Last night, after sensing that I was in meltdown mode, ex came in to my room, sat down and wanted to know what was wrong. This is highly unusual because he never comes in, so he must have decided that it was what he needed to do. He was expecting to hear that this was it, I was going back to Australia. I found it slightly amusing, because he seems to think I hold all the power here, when I think the opposite, that he has all the power.
We talked about what was wrong. I told him it gets harder to see him go away and though I know I shouldn't be feeling like this, it still happens. He knows it's hard for me. He softened. Explained gently that I was just distracting myself from what I'd set out to do - be stable, care for kids, work on myself. He's right, I believed him. I relaxed.
He said "I sort of know what you want" which means that he thinks I want to get back together. Even though I haven't moved on as much as I thought I had, I DON'T want to get back together. When I think of how dysfunctional the relationship was, I know I don't want that, even though my feelings seem to be telling me otherwise. I told him so, he seemed convinced that for once, I knew what I was talking about. We both know it's irreconcilable.
We talked about the threat that hangs in the air for him - that one day he'll find me gone. I told him it's not going to happen, that I can't traumatise the kids with that, that I don't need to do any more damage to this family by taking off with the kids AND that if I was going to do that, I wouldn't have come back. He said hearing that eased his mind a bit.
We talked about how we'd both changed, but with our past, it was difficult to see the changes when so many things have so much baggage attached. I said I could see how he'd changed, in good ways and the bad ways and that I try not to judge him because of our past and what he feels he has to do now (ie find himself outside of the dysfunctionality). I told him I'd changed too, that he didn't know me anymore because, how could he, we never talk, about anything. I don't share my life with him for the simple reason is that I will start to expect things back. sharing personal things is an emotional investment I'm not prepared to make. I have to be careful with myself. He thinks it's just talking but it's not for me. Talking to people means connecting with them and I can't connect with him then watch him walk out the door - not now anyway. And I'm very aware that a few blog entries ago, I said that I wished we could connect over something. I've decided it's too painful. Call me oversensitive, but that's just the way it is for now.
He said the desperate-ness with which I want him to see the changes is part of the BPD symptoms I experience and it doesn't help me, because then all I think about is what he thinks of me. He said it's not important what he thinks of me, I've just got to be happy with myself. He said he doesn't carry around the anger anymore the way he used to, he doesn't wake up every morning and hate me. He said we both need to get on and do what each of us needs for ourselves. He's right.
He told me how bad he felt not being able to make a success of himself, how he's only operating at about 10% of his capacity. How he's working to make more of himself. Hearing that, restored a little of my faith in him, because as much as he doesn't believe in me or trust me, I feel the same way about him.
Seeing the mood was non-threatening and reasonable, I mentioned the kids education - the fact that I want them to have their secondary education in Australia. I can't remember how I brought it up, I think it was part of the "I'm not going anywhere right now" part of the conversation. I told him that I knew it wasn't time for that, it's still a few years away, but at the same time, let him know that I want to take them back. He didn't protest about it, he didn't talk about the possibility of it happening here. He said things like this need planning (and funnily enough he mentioned being left here with all the furniture), that we can't just "up and go"- and the light at the end of the tunnel switched ON. I can plan it with him and make it happen. I'm fairly certain now, (but still a little guarded) that if I play my cards right, he will let me take them back to go to school in Australia. THIS I can handle, even if I have to wait for the next two years. THIS will help me get though it. THIS is what I want to hear, that there's something at the end of all this, that eventually I'll be able to move back, with both my kids.
Back to life.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
So ashamed... beware BPD emotions on high!
With one hours notice, ex has just left for the next two days and I should be happy. I should be completely at ease. But I'm not. The feelings of abandonment are overwhelming. Him leaving still generates a rage and hatred I didn't think possible and don't understand. It makes me want to take the kids and leave. I've taken our passports out of the draw.... put them back again... thinking about it. I want to hurt and damage stuff, tear his room to shreds, throw is $2400 monitor across the room, crush his phone to pieces underneath with my foot. Remember the children I say to myself. Focus on the good stuff. Then, why the fuck should I stay here? To watch you come and go as you please, you fucking inconsiderate, weak, pathetic arsehole. WHY was I never good enough for you? You think you're so good.... I clearly haven't moved on.
Then I lost it. I lost control and let it all out. a scream that felt really good to get out and after that another one. Trouble was, I'd forgotten my son was in the next room and when I'd remembered, I found him covering his ears. I feel so bad and ashamed that I couldn't control myself. Have I scarred him for life, will he remember this when he's older? Probably. But I can't take it back now, so I'll have to deal with it in the calmest way possible, to let him know I'm OK. Sometimes mummies get upset I'll tell him. I'll cuddle and kiss him and show him that I love him and tell him it's not his fault. Children should be protected from the major shit, but I didn't protect my son. I let him hear the grief, things he shouldn't be hearing. So bad....time for xanax so that this can pass. The xanax is kicking in, so I'm going to lie down and later, it will be OK again and I'll be over the whole abandonment thing and pleased that he's gone.
