The day is still going, I wish it would end. I'm xanaxed and so is ex. We're OK though, I'm on half, then half again later and he's on 1. He didn't have lunch. We had disgusting McDonalds (which wasn't half bad because the burgers were fresh) and followed that by icecream. The kids were happy and I could just zone out for a while. Later, I apologised because that's my job. We fight, I apologise and then we try to forget about it. No need to analyse, it's not like we're together and need to resolve it, so we resolve it by agreeing not to agree and definitely not talking about it.
So he's going away for two nights and we're taking a day trip to Malacca on Sunday. We might see a movie, we will definitely buy some meat, fresh and lovely. Fish, mince, steak, chicken pieces, pork fillet and some pork ribs. Cereal and herbs that we can't get here. I'm going to learn to cook some new pasta dishes because I'm so sick of Chinese food. I'm buying potatoes so we can have it with grilled salmon on Sunday night, with salad. I'll get fresh salad mix and white button mushrooms. My kids love western food. Daughter has just informed me that she needs at least one weeks rest from eating rice. OK then. See what we can do.
When we talked after lunch today, he said that this was exactly the type of thing that scared him. That I can't handle situations that are spontaneous. My mind, my heart was screaming out for him to just listen to me, for once, just listen. He doesn't listen coz he thinks he knows what's happening. He said that when we go away, there's no room for error, because I can't handle it. We have to plan for huge margins of error. He has no confidence in my ability to cope with the unexpected. None. He's says it's like I'm autistic.
I can cope with situations - how else would I get around? - I just can't cope with his stress when something happens and I don't deal with it the way he thinks I should. That's stressful because he's making faces and rolling his eyes and I have no clue about what I 'should' be doing, so I just handle in my own (flawed) way. It's like watching someone dig a huge hole for themselves and then watching them jump in, like it was a good idea.
To top it off today, daughter's been asking me why I needed to stay so long in Australia in 2007. What could I tell her? I told her I was feeling very angry and weak and I needed to go home to get strong again. Why couldn't I do that here? she asked me. I said that I needed to be with my family because I knew that they could help me. I hope this was enough for her. I just didn't know what else to say.
Today has been tiring. And I know that underlying it all, I just want ex to be nice to me, to have confidence in me and my abilities. To smile at me and give me a hug and say that he knows I'm trying and that everything is going to be OK. When we connect on that level, life is Ok, it's bearable. But when I'm the reason for his stress, well, life becomes very, very difficult.
Time to cook and pretend I'm competent and feeling Ok. Thankyou for reading.
Friday, January 30, 2009
I'm pissed or maybe I'm just being pissy
Eckhart Tolle says that we shouldn't let our feelings get the better of us, that we should let them go as they are our ego's reaction to situations and we can choose to feel differently.
I'm finding this really hard to do. Before Chinese New Year, ex was talking about doing something together as a family if things slowed down at the pub. They did slow down and now he's decided to go away by himself and the 'family' has to stay at home. Then he asked me to organise to clean the pub for him - that means go there with the cleaner who comes on Sunday, open up and let her in for about 45 minutes and lock up again. Not much to ask, but then he took it back, saying he'll organise something else. I think he knew I was disappointed and then thought that asking me to do something for him wasn't worth the trouble it would cause later on.
And here's what I really want to say to him, that I can't say to him because of our fragile situation where I'm not able to 'rock the boat'.
WHY DO YOU GET TO GO AWAY WHEVEVER YOU WANT, AND WE DON'T? HOW CAN YOU TALK ABOUT DOING FAMILY THINGS TOGETHER AND THEN WHEN THE TIME COMES, TAKE IT BACK. WHAT ABOUT ME? YOU DON'T THINK MY LIFE IS A DAY TO DAY GRIND THAT I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM? YOU THINK WHAT YOU DO HELPS US? NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR... AND DON'T YOU EVER SUGGEST, EVER AGAIN, THAT 4 WEEKS HOLIDAY IN AUSTRALIA IS TOO LONG. GO AWAY, WRECK YOURSELF, SEE IF I CARE. OH, AND THE DAY TRIP YOU PROMISED US ON THE 8TH IS A PISSY LITTLE TOKEN YOU'VE OFFERED SO YOU DON'T FEEL TOO GUILTY. I CAN GO TO MALACCA BY MYSELF, I DON'T NEED TO TURN IT INTO A FAMILY DAY TRIP WITH YOU. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING TOGETHER, REMEMBER, FOR THE KIDS, REMEMBER. THEY'VE GOT SCHOOL? YOU SAID BEFORE THAT THEY COULD MISS SCHOOL, SO DON'T EVEN PRETEND THAT'S A REASON FOR US NOT GOING!!@!!@#$%!
That said, I'm actually really hesitant to go away with him and the kids, in case I can't handle it. I still get emotionally fraught and then need to take xanax, as the above shows. On the other hand, I'm really conscious of wanting to give the kids different experiences that they can remember when they are older. Still, if I'm going to turn it into a nightmare, it's not worth going anyway, right?
I'm finding this really hard to do. Before Chinese New Year, ex was talking about doing something together as a family if things slowed down at the pub. They did slow down and now he's decided to go away by himself and the 'family' has to stay at home. Then he asked me to organise to clean the pub for him - that means go there with the cleaner who comes on Sunday, open up and let her in for about 45 minutes and lock up again. Not much to ask, but then he took it back, saying he'll organise something else. I think he knew I was disappointed and then thought that asking me to do something for him wasn't worth the trouble it would cause later on.
And here's what I really want to say to him, that I can't say to him because of our fragile situation where I'm not able to 'rock the boat'.
WHY DO YOU GET TO GO AWAY WHEVEVER YOU WANT, AND WE DON'T? HOW CAN YOU TALK ABOUT DOING FAMILY THINGS TOGETHER AND THEN WHEN THE TIME COMES, TAKE IT BACK. WHAT ABOUT ME? YOU DON'T THINK MY LIFE IS A DAY TO DAY GRIND THAT I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM? YOU THINK WHAT YOU DO HELPS US? NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR... AND DON'T YOU EVER SUGGEST, EVER AGAIN, THAT 4 WEEKS HOLIDAY IN AUSTRALIA IS TOO LONG. GO AWAY, WRECK YOURSELF, SEE IF I CARE. OH, AND THE DAY TRIP YOU PROMISED US ON THE 8TH IS A PISSY LITTLE TOKEN YOU'VE OFFERED SO YOU DON'T FEEL TOO GUILTY. I CAN GO TO MALACCA BY MYSELF, I DON'T NEED TO TURN IT INTO A FAMILY DAY TRIP WITH YOU. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING TOGETHER, REMEMBER, FOR THE KIDS, REMEMBER. THEY'VE GOT SCHOOL? YOU SAID BEFORE THAT THEY COULD MISS SCHOOL, SO DON'T EVEN PRETEND THAT'S A REASON FOR US NOT GOING!!@!!@#$%!
That said, I'm actually really hesitant to go away with him and the kids, in case I can't handle it. I still get emotionally fraught and then need to take xanax, as the above shows. On the other hand, I'm really conscious of wanting to give the kids different experiences that they can remember when they are older. Still, if I'm going to turn it into a nightmare, it's not worth going anyway, right?
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Anxiety
I've just had an anxiety attack, but I'm recovering now. It wasn't bad, but enough to send me to my room and lock the door. I don't know what set it off. The kids were being demanding, wanting food every hour. I'm sure I feed them. We had breakfast (bread and juice) at 10am and by 10.50, they were wanting lunch. Maybe I'm not feeding them the right foods. I don't know. Maybe they're bored and are asking for food to entertain themselves? I don't know.
Ex got up. I hate admitting it but sometimes I don't want him around. He can't see why not. It's not like he purposely makes things difficult. It's Ok though, I'm just whinging.
I feel bad for having this happen. It limits us and scares ex as he so pointedly put it on the way back from Kluang. Maybe I just need a break from the kids.
These days, things seem to be getting harder. I never know what to do for lunch and I don't know what to cook for dinner. I hate cooking and find myself wanting to retreat to my room often. It's just a tough patch. I know it will pass.
Time to make pizza for lunch.
Ex got up. I hate admitting it but sometimes I don't want him around. He can't see why not. It's not like he purposely makes things difficult. It's Ok though, I'm just whinging.
I feel bad for having this happen. It limits us and scares ex as he so pointedly put it on the way back from Kluang. Maybe I just need a break from the kids.
