Firstly, I must thank Mr Scorpio who has been reading my blog and collecting 'evidence' that shows that ex previously accepted that the kids would eventually come home with me and has advised that I remind ex of the things he said on the days he said them. I'm compiling these little snippets into a separate blog post which I may or may not publish. He also reads through all my shit and reminds me of how far I've come.
So to you: THANKYOU! I will answer your email soon too.
It's a quiet Sunday today, just me and the boy are home. The girl is a at a 3hour rehearsal for a dance performance in a couple of weeks and ex is at the office, sans kids, who he said he wanted to take 'every Sunday and Tuesday.
I don't know if in the future he will get back to taking them to the office to spend time with them. He has only taken them once since he insisted on this new routine and that was the Sunday around the time of the last fight we had when he walked out. Hmmm. So much for that. When I asked him about it, he said that now it's not so urgent because I seemed happier and that he was doing it to give me some time to myself because he thought I needed it.
I don't think so. I think he was doing it because he was angry with me.
He said he wanted holidays with the kids. I gave it to him. He hasn't taken them on a holiday by himself yet. His initial plan was to send me and kids to KL for a few days and then from there pick up the kids and take them to either Cameron Highlands or Fraser's Hill, where it's cool and quiet. I was supposed to either get myself home or stay on with friends for a few more days. However, he didn't seem to get that organised so while we are going to KL (organised by me), they are not going to the hills. Instead he said he was leaning towards doing some day trips with them, either to an elephant sanctuary near KL or Malacca or Johor Baru. We'll see what happens - oh yes, and I can come along if I want to!
We'll see what happens.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Blogger problems
Blogger has been a real shit lately and not just for me. But my problem is this: when I look at my published page I see
"contributors:
jo_blue
jo_blue"
on the side bar. I should be seeing my profile there but it's not coming up and this "contributors" thing is in it's place.
Question: What do you see? My profile or the contributors list?
Thanks.
"contributors:
jo_blue
jo_blue"
on the side bar. I should be seeing my profile there but it's not coming up and this "contributors" thing is in it's place.
Question: What do you see? My profile or the contributors list?
Thanks.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Technology's a bitch, maybe my expectations are too high.
Arrgh, I've got a mess in my head, but these days it doesn't take much. My technology isn't working and I can't fix it myself and I get so impatient.
The iPad is great but it's most useful when it is connected to the internet and my internet is not great at the moment, so neither is the 'Pad. While I'm typing happily on my pc, the stupid thing is working in some parts and not others. Why isn't it connecting to the apps store when it can load the newspaper? Why is Flipboard not loading pages but giving me scraps of information? Why can't I password protect the Notes and Gmail apps so I can write but keep it hidden from the three other people who use this thing?
When it's working properly, I can download apps that will let me slash fruit to my hearts desire, launch Angry birds at other bird cages to free them, pat and play with 3 virtual pets and tap a bunch of frogs. ???
Why did I want this thing? Well actually I didn't but you know the story behind that. Now that I have it I just need to make it useful. And that will probably take some time. But that's another story.
The worst thing today is MY PHONE IS BROKEN!!!
I can hear people but they can't hear me. Trouble is, I don't know how to fix these things. I've asked ex if he can look at it tonight because during the last few months, he's turned into Mr Handyman as a way to help himself out of his funk and to learn new skills. I hope he can reattach the mic or whatever because I love my phone. I've had it since 2007 and it's never let me down. I don't want to buy a new one since this one is just right for me and I know it well.
But anyhow, I'm just having a bitch.
"The plan" is going OK. I'm acting happy and it's having a positive affect on ex. Since the fight, we've both been 'happy' - it's like the fights never happened - bizarro. He's being accomodating and I've been able to match that. Today he has the car which I offered to him because son is home sick and I couldn't go anywhere anyway. When he's here I swan around smiling, cooking, doing domestic, taking his 'advice' to do things better/differently in my stride - I've never been good at that and he (understandably) takes it personally.
We had an interesting conversation yesterday night about expectations and so forth. He's learning that just because you expect something of someone, doesn't mean you'll always get it. People are not always going to do what you expect of them and you have to let that go. He's trying to be more patient with the kids, especially his son who is about as far away from what ex expects that you can get. He's learning to tolerate the faults of others and change his reaction from one of stress to one of letting go. Good for him, though I wish he'd learned this long ago.
He talked about standards - how far can you go in setting standards for other people. Of course it depends on how close they are to you. What are the deal breakers for a relationship - I obviously had a number of things he couldn't tolerate any more. Cutting him off during a conversation, making it all about me, not giving back in the way he expected etc, were things that for him, became intolerable because he never felt appreciated or heard. One of the biggest things for him was my resistance to change - if he wanted to make something better, I'd fight him over it because I didn't think change was necessary or didn't want it, so we'd argue over things like losing car keys, switching off the lights - stupid things that never should have become an issue. Of course, this is a very small part of the big picture of what happened and really, I don't care anymore because it's confusing and demoralising to think about it.
While we were talking though, I felt a sense of awareness come over me. I had to really concentrate on what he was saying in order not to cut him off to turn the conversation around to what I thought about an issue. And this is part of the plan - to talk with him but give him space to speak so that he at least gets whatever it is, out into the open. He's often accused me of 'cutting him down' and he never felt like he could have the space to speak his mind, so I really made an effort of just letting him speak. After he'd finished, he went off to his room. There was no option to voice my opinion which normally, would be awful, but I know by now that mine doesn't really count so I don't expect to be able to voice it - because then I'd be cutting him off.