Then I lost it. I lost control and let it all out. a scream that felt really good to get out and after that another one. Trouble was, I'd forgotten my son was in the next room and when I'd remembered, I found him covering his ears. I feel so bad and ashamed that I couldn't control myself. Have I scarred him for life, will he remember this when he's older? Probably. But I can't take it back now, so I'll have to deal with it in the calmest way possible, to let him know I'm OK. Sometimes mummies get upset I'll tell him. I'll cuddle and kiss him and show him that I love him and tell him it's not his fault. Children should be protected from the major shit, but I didn't protect my son. I let him hear the grief, things he shouldn't be hearing. So bad....time for xanax so that this can pass. The xanax is kicking in, so I'm going to lie down and later, it will be OK again and I'll be over the whole abandonment thing and pleased that he's gone.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
I'm so awful
At this very moment, ex is in the lounge room doing the ironing. He does it well, it's organised, well ironed, neat and he's fast. In his own words, more efficient than I am. And I still can't stand to be near him, yet at the same time I want him to talk to me, to ask me how I slept, how I'm doing, have I got any plans for the day. Anything that would show that he cared an inkling for me, even just as the mother of his kids. I treat strangers better.
For the most part, I can live with it being this way, but sometimes it does get lonely and it is horrible, much as I try to convince myself that it's not either of these things.
I can't stand the way he comes and goes as he pleases. The arrogance he displays when he's at home and things are going smoothly. Like he's saying, "I told you the problem was you. See now you're in control, things are better". I can't stand the way he scoffs and makes derogatory comments about women and ideas presented on television - things like you should accept people the way they are, marriage can be good, women who have been pregnant have no excuse for not looking like a model afterwards (because all the celebs are not fat!!). The way he listens to techno-hip hop rap music shit really loud in his room, like a bloody teenager, the way he whistles at 20-something women on the tv.
I look at him and though I feel a kind of affection for him at times, sometimes I find that I really don't like who he has become. But then who am I to judge him, being who I was - self centred, over emotional, unwilling to try new things and ideas, messy and thoughtless.
I make judgements on his way of life, not that it's especially bad, but if I was a responsible father as he claims to be, I wouldn't do what he does. He doesn't beat me or the kids, he doesn't abuse us, he doesn't belittle us, he doesn't bother us much at all, unless there's what seems to be an obvious problem. He does, though, drink (not at home).... and drive. He takes medications for stress and has mixed it with alcohol - poor judgement that he almost admitted. He goes away for weekends and partakes in behaviour that could, potentially, harm him. And although I don't know all the details, he doesn't seem to be working much. I don't consider trading on the stock market a job, but that's just my opinion.
In this spiral mode, I see him as a complete hypocrite and failure. My biggest hope when I'm like this, is that he runs out of money and asks me to take the kids back - or something catastrophic happens and I'm forced to step up and take over.
Truth is, I have no idea what's really going on. I don't know what he's really doing and feeling, because on the outside, all we see is the happy exterior. He rarely shows if he's upset - I remember his comment once "do you think I'm so out of control... that I can't control my feelings when I'm with other people" (no, you don't have control issues ex (dripping sarcasm)). I can never tell if he's under tremendous pressure or if things are going swimmingly. Even if I ask, his one word reply is "OK".
I can't do this, it's just not in me. If I'm stressed, it shows. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, in full view of everyone who knows me. I don't rage at people (other than ex), but people can tell when I'm not happy. This is not always a good way to be, but I find it hard to strike a balance.
Working through this stuff in my blog is great therapy for me. When I started this entry, I was on the verge of a spiral, wanting to make him see how good and nice I am now, wanting his approval. Now, after laying it all down, I can see it for what it is and I don't care if he thinks I'm nice or not. Writing it down helps with the emotional distance I need to keep if I'm to cope here.
To really get over him though, I'm going to need to create a chasm - a 6356km chasm all the way back home.
For the most part, I can live with it being this way, but sometimes it does get lonely and it is horrible, much as I try to convince myself that it's not either of these things.
I can't stand the way he comes and goes as he pleases. The arrogance he displays when he's at home and things are going smoothly. Like he's saying, "I told you the problem was you. See now you're in control, things are better". I can't stand the way he scoffs and makes derogatory comments about women and ideas presented on television - things like you should accept people the way they are, marriage can be good, women who have been pregnant have no excuse for not looking like a model afterwards (because all the celebs are not fat!!). The way he listens to techno-hip hop rap music shit really loud in his room, like a bloody teenager, the way he whistles at 20-something women on the tv.
I look at him and though I feel a kind of affection for him at times, sometimes I find that I really don't like who he has become. But then who am I to judge him, being who I was - self centred, over emotional, unwilling to try new things and ideas, messy and thoughtless.
I make judgements on his way of life, not that it's especially bad, but if I was a responsible father as he claims to be, I wouldn't do what he does. He doesn't beat me or the kids, he doesn't abuse us, he doesn't belittle us, he doesn't bother us much at all, unless there's what seems to be an obvious problem. He does, though, drink (not at home).... and drive. He takes medications for stress and has mixed it with alcohol - poor judgement that he almost admitted. He goes away for weekends and partakes in behaviour that could, potentially, harm him. And although I don't know all the details, he doesn't seem to be working much. I don't consider trading on the stock market a job, but that's just my opinion.
In this spiral mode, I see him as a complete hypocrite and failure. My biggest hope when I'm like this, is that he runs out of money and asks me to take the kids back - or something catastrophic happens and I'm forced to step up and take over.