These days, things seem to be getting harder. I never know what to do for lunch and I don't know what to cook for dinner. I hate cooking and find myself wanting to retreat to my room often. It's just a tough patch. I know it will pass.
Time to make pizza for lunch.
Already Wednesday... a little reflection
It's already Wednesday, albeit only just (12.15am). Another day gone. Kids in bed a while ago, we all had a pretty good day. Woke up late-ish, then visited mom in law because she's sick and was unable to join us at Kluang on Monday. She caught the flu from ex's older brother, whom I saved from a night of misery with my collection of cold and flu meds. Now she has my collection. If she's not better soon, I'll take her to the doctor. See ex, I do make a difference.
While visiting with her, I cleaned her kitchen which was really oily from all the frying she does. She doesn't see the layers of grease building up (she is 70-odd after all), the scraps of paper building up behind the gas cooker that she uses, the oil stains on the walls and windows of her tiny kitchen. There's a lot of clutter in there, because she doesn't like to waste anything and her cleaning cloths are torn up clothing, so I found myself trying to dry the benches with an old sock and what was left of a t-shirt. Clothes don't clean kitchens well, which may be the reason her kitchen is dirty. Oh well, I'll keep a better eye on it for her so it doesn't get out of hand. The rest of her house is fine, just the kitchen that gets a little dirty.
After we'd eaten her leftover rice and the neighbour's curry for lunch (at her insistence), we left for home. At home, ex got talking about his night at the pub. He has a lot of 'interesting' things happen there, so he's always got stories to tell. Last night though, he'd upset a group of customers who'd spiked one of his waitresses' drinks by telling them they weren't allowed to do it. They got offended and left their mark by breaking a bottle on the footpath outside. You can't tell some people, they think they are right all the time, as this bunch seemed to think. Ex seems to be realising that a lot of the people in the world are selfish and self-centred, they talk big and do little or they give their opinion, whether they are asked about it or not. There are not many genuine people in this world. I think he's getting a little disillusioned about it all, which is a sad thing for him. Of course the ego in me is hoping that one day he'll look at me and decide that I'm not so bad after all - ahhh, the fantasies go on.... The rational me says that he'll continue to see me as one of those selfish, self-centred people he so despises.
For myself, I've come to the conclusion that all people have their flaws and being friends doesn't mean you have to like all the qualities that make up that person - you do have to decide which ones are important to you though.
My friends, K and W, are terribly disorganised, they (he) forgets things and really exists in his own little world. K, his wife, depends on him for everything, and won't even come away for a weekend because she thinks he'll disapprove. I don't like those qualities, but at the same time their friendship is important to me and we have fun when we are together. They've shown me love, acceptance and have listened to me when I needed to unload about ex and to me, those qualities outweigh all those things that niggle me a bit. I accept their flaws, deal with it when need be, but ultimately, I still want to maintain the relationship and help them out when I can.
Ex's tolerance for 'flawed people' is low though, which is something he blames on me. I've worn him down, lowered his annoyance threshold and made him weaker. I still can't rationalise this. It takes two to make problems and we had those problems because we are who we are, both of us, not just me. That's not to say it wasn't difficult for him, it was, but it wasn't all me. It wasn't.
I hope ex can accept that people are who they are and they won't ever live up to your expectations, because they are busy living up to their own. That's just the way it is with people. They live life by their own rules, not yours. Sometimes the rules are the same, but a lot of times they're different. I think they call it being human.
While visiting with her, I cleaned her kitchen which was really oily from all the frying she does. She doesn't see the layers of grease building up (she is 70-odd after all), the scraps of paper building up behind the gas cooker that she uses, the oil stains on the walls and windows of her tiny kitchen. There's a lot of clutter in there, because she doesn't like to waste anything and her cleaning cloths are torn up clothing, so I found myself trying to dry the benches with an old sock and what was left of a t-shirt. Clothes don't clean kitchens well, which may be the reason her kitchen is dirty. Oh well, I'll keep a better eye on it for her so it doesn't get out of hand. The rest of her house is fine, just the kitchen that gets a little dirty.
After we'd eaten her leftover rice and the neighbour's curry for lunch (at her insistence), we left for home. At home, ex got talking about his night at the pub. He has a lot of 'interesting' things happen there, so he's always got stories to tell. Last night though, he'd upset a group of customers who'd spiked one of his waitresses' drinks by telling them they weren't allowed to do it. They got offended and left their mark by breaking a bottle on the footpath outside. You can't tell some people, they think they are right all the time, as this bunch seemed to think. Ex seems to be realising that a lot of the people in the world are selfish and self-centred, they talk big and do little or they give their opinion, whether they are asked about it or not. There are not many genuine people in this world. I think he's getting a little disillusioned about it all, which is a sad thing for him. Of course the ego in me is hoping that one day he'll look at me and decide that I'm not so bad after all - ahhh, the fantasies go on.... The rational me says that he'll continue to see me as one of those selfish, self-centred people he so despises.
For myself, I've come to the conclusion that all people have their flaws and being friends doesn't mean you have to like all the qualities that make up that person - you do have to decide which ones are important to you though.
My friends, K and W, are terribly disorganised, they (he) forgets things and really exists in his own little world. K, his wife, depends on him for everything, and won't even come away for a weekend because she thinks he'll disapprove. I don't like those qualities, but at the same time their friendship is important to me and we have fun when we are together. They've shown me love, acceptance and have listened to me when I needed to unload about ex and to me, those qualities outweigh all those things that niggle me a bit. I accept their flaws, deal with it when need be, but ultimately, I still want to maintain the relationship and help them out when I can.
Ex's tolerance for 'flawed people' is low though, which is something he blames on me. I've worn him down, lowered his annoyance threshold and made him weaker. I still can't rationalise this. It takes two to make problems and we had those problems because we are who we are, both of us, not just me. That's not to say it wasn't difficult for him, it was, but it wasn't all me. It wasn't.
I hope ex can accept that people are who they are and they won't ever live up to your expectations, because they are busy living up to their own. That's just the way it is with people. They live life by their own rules, not yours. Sometimes the rules are the same, but a lot of times they're different. I think they call it being human.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Gong Xi Fa Cai
... or Selamat Tahun Baru Cina.... or Happy Chinese New Year.
It's the third cause for celebration in the last 6 weeks for us. The economic downturn has shown it's ugly face here. People are not celebrating much. The decorations are minimal and people are not really in a celebratory mood. And it's quiet. Too quiet. A normal Chinese New Year sees the skies bursting with fireworks most nights and though there were some last night, there are minimal tonight. In fact, in previous years, I can remember staying up with my son for about 3 or 4 nights in a row, to comfort him from the noise. It was a good excuse for a 'sleepover at mummy's'. Nice.
Last night we had our family reunion dinner at my brother in laws. The older brother from KL was down with his family - wife, 2 sons 5 and 2 and their maid. Mom in law had cooked all her special dishes, I made garlic prawns, sis in law had cooked the meat and some vegetables. It was a little stressful getting it all together, but we managed to have a nice dinner after all. Ang pows (lucky red envelopes) were given to the kids. These red packets contain money and are the equivalent of the Christmas present. My in laws and I played gin rummy with special gin rummy tiles. An addictive, fun game to gamble the night away with. I lost the 10 dollars I'd gained the night before.
Ex had quite the night at the pub, certainly more interesting than mine. One of his staff walked out after having a tiff with a family member, another went off the rails after a customer had spiked her drink, but not before ex had to tell her off for hoarding customers and then not being able to serve them. And this was all after another staff member had split her dress and had to be driven home by one of ex's mates to change. These girls don't have their own transport and they tend to have rather unstable personalities. Every time ex tells me a story about one of them doing this or that or going off the rails, I can't help but think that I've contributed to him being able to handle these girls, what with our past and everything. Eckhart Tolle says we are all having these experiences because we need to have them. Given what ex has to deal with, Tolle seems to have hit the nail on the proverbial head. HAH! Who would have guessed!
So back to Chinese New Year. Today is the first day of the Lunar New Year. It's the year of the OX. I think my brother's an ox and those who know us, would understand the irony of that. He's 6'4" and quite the opinionated, stubborn little darling - who now has 4 gorgeous kids - often reminds me of an ox. In fact, I think I used to call him an ox when we were kids!