That brings us back to expectations - don't raise your expectations and you won't get disappointed.
I didn't and I wasn't.
So be it.
The iPad is great but it's most useful when it is connected to the internet and my internet is not great at the moment, so neither is the 'Pad. While I'm typing happily on my pc, the stupid thing is working in some parts and not others. Why isn't it connecting to the apps store when it can load the newspaper? Why is Flipboard not loading pages but giving me scraps of information? Why can't I password protect the Notes and Gmail apps so I can write but keep it hidden from the three other people who use this thing?
When it's working properly, I can download apps that will let me slash fruit to my hearts desire, launch Angry birds at other bird cages to free them, pat and play with 3 virtual pets and tap a bunch of frogs. ???
Why did I want this thing? Well actually I didn't but you know the story behind that. Now that I have it I just need to make it useful. And that will probably take some time. But that's another story.
The worst thing today is MY PHONE IS BROKEN!!!
I can hear people but they can't hear me. Trouble is, I don't know how to fix these things. I've asked ex if he can look at it tonight because during the last few months, he's turned into Mr Handyman as a way to help himself out of his funk and to learn new skills. I hope he can reattach the mic or whatever because I love my phone. I've had it since 2007 and it's never let me down. I don't want to buy a new one since this one is just right for me and I know it well.
But anyhow, I'm just having a bitch.
"The plan" is going OK. I'm acting happy and it's having a positive affect on ex. Since the fight, we've both been 'happy' - it's like the fights never happened - bizarro. He's being accomodating and I've been able to match that. Today he has the car which I offered to him because son is home sick and I couldn't go anywhere anyway. When he's here I swan around smiling, cooking, doing domestic, taking his 'advice' to do things better/differently in my stride - I've never been good at that and he (understandably) takes it personally.
We had an interesting conversation yesterday night about expectations and so forth. He's learning that just because you expect something of someone, doesn't mean you'll always get it. People are not always going to do what you expect of them and you have to let that go. He's trying to be more patient with the kids, especially his son who is about as far away from what ex expects that you can get. He's learning to tolerate the faults of others and change his reaction from one of stress to one of letting go. Good for him, though I wish he'd learned this long ago.
He talked about standards - how far can you go in setting standards for other people. Of course it depends on how close they are to you. What are the deal breakers for a relationship - I obviously had a number of things he couldn't tolerate any more. Cutting him off during a conversation, making it all about me, not giving back in the way he expected etc, were things that for him, became intolerable because he never felt appreciated or heard. One of the biggest things for him was my resistance to change - if he wanted to make something better, I'd fight him over it because I didn't think change was necessary or didn't want it, so we'd argue over things like losing car keys, switching off the lights - stupid things that never should have become an issue. Of course, this is a very small part of the big picture of what happened and really, I don't care anymore because it's confusing and demoralising to think about it.
While we were talking though, I felt a sense of awareness come over me. I had to really concentrate on what he was saying in order not to cut him off to turn the conversation around to what I thought about an issue. And this is part of the plan - to talk with him but give him space to speak so that he at least gets whatever it is, out into the open. He's often accused me of 'cutting him down' and he never felt like he could have the space to speak his mind, so I really made an effort of just letting him speak. After he'd finished, he went off to his room. There was no option to voice my opinion which normally, would be awful, but I know by now that mine doesn't really count so I don't expect to be able to voice it - because then I'd be cutting him off.
That brings us back to expectations - don't raise your expectations and you won't get disappointed.
I didn't and I wasn't.
So be it.
Monday, May 23, 2011
An iPad will make your life better
Or so says my son. IT arrived today. The universe was looking out for me today and delivered my iPad after I'd showered and dressed and before I had to leave to pick up the kids from school.
It was solidly boxed and perfectly presented. I took it out, worked out how to use it and off I went. And then the kids got hold of it and I didn't see it for a while.
It's smooth, it's shiny and it's the latest thing and despite who gave it to me, I love it. The screen is gorgeous, the cameras are mediocre but loads of fun, youtube works, it collects mail, you can write stuff on it and there are ebooks to read - classics and other things that I've never read, which will now fill my days.
It's got games too, loads of time wasting games, translators, cookbooks, yoga apps and other apps I never thought I'd need. The cover that arrived two weeks back fits like a glove and switches it on and off whenever you open/close it.
And I can't give it back, when I leave, for one reason and only one reason - on the back, in a small neat font, is my name. The name I was born with, not my stupid married name. The name I'm going to keep forever and never change again.
So it's mine forever.
It was solidly boxed and perfectly presented. I took it out, worked out how to use it and off I went. And then the kids got hold of it and I didn't see it for a while.
It's smooth, it's shiny and it's the latest thing and despite who gave it to me, I love it. The screen is gorgeous, the cameras are mediocre but loads of fun, youtube works, it collects mail, you can write stuff on it and there are ebooks to read - classics and other things that I've never read, which will now fill my days.
It's got games too, loads of time wasting games, translators, cookbooks, yoga apps and other apps I never thought I'd need. The cover that arrived two weeks back fits like a glove and switches it on and off whenever you open/close it.
And I can't give it back, when I leave, for one reason and only one reason - on the back, in a small neat font, is my name. The name I was born with, not my stupid married name. The name I'm going to keep forever and never change again.