Truth is, I have no idea what's really going on. I don't know what he's really doing and feeling, because on the outside, all we see is the happy exterior. He rarely shows if he's upset - I remember his comment once "do you think I'm so out of control... that I can't control my feelings when I'm with other people" (no, you don't have control issues ex (dripping sarcasm)). I can never tell if he's under tremendous pressure or if things are going swimmingly. Even if I ask, his one word reply is "OK".
I can't do this, it's just not in me. If I'm stressed, it shows. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, in full view of everyone who knows me. I don't rage at people (other than ex), but people can tell when I'm not happy. This is not always a good way to be, but I find it hard to strike a balance.
Working through this stuff in my blog is great therapy for me. When I started this entry, I was on the verge of a spiral, wanting to make him see how good and nice I am now, wanting his approval. Now, after laying it all down, I can see it for what it is and I don't care if he thinks I'm nice or not. Writing it down helps with the emotional distance I need to keep if I'm to cope here.
To really get over him though, I'm going to need to create a chasm - a 6356km chasm all the way back home.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Mother in law rant
I've been lucky as far as mother in laws go. Ex's mother is independent and liberal thinking, generous and quite in tune with what's going on around her.
But once she believes something, she's keep pushing until you accept it. Actually, now that I think about it, that's a lot like ex. Won't let an issue go until it goes his way. Our son is like that too - obsessive about certain subjects and won't let an idea go until you say, OK, I agree with you. Of course, it drives me crazy.
Today's rant going round in my head has to do with my MIL wanting my son to eat asian noodles. Now, my son is a pretty good eater and he still gets round to eating his rice, meat and vegies. But his preference is for western food - pasta, sandwiches, cheese, milk, potatoes etc. And he doesn't like Asian noodles, of which there are many different types here. He won't have a bar of them, and it's a huge struggle to get him to eat even a little bit. So I cave in and give him sandwiches, pasta, French toast etc for lunch when the rest of the family is eating noodles, which at most is once a week.
My MIL keeps on talking about teaching my son to eat malaysian food, he must learn to eat the food here, he is a malaysian so he should learn to eat noodles. She said those words on the phone this morning when she invited us for lunch. I should have declined, no thanks, we're busy... thanks all the same. I should have declined when I heard the two trigger words - should and must. But I didn't decline, I accepted gracefully and said we'd be there.
Now I have to go there with a head full of bullshit opinion that I can't let out. I have to tolerate the incessant talk about what my son should and should not eat, I have to make him try a little bit, knowing it will create stress for everyone there, because I know he is going to refuse to eat it. I will get upset, in my own classic way and it will take the rest of the day to recover.
Because I can't let it out there, I'm going to dump it here, my opinion that is.
YOU WANT HIM TO EAT NOODLES, YOU MAKE HIM DO IT. IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME THAT HE DOESN'T EAT NOODLES. IT'S NOT LIKE HE HAS TO EAT THEM EVERY DAY, IT'S NOT LIKE THERE ARE NO ALTERNATIVES FOR HIM TO EAT. IT'S TOO HARD TO MAKE HIM NOODLES. HE EATS RICE, VEGIES, MEAT, CHINESE RESTAURANT FOOD AND ALMOST EVERYTHING ELSE. THE ONLY THINGS HE REFUSES TO EAT ARE PEANUT BUTTER AND NOODLES. SO WHAT. SO WHAT IF HE PREFERS WESTERN FOOD. HE'S HALF AUSTRALIAN, DOESN'T THAT COUNT! NOODLES ARE NOT A BIG PART OF OUR DIET, SO IT'S REALLY NOT AN ISSUE. INCONVENIENT SOMETIMES, YES, BUT NOT A HUGE DEAL.
YOU SEE HOW HARD IT IS TO GET MY SON TO DO THINGS HE DOESN'T WANT TO DO. I ALREADY HAVE TO WORK SO HARD TO CONTROL THE THINGS HE OBSESSES ABOUT, WON'T LET GO, THINGS HE THINK SHOULD HAPPEN. IT'S SO EXHAUSTING, WHY DON'T ONE OF YOU DO IT. I'M TAKING MY TIME ON THIS ONE BECAUSE I THINK IT'S THE BEST THING TO DO FOR NOW. I'VE CHOSEN NOT TO ENGAGE THIS BATTLE BECAUSE I'M EXHAUSTED WITH OTHER THINGS, MORE IMPORTANT THINGS LIKE HAVING THE STRENGTH TO LIVE HERE AND BE REASONABLY HAPPY, HAVING THE COURAGE TO LIVE IN A BROKEN MARRIAGE WITH YOUR SON JUST SO THE KIDS CAN BE WITH THEIR FATHER.
AND CAN'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH HE IS LIKE HIS FATHER, WHO IS LIKE YOU. WARM AND GENEROUS ON ONE SIDE, CONTROLLING ON THE OTHER. NOBODY TELLS YOU WHAT YOU SHOULD DO, THEY WOULDN'T DARE SO QUIT TELLING ME ABOUT THE THINGS YOU THINK I SHOULD DO.
The amount of anger here seems a little unreasonable. there are many issues tied up with it, baggage from the past with ex, issues with self confidence about being able to express my own opinion in a reasonable way.
so, I'm thinking, what does this situation need!