Being the first day means we get to travel 2 hours south to a town called Kluang, where ex's fathers family house resides. The big, old California style bungalow is set on a big block of land and the house can accommodate many people, having 4 bedrooms, a big kitchen, 2 bathrooms and extra toilet and many interesting photos of family days gone by. This year was a little quiet. A cousin had passed away earlier last year, so although his mum and dad were there, his wife and baby weren't, my mom in law had the flu so whe didn't go, another family decided that skiing in Japan was a better way to spend Chinese New Year and someone elses father had passed away so they couldn't attend. Yet, although it was quiet, it was nice. The kids played together, I got to talk to those I normally talk to for a longer time than normal because there weren't many people around, we went for lunch in a restaurant and had an 8 course meal, the kids behaved themselves and ate a decent amount (much to my relief) and we were able to drive home without too much hassle.
Our timing was good today. When we arrived on the outskirts of Kluang, we encountered a police block that had only just started, so we were waved through without having to wait. I swear, of all days to have a police road block, they chose today. It's like the government are trying to piss the Chinese community off on purpose. Four hours later, on the way back, we saw the same police block, this time with a traffic jam of at least 2 - 3 kilometers. Those poor, unsuspecting people, crawling along in their cars, trying to get to lunches and dinners to celebrate with family, being held up for who knows what reason.
When I got up this morning, I didn't feel like going to Kluang, but in the end it was worth it and not just for the ang pow the kids got. I've known some of these people for 20 odd years and though they are ex's family, they have always welcomed me and sometimes they feel like my family, even though I don't connect with them in the way I do with my own folks. The two old aunties who live there always clean the house and cook for us when we are down. The older one is a retired maths teacher and the other one has never worked, though she has looked after the babies of family members and has always just been there. Some say she's a bit 'slow', but I've always found her to be quite nice and she likes me and the kids. She always has a kind word, even if it is in broken English and she's always delighted to see us. Her tiny 4'10" frame bustles around the house, clearing this and doing that. I often wonder what she does with her days when everyone is at home and her and her sister are there by themselves. Because she's never worked, her immediate family (15 siblings) have always contributed to support her. Families here are good like that, they support each other, I guess because they have to as there is no real welfare system here.
So that was Chinese New Year on the surface. Under the surface was a different story. My mind was racing again, unhappy with my judgement that ex treats everyone better than he treats me. He can walk into a room and say hello to everyone and barely acknowledge me. And it still hurts, like hell. He doesn't do it all the time, but he did yesterday and to add to that, he had this nice friendly banter going on with my sis in law from KL and they were laughing together and I. got. jealous. I was so furious with myself, feeling like that, like i had no right to feel like that, but there it was. I was thinking, why can't he talk to me that way, it would be so nice. Uggh, I make myself sick.
It's OK though. I'm OK now. I calmed myself with the knowledge that it's a superficial thing. He talks to her like that because he knows she likes it and she responds. Later, he will tell me what he was doing, playing to her personality like that. She thinks he's serious. I actually don't like that about him, it makes him seem manipulative somehow. And if I think about it like that, there's nothing to be jealous of.
It's 2.30 am now, I'm listening to my favourite blog music. Paul Potts, One Chance. I love this guys story. A want-to-be opera singer with no confidence in himself, working at Carphone Warehouse in Britain somewhere, auditions for Britain's Got Talent and blows the judges away with his voice. I've heard better opera singers (Anthony Warlow etc), but this guy with his 'little lump of coal turning into a diamond' story always manages to help put me in the right frame of mind for writing my blog. So now, I'm going to bed. Later in the week, ex said he'd like to close for a few day so that we can take the kids for a holiday. Oh no!
G'night.
It's the third cause for celebration in the last 6 weeks for us. The economic downturn has shown it's ugly face here. People are not celebrating much. The decorations are minimal and people are not really in a celebratory mood. And it's quiet. Too quiet. A normal Chinese New Year sees the skies bursting with fireworks most nights and though there were some last night, there are minimal tonight. In fact, in previous years, I can remember staying up with my son for about 3 or 4 nights in a row, to comfort him from the noise. It was a good excuse for a 'sleepover at mummy's'. Nice.
Last night we had our family reunion dinner at my brother in laws. The older brother from KL was down with his family - wife, 2 sons 5 and 2 and their maid. Mom in law had cooked all her special dishes, I made garlic prawns, sis in law had cooked the meat and some vegetables. It was a little stressful getting it all together, but we managed to have a nice dinner after all. Ang pows (lucky red envelopes) were given to the kids. These red packets contain money and are the equivalent of the Christmas present. My in laws and I played gin rummy with special gin rummy tiles. An addictive, fun game to gamble the night away with. I lost the 10 dollars I'd gained the night before.
Ex had quite the night at the pub, certainly more interesting than mine. One of his staff walked out after having a tiff with a family member, another went off the rails after a customer had spiked her drink, but not before ex had to tell her off for hoarding customers and then not being able to serve them. And this was all after another staff member had split her dress and had to be driven home by one of ex's mates to change. These girls don't have their own transport and they tend to have rather unstable personalities. Every time ex tells me a story about one of them doing this or that or going off the rails, I can't help but think that I've contributed to him being able to handle these girls, what with our past and everything. Eckhart Tolle says we are all having these experiences because we need to have them. Given what ex has to deal with, Tolle seems to have hit the nail on the proverbial head. HAH! Who would have guessed!
So back to Chinese New Year. Today is the first day of the Lunar New Year. It's the year of the OX. I think my brother's an ox and those who know us, would understand the irony of that. He's 6'4" and quite the opinionated, stubborn little darling - who now has 4 gorgeous kids - often reminds me of an ox. In fact, I think I used to call him an ox when we were kids!
Being the first day means we get to travel 2 hours south to a town called Kluang, where ex's fathers family house resides. The big, old California style bungalow is set on a big block of land and the house can accommodate many people, having 4 bedrooms, a big kitchen, 2 bathrooms and extra toilet and many interesting photos of family days gone by. This year was a little quiet. A cousin had passed away earlier last year, so although his mum and dad were there, his wife and baby weren't, my mom in law had the flu so whe didn't go, another family decided that skiing in Japan was a better way to spend Chinese New Year and someone elses father had passed away so they couldn't attend. Yet, although it was quiet, it was nice. The kids played together, I got to talk to those I normally talk to for a longer time than normal because there weren't many people around, we went for lunch in a restaurant and had an 8 course meal, the kids behaved themselves and ate a decent amount (much to my relief) and we were able to drive home without too much hassle.
Our timing was good today. When we arrived on the outskirts of Kluang, we encountered a police block that had only just started, so we were waved through without having to wait. I swear, of all days to have a police road block, they chose today. It's like the government are trying to piss the Chinese community off on purpose. Four hours later, on the way back, we saw the same police block, this time with a traffic jam of at least 2 - 3 kilometers. Those poor, unsuspecting people, crawling along in their cars, trying to get to lunches and dinners to celebrate with family, being held up for who knows what reason.
When I got up this morning, I didn't feel like going to Kluang, but in the end it was worth it and not just for the ang pow the kids got. I've known some of these people for 20 odd years and though they are ex's family, they have always welcomed me and sometimes they feel like my family, even though I don't connect with them in the way I do with my own folks. The two old aunties who live there always clean the house and cook for us when we are down. The older one is a retired maths teacher and the other one has never worked, though she has looked after the babies of family members and has always just been there. Some say she's a bit 'slow', but I've always found her to be quite nice and she likes me and the kids. She always has a kind word, even if it is in broken English and she's always delighted to see us. Her tiny 4'10" frame bustles around the house, clearing this and doing that. I often wonder what she does with her days when everyone is at home and her and her sister are there by themselves. Because she's never worked, her immediate family (15 siblings) have always contributed to support her. Families here are good like that, they support each other, I guess because they have to as there is no real welfare system here.
So that was Chinese New Year on the surface. Under the surface was a different story. My mind was racing again, unhappy with my judgement that ex treats everyone better than he treats me. He can walk into a room and say hello to everyone and barely acknowledge me. And it still hurts, like hell. He doesn't do it all the time, but he did yesterday and to add to that, he had this nice friendly banter going on with my sis in law from KL and they were laughing together and I. got. jealous. I was so furious with myself, feeling like that, like i had no right to feel like that, but there it was. I was thinking, why can't he talk to me that way, it would be so nice. Uggh, I make myself sick.
It's OK though. I'm OK now. I calmed myself with the knowledge that it's a superficial thing. He talks to her like that because he knows she likes it and she responds. Later, he will tell me what he was doing, playing to her personality like that. She thinks he's serious. I actually don't like that about him, it makes him seem manipulative somehow. And if I think about it like that, there's nothing to be jealous of.