So it's mine forever.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Is it really psychological warfare?
He said I could fight for it. Stated it outright that he knows I will fight for what I want, not because I think it's in the kids best interests, but just because I want what I want. It was almost like a dare. I hate dares. They're scary.
I usually back down in cases like this - a dare is like a warning - you do this and I'll do that. He said if I do that he will tell the kids the truth - what this exactly is I don't quite know. Probably it will be something along the lines of me being selfish and wanting what I want without further consideration for the needs of others - because that's how selfish I am!
At the moment, the plan is to fight. My doctor called it 'psychological warfare' - a mind game between ex and me which I must win if I am to give my kids the education they deserve - the education that anyone else would jump miles for.
As the first part of my plan to get stronger, fitter and be better prepared, I went to see my doctor today. Multivitamins, double strength anti-histamine (the allergy in my hands has been triggered by stress and leaves me unable to sleep) and of course, some xanax.
My second step was to start some exercise, but in my eagerness, I failed to realise that my mind is stronger than my extremely unfit body and I promptly pulled a calf muscle while doing some 'at-home cardio'. So I hauled myself and the kids off to the pool instead and did some swimming. TICK.
Step three: Establish an objective.
BRING THE KIDS HOME
This was done in conjunction with my lovely doctor who is no longer ex's doctor. The doc said that ex hasn't been to see him in some time and the reason was that the doctor KNOWS him and can strip him bare - ie ex can't play mind games with the dr. A more simple explanation would be that the doctor doesn't agree with what ex wants and so he went a found someone who would. Whatever the reason, the doctor whole-heartedly agreed with me that the kids would be better off getting an education in their home country. He said I must stay focussed on only one thing, a single, simple objective: BRING THE KIDS HOME. He said it over a few times, looking at me intently so I got the message and even made me repeat it. I think I can safely add him to the list of people on TEAM-JO.
Step 4: Commit to gathering resources.
I will no longer be using my fees as part of the grocery money. Instead I will keep them to myself and save for whatever it is that I need. I will ask him for whatever money I need. In one month, I can save about RM 800. At the end of the year, it won't be that much, but it will be something if I need to get tickets or whatever else.
Step 5: Act it out
I won't be of use to anyone, let alone myself if I stay angry and stressed. Yesterday ex did a really good job of playing the happy dad and I met him at his standard. I acted happy and ex responded with equal amounts of chipperness. Despite the appalling weekend, we were 'happy families' once again which allowed us both to interact on a civil level.
Step 6:
Keep a record of the things ex says and does, which are strange, threatening, reasonable or just plain odd.
Number 1 on the list here is the 'notepad incident'. He wrote KIM!! Don't fuck with my family! When I confronted him about it, he first got angry that I'd read it (he'd left it in plain sight) and then said he hadn't even thought about it since he'd written it down! Huh! To me it looked like he meant to call her and tell her to stay the fuck out of our family business, but according to him, no it was just a note he'd written to himself. OK then.
I feel like I'm planning conspiracies here and I feel a little guilty about not having any faith that he'll do the right thing. But I'm sick of it. He's not proving himself to be reliable. His ideas and wants are fluid according to how good he is feeling and I can't afford to 'go with the flow' as it were. I need something solid to stand on so I must construct it myself.
Hence, the plan. If he knew and he was on my side, he'd be proud. He was always saying I should plan things.
And now I am.
So that's the progress so far.
I usually back down in cases like this - a dare is like a warning - you do this and I'll do that. He said if I do that he will tell the kids the truth - what this exactly is I don't quite know. Probably it will be something along the lines of me being selfish and wanting what I want without further consideration for the needs of others - because that's how selfish I am!
At the moment, the plan is to fight. My doctor called it 'psychological warfare' - a mind game between ex and me which I must win if I am to give my kids the education they deserve - the education that anyone else would jump miles for.
As the first part of my plan to get stronger, fitter and be better prepared, I went to see my doctor today. Multivitamins, double strength anti-histamine (the allergy in my hands has been triggered by stress and leaves me unable to sleep) and of course, some xanax.
My second step was to start some exercise, but in my eagerness, I failed to realise that my mind is stronger than my extremely unfit body and I promptly pulled a calf muscle while doing some 'at-home cardio'. So I hauled myself and the kids off to the pool instead and did some swimming. TICK.
Step three: Establish an objective.
BRING THE KIDS HOME
This was done in conjunction with my lovely doctor who is no longer ex's doctor. The doc said that ex hasn't been to see him in some time and the reason was that the doctor KNOWS him and can strip him bare - ie ex can't play mind games with the dr. A more simple explanation would be that the doctor doesn't agree with what ex wants and so he went a found someone who would. Whatever the reason, the doctor whole-heartedly agreed with me that the kids would be better off getting an education in their home country. He said I must stay focussed on only one thing, a single, simple objective: BRING THE KIDS HOME. He said it over a few times, looking at me intently so I got the message and even made me repeat it. I think I can safely add him to the list of people on TEAM-JO.
Step 4: Commit to gathering resources.
I will no longer be using my fees as part of the grocery money. Instead I will keep them to myself and save for whatever it is that I need. I will ask him for whatever money I need. In one month, I can save about RM 800. At the end of the year, it won't be that much, but it will be something if I need to get tickets or whatever else.