- calm
-thoughtfulness
-preparation
-xanax
I will take xanax so that I can go there with a calm mind and if she mentions it, which i'm 98% sure of, i will say the following:
for a lot of reasons, i know it would be better if my son ate noodles. but he doesn't. it's something i'm going to work on in the future because right now, i don't have the strength to do it. he's a very determined little boy and it will be hard work teaching him to eat something he doesn't like, so i'm going to tackle it when i feel i have to strength to succeed, perhaps when he's a little older. til then, i appreciate your concern, but would prefer it if you could let it go!
Am i going to say this? i don't know, i'd love to but i'm not really assertive. But i will take xanax to get thru this and see if it helps.
wish me luck on this very non important, trivial issue. that has a lot of explosive potential.
POST LUNCH:
We went there and my son started playing up as soon as we walked in the door. Even the xanax couldn't calm my anxiety when he did this. I knew I wouldn't be able to get him to eat the bloody noodles without a huge tantrum and ex, watching on, knew this too. Our son, eyes rolling, fists in little balls, tears at the ready, was about to meltdown. And thankfully for once, he stepped in. He told me to go eat and he handled the situation, calming the son and dealing with his mum who'd already relinquished her position with the comment "just let him eat what he wants, nevermind". And actually I was pretty proud of the way ex handled it. "Let me deal with my son" was all he said to her and he did. And, in between sobs and pleading eyes to me, our son ate his lunch of noodles, and he did it without the tantrum.
Phew. I was glad I'd taken the xanax just in case, but it was good to see ex step up and contribute too.
But once she believes something, she's keep pushing until you accept it. Actually, now that I think about it, that's a lot like ex. Won't let an issue go until it goes his way. Our son is like that too - obsessive about certain subjects and won't let an idea go until you say, OK, I agree with you. Of course, it drives me crazy.
Today's rant going round in my head has to do with my MIL wanting my son to eat asian noodles. Now, my son is a pretty good eater and he still gets round to eating his rice, meat and vegies. But his preference is for western food - pasta, sandwiches, cheese, milk, potatoes etc. And he doesn't like Asian noodles, of which there are many different types here. He won't have a bar of them, and it's a huge struggle to get him to eat even a little bit. So I cave in and give him sandwiches, pasta, French toast etc for lunch when the rest of the family is eating noodles, which at most is once a week.
My MIL keeps on talking about teaching my son to eat malaysian food, he must learn to eat the food here, he is a malaysian so he should learn to eat noodles. She said those words on the phone this morning when she invited us for lunch. I should have declined, no thanks, we're busy... thanks all the same. I should have declined when I heard the two trigger words - should and must. But I didn't decline, I accepted gracefully and said we'd be there.
Now I have to go there with a head full of bullshit opinion that I can't let out. I have to tolerate the incessant talk about what my son should and should not eat, I have to make him try a little bit, knowing it will create stress for everyone there, because I know he is going to refuse to eat it. I will get upset, in my own classic way and it will take the rest of the day to recover.
Because I can't let it out there, I'm going to dump it here, my opinion that is.
YOU WANT HIM TO EAT NOODLES, YOU MAKE HIM DO IT. IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME THAT HE DOESN'T EAT NOODLES. IT'S NOT LIKE HE HAS TO EAT THEM EVERY DAY, IT'S NOT LIKE THERE ARE NO ALTERNATIVES FOR HIM TO EAT. IT'S TOO HARD TO MAKE HIM NOODLES. HE EATS RICE, VEGIES, MEAT, CHINESE RESTAURANT FOOD AND ALMOST EVERYTHING ELSE. THE ONLY THINGS HE REFUSES TO EAT ARE PEANUT BUTTER AND NOODLES. SO WHAT. SO WHAT IF HE PREFERS WESTERN FOOD. HE'S HALF AUSTRALIAN, DOESN'T THAT COUNT! NOODLES ARE NOT A BIG PART OF OUR DIET, SO IT'S REALLY NOT AN ISSUE. INCONVENIENT SOMETIMES, YES, BUT NOT A HUGE DEAL.
YOU SEE HOW HARD IT IS TO GET MY SON TO DO THINGS HE DOESN'T WANT TO DO. I ALREADY HAVE TO WORK SO HARD TO CONTROL THE THINGS HE OBSESSES ABOUT, WON'T LET GO, THINGS HE THINK SHOULD HAPPEN. IT'S SO EXHAUSTING, WHY DON'T ONE OF YOU DO IT. I'M TAKING MY TIME ON THIS ONE BECAUSE I THINK IT'S THE BEST THING TO DO FOR NOW. I'VE CHOSEN NOT TO ENGAGE THIS BATTLE BECAUSE I'M EXHAUSTED WITH OTHER THINGS, MORE IMPORTANT THINGS LIKE HAVING THE STRENGTH TO LIVE HERE AND BE REASONABLY HAPPY, HAVING THE COURAGE TO LIVE IN A BROKEN MARRIAGE WITH YOUR SON JUST SO THE KIDS CAN BE WITH THEIR FATHER.
AND CAN'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH HE IS LIKE HIS FATHER, WHO IS LIKE YOU. WARM AND GENEROUS ON ONE SIDE, CONTROLLING ON THE OTHER. NOBODY TELLS YOU WHAT YOU SHOULD DO, THEY WOULDN'T DARE SO QUIT TELLING ME ABOUT THE THINGS YOU THINK I SHOULD DO.