It's 2.30 am now, I'm listening to my favourite blog music. Paul Potts, One Chance. I love this guys story. A want-to-be opera singer with no confidence in himself, working at Carphone Warehouse in Britain somewhere, auditions for Britain's Got Talent and blows the judges away with his voice. I've heard better opera singers (Anthony Warlow etc), but this guy with his 'little lump of coal turning into a diamond' story always manages to help put me in the right frame of mind for writing my blog. So now, I'm going to bed. Later in the week, ex said he'd like to close for a few day so that we can take the kids for a holiday. Oh no!
G'night.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Great speech... great leader
I'm not a political person and not one to argue politics as such, so I'm not about to analyse Obama's inauguration speech. I'm just giving my little 2 cents worth on how it affected me.
I stayed up to watch the inauguration of the first African-American president of the United States of America because I wanted to watch history being made. It was an important day, not just for America, but for anyone who has lost hope in the goodness of the world.
I wasn't disappointed. I thought Obama made a great speech after he was sworn in as President, in front of 2 MILLION PEOPLE IN THE MALL (that's a hell of a lot of people) and millions more watching. It was like watching America having a party. Everyone happy, relieved to see the stupidity and war-mongering days of Bush over.
I like Obama because you can see his humanity and yet, he is still exudes the control that a great leader must have. When he fudged the oath, he kept on going, correcting the mistake as best he could and getting on with it. When he gave his speech, his voice was clear and unfaltering and it was like he spoke from his heart about what he thinks needs to be done. If you speak from the heart, you don't need notes and you don't make mistakes, because you are sure in what you are going to say. He'd probably practiced that speech a hundred times but he made it seem so natural and genuine. And when he danced with Michelle at the last inauguration ball, he looked like any other man dancing with his wife, comfortable in his affection towards her, not stilted or awkward in any way. I loved the way he changed the way he was holding her, switching from the classic dance position to holding her around her waist and then giving her a hug. What a nice moment.
I liked the way he openly admitted that it was going to be a challenge for everyone to remake America, that Government can not do it alone. The way he spoke the truth and didn't bullshit about the issues which need to be dealt with. And I loved the way he chose not to be polite to the Bush administration, mentioning the ineffective health care system and the greed and irresponsibility that have led to a weakened economy. All with Bush sitting behind him, looking very small.
I liked it that he believes the answers to America's problems lie in the people's convictions, faith (in themselves) and hard work, rather than in military might.
I loved the inclusiveness of his words, reaching out to every nation, every religion, every town, every man, woman and child around the world and even to America's many enemies, in one of my favourite lines "that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist."
He has restored my hope that the world can be a better place. That America can be all it wants to be and have a positive effect on the world, instead of just throwing around it's military power and stomping on so many people. Ex is fond of saying that there's always a better way to do something. I'm hoping Obama is the man who will do things differently, that he will let his ideals shine through in his actions. And that he'll be able to fix some of the tragedies that are the mark of one of the worst US presidents the world has ever known. And that if he does make mistakes, he won't pander to his ego and justify a wrong decision with lots of excuses. He'll admit it, try to fix it and move on.
I've just re-read that paragraph and thought, gee I don't want much do I. But if anyone is the right man at the right time to do this, Obama is. The world needs a good leader right now, I hope he's up to the challenge. If I was religious, I'd say that my prayers are with him, but I'm not. So I'll just say that though the enormity of his job is mind boggling, my thoughts are with him and I want to thank him for giving people like me their hope back.
I stayed up to watch the inauguration of the first African-American president of the United States of America because I wanted to watch history being made. It was an important day, not just for America, but for anyone who has lost hope in the goodness of the world.
I wasn't disappointed. I thought Obama made a great speech after he was sworn in as President, in front of 2 MILLION PEOPLE IN THE MALL (that's a hell of a lot of people) and millions more watching. It was like watching America having a party. Everyone happy, relieved to see the stupidity and war-mongering days of Bush over.
I like Obama because you can see his humanity and yet, he is still exudes the control that a great leader must have. When he fudged the oath, he kept on going, correcting the mistake as best he could and getting on with it. When he gave his speech, his voice was clear and unfaltering and it was like he spoke from his heart about what he thinks needs to be done. If you speak from the heart, you don't need notes and you don't make mistakes, because you are sure in what you are going to say. He'd probably practiced that speech a hundred times but he made it seem so natural and genuine. And when he danced with Michelle at the last inauguration ball, he looked like any other man dancing with his wife, comfortable in his affection towards her, not stilted or awkward in any way. I loved the way he changed the way he was holding her, switching from the classic dance position to holding her around her waist and then giving her a hug. What a nice moment.
I liked the way he openly admitted that it was going to be a challenge for everyone to remake America, that Government can not do it alone. The way he spoke the truth and didn't bullshit about the issues which need to be dealt with. And I loved the way he chose not to be polite to the Bush administration, mentioning the ineffective health care system and the greed and irresponsibility that have led to a weakened economy. All with Bush sitting behind him, looking very small.
I liked it that he believes the answers to America's problems lie in the people's convictions, faith (in themselves) and hard work, rather than in military might.
I loved the inclusiveness of his words, reaching out to every nation, every religion, every town, every man, woman and child around the world and even to America's many enemies, in one of my favourite lines "that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist."
He has restored my hope that the world can be a better place. That America can be all it wants to be and have a positive effect on the world, instead of just throwing around it's military power and stomping on so many people. Ex is fond of saying that there's always a better way to do something. I'm hoping Obama is the man who will do things differently, that he will let his ideals shine through in his actions. And that he'll be able to fix some of the tragedies that are the mark of one of the worst US presidents the world has ever known. And that if he does make mistakes, he won't pander to his ego and justify a wrong decision with lots of excuses. He'll admit it, try to fix it and move on.
I've just re-read that paragraph and thought, gee I don't want much do I. But if anyone is the right man at the right time to do this, Obama is. The world needs a good leader right now, I hope he's up to the challenge. If I was religious, I'd say that my prayers are with him, but I'm not. So I'll just say that though the enormity of his job is mind boggling, my thoughts are with him and I want to thank him for giving people like me their hope back.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I'm thinking about trout...and other things
I've been thinking about trout - the smoked kind that us Dutch people like to eat. And of course it's gotten me to thinking about other foods I miss. Here's a list:
My mums fetta cheese and bacon omelette -she made it for me once, when I went back home for the long stay and I've never tasted anything like it.
Lamb.
BBQ chicken.
Smoked trout.
Smoked salmon.
Herrings - eaten with dad!
Apricots covered in dark chocolate - really good for you too.
Good wine, reasonably priced. The tax here on alcohol is incredible.
Good ham.
Chat potatoes.
Potato salad.
Great cheese - not blue, but anything else is good.
Fetta cheese and crackers.
Salami.
Good quality dark chocolate - eaten with my parents.
Sourdough bread.
Any good seedy, grainy bread with Philadelphia cheese. Nothing like a great bread, cheese and wine!
Gourmet pizzas.
Good sausages.
Beef burgundy pies.
Good chocolate cake.
Apple slice - ahhh, I miss the bakeries.
Snags, bread and sauce on a park BBQ - remember our BBQ's Melba, with the kids we used to teach?
I think about the food at home all the time, well, not all the time - not when I'm eating satay with lovely peanut sauce and a hot teh tarik!
But I think about it alot, which is strange, given that I didn't think the food in Australia was anything special. But it's fresh, tasty and even the simplest things can taste really good. And when it's stacked up in the grocery store or fruit market or the butcher, it just looks so good. The meat is so red and lovely, I feel like buying it all. And the chicken is a fresh pink colour and looks nice and clean. And there are no flies around it. The flies here live in the supermarkets and rubbish bins and at my brother in laws place (cos they got dogs), so it's common to see a lot of flies hanging around the produce section.
The food in Australia is easy to prepare and easy to eat. Tonight, I just couldn't face another stir fry and rice, with stir fried green vegie, which is what I normally cook. I vary the ingredients a bit, but after a while, it's starts to taste the same. Hence the chicken, chips and salad I made tonight, much to the delight of the kids. I chose chips because the potatoes here are not good, so chips it was - McCain brand, the best I could buy and they were great. Crispy, soft on the inside and just enough salt. I have times when I crave western food, but I usually just end up making a sandwich or eating a bowl of cereal, because the western food here is really disgusting. There is good western food here, but you've got to go to Malacca or KL for it and it's generally expensive.