Step 5: Act it out
I won't be of use to anyone, let alone myself if I stay angry and stressed. Yesterday ex did a really good job of playing the happy dad and I met him at his standard. I acted happy and ex responded with equal amounts of chipperness. Despite the appalling weekend, we were 'happy families' once again which allowed us both to interact on a civil level.
Step 6:
Keep a record of the things ex says and does, which are strange, threatening, reasonable or just plain odd.
Number 1 on the list here is the 'notepad incident'. He wrote KIM!! Don't fuck with my family! When I confronted him about it, he first got angry that I'd read it (he'd left it in plain sight) and then said he hadn't even thought about it since he'd written it down! Huh! To me it looked like he meant to call her and tell her to stay the fuck out of our family business, but according to him, no it was just a note he'd written to himself. OK then.
I feel like I'm planning conspiracies here and I feel a little guilty about not having any faith that he'll do the right thing. But I'm sick of it. He's not proving himself to be reliable. His ideas and wants are fluid according to how good he is feeling and I can't afford to 'go with the flow' as it were. I need something solid to stand on so I must construct it myself.
Hence, the plan. If he knew and he was on my side, he'd be proud. He was always saying I should plan things.
And now I am.
So that's the progress so far.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
From bad to worse followed by a complete turnaround.
It has literally gone from bad to worse. The tension has increased and on Sunday night heated words exchanged. We don't often have a heated argument but when we do, the experience is unnerving, to say the least. It ended with ex storming out and spending the night and all of the following day and night at the office. When we are together, it's not intentional but we compete for the children's attention - I'm sure he thinks that it is instigated by me, but I can see him doing it as well. He's convinced that I'm making up 'conspiracy theories' about his behaviour and that I think he wants to take them away from me. He thinks I want to take them away from him. We are at an impossible junction in this impossible situation. It's doing my head in.
But space and time and thinking have allowed things to calm a little before the next storm. It's times like this I wish I was smarter, less naive. Yes I have two degrees and I know my job but my naiveness puts me at a disadvantage when it comes to dealing with him. I wish I had more street smarts so that I could work out properly what's really going on with him.
I need a plan. Back in my uni days, I took a drama course which required me to act in a play. Terrifying for someone like me, an introverted person who hates being the centre of attention. But I pushed my inhibitions aside and acted - and got a shout out from my drama teacher which secretly pleased me to no end. Fast forward 10 years and my manager at my community job makes me take a public speaking course. I hated him for it, but it let me see a side of myself that I'd forgotten about. I acted my way through that course and delivered on of the best impromptu speeches out of that group.
I'm going to act my way out of this one. If I let myself be my normal cowering, depressed, whimpering, angst ridden self, I'm not going to get what I think is best for my kids. I'm going to reinvent myself to become a person who is strong not only when it comes to enduring a bad situation but who is strong when it comes to creating what is necessary.
It seems as if at the last minute, ex has risen up and done all things he thinks necessary to make up for the last year or two. They are little things he admits, but still they are progress. In front of the kids he is happy, stable, the perfect father. He still loses it sometimes, but not often. I on the other hand have been reduced to screaming, unstable mummy, especially in the last two days and it's just not good enough. I need to be better than this if I don't want this whole situation to end up with me crawling away and abandoning the whole sordid mess. I don't want my children's memories to be of a mother who just walked away when there is and always was, an alternative.
Of course, every one of you will see the alternative. Why don't I just pack up and leave. Because I'm not strong enough, that's why. I'm a coward and can't do it. In the state I am now, I'm not even sure I'd make it to the border. The mindset is not just there and I don't want to do that anyway.
So, I will create it, along with a stronger mind, a stronger body and a a new sense of determination. And then I will know that even if it doesn't work out exactly the way I want it to, I will know that I have truly given it my all.
But space and time and thinking have allowed things to calm a little before the next storm. It's times like this I wish I was smarter, less naive. Yes I have two degrees and I know my job but my naiveness puts me at a disadvantage when it comes to dealing with him. I wish I had more street smarts so that I could work out properly what's really going on with him.
I need a plan. Back in my uni days, I took a drama course which required me to act in a play. Terrifying for someone like me, an introverted person who hates being the centre of attention. But I pushed my inhibitions aside and acted - and got a shout out from my drama teacher which secretly pleased me to no end. Fast forward 10 years and my manager at my community job makes me take a public speaking course. I hated him for it, but it let me see a side of myself that I'd forgotten about. I acted my way through that course and delivered on of the best impromptu speeches out of that group.
I'm going to act my way out of this one. If I let myself be my normal cowering, depressed, whimpering, angst ridden self, I'm not going to get what I think is best for my kids. I'm going to reinvent myself to become a person who is strong not only when it comes to enduring a bad situation but who is strong when it comes to creating what is necessary.
It seems as if at the last minute, ex has risen up and done all things he thinks necessary to make up for the last year or two. They are little things he admits, but still they are progress. In front of the kids he is happy, stable, the perfect father. He still loses it sometimes, but not often. I on the other hand have been reduced to screaming, unstable mummy, especially in the last two days and it's just not good enough. I need to be better than this if I don't want this whole situation to end up with me crawling away and abandoning the whole sordid mess. I don't want my children's memories to be of a mother who just walked away when there is and always was, an alternative.
Of course, every one of you will see the alternative. Why don't I just pack up and leave. Because I'm not strong enough, that's why. I'm a coward and can't do it. In the state I am now, I'm not even sure I'd make it to the border. The mindset is not just there and I don't want to do that anyway.