The amount of anger here seems a little unreasonable. there are many issues tied up with it, baggage from the past with ex, issues with self confidence about being able to express my own opinion in a reasonable way.
so, I'm thinking, what does this situation need!
- calm
-thoughtfulness
-preparation
-xanax
I will take xanax so that I can go there with a calm mind and if she mentions it, which i'm 98% sure of, i will say the following:
for a lot of reasons, i know it would be better if my son ate noodles. but he doesn't. it's something i'm going to work on in the future because right now, i don't have the strength to do it. he's a very determined little boy and it will be hard work teaching him to eat something he doesn't like, so i'm going to tackle it when i feel i have to strength to succeed, perhaps when he's a little older. til then, i appreciate your concern, but would prefer it if you could let it go!
Am i going to say this? i don't know, i'd love to but i'm not really assertive. But i will take xanax to get thru this and see if it helps.
wish me luck on this very non important, trivial issue. that has a lot of explosive potential.
POST LUNCH:
We went there and my son started playing up as soon as we walked in the door. Even the xanax couldn't calm my anxiety when he did this. I knew I wouldn't be able to get him to eat the bloody noodles without a huge tantrum and ex, watching on, knew this too. Our son, eyes rolling, fists in little balls, tears at the ready, was about to meltdown. And thankfully for once, he stepped in. He told me to go eat and he handled the situation, calming the son and dealing with his mum who'd already relinquished her position with the comment "just let him eat what he wants, nevermind". And actually I was pretty proud of the way ex handled it. "Let me deal with my son" was all he said to her and he did. And, in between sobs and pleading eyes to me, our son ate his lunch of noodles, and he did it without the tantrum.
Phew. I was glad I'd taken the xanax just in case, but it was good to see ex step up and contribute too.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
I'll get through this without xanax
----------------
Now playing: Sopranos- Theme Song - Woke up This Morning
via FoxyTunes
Today was a normal day, especially nice in fact. Started off in the morning cooking rice for my mother in law who'd invited us for lunch. Then rang home to get the letters for the word puzzle they send me everyday via sms. (you get 9 letters and have to make as many words as possible and decode the 9 letter word. Results are graded as good, very good, excellent and genius)
It's a funny thing this word puzzle - when I was back home for holidays in May, we'd sit around the breakfast table and do this puzzle, all of us together - me, mum, dad, my daughter - and see whether we'd get to the genius level. It was relaxing, fun and when I came back, I missed it. So now I ask them to send the puzzle to me via sms and my daughter and I do it or I just do it on my own. I'm getting quite good now, I can usually figure out the nine letter word and get to the very good level. It's good for the brain, keeps that problem solving area ticking over.
Had a good chat to dad who'd answered the phone and we ended up talking about the way people do things. My dad is very much "do things when you feel like it" kind of guy, especially when it comes to doing things around the house. He's retired now, but still does things here and there, when he wants to. And of course it drives my mum crazy. I'm very much like my dad, at least I used to be. I'd think about doing things and think about them so much, I'd almost feel like I'd done them.
The point I made to dad, and I think it got his grey matter moving, was that you can have a huge list of things that you want to do but haven't (done) and a very tiny list of things that you've actually done. And I know for me, it wasn't good for my esteem, my skills or my life in general.
Fast forward 17 years and I'm a different person and glad for it. I do things for myself, off my own initiative, whereas before I was always being compelled by outside forces to get things done ie work, projects with ex etc. My list of things that I don't get done is much smaller than the list of things I do and I hope my dad can see that if it wasn't this way, I'd never be in a position to come back home.
Anyway, to the rest of the day. Lunch came and went, back home at 2-ish so that daughter can have some friends over at 2.30. At 2, ex calls and wants to know where we are, because daughter's friends have turned up a half hour early. So we get on to it and drive the 10 minutes home and are back at 2.15. Daughter has a lovely afternoon with friends and I do the housework and make afternoon tea. Later, ex comes into the kitchen and comments on how nice our daughter's friends are. I agree and then ask a stupid question, "BTW, how long were those girls here for?", thinking he'd say "oh 10 minutes, it's OK they were fine." but no, he said well, you guys got back at 2.30 and they'd been here since 2, so...." and he finished by shrugging his shoulders.
WRONG. TRIGGER. WRONG. MAJOR TRIGGER!
To my messed up mind, he wasn't interested in telling me how long they'd been there, he just wanted, again, to point out my mistakes and this really gets to me. I don't think he deliberately does it, but then I don't know him that well anymore.
I lay down in my room, to calm myself. I wanted to shout at him, make him see he was wrong, that not only were my daughter's friends early, but that we arrived within 10 minutes, not a half hour - but that never works for me, never has. So instead, I went to him and calmly told him I needed, for my own sake, a reality check. And I said "what time did the girls get here? 2? good, and what time did you ring me? as soon as they got here? good and I was leaving when you did that and it took me ten minutes to get here. OK? right! that's all I wanted to know." And I walked out. So I was OK - it happened as I thought it did.
I really did just want to know what took place because there's been times when he's said that something has happened and I know in my mind, that thing did not happen, yet he says it did (this is why I question who's got the problem here). I need to check what really happens, when the discrepancy is so obvious to me, so I don't drive myself stir crazy with self doubt and confusion.