You're probably thinking, why doesn't she just cook it.... I would, except that it's cheaper to cook chinese and I'm better at it. I'm not good at cooking western food, but when I get back, I plan to get better. I can cook chinese because ex taught me and I've been doing it for the last 15 or so years.
My kids love western food. They love my mum's cooking too, which is nice for her and them. I never have to coax them to eat her cooking. But for now, my own little attempts at western food will have to suffice. Until we get back, which I'm not supposed to talk about, but am just busting to. Control....control yourself.
That's better. Tomorrow's menu - beef stir fry with broccoli, beans with omelette and rice, of course.
Cheers.
My mums fetta cheese and bacon omelette -she made it for me once, when I went back home for the long stay and I've never tasted anything like it.
Lamb.
BBQ chicken.
Smoked trout.
Smoked salmon.
Herrings - eaten with dad!
Apricots covered in dark chocolate - really good for you too.
Good wine, reasonably priced. The tax here on alcohol is incredible.
Good ham.
Chat potatoes.
Potato salad.
Great cheese - not blue, but anything else is good.
Fetta cheese and crackers.
Salami.
Good quality dark chocolate - eaten with my parents.
Sourdough bread.
Any good seedy, grainy bread with Philadelphia cheese. Nothing like a great bread, cheese and wine!
Gourmet pizzas.
Good sausages.
Beef burgundy pies.
Good chocolate cake.
Apple slice - ahhh, I miss the bakeries.
Snags, bread and sauce on a park BBQ - remember our BBQ's Melba, with the kids we used to teach?
I think about the food at home all the time, well, not all the time - not when I'm eating satay with lovely peanut sauce and a hot teh tarik!
But I think about it alot, which is strange, given that I didn't think the food in Australia was anything special. But it's fresh, tasty and even the simplest things can taste really good. And when it's stacked up in the grocery store or fruit market or the butcher, it just looks so good. The meat is so red and lovely, I feel like buying it all. And the chicken is a fresh pink colour and looks nice and clean. And there are no flies around it. The flies here live in the supermarkets and rubbish bins and at my brother in laws place (cos they got dogs), so it's common to see a lot of flies hanging around the produce section.
The food in Australia is easy to prepare and easy to eat. Tonight, I just couldn't face another stir fry and rice, with stir fried green vegie, which is what I normally cook. I vary the ingredients a bit, but after a while, it's starts to taste the same. Hence the chicken, chips and salad I made tonight, much to the delight of the kids. I chose chips because the potatoes here are not good, so chips it was - McCain brand, the best I could buy and they were great. Crispy, soft on the inside and just enough salt. I have times when I crave western food, but I usually just end up making a sandwich or eating a bowl of cereal, because the western food here is really disgusting. There is good western food here, but you've got to go to Malacca or KL for it and it's generally expensive.
You're probably thinking, why doesn't she just cook it.... I would, except that it's cheaper to cook chinese and I'm better at it. I'm not good at cooking western food, but when I get back, I plan to get better. I can cook chinese because ex taught me and I've been doing it for the last 15 or so years.
My kids love western food. They love my mum's cooking too, which is nice for her and them. I never have to coax them to eat her cooking. But for now, my own little attempts at western food will have to suffice. Until we get back, which I'm not supposed to talk about, but am just busting to. Control....control yourself.
That's better. Tomorrow's menu - beef stir fry with broccoli, beans with omelette and rice, of course.
Cheers.
Make my son's day...
My boy is one of those kids who, when he likes something, he just loves it sooooo much. If he thinks a meal is nice, he'll tell you it's the best meal he's ever eaten. Hence todays words, after I picked him and his sister up from school.
Upon spying the shopping...
Him: "Hey mum, are those fries (frozen chips)?"
Me: "yes, I thought I'd make some fries, salad and some baked chicken for dinner."
Him: "Wow, that sounds delicious. And is that butterscotch bread (sweet bread I use for a snack)?
Me: "yes it is, you can take some to school tomorrow. Oh and guess what's for dessert?"
Him: "Chocolate?"
Me: "Almost. Chocolate cake. I bought some today and I thought we'd have some after dinner"
Him: "Oh mum, with breakfast (toast), and the lunch (leftover pasta) and now this dinner...this has to be the best day of my life ever!"
Me: "That's wonderful sweetie" - smiling all the way home!!!
Upon spying the shopping...
Him: "Hey mum, are those fries (frozen chips)?"
Me: "yes, I thought I'd make some fries, salad and some baked chicken for dinner."
Him: "Wow, that sounds delicious. And is that butterscotch bread (sweet bread I use for a snack)?
Me: "yes it is, you can take some to school tomorrow. Oh and guess what's for dessert?"
Him: "Chocolate?"
Me: "Almost. Chocolate cake. I bought some today and I thought we'd have some after dinner"
Him: "Oh mum, with breakfast (toast), and the lunch (leftover pasta) and now this dinner...this has to be the best day of my life ever!"
Me: "That's wonderful sweetie" - smiling all the way home!!!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Emergency
8.50 this morning, my son comes rushing into my room, the urgency in his voice making me wake straight up and get out of bed. To hear this:
"Mum, come quick, come, on, come, please, the (pay tv) remote has run out of batteries."
Ugggh. I think my kids watch too much tv.
"Mum, come quick, come, on, come, please, the (pay tv) remote has run out of batteries."
Ugggh. I think my kids watch too much tv.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I must have really traumatised him...
Today ex needed me to do something for him. He hates asking me to do stuff for him. He hates saying the words "I need you to do this for me...". He hates it because he thinks I won't be able to do it. In the past, I must have let him down many times.
The past on this issue is one of those unresolvable blurs of life where we remember things differently. I remember trying so hard to give him what I thought he was asking for and failing time and time again. I don't know if what he was asking me to do was reasonable or not. I just know I didn't do it.
For the past few years though, I have tried to do whatever he needs me to do. On time and thoroughly. So yesterdays obvious stress when he asked me to go to the bank and take care of a few things took me a little by surprise. Oh, but wait a minute, yes, that's right, I bailed out on helping him with the Chinese New Year decorations because I just couldn't take his criticism.
I actually don't know if this had anything to do with it, but I thought his obvious stress, compounded by his frustration with the bank, was a little over the top. But he's human and so he's allowed to get stressed.
The thing is, at the same time that he was asking me this, daughter came into the situation with her own stress about lost school equipment and ex started saying, well if you can't do this let me know and I'll deal with it. He said this at least 3 times in the space of a few minutes, all while daughter was having a panic attack about losing her pencil case (and of course, we were a few minutes from having to leave for school).
My point is, he'd given up on me being able to do this before I'd even had a chance to think. STOP PRE-EMPTING MY FAILURES, GODDAMIT. IT DOESN'T FUCKING HELP. I'M A CAPABLE PERSON, BUT YOUR EXPECTATION THAT I WILL FAIL OR LET YOU DOWN JUST ABOUT ENSURES THE VERY THING YOU WANT TO AVOID - FAILURE TO DO A TASK AND A COMPLETE MELTDOWN AFTERWARDS.
So I stopped him in his tracks. I ignored his stupid comments and dealt with my daughter first. In a rare moment of taking complete control, I said he should wait until I'd dealt with our daughter and that I would come and ask him what he needed from me before we left. I'd had enough of his whining about me being this and that and I just HATE it when he asks something of me and then wants to take it back. I can understand it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I needed to ignore his comments because, justified or not, they were not helping me and at the time, I remember thinking that he seemed like another child, vying for my attention along with the other children.
It felt good, telling him to wait and have him comply, whether he was OK with what I'd said or not. As soon as I'd told him, I was able to ignore his stress and get on with doing what needed to be done. I felt strong and in control.
After that, I took down a list of exactly what needed to be done and then went on my way. I dropped the kids at school, went to the bank, did all that needed to be done and then went to visit the autistic centre. When he called to check on my progress later, I was able to tell him that I was already finished and was on my way to the next thing.
I guess his expectations of me will never change, regardless of my efforts. It's something I have to accept, no matter how different I want it to be. I don't think that just because I got this one particular thing done, that it will change his expectations of me. I think they are hard-wired. He will always, ALWAYS, see doing things with me as difficult. I guess I can't blame him, when I think of all the times he's had to struggle with me to get things done, especially early on in our relationship.
But my question is, if my perspective of him can change after all these years, why can't his?