So, I will create it, along with a stronger mind, a stronger body and a a new sense of determination. And then I will know that even if it doesn't work out exactly the way I want it to, I will know that I have truly given it my all.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Finally, the talk and we were both on xanax
This is just going to be a ramble, I don't even know if it will make sense but I've just got to write down what we talked about before I forget.
I started by saying that I don't cope well when I don't know what's going on. I need to make plans or at least we need to talk about what might happen.
he said he that if I want to go now or next week I can and he won't stop me. He stopped short of saying "you and the kids" which means if I did come home next week, it would be with one child.
He told me if I fight him for it, he will let them go but I will end up paying for it because he will tell the kids the truth - that mummy won't let them stay here.
He stills thinks I just want what I want for myself. I can't use any issue to persuade him that life for the kids is better there than here.
He only wants what's best for the kids and what's best is... well he didn't say but I suspect it's along the lines of .... be raised by both parents or maybe just one... or stay here...or....
He told me his financial affairs are none of my business and if he wants to go into debt in order to support his family, that's his business. He knows of people who are a lot worse off.
He wants the kids two days a week - Tuesday and Sunday. I made a mistake here. I said I didn't want that and that my routine revolves around the kids.... he jumped on it and said it's unhealthy and by the way, what does that say about you - that you're nothing without the kids. BIG MISTAKE - I'm such an idiot. I had to relinquish so that he thinks that in fact, my world doesn't revolve around the kids - which actually it does, BECAUSE WE ARE HERE!
He said that he knows I want to go home at the end of the year so lets set a date. I said I wanted january - there's no school in Australia then anyway. The date can change, depending on what's said in future talks.
He said it's been difficult to be around me since I did my arm in February- that I've been moody, difficult and sour-faced. It's the same situation all over again where our realities are poles apart.
He says every night he comes home and makes it a point to be happy around the kids but I don't do this. Instead I show my face and it makes it difficult for him to be here. He sits out in the lounge, waiting for me to come out of my room and when I don't he goes out. I told him that I was sure that I was the last person he wanted to see which is why I'm keeping out of his way.
He said he takes full responsibility for how he feels about me - it's nothing personal, it's just his reaction to me is so bad and it's his fault not mine. I don't believe him because he says "you make me feel this way..." - that to me means it's my fault.
I contradicted myself twice, but don't remember what it was about.
He got angry at one point and then apologised for it - he had some nasty feelings from the past come up. I said it was fair enough.
His main point was that I would always just want what I want and I would spin situations around that to suit and get what I want.
He's tired of everything and doesn't have the strength to fight me anymore but if I force his hand I will get what I deserve when the kids backlash against me later on.
I'm so tired, but didn't get to say that.
He said that if he was messed up completely and didn't have any hope of supporting us, he'd gladly hand over the kids to me.
I made the point about how if I was to go, it wouldn't have to be cut and dried. I would make sure that we stayed here as long as possible, go, then come back mid term and again towards the end of the year. If that's what it takes for him to agree, then I will promise him that. Why can't the two countries be our homes. I certainly don't want to never see my friends again.
I'm not to say anything to anybody. I'm violating that point just by writing this.
Oddly enough, he said that he knows things about everyone that I know that could tear each family apart. I don't know who he's referring to. I took it that he was trying to illustrate the point of 'don't say anything to anybody' because you can't trust them.
The plan is now to sort through the options, see which ones are viable and then present the options to the kids. They will have a part in deciding what will happen. At the end of the year, or anytime in between I'm able to go home, but he can't guarantee that I will be able to take both kids. If I fight him for both kids now, he will make me pay by telling the kids his truth about me.
And that my friends is why I have to tread very, very carefully.
I started by saying that I don't cope well when I don't know what's going on. I need to make plans or at least we need to talk about what might happen.
he said he that if I want to go now or next week I can and he won't stop me. He stopped short of saying "you and the kids" which means if I did come home next week, it would be with one child.
He told me if I fight him for it, he will let them go but I will end up paying for it because he will tell the kids the truth - that mummy won't let them stay here.
He stills thinks I just want what I want for myself. I can't use any issue to persuade him that life for the kids is better there than here.
He only wants what's best for the kids and what's best is... well he didn't say but I suspect it's along the lines of .... be raised by both parents or maybe just one... or stay here...or....
He told me his financial affairs are none of my business and if he wants to go into debt in order to support his family, that's his business. He knows of people who are a lot worse off.
He wants the kids two days a week - Tuesday and Sunday. I made a mistake here. I said I didn't want that and that my routine revolves around the kids.... he jumped on it and said it's unhealthy and by the way, what does that say about you - that you're nothing without the kids. BIG MISTAKE - I'm such an idiot. I had to relinquish so that he thinks that in fact, my world doesn't revolve around the kids - which actually it does, BECAUSE WE ARE HERE!
He said that he knows I want to go home at the end of the year so lets set a date. I said I wanted january - there's no school in Australia then anyway. The date can change, depending on what's said in future talks.
He said it's been difficult to be around me since I did my arm in February- that I've been moody, difficult and sour-faced. It's the same situation all over again where our realities are poles apart.
He says every night he comes home and makes it a point to be happy around the kids but I don't do this. Instead I show my face and it makes it difficult for him to be here. He sits out in the lounge, waiting for me to come out of my room and when I don't he goes out. I told him that I was sure that I was the last person he wanted to see which is why I'm keeping out of his way.