If I was really mean, I could say that he plays mind games with me, to make me think that I really am incompetent and skewed. But he wouldn't do that... I don't think so.
Now playing: Sopranos- Theme Song - Woke up This Morning
via FoxyTunes
Today was a normal day, especially nice in fact. Started off in the morning cooking rice for my mother in law who'd invited us for lunch. Then rang home to get the letters for the word puzzle they send me everyday via sms. (you get 9 letters and have to make as many words as possible and decode the 9 letter word. Results are graded as good, very good, excellent and genius)
It's a funny thing this word puzzle - when I was back home for holidays in May, we'd sit around the breakfast table and do this puzzle, all of us together - me, mum, dad, my daughter - and see whether we'd get to the genius level. It was relaxing, fun and when I came back, I missed it. So now I ask them to send the puzzle to me via sms and my daughter and I do it or I just do it on my own. I'm getting quite good now, I can usually figure out the nine letter word and get to the very good level. It's good for the brain, keeps that problem solving area ticking over.
Had a good chat to dad who'd answered the phone and we ended up talking about the way people do things. My dad is very much "do things when you feel like it" kind of guy, especially when it comes to doing things around the house. He's retired now, but still does things here and there, when he wants to. And of course it drives my mum crazy. I'm very much like my dad, at least I used to be. I'd think about doing things and think about them so much, I'd almost feel like I'd done them.
The point I made to dad, and I think it got his grey matter moving, was that you can have a huge list of things that you want to do but haven't (done) and a very tiny list of things that you've actually done. And I know for me, it wasn't good for my esteem, my skills or my life in general.
Fast forward 17 years and I'm a different person and glad for it. I do things for myself, off my own initiative, whereas before I was always being compelled by outside forces to get things done ie work, projects with ex etc. My list of things that I don't get done is much smaller than the list of things I do and I hope my dad can see that if it wasn't this way, I'd never be in a position to come back home.
Anyway, to the rest of the day. Lunch came and went, back home at 2-ish so that daughter can have some friends over at 2.30. At 2, ex calls and wants to know where we are, because daughter's friends have turned up a half hour early. So we get on to it and drive the 10 minutes home and are back at 2.15. Daughter has a lovely afternoon with friends and I do the housework and make afternoon tea. Later, ex comes into the kitchen and comments on how nice our daughter's friends are. I agree and then ask a stupid question, "BTW, how long were those girls here for?", thinking he'd say "oh 10 minutes, it's OK they were fine." but no, he said well, you guys got back at 2.30 and they'd been here since 2, so...." and he finished by shrugging his shoulders.
WRONG. TRIGGER. WRONG. MAJOR TRIGGER!
To my messed up mind, he wasn't interested in telling me how long they'd been there, he just wanted, again, to point out my mistakes and this really gets to me. I don't think he deliberately does it, but then I don't know him that well anymore.
I lay down in my room, to calm myself. I wanted to shout at him, make him see he was wrong, that not only were my daughter's friends early, but that we arrived within 10 minutes, not a half hour - but that never works for me, never has. So instead, I went to him and calmly told him I needed, for my own sake, a reality check. And I said "what time did the girls get here? 2? good, and what time did you ring me? as soon as they got here? good and I was leaving when you did that and it took me ten minutes to get here. OK? right! that's all I wanted to know." And I walked out. So I was OK - it happened as I thought it did.
I really did just want to know what took place because there's been times when he's said that something has happened and I know in my mind, that thing did not happen, yet he says it did (this is why I question who's got the problem here). I need to check what really happens, when the discrepancy is so obvious to me, so I don't drive myself stir crazy with self doubt and confusion.
If I was really mean, I could say that he plays mind games with me, to make me think that I really am incompetent and skewed. But he wouldn't do that... I don't think so.
Monday, August 18, 2008
ponderings about what is....
----------------
Now playing: Paul Potts - Nessun Dorma
via FoxyTunes
Ex's family are worried about him and talking to me about it. He doesn't talk to them about stuff anymore, just superficial day to day topics. Nobody knows what he's doing with his money, what he's thinking, where he's going. I often wonder if he, himself does.
I can see him two ways - a person so lost and damaged that he just has to fumble his way through his life in this current moment, trying to rebuild his work ethic, his esteem, his sense of who he is. Enjoy his kids, because with me as a mother, he may lose them anytime as one day I go over the edge and flee with them. In trying to 'find himself', he tries lots of things, keeps an open mind about what might be the turn around trigger in his life. He does his best and keeps out of my way, fearing he may give me a reason to spiral down and do only god knows what.
The other way I can see him is as a person who has had enough - enough of being strong for other people, of pushing for change, of being the one who has to take care of everything, maybe of being used, of being the considerate person who always loses out to the selfish people. So now he's living life for himself and nobody else. Stuff everyone, say his actions, I'm going to try new things and get the most out of life for myself. Stuff you, mother of my children, I've given you everything I had and you didn't appreciate it, so now we're separated, I'm going to find out what's good for me. Go to a cousin's funeral? Stuff them, they didn't come and see me when I was in KL all that time. Go to a respected uncle's 60th birthday? I don't think so, not going to KL unless I really have to. Engage in risky behaviour? If I know what I'm doing, why shouldn't I? It's fun and I don't get stressed out about it. Angry? of course I'm angry, look what you did to me!