The past on this issue is one of those unresolvable blurs of life where we remember things differently. I remember trying so hard to give him what I thought he was asking for and failing time and time again. I don't know if what he was asking me to do was reasonable or not. I just know I didn't do it.
For the past few years though, I have tried to do whatever he needs me to do. On time and thoroughly. So yesterdays obvious stress when he asked me to go to the bank and take care of a few things took me a little by surprise. Oh, but wait a minute, yes, that's right, I bailed out on helping him with the Chinese New Year decorations because I just couldn't take his criticism.
I actually don't know if this had anything to do with it, but I thought his obvious stress, compounded by his frustration with the bank, was a little over the top. But he's human and so he's allowed to get stressed.
The thing is, at the same time that he was asking me this, daughter came into the situation with her own stress about lost school equipment and ex started saying, well if you can't do this let me know and I'll deal with it. He said this at least 3 times in the space of a few minutes, all while daughter was having a panic attack about losing her pencil case (and of course, we were a few minutes from having to leave for school).
My point is, he'd given up on me being able to do this before I'd even had a chance to think. STOP PRE-EMPTING MY FAILURES, GODDAMIT. IT DOESN'T FUCKING HELP. I'M A CAPABLE PERSON, BUT YOUR EXPECTATION THAT I WILL FAIL OR LET YOU DOWN JUST ABOUT ENSURES THE VERY THING YOU WANT TO AVOID - FAILURE TO DO A TASK AND A COMPLETE MELTDOWN AFTERWARDS.
So I stopped him in his tracks. I ignored his stupid comments and dealt with my daughter first. In a rare moment of taking complete control, I said he should wait until I'd dealt with our daughter and that I would come and ask him what he needed from me before we left. I'd had enough of his whining about me being this and that and I just HATE it when he asks something of me and then wants to take it back. I can understand it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I needed to ignore his comments because, justified or not, they were not helping me and at the time, I remember thinking that he seemed like another child, vying for my attention along with the other children.
It felt good, telling him to wait and have him comply, whether he was OK with what I'd said or not. As soon as I'd told him, I was able to ignore his stress and get on with doing what needed to be done. I felt strong and in control.
After that, I took down a list of exactly what needed to be done and then went on my way. I dropped the kids at school, went to the bank, did all that needed to be done and then went to visit the autistic centre. When he called to check on my progress later, I was able to tell him that I was already finished and was on my way to the next thing.
I guess his expectations of me will never change, regardless of my efforts. It's something I have to accept, no matter how different I want it to be. I don't think that just because I got this one particular thing done, that it will change his expectations of me. I think they are hard-wired. He will always, ALWAYS, see doing things with me as difficult. I guess I can't blame him, when I think of all the times he's had to struggle with me to get things done, especially early on in our relationship.
But my question is, if my perspective of him can change after all these years, why can't his?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
3 hours
I've got 3 glorious hours to myself and while housework and ironing beckon, I don't think it's going to get done. Ex is out doing our son's visa, kids are at school, students don't arrive til 3.30 and I've got no car, so I can't go out. Gorgeous.
What to do? I can prepare a lesson for Thursday and Friday night's english classes. I can reproduce some colour picture symbols for the autistic centre, like I promised. I can work on my curriculum for my up-coming English class on Saturday mornings (4 confirmed students), I can blog, shower, tidy up, organise, read, nap, watch tv, eat, exercise, play games on my computer.
So many choices. How lucky am I?
What to do? I can prepare a lesson for Thursday and Friday night's english classes. I can reproduce some colour picture symbols for the autistic centre, like I promised. I can work on my curriculum for my up-coming English class on Saturday mornings (4 confirmed students), I can blog, shower, tidy up, organise, read, nap, watch tv, eat, exercise, play games on my computer.
So many choices. How lucky am I?
Monday, January 12, 2009
I feel like such a failure.
As far as my feeling go, I'm back at square one. For a very long time in our relationship, I felt like this huge failure, unable to handle the things that ex wanted, or felt like he had to say to me. To me, it felt like a constant stream of criticism, to him, it was just things that needed to be said. I don't know which one of us had the accurate perpective, and I don't care. Our past will be different to both of us, never reconciled.
Now as CNY looms not too far away, I find myself right back where I was all those years ago. I don't feel good enough, my efforts are not good enough. I can't seem to do anything right. It makes me nervous so I try harder and I make things worse. I stutter, say stupid things out of context (or so I'm told), I'm this and that and I do this and that, none of it good. He rolls his eyes and sighs and says he has to block it out. I just make his life worse. I'm left standing there, a huge blot on his life.
I feel like a child who hasn't lived up to her parents expectations. He asked me to help him with the chinese new year decorations - can you make some small ones out of the red packets so I can hang them up. I made some small lanterns, fish and shells. Easy stuff that anyone can do. I made a figure 8 that I'd seen on the internet. I thought it was OK. He sort of groaned when he saw it. He wants to light the lanterns with glow sticks - it's too hard to get the whole thing together the way he wants it. So I try to give him alternatives, try it this way, but then it won't do that blah, blah. He stuttered or mumbled like I was being so difficult and lay down on the couch and closed his eyes.
That was it for me. I left the room saying, I don't think I can do this for you, and almost dissolved into tears. It's so hard to do things for him and he says it's so hard to get me to do things for him. I never understand what he wants, though I try hard to. He can't seem to talk to me easily, what with the past baggage blocking the way. Most of the time he ends up telling me what I am, am not, what I do and don't do and my insides end up shredded. I can't be in the same room as him, when he's talking to me that way. I actually thought that I'd be able to handle it, but I was wrong - dead wrong. It took about 1 second after he started talking for me to feel like an inadequate, pathetic idiot - not that he used any of those words OR meant to make me feel that way. But I do.
I want to say to him, no! I don't want to help you because you know if I do, we'll fight, because I always do it the wrong way, or don't understand what you want. And I can't handle the things you say to me. I JUST CAN'T. So, please leave me be to stuff up my own life, to look after the kids, to make mistakes that don't affect you. Leave me alone, so I can do my own thing, with my own friends, who accept all my faults and who will ask questions of me if they don't understand what I'm talking about. Who won't tell me about how I speak or think or do things, to the point where I'm completely tangled and the only thing that calms me is a TRANQUILISER.
PLEASE DON'T ASK ME TO HELP YOU. I WANT TO, I'M OBLIGATED TO, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'LL GET WHAT YOU WANT. AND IF YOU DON'T, THE COST IS TOO HIGH.
I'm just SO tired. and the 5 chocolates I've just eaten, aren't helping. That's life, I'll be back soon.
Now as CNY looms not too far away, I find myself right back where I was all those years ago. I don't feel good enough, my efforts are not good enough. I can't seem to do anything right. It makes me nervous so I try harder and I make things worse. I stutter, say stupid things out of context (or so I'm told), I'm this and that and I do this and that, none of it good. He rolls his eyes and sighs and says he has to block it out. I just make his life worse. I'm left standing there, a huge blot on his life.
I feel like a child who hasn't lived up to her parents expectations. He asked me to help him with the chinese new year decorations - can you make some small ones out of the red packets so I can hang them up. I made some small lanterns, fish and shells. Easy stuff that anyone can do. I made a figure 8 that I'd seen on the internet. I thought it was OK. He sort of groaned when he saw it. He wants to light the lanterns with glow sticks - it's too hard to get the whole thing together the way he wants it. So I try to give him alternatives, try it this way, but then it won't do that blah, blah. He stuttered or mumbled like I was being so difficult and lay down on the couch and closed his eyes.
That was it for me. I left the room saying, I don't think I can do this for you, and almost dissolved into tears. It's so hard to do things for him and he says it's so hard to get me to do things for him. I never understand what he wants, though I try hard to. He can't seem to talk to me easily, what with the past baggage blocking the way. Most of the time he ends up telling me what I am, am not, what I do and don't do and my insides end up shredded. I can't be in the same room as him, when he's talking to me that way. I actually thought that I'd be able to handle it, but I was wrong - dead wrong. It took about 1 second after he started talking for me to feel like an inadequate, pathetic idiot - not that he used any of those words OR meant to make me feel that way. But I do.
I want to say to him, no! I don't want to help you because you know if I do, we'll fight, because I always do it the wrong way, or don't understand what you want. And I can't handle the things you say to me. I JUST CAN'T. So, please leave me be to stuff up my own life, to look after the kids, to make mistakes that don't affect you. Leave me alone, so I can do my own thing, with my own friends, who accept all my faults and who will ask questions of me if they don't understand what I'm talking about. Who won't tell me about how I speak or think or do things, to the point where I'm completely tangled and the only thing that calms me is a TRANQUILISER.