He said he takes full responsibility for how he feels about me - it's nothing personal, it's just his reaction to me is so bad and it's his fault not mine. I don't believe him because he says "you make me feel this way..." - that to me means it's my fault.
I contradicted myself twice, but don't remember what it was about.
He got angry at one point and then apologised for it - he had some nasty feelings from the past come up. I said it was fair enough.
His main point was that I would always just want what I want and I would spin situations around that to suit and get what I want.
He's tired of everything and doesn't have the strength to fight me anymore but if I force his hand I will get what I deserve when the kids backlash against me later on.
I'm so tired, but didn't get to say that.
He said that if he was messed up completely and didn't have any hope of supporting us, he'd gladly hand over the kids to me.
I made the point about how if I was to go, it wouldn't have to be cut and dried. I would make sure that we stayed here as long as possible, go, then come back mid term and again towards the end of the year. If that's what it takes for him to agree, then I will promise him that. Why can't the two countries be our homes. I certainly don't want to never see my friends again.
I'm not to say anything to anybody. I'm violating that point just by writing this.
Oddly enough, he said that he knows things about everyone that I know that could tear each family apart. I don't know who he's referring to. I took it that he was trying to illustrate the point of 'don't say anything to anybody' because you can't trust them.
The plan is now to sort through the options, see which ones are viable and then present the options to the kids. They will have a part in deciding what will happen. At the end of the year, or anytime in between I'm able to go home, but he can't guarantee that I will be able to take both kids. If I fight him for both kids now, he will make me pay by telling the kids his truth about me.
And that my friends is why I have to tread very, very carefully.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
things are going to change
The last week has not been a good one. Messy mind, spiralling down, minimal contact and words between ex and myself, Wednesday spent lying all day on the couch when I found myself with so much angst, I decided to take the whole day off and just 'be'.
Ex spent every night of the week out for 5 or 6 hours at a time, probably to get away from me which of course, prompted more angst in my mind. On Friday morning when he came home at 6.30am while the kids were having breakfast, it was all I could do to contain myself. Luckily they were too sleepy to notice whether he was coming or going. But still, had they noticed, I would have then had to make up stories about why their father was coming in at that time of the morning. I must have been giving off bad vibes because I didn't see him for the rest of the day and at night, only for 20 seconds as the kids went from me to him because I was meeting my friend that night. He took them to the carnival after that and got home late. Saturday morning he went to the office and didn't come back. He messaged me that he was going to spend all of Sunday with the kids at the office. He would pick them up at 10am and come back at 8pm in the evening.
I asked him via sms what was wrong, that he sounded upset. He messaged back that I was freaking him out (I'M freaking HIM out - what about HE'S freaking ME out, not talking about what's going to happen next year?). I'm worried I wrote back and that's why I've been on edge. Is it possible for us to talk? I also told him that I've been wanting to talk to him for the past few weeks but haven't been able to bring myself to do it. We'll talk Monday he said.
This morning I packed the kids up for their 'exciting day' with their dad in the office. The kids and I had spent the night in my room together. They probably sensed something wasn't right and couldn't sleep so we all slept together. They're getting bigger, it wasn't an easy night but I didn't want them to be by themselves if they felt uneasy. I didn't really tell them what was going on, mostly because they didn't ask about it. Daughter did wonder this morning why her father went to the office so early and I told her that he had to work late so decided to stay there. It didn't worry her she said as long as he was OK.
Expecting a meltdown, I rang my best friend and said that I needed her. They've moved into their house so I asked if I could spend the day with them and she generously told me that of course, I was welcome. I don't like to put those things on people, but I really did need her. It was a good distraction. We cooked and shopped and lay around her house and chatted about stuff. She told me to think positive, that in fact ex could be preparing for his own crisis and that I should think of him having a tough time too. She said some other things too, like we need to live in the present and be grateful for what we've got now and to think positive. I remembered that I have to focus on what I want and not what I don't want.
I got back home at 7.40 and the kids arrived with ex shortly after. We exchanged only a few words before he went to his room and went to sleep, where he is at this moment. My guess is that he'll get up later and go out again or go to the office. I have no idea what he's thinking but the kids told me he wants to do this thing twice a week, on Tuesdays and Sundays, if I agreed. I'm not going to agree, not to every Sunday. That's also the day when I get to take the kids out, one of the few times during the week when I get to spend time with them that doesn't involve telling them what to do and when, doing homework or doing chores. it's our quality time too, which I need, otherwise I end up feeling like the 'bad guy' all the time. He can't have all the fun bits!
When things like this happen, ex gets stronger. He's motivated to change things up, make new routines and pull further away from me. This morning when he came back he left with the kids, a lounge chair, our two giant sofa cushions, some extra linen, some boxes and some games of the kids. It felt like he was moving out and that didn't do my stupid messy mind any good. He told the kids he just wanted to give me a day off. I didn't need a day off and if I did, I would have asked for it. Instead my poor friends had to have me over for the entire day. I wasn't unpleasant, I just don't think they were expecting it.
