and then visit the cemetery together. This year, though, J said he didn't feel like going at all.
On Sunday though, I woke at 7.00 am to a soft knock on my door. It wasn't the kids, they never knock. It was J, telling me he'd decided to go to his family's house after all, then said he'd like to take the kids and asked if I wanted to come. I didn't want to say no, so I said yes, I'll come with you. I wanted him to be able to take the kids to this event. They're old enough now, they can take the heat a little better. They should know their history.
It was a risky decision for J to make. Even though I've settled down and told him of my 'positive plan', he still doesn't know whether something he does or says will 'set me off'. I can appreciate that and so I was serious when I thought to myself "I have to make this a positive day for him and the kids".
So we went and the day passed uneventfully. Then back home, he took another risk and told me this:
"The thing that upset me the most when we were together was that you would push and push and push (his buttons), like you were really trying to get a reaction out of me and then when you got the reaction you wanted, you'd get angry and say "see, see what a bastard you are, see how you treat me..." Is this true? Did I really do that? Probably, it does sound familiar, though I wouldn't be sitting there plotting how many annoying things I'm going to do to get him angry. Nevertheless, I probably still did it. He says I did.
Now, normally I would have gotten all defensive and said things like "but I never meant to do that" or "I didn't realise that that was what I was doing" or even "it's so unfair of you to feel that way, you shouldn't be feeling that way" and again, gotten annoyed and angry, because that's what we over-sensitive, defensive people do. But in the spirit of the new positive, 'let-it-go' state of mind, I just listened to him, trying to understand how he felt in the relationship, letting him say what he needed to say. Even if I never get to say to him what I 'want' to say, I'm just going to let him talk, to get it out because let me tell you, he didn't feel good. And I know better than most how toxic it is to keep that stuff inside of you.
So he said what he said, I didn't counter any of it, choosing instead to remind him of the person he used to be - gentle, kind, determined, driven, smart, confident and stable.
After that, well, nothing really. I didn't make it it into an issue, I'm not going to put forward my point of view or my thoughts. I'm not going to bring up what he said at a later date. I don't need to tell him any of those things. I'm just going to shut-up, listen if he wants to talk and get on with what I need to do.
Any other path of action will surely lead us down a path where we don't want to go.
It makes the blog a bit of a boring read though, doesn't it. Well, I've had enough of the dramas, the crying, the anguish. I just want to be boring, calm and stable for a while. I'll still write, but I'm not going to whinge. Instead, I'll try to keep it simple and just reflect on what's happening around me. I will have moods, spirals and the like, but if I just get on with it, I'll be better off. If I don't buy into the behaviour, maybe the behaviour will go away.
On Sunday though, I woke at 7.00 am to a soft knock on my door. It wasn't the kids, they never knock. It was J, telling me he'd decided to go to his family's house after all, then said he'd like to take the kids and asked if I wanted to come. I didn't want to say no, so I said yes, I'll come with you. I wanted him to be able to take the kids to this event. They're old enough now, they can take the heat a little better. They should know their history.
It was a risky decision for J to make. Even though I've settled down and told him of my 'positive plan', he still doesn't know whether something he does or says will 'set me off'. I can appreciate that and so I was serious when I thought to myself "I have to make this a positive day for him and the kids".
So we went and the day passed uneventfully. Then back home, he took another risk and told me this:
"The thing that upset me the most when we were together was that you would push and push and push (his buttons), like you were really trying to get a reaction out of me and then when you got the reaction you wanted, you'd get angry and say "see, see what a bastard you are, see how you treat me..." Is this true? Did I really do that? Probably, it does sound familiar, though I wouldn't be sitting there plotting how many annoying things I'm going to do to get him angry. Nevertheless, I probably still did it. He says I did.
Now, normally I would have gotten all defensive and said things like "but I never meant to do that" or "I didn't realise that that was what I was doing" or even "it's so unfair of you to feel that way, you shouldn't be feeling that way" and again, gotten annoyed and angry, because that's what we over-sensitive, defensive people do. But in the spirit of the new positive, 'let-it-go' state of mind, I just listened to him, trying to understand how he felt in the relationship, letting him say what he needed to say. Even if I never get to say to him what I 'want' to say, I'm just going to let him talk, to get it out because let me tell you, he didn't feel good. And I know better than most how toxic it is to keep that stuff inside of you.
So he said what he said, I didn't counter any of it, choosing instead to remind him of the person he used to be - gentle, kind, determined, driven, smart, confident and stable.
After that, well, nothing really. I didn't make it it into an issue, I'm not going to put forward my point of view or my thoughts. I'm not going to bring up what he said at a later date. I don't need to tell him any of those things. I'm just going to shut-up, listen if he wants to talk and get on with what I need to do.
Any other path of action will surely lead us down a path where we don't want to go.
It makes the blog a bit of a boring read though, doesn't it. Well, I've had enough of the dramas, the crying, the anguish. I just want to be boring, calm and stable for a while. I'll still write, but I'm not going to whinge. Instead, I'll try to keep it simple and just reflect on what's happening around me. I will have moods, spirals and the like, but if I just get on with it, I'll be better off. If I don't buy into the behaviour, maybe the behaviour will go away.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Done
I'm done. I've had enough of myself. I'm tired (again) of being negative and miserable. My kids, J (ex) and I deserve better than this. It's time to change and be positive. No more whinging about 'the situation', no more blaming, no more shitty thoughts about hurting and hating.