PLEASE DON'T ASK ME TO HELP YOU. I WANT TO, I'M OBLIGATED TO, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'LL GET WHAT YOU WANT. AND IF YOU DON'T, THE COST IS TOO HIGH.
I'm just SO tired. and the 5 chocolates I've just eaten, aren't helping. That's life, I'll be back soon.
Friday, January 9, 2009
On Shaky Ground
Well, the week has passed with no hiccups at school and all school related crisis' deftly avoided by a quick thinking parent - forgotten homework, lost pencils, broken stationary, bags that are too small and broke on the first day anyway, toothbrush, cup and small kiddie sized toothpaste needed - today, all dealt with. Tomorrow is the weekend, which I'm looking forward to and I don't want to go to work tonight, but I know I will be better off for it.
This week I've also been inclined to stay indoors, not venture out much, just stay home and rest or do some housework. I don't want to be out there, I just don't, but I know I need to be. I did want to take son to school and to be there for him, but for the rest of it, I didn't really care.
Talking to ex is hard again. I've become more defensive, which makes what he says difficult to hear. I don't know why I've become defensive and agitated, but I have. You know that feeling where you think you need, have a right, to stick up for yourself and yet, you can't? I have that feeling and it's getting me down.
At Christmas I am coming back to Australia. I want to come for at least 4 weeks. Ex doesnt' want me to go for any more than 3. It doesn't seem that there's much difference between the two, but there is and I want my way. Damn it. I deserve it. The kids want it. Why CAN'T we have what we want, it's not that much?
I'll tell you why. Because going home is always an emotional minefield and he wants to keep things on an even keel. When I came home last time, I was a mess for about 3 weeks. He knows it's fraught with danger and he doesn't think I'll handle it well. And, he's afraid the whole trip will turn into an Australia vs Malaysia slanging match. ie Australia is better (and it is) and that after the trip, all three of us will be miserable. And if I play up that Australia is better, that we would be happier there,we will be (miserable). So I won't (and don't) do that. It doesn't help.
I have to emphasise that our life here is good, that we get to do things here that we wouldn't get to do in Australia, despite my feelings that our life in oz would be better. A friend emphasised that fact that here, they have their father and in Oz, they wouldn't. That's a huge difference. And it's the one single difference that makes it imperative that we stay here - for a while anyway.
When I read this back, I find myself wanting ex to come back with us, not for me or us, but for them. Single parenting is difficult. I've seen it etched on the faces of single mums around where I live, I saw how hard it was for friends and some relatives. Co-parenting is not ideal, but it's better than not having the father around at all.
Thinking and writing about the future, I find again that I'm at a point where I have to really make the effort to live in the now and to do that, I've got to virtually dismiss the future - that is, not invest any thoughts in it at all.
That might seem a little drastic, but it's necessary. Living in the present affords us all mindspace - it gives you space to concentrate on the now. The future will take care of itself, it really will. Though we can influence it to a certain degree, we can't predict what will happen. So there's no point speculating on what may or may not happen. Living for now, we can focus and give our all to those things that need our full attention - our kids, the next meal, our jobs, helping other people who are worse off.
That's what I need to do, so away with you ego, let me do what I need to do!
This week I've also been inclined to stay indoors, not venture out much, just stay home and rest or do some housework. I don't want to be out there, I just don't, but I know I need to be. I did want to take son to school and to be there for him, but for the rest of it, I didn't really care.
Talking to ex is hard again. I've become more defensive, which makes what he says difficult to hear. I don't know why I've become defensive and agitated, but I have. You know that feeling where you think you need, have a right, to stick up for yourself and yet, you can't? I have that feeling and it's getting me down.
At Christmas I am coming back to Australia. I want to come for at least 4 weeks. Ex doesnt' want me to go for any more than 3. It doesn't seem that there's much difference between the two, but there is and I want my way. Damn it. I deserve it. The kids want it. Why CAN'T we have what we want, it's not that much?
I'll tell you why. Because going home is always an emotional minefield and he wants to keep things on an even keel. When I came home last time, I was a mess for about 3 weeks. He knows it's fraught with danger and he doesn't think I'll handle it well. And, he's afraid the whole trip will turn into an Australia vs Malaysia slanging match. ie Australia is better (and it is) and that after the trip, all three of us will be miserable. And if I play up that Australia is better, that we would be happier there,we will be (miserable). So I won't (and don't) do that. It doesn't help.
I have to emphasise that our life here is good, that we get to do things here that we wouldn't get to do in Australia, despite my feelings that our life in oz would be better. A friend emphasised that fact that here, they have their father and in Oz, they wouldn't. That's a huge difference. And it's the one single difference that makes it imperative that we stay here - for a while anyway.
When I read this back, I find myself wanting ex to come back with us, not for me or us, but for them. Single parenting is difficult. I've seen it etched on the faces of single mums around where I live, I saw how hard it was for friends and some relatives. Co-parenting is not ideal, but it's better than not having the father around at all.
Thinking and writing about the future, I find again that I'm at a point where I have to really make the effort to live in the now and to do that, I've got to virtually dismiss the future - that is, not invest any thoughts in it at all.
That might seem a little drastic, but it's necessary. Living in the present affords us all mindspace - it gives you space to concentrate on the now. The future will take care of itself, it really will. Though we can influence it to a certain degree, we can't predict what will happen. So there's no point speculating on what may or may not happen. Living for now, we can focus and give our all to those things that need our full attention - our kids, the next meal, our jobs, helping other people who are worse off.
That's what I need to do, so away with you ego, let me do what I need to do!
Monday, January 5, 2009
uh-oh
It's 5am on the morning of the day where both my children will start school together. I wish I could say that I'm up early because of the excitement. I'm not. I'm up late, thoroughly entrenched in my ego and worrying about our finances.
According to Eckhart Tolle, 'Finances', good or otherwise are considered content and the ego always identifies with the content of the mind. He says if we step back from the content, and just see it for what it is, then we will be able to attain some kind of peaceful mind. That's my very simple understanding at the moment anyway.
But it's difficult to step back. Ex did the books for the pub for December and he's running at a small, but not insignificant loss. We've got some money still, probably enough cash for 2 months worth of expenses, 3 if we really tighten up. So he's looking at other options, but in this global economic downturn, options are few.
Ex's skills lie in problem solving. He's really, really good at solving technical problems. He's a programmer by trade, self taught rather than qualified. He wanted to go back to programming a while ago, but the people he approached (a partner in some software he wrote) said no and ended up buying him out instead. That money is almost gone and is what we've been living on for the better part of the last year.
He's been offered a number of opportunities but according to him, none of them worthwhile, until this pub offer came along. So he's taken that but it's not looking viable. His staff (2 girls who serve the customers) have proven to be problematic and one actually quit on New Years Eve while she was high on something. He was going to downgrade her to part time anyway because she wasn't doing her job properly. The other girl is quite good but lately she's been having 'personal' problems too. Doesn't sound good to me.
Ex was talking to me about this and ways to increase his income just yesterday and was toying with the idea of marketing himself as a technical/business consultant whose speciality is solving problems - tech, logistical, system problems, that sort of thing. It sounded good to me and I tried to be positive and supportive. He also talked about getting his web site going again, a community based forum type web site. It's been there for years now but he's never really done much with it, so he's thinking people could advertise their businesses there and come and find out all the news etc. I thought doing the two things together sounded feasible but today he seems to have changed his mind and wants to concentrate just on the web site as well as getting our amazon.com affiliate site going again - I'll tell you about that next blog entry.
Oh-no! I don't think it's feasible, but I'm too scared to say so because then he'll think I'm being negative. I think I'm being realistic. I can't see how he's going to generate enough cash by doing this. I don't think, in this low tech town, people will see the need to advertise on an unknown web site, especially when Malaysia is on the brink of a recession (or so I've heard). Stuff like this take ages to build up and we've got 2 months at the most, if he gets going today! The amazon.com thing is another thing that's not guaranteed - we once earned a lot of money from that site, then Google changed it's search algorithm and that was it (it's a long story). The waterfall turned to a trickle and has never been the same since. That's what our main income was supposed to be when we moved here, but it wasn't to be.
So the whole point of this blog entry is - what if the money runs out? Then what! The ONLY option that I can see is for me to come back and start teaching. I can teach here, but there's only so much money I can make - probably about 2K if I work full time. And that's not enough.