I'm wondering if he's decided to move out. I'm expecting it and some other shocks that I haven't thought about. But I do know this - tomorrow, I will tell him that we need to plan for the future, I will tell him that drawing down on a credit card is not 'taking care of the finances'. I will assure him that if he lets me take the kids back home, I will do my damnedest to make sure they see him for an extended period at least once and, if possible, twice a year. I will ask him if he's aware of the implications of not paying the credit card back and whether he knows about the impact it will have on me, if any. I will tell him that just because I go back with the kids, it's not the end of him being their father - why can't we call two countries home and in a few years (7 or so), the kids can choose where they want to be. For me now, it really is about education and lifestyle opportunities for the kids - gymnastics, swimming club, theatre groups, having a pet, sleepovers at their cousins house, travelling around the country (if possible), all the things I imagined for them as they were growing up. I have to let him know that I don't want to leave right now, but I do want to leave at the end of the year and sooner if he can't support us.
Only time will tell as they say. I need to keep my emotions in check. I have to steel myself because he can say some very cruel things when we talk like this. I have to remember that I'm a normal person with normal emotional responses. If I don't like something or agree with something, I have to say so. To do less would be letting myself down.
Wish me luck and strength. If you're religious, please think of me. If not, just think my way anyway. I love you all for your wonderful support and your care.
Ex spent every night of the week out for 5 or 6 hours at a time, probably to get away from me which of course, prompted more angst in my mind. On Friday morning when he came home at 6.30am while the kids were having breakfast, it was all I could do to contain myself. Luckily they were too sleepy to notice whether he was coming or going. But still, had they noticed, I would have then had to make up stories about why their father was coming in at that time of the morning. I must have been giving off bad vibes because I didn't see him for the rest of the day and at night, only for 20 seconds as the kids went from me to him because I was meeting my friend that night. He took them to the carnival after that and got home late. Saturday morning he went to the office and didn't come back. He messaged me that he was going to spend all of Sunday with the kids at the office. He would pick them up at 10am and come back at 8pm in the evening.
I asked him via sms what was wrong, that he sounded upset. He messaged back that I was freaking him out (I'M freaking HIM out - what about HE'S freaking ME out, not talking about what's going to happen next year?). I'm worried I wrote back and that's why I've been on edge. Is it possible for us to talk? I also told him that I've been wanting to talk to him for the past few weeks but haven't been able to bring myself to do it. We'll talk Monday he said.
This morning I packed the kids up for their 'exciting day' with their dad in the office. The kids and I had spent the night in my room together. They probably sensed something wasn't right and couldn't sleep so we all slept together. They're getting bigger, it wasn't an easy night but I didn't want them to be by themselves if they felt uneasy. I didn't really tell them what was going on, mostly because they didn't ask about it. Daughter did wonder this morning why her father went to the office so early and I told her that he had to work late so decided to stay there. It didn't worry her she said as long as he was OK.
Expecting a meltdown, I rang my best friend and said that I needed her. They've moved into their house so I asked if I could spend the day with them and she generously told me that of course, I was welcome. I don't like to put those things on people, but I really did need her. It was a good distraction. We cooked and shopped and lay around her house and chatted about stuff. She told me to think positive, that in fact ex could be preparing for his own crisis and that I should think of him having a tough time too. She said some other things too, like we need to live in the present and be grateful for what we've got now and to think positive. I remembered that I have to focus on what I want and not what I don't want.
I got back home at 7.40 and the kids arrived with ex shortly after. We exchanged only a few words before he went to his room and went to sleep, where he is at this moment. My guess is that he'll get up later and go out again or go to the office. I have no idea what he's thinking but the kids told me he wants to do this thing twice a week, on Tuesdays and Sundays, if I agreed. I'm not going to agree, not to every Sunday. That's also the day when I get to take the kids out, one of the few times during the week when I get to spend time with them that doesn't involve telling them what to do and when, doing homework or doing chores. it's our quality time too, which I need, otherwise I end up feeling like the 'bad guy' all the time. He can't have all the fun bits!
When things like this happen, ex gets stronger. He's motivated to change things up, make new routines and pull further away from me. This morning when he came back he left with the kids, a lounge chair, our two giant sofa cushions, some extra linen, some boxes and some games of the kids. It felt like he was moving out and that didn't do my stupid messy mind any good. He told the kids he just wanted to give me a day off. I didn't need a day off and if I did, I would have asked for it. Instead my poor friends had to have me over for the entire day. I wasn't unpleasant, I just don't think they were expecting it.
I'm wondering if he's decided to move out. I'm expecting it and some other shocks that I haven't thought about. But I do know this - tomorrow, I will tell him that we need to plan for the future, I will tell him that drawing down on a credit card is not 'taking care of the finances'. I will assure him that if he lets me take the kids back home, I will do my damnedest to make sure they see him for an extended period at least once and, if possible, twice a year. I will ask him if he's aware of the implications of not paying the credit card back and whether he knows about the impact it will have on me, if any. I will tell him that just because I go back with the kids, it's not the end of him being their father - why can't we call two countries home and in a few years (7 or so), the kids can choose where they want to be. For me now, it really is about education and lifestyle opportunities for the kids - gymnastics, swimming club, theatre groups, having a pet, sleepovers at their cousins house, travelling around the country (if possible), all the things I imagined for them as they were growing up. I have to let him know that I don't want to leave right now, but I do want to leave at the end of the year and sooner if he can't support us.
Only time will tell as they say. I need to keep my emotions in check. I have to steel myself because he can say some very cruel things when we talk like this. I have to remember that I'm a normal person with normal emotional responses. If I don't like something or agree with something, I have to say so. To do less would be letting myself down.