I guess when I see him, I see both these sides of him. He's a complicated human being, as we all are. In one way, I feel for him. So sorry that I didn't see what he was trying to do, so sorry that I didn't recognize the problems that I did (and still do) have. So sorry that I wasn't ready for a full on relationship when we met (not my fault, I know). So sorry you've had to put up with all the dysfunctionality that I have and sapped your strength trying to just be right!
But then I also see an arrogant, intolerant bastard who refuses to acknowledge that he had anything do to with our problems and because it was all me, I'm the one who needs to go off and fix myself. All the while, he gets to come and go as he pleases, as if I owe him at least that much. He doesn't answer to me and I feel like I'm sitting on the side lines, waiting for him to self destruct. I hope it doesn't happen. I don't want the kids memories to read something like "well, I lost my father when I was 6 (or 7 or 8) and then my mum had to raise us..... While sometime I'm very angry at him, I don't wish badly on him, not seriously anyway. But at times, it does feel like I'm waiting for a 'catastrophe' to happen. One that will propel us jarringly and helplessly into a future where only one of us is around for the kids - and I know I definitely plan to be here. A future which neither of us can possibly predict.
Then again, there's another side to it, but I dare not go there. This is, of course, the happy ending. We both say oh I'm so sorry, I was wrong, I love you, trust you and respect you and live a life where we understand each other's mistakes, forgive each other and go on knowing that we have our children's best interests at the top of our lists.
But I think there is definitely such a thing as too much water passing under the bridge. Things said that can never be taken back, hurtful words and deeds, feelings that will only go away in the absence of the other person. My fear and sadness are all locked up in this. Sadness that
the happy ending can never be because of all the water that has passed and the fear because of the unknown future - who knows what will happen next. Truth is, none of us do, so we live life day by day and it's the best we can do.
How horribly medicore for you ex, who always wanted so much more for yourself and us. I'm sorry.
Now playing: Paul Potts - Nessun Dorma
via FoxyTunes
Ex's family are worried about him and talking to me about it. He doesn't talk to them about stuff anymore, just superficial day to day topics. Nobody knows what he's doing with his money, what he's thinking, where he's going. I often wonder if he, himself does.
I can see him two ways - a person so lost and damaged that he just has to fumble his way through his life in this current moment, trying to rebuild his work ethic, his esteem, his sense of who he is. Enjoy his kids, because with me as a mother, he may lose them anytime as one day I go over the edge and flee with them. In trying to 'find himself', he tries lots of things, keeps an open mind about what might be the turn around trigger in his life. He does his best and keeps out of my way, fearing he may give me a reason to spiral down and do only god knows what.
The other way I can see him is as a person who has had enough - enough of being strong for other people, of pushing for change, of being the one who has to take care of everything, maybe of being used, of being the considerate person who always loses out to the selfish people. So now he's living life for himself and nobody else. Stuff everyone, say his actions, I'm going to try new things and get the most out of life for myself. Stuff you, mother of my children, I've given you everything I had and you didn't appreciate it, so now we're separated, I'm going to find out what's good for me. Go to a cousin's funeral? Stuff them, they didn't come and see me when I was in KL all that time. Go to a respected uncle's 60th birthday? I don't think so, not going to KL unless I really have to. Engage in risky behaviour? If I know what I'm doing, why shouldn't I? It's fun and I don't get stressed out about it. Angry? of course I'm angry, look what you did to me!
I guess when I see him, I see both these sides of him. He's a complicated human being, as we all are. In one way, I feel for him. So sorry that I didn't see what he was trying to do, so sorry that I didn't recognize the problems that I did (and still do) have. So sorry that I wasn't ready for a full on relationship when we met (not my fault, I know). So sorry you've had to put up with all the dysfunctionality that I have and sapped your strength trying to just be right!
But then I also see an arrogant, intolerant bastard who refuses to acknowledge that he had anything do to with our problems and because it was all me, I'm the one who needs to go off and fix myself. All the while, he gets to come and go as he pleases, as if I owe him at least that much. He doesn't answer to me and I feel like I'm sitting on the side lines, waiting for him to self destruct. I hope it doesn't happen. I don't want the kids memories to read something like "well, I lost my father when I was 6 (or 7 or 8) and then my mum had to raise us..... While sometime I'm very angry at him, I don't wish badly on him, not seriously anyway. But at times, it does feel like I'm waiting for a 'catastrophe' to happen. One that will propel us jarringly and helplessly into a future where only one of us is around for the kids - and I know I definitely plan to be here. A future which neither of us can possibly predict.
Then again, there's another side to it, but I dare not go there. This is, of course, the happy ending. We both say oh I'm so sorry, I was wrong, I love you, trust you and respect you and live a life where we understand each other's mistakes, forgive each other and go on knowing that we have our children's best interests at the top of our lists.
But I think there is definitely such a thing as too much water passing under the bridge. Things said that can never be taken back, hurtful words and deeds, feelings that will only go away in the absence of the other person. My fear and sadness are all locked up in this. Sadness that
the happy ending can never be because of all the water that has passed and the fear because of the unknown future - who knows what will happen next. Truth is, none of us do, so we live life day by day and it's the best we can do.
How horribly medicore for you ex, who always wanted so much more for yourself and us. I'm sorry.