Just focus on what I can do to make our lives more pleasant. We don't need to be sucked into that world. No more. Nobody can survive such a negative world and not come out scarred.
I worked hard to be positive and I've lost some of that. I worked hard for it and I want it back, now.
I want my kids to be happy and believe it or not, I want J (ex) to be happy. I'm calling him J now because he's more than just some dumb label I've assigned him. He's my children's father and he's a good person, a good father. He tried with me. Tried and tried and tried again. And he still tries. Not to say he doesn't have his faults, but I'm going to concentrate on our positive traits. No more whinging.
My life is a saga no more. It is my life and I'm going to be happy in it. J or not, in Malaysia or Australia. I owe it to my children to show them that being happy and positive is indeed up to them.
:)
Just focus on what I can do to make our lives more pleasant. We don't need to be sucked into that world. No more. Nobody can survive such a negative world and not come out scarred.
I worked hard to be positive and I've lost some of that. I worked hard for it and I want it back, now.
I want my kids to be happy and believe it or not, I want J (ex) to be happy. I'm calling him J now because he's more than just some dumb label I've assigned him. He's my children's father and he's a good person, a good father. He tried with me. Tried and tried and tried again. And he still tries. Not to say he doesn't have his faults, but I'm going to concentrate on our positive traits. No more whinging.
My life is a saga no more. It is my life and I'm going to be happy in it. J or not, in Malaysia or Australia. I owe it to my children to show them that being happy and positive is indeed up to them.
:)
Friday, April 3, 2009
running thoughts.
To cope with the avalanche of feelings that have now engulfed me I have decided to take the only sensible measure left - I must exercise. I want to run and shout, stomp. I don't know if I have the right to be angry or not. I'm confused and miserable, but I don't want him to know about it and I don't want to talk to him.
So today, I ran on the treadmill. Oh well, walked really, because I'm very unfit. Exercise and medication are supposed to be the best combination to treat mental-heads like myself and it's the only combination I haven't persisted with. So I will run. Trouble is though, the gym I go to is really crap and the treadmill is small, barely wide enough to accommodate my size 9 feet. so running on it is a bit risky.
Melba wrote about karma today. Perhaps this is my karma - all those awful thoughts about him, all the anger - maybe I deserved this, that it happened to teach me something. Maybe it is all my fault. Maybe in life, I'm one of those people who need to learn the hard way. Fuck.
So today, I ran on the treadmill. Oh well, walked really, because I'm very unfit. Exercise and medication are supposed to be the best combination to treat mental-heads like myself and it's the only combination I haven't persisted with. So I will run. Trouble is though, the gym I go to is really crap and the treadmill is small, barely wide enough to accommodate my size 9 feet. so running on it is a bit risky.
Melba wrote about karma today. Perhaps this is my karma - all those awful thoughts about him, all the anger - maybe I deserved this, that it happened to teach me something. Maybe it is all my fault. Maybe in life, I'm one of those people who need to learn the hard way. Fuck.
Still here
I'm still here, though I've gone rather numb. Well, I was numb, wondering where all my fucking emotions had gone, for the first four days after ex had revealed that he's read ALL of my very private, not-meant-for-his-eyes journal here. I can't bear to look at him, bear to be in the same room and have to really fight myself to acknowledge him. I must be angry, I just don't feel it yet.
The anger has presented itself in dreams though, as every night since, I've dreamt of the 'big fight' that would have ensued, had I started shouting at him or telling him he was wrong to read my journal. I didn't do either of those things, so I guess it's got to happen somewhere. At the time, I just sat down and panicked, with the words, "this is it, this is the end of it all" going through my mind.
I'm in limbo at the moment, still struggling with all of this, not knowing what to say and not even knowing what to write about it. I've cooked and taken care of the kids, though they are not getting the mummy they deserve. And my students are not getting the teacher they need. i guess I'll get through it though, it's just another thing to let go by.
I'm wary of letting my emotions make my decisions for me. The kids are still stable and happy and enjoying their father's presence. That's what matters, that's why I'm here. I must let this matter lie and look to the future. I can use this to make myself stronger, to learn to cope with tough situations when I'm feeling vulnerable. To learn to put my children first, to cope when the going is tough. To show my children that when things are tough, you just keep on going, no matter what - power your way through this, pull yourself up and know that the hard work will pay off. Eventually.
The anger has presented itself in dreams though, as every night since, I've dreamt of the 'big fight' that would have ensued, had I started shouting at him or telling him he was wrong to read my journal. I didn't do either of those things, so I guess it's got to happen somewhere. At the time, I just sat down and panicked, with the words, "this is it, this is the end of it all" going through my mind.
I'm in limbo at the moment, still struggling with all of this, not knowing what to say and not even knowing what to write about it. I've cooked and taken care of the kids, though they are not getting the mummy they deserve. And my students are not getting the teacher they need. i guess I'll get through it though, it's just another thing to let go by.
I'm wary of letting my emotions make my decisions for me. The kids are still stable and happy and enjoying their father's presence. That's what matters, that's why I'm here. I must let this matter lie and look to the future. I can use this to make myself stronger, to learn to cope with tough situations when I'm feeling vulnerable. To learn to put my children first, to cope when the going is tough. To show my children that when things are tough, you just keep on going, no matter what - power your way through this, pull yourself up and know that the hard work will pay off. Eventually.
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