Wish me luck and strength. If you're religious, please think of me. If not, just think my way anyway. I love you all for your wonderful support and your care.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Living 2 lives
You know that lately I've been having a tough time of it and there are a few contributing factors, one of which is "Everytime I go anywhere, do anything, I compare."
My ego has taken over my mind and is comparing whatever I'm doing here to a pseudo-life I think I would be having in Melbourne.
If it's driving, I think about how inconsiderate and downright stupid the drivers are here. And since I drive up and down to school twice a day, go out shopping, go out to K's place, it adds up to a fair amount of COMPARING.
If it's helping the kids with their homework, I convince myself that they wouldn't be having homework if we lived in Melbourne and I wouldn't be having to deal with the stress and tears, getting up at 5.30 or ringing around after dinner trying to get someone who can help my daughter with her Chinese homework. School IS a tough slog here and I'm not the only one who thinks so. But the kids get through it and there still is some time for playing, reading, swimming and dancing.
If it's cooking dinner at home, I think about what Western meal I could be cooking instead, what ingredients I could get at home that would allow me to make this, that or the other whatever, how we'd be eating potatoes or pasta instead of rice. Watching Jamie Oliver prepare mouth-watering meals using ingredients I can easily get at Coles does not help either.
When I'm shopping, I compare how expensive milk and bread is, the lesser quality of the food we buy and again, the things I'd like to buy to eat, but can't because they're just not available here. And when it comes to buying meat, well, Australia wins hands down. The meat is literally beautiful in Melbourne. It's fresh, well kept, nicely presented with every cut imaginable available (to me anyway).
If I'm shopping for clothes, I long for Target or Rockmans instead of the Reject Shop (which sells cast offs from designer brands) or a Brands Outlet. It's hard to get my size (14 - 16) here and often I don't like the styles - so gaudy. I'm a Target Girl now, (down from Sportscraft and Country Road many, many years ago).
So you can see the dilemma I'm creating for myself. I'm not doing myself any favours by doing this and I can stop if I set my mind to it. It's nothing less than self-inflicted torture. I have to again, go through the process of Radical Acceptance. I am here. Now. I have to at least see this year out. Don't look back, don't look forward. Head down, get on with it. Money issue aside that is.
The problem is, I'm afraid I'll forget. Forget to want go home. It sounds crazy and probably is, but if I set myself to enjoy my life here, it'll be so much harder to come back. It's going to be wrenching as it is, what with the friends and the students and the family. But is that the way we should live? My instinct is telling me NO. It's no way to live, but I'm fighting that instinct in the same way I fought with ex for so long.
So I find myself in a dilemma. I still want to want to come back. I do want to move back home. But I don't want to like my life here so much that I don't want to let go. So there you have it. The reason for living the two lives. The imagined one and the real one. The fucked up mess I've gotten myself into.
My ego has taken over my mind and is comparing whatever I'm doing here to a pseudo-life I think I would be having in Melbourne.
If it's driving, I think about how inconsiderate and downright stupid the drivers are here. And since I drive up and down to school twice a day, go out shopping, go out to K's place, it adds up to a fair amount of COMPARING.
If it's helping the kids with their homework, I convince myself that they wouldn't be having homework if we lived in Melbourne and I wouldn't be having to deal with the stress and tears, getting up at 5.30 or ringing around after dinner trying to get someone who can help my daughter with her Chinese homework. School IS a tough slog here and I'm not the only one who thinks so. But the kids get through it and there still is some time for playing, reading, swimming and dancing.
If it's cooking dinner at home, I think about what Western meal I could be cooking instead, what ingredients I could get at home that would allow me to make this, that or the other whatever, how we'd be eating potatoes or pasta instead of rice. Watching Jamie Oliver prepare mouth-watering meals using ingredients I can easily get at Coles does not help either.
When I'm shopping, I compare how expensive milk and bread is, the lesser quality of the food we buy and again, the things I'd like to buy to eat, but can't because they're just not available here. And when it comes to buying meat, well, Australia wins hands down. The meat is literally beautiful in Melbourne. It's fresh, well kept, nicely presented with every cut imaginable available (to me anyway).
If I'm shopping for clothes, I long for Target or Rockmans instead of the Reject Shop (which sells cast offs from designer brands) or a Brands Outlet. It's hard to get my size (14 - 16) here and often I don't like the styles - so gaudy. I'm a Target Girl now, (down from Sportscraft and Country Road many, many years ago).
So you can see the dilemma I'm creating for myself. I'm not doing myself any favours by doing this and I can stop if I set my mind to it. It's nothing less than self-inflicted torture. I have to again, go through the process of Radical Acceptance. I am here. Now. I have to at least see this year out. Don't look back, don't look forward. Head down, get on with it. Money issue aside that is.
The problem is, I'm afraid I'll forget. Forget to want go home. It sounds crazy and probably is, but if I set myself to enjoy my life here, it'll be so much harder to come back. It's going to be wrenching as it is, what with the friends and the students and the family. But is that the way we should live? My instinct is telling me NO. It's no way to live, but I'm fighting that instinct in the same way I fought with ex for so long.
So I find myself in a dilemma. I still want to want to come back. I do want to move back home. But I don't want to like my life here so much that I don't want to let go. So there you have it. The reason for living the two lives. The imagined one and the real one. The fucked up mess I've gotten myself into.
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