So now I'm thinking - JUST LET ME TAKE THE KIDS AND GO HOME!!!!!! At least I can get government subsidies to help me. At least I can work for a worthwhile salary AND pay some money into my very small Super fund. At least I'll have family around that can help me! Blah, blah blah and on it goes, around in my head, the ego perpetuatng the victim scenario, which it loves so much.
Yes, it's hard to see this situation as 'it just is', when down the track, all I can see are empty bank accounts. Time to sleep and think positive, I hope.
According to Eckhart Tolle, 'Finances', good or otherwise are considered content and the ego always identifies with the content of the mind. He says if we step back from the content, and just see it for what it is, then we will be able to attain some kind of peaceful mind. That's my very simple understanding at the moment anyway.
But it's difficult to step back. Ex did the books for the pub for December and he's running at a small, but not insignificant loss. We've got some money still, probably enough cash for 2 months worth of expenses, 3 if we really tighten up. So he's looking at other options, but in this global economic downturn, options are few.
Ex's skills lie in problem solving. He's really, really good at solving technical problems. He's a programmer by trade, self taught rather than qualified. He wanted to go back to programming a while ago, but the people he approached (a partner in some software he wrote) said no and ended up buying him out instead. That money is almost gone and is what we've been living on for the better part of the last year.
He's been offered a number of opportunities but according to him, none of them worthwhile, until this pub offer came along. So he's taken that but it's not looking viable. His staff (2 girls who serve the customers) have proven to be problematic and one actually quit on New Years Eve while she was high on something. He was going to downgrade her to part time anyway because she wasn't doing her job properly. The other girl is quite good but lately she's been having 'personal' problems too. Doesn't sound good to me.
Ex was talking to me about this and ways to increase his income just yesterday and was toying with the idea of marketing himself as a technical/business consultant whose speciality is solving problems - tech, logistical, system problems, that sort of thing. It sounded good to me and I tried to be positive and supportive. He also talked about getting his web site going again, a community based forum type web site. It's been there for years now but he's never really done much with it, so he's thinking people could advertise their businesses there and come and find out all the news etc. I thought doing the two things together sounded feasible but today he seems to have changed his mind and wants to concentrate just on the web site as well as getting our amazon.com affiliate site going again - I'll tell you about that next blog entry.
Oh-no! I don't think it's feasible, but I'm too scared to say so because then he'll think I'm being negative. I think I'm being realistic. I can't see how he's going to generate enough cash by doing this. I don't think, in this low tech town, people will see the need to advertise on an unknown web site, especially when Malaysia is on the brink of a recession (or so I've heard). Stuff like this take ages to build up and we've got 2 months at the most, if he gets going today! The amazon.com thing is another thing that's not guaranteed - we once earned a lot of money from that site, then Google changed it's search algorithm and that was it (it's a long story). The waterfall turned to a trickle and has never been the same since. That's what our main income was supposed to be when we moved here, but it wasn't to be.
So the whole point of this blog entry is - what if the money runs out? Then what! The ONLY option that I can see is for me to come back and start teaching. I can teach here, but there's only so much money I can make - probably about 2K if I work full time. And that's not enough.
So now I'm thinking - JUST LET ME TAKE THE KIDS AND GO HOME!!!!!! At least I can get government subsidies to help me. At least I can work for a worthwhile salary AND pay some money into my very small Super fund. At least I'll have family around that can help me! Blah, blah blah and on it goes, around in my head, the ego perpetuatng the victim scenario, which it loves so much.
Yes, it's hard to see this situation as 'it just is', when down the track, all I can see are empty bank accounts. Time to sleep and think positive, I hope.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
School starting
On Monday, school starts for the kids. It's stressing me, but I've just got to be as organised as I can, because I don't want it to be a stress for them. It's son's first year. Daughter is entering grade 3. Uniforms are ready, shoes are ready, enrollment is complete (yesterday's task). School is different here. Apart from the fact that it's a chinese school, there are other things that set it apart.
The homework. Even at this young age, the kids take home 2 - 3 hours of homework each night. I will have to coach them through 1 - 2 hours at night and then complete the rest in the morning before they go to school at 1pm. Sometimes it will be less, sometimes more. In a few weeks, they will have a weeks holiday for Chinese New Year and then attend School on the Saturdays following to make up for the missed days. As it is, the teachers have trouble getting through the enitre curriculum within the year, evidenced by the rush of homework in the last few weeks of school.
Behaviour and other standards. The students are hit with a ruler (not too hard) if they misbehave, miss homework or break some other rule. I'm not worried about my girl, but my boy is different. I worry that his extroverted personality will get him into trouble and be dampened. I know I shouldn't pre-judge, so we'll see what happens.
The toilets. They stink and clean is not a word I would use to describe them. I'm glad both my kids know how to wash their hands thoroughly.
The Teachers. They mean well, but could use a more modern approach when disciplining their charges. I don't think they are well trained in classroom management. Some are known for being late in attending their classes. leaving the kids to sit there on their own, talking loudly and running around. My daughter has often complained about the noise.
Morning and afternoon sessions. I'm lucky this year that both my kids are going in the afternoon session. The older kids attend in the morning, from 7.30 to 12.50. A few days a week, they are required to attend compulsory tuition at the school which means they could be at school for up to 10 hours or more. My daughter will have this tuition 2 days a week, I think. I hope she can cope. I will have to cope with this idea and think about the big picture ie, we are here together as a family and we will cope with this experience just like other families do. Can you tell I'm not happy with this? No, I'm not, at all.
Bags. Trolley bags to be precise. The kids here carry around all their exercise books, activity books, text books and pencils etc. Unlike Australia, each kid has their own set of books and they don't have lockers or anything to put them in. There's no room in the classrooms because there are so many kids.
Classes of 40. I think my son's class has 41 kids in it. Heartbreaking. So many kids, the teacher can only give them so much attention. When I taught in a primary school, 32 was considered high. 41. I will not dwell on this number, instead choosing to remind him that he will make many friends. He doesn't know any different anyway. Im glad he doesn't. He misses being in Australia as it is.
So that's my school gripe. I hope I can cope. I will cope, I will damn it. If I can't, they won't, so I will have to.
The homework. Even at this young age, the kids take home 2 - 3 hours of homework each night. I will have to coach them through 1 - 2 hours at night and then complete the rest in the morning before they go to school at 1pm. Sometimes it will be less, sometimes more. In a few weeks, they will have a weeks holiday for Chinese New Year and then attend School on the Saturdays following to make up for the missed days. As it is, the teachers have trouble getting through the enitre curriculum within the year, evidenced by the rush of homework in the last few weeks of school.
Behaviour and other standards. The students are hit with a ruler (not too hard) if they misbehave, miss homework or break some other rule. I'm not worried about my girl, but my boy is different. I worry that his extroverted personality will get him into trouble and be dampened. I know I shouldn't pre-judge, so we'll see what happens.
The toilets. They stink and clean is not a word I would use to describe them. I'm glad both my kids know how to wash their hands thoroughly.
The Teachers. They mean well, but could use a more modern approach when disciplining their charges. I don't think they are well trained in classroom management. Some are known for being late in attending their classes. leaving the kids to sit there on their own, talking loudly and running around. My daughter has often complained about the noise.
Morning and afternoon sessions. I'm lucky this year that both my kids are going in the afternoon session. The older kids attend in the morning, from 7.30 to 12.50. A few days a week, they are required to attend compulsory tuition at the school which means they could be at school for up to 10 hours or more. My daughter will have this tuition 2 days a week, I think. I hope she can cope. I will have to cope with this idea and think about the big picture ie, we are here together as a family and we will cope with this experience just like other families do. Can you tell I'm not happy with this? No, I'm not, at all.
Bags. Trolley bags to be precise. The kids here carry around all their exercise books, activity books, text books and pencils etc. Unlike Australia, each kid has their own set of books and they don't have lockers or anything to put them in. There's no room in the classrooms because there are so many kids.
Classes of 40. I think my son's class has 41 kids in it. Heartbreaking. So many kids, the teacher can only give them so much attention. When I taught in a primary school, 32 was considered high. 41. I will not dwell on this number, instead choosing to remind him that he will make many friends. He doesn't know any different anyway. Im glad he doesn't. He misses being in Australia as it is.
So that's my school gripe. I hope I can cope. I will cope, I will damn it. If I can't, they won't, so I will have to.
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