The week of the birthdays
My two kids have their birthdays this week. Daughter is turning 8 and son is turning 6. Like every other mum, for me the time has gone too fast. They are young children now, not little kids, not babies. They fight, screech, scream and tantrum and at the same time they are funny, energetic, affectionate, curious, good-natured and very close.
For their birthdays, I've forgone the traditional party thing and instead told each of them that they can invite a friend over to play and that we'll have cake at night. The thought of them having a party and getting tons of things they don't need to add to the shelves of stuff they already have wasn't my idea of good living so we downsized the idea a bit.
They were allowed to buy each other a small prezzie each and I bought them one each. I like them to go shopping for each other, to think about the other person and to think about what that person likes, what they're into etc. I want to teach them that the whole world is not about them and that they need to think of other people. On this subject, ex and I agree.
Yesterday was my daughter's birthday. It was very low key, just the way I wanted it. Two little girls turned up at the gate right on time, played, ate and played some more, girly giggles and chinese words abounding. It was nice for her and oh so calming for me. I wanted her to have friends around because, to my mind, that what it should be like for little kids - having friends come and go, playing, laughing, smiling, sharing secrets and even fighting and arguing - finding out what the world is like in the context of people their own age. I'm well aware that my own kids don't get enough of this kind of stuff which is part of the reason I wanted their birthdays to be this way. People seldom refuse an invitation to a birthday, even one as subtle as ours and so at the end we exchanged phone numbers and promised to do it again.
It was a nice way to spend the day and I was so understressed, I could still cook dinner and have a 'birthday cake' supper afterwards with family coming over. Ex got stressed out here, just for a minute, because I didn't seem to be getting coffee fast enough. So he got started instead (good for him) and I arranged the cake thing and a few nibbles. Then he asked the dreaded question - one of my triggers - are you in control, do you know what you're doing? Yes, I answered lightly, determined not to spoil my daughter's birthday - and went about my business, knowing that my mum in law and sis in law are not sitting on the couch thinking "where's the coffee, god these people are slow off the mark". They were watching the Olympics badminton, which is why I wasn't in a real hurry to get the coffee in the first place.
All in all, I think I did well. However, I have to admit, that due to pre-conceptions about what ex might and might not say, I did enlist the help of xanax. I was feeling anxious in the morning, the bakery had gotten her cake completely wrong - a complete mystery because just two days before I'd gotten a cake out of their fridge and asked for exactly the same one to be baked for Sunday. How they got it wrong, I have no idea. The writing was right, the cake all wrong!
So I didn't do the day completely on my own but I got through it all the same and I ignored the two stupid trigger comments ex made during the day/night.
I'll get there.
For their birthdays, I've forgone the traditional party thing and instead told each of them that they can invite a friend over to play and that we'll have cake at night. The thought of them having a party and getting tons of things they don't need to add to the shelves of stuff they already have wasn't my idea of good living so we downsized the idea a bit.
They were allowed to buy each other a small prezzie each and I bought them one each. I like them to go shopping for each other, to think about the other person and to think about what that person likes, what they're into etc. I want to teach them that the whole world is not about them and that they need to think of other people. On this subject, ex and I agree.
Yesterday was my daughter's birthday. It was very low key, just the way I wanted it. Two little girls turned up at the gate right on time, played, ate and played some more, girly giggles and chinese words abounding. It was nice for her and oh so calming for me. I wanted her to have friends around because, to my mind, that what it should be like for little kids - having friends come and go, playing, laughing, smiling, sharing secrets and even fighting and arguing - finding out what the world is like in the context of people their own age. I'm well aware that my own kids don't get enough of this kind of stuff which is part of the reason I wanted their birthdays to be this way. People seldom refuse an invitation to a birthday, even one as subtle as ours and so at the end we exchanged phone numbers and promised to do it again.
It was a nice way to spend the day and I was so understressed, I could still cook dinner and have a 'birthday cake' supper afterwards with family coming over. Ex got stressed out here, just for a minute, because I didn't seem to be getting coffee fast enough. So he got started instead (good for him) and I arranged the cake thing and a few nibbles. Then he asked the dreaded question - one of my triggers - are you in control, do you know what you're doing? Yes, I answered lightly, determined not to spoil my daughter's birthday - and went about my business, knowing that my mum in law and sis in law are not sitting on the couch thinking "where's the coffee, god these people are slow off the mark". They were watching the Olympics badminton, which is why I wasn't in a real hurry to get the coffee in the first place.
All in all, I think I did well. However, I have to admit, that due to pre-conceptions about what ex might and might not say, I did enlist the help of xanax. I was feeling anxious in the morning, the bakery had gotten her cake completely wrong - a complete mystery because just two days before I'd gotten a cake out of their fridge and asked for exactly the same one to be baked for Sunday. How they got it wrong, I have no idea. The writing was right, the cake all wrong!
So I didn't do the day completely on my own but I got through it all the same and I ignored the two stupid trigger comments ex made during the day/night.
I'll get there.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Housecleaning the past few days
Well, I'm doing good, considering. Night before last, ex goes out for drinks at about 10pm. He's normally back within about 3 hours, sometimes longer - not that it's any of my business, but this night he didn't get back until 7am next morning.
Unfortunately, I'd gotten up at 4am to go to the toilet and noticed the light on so I knew he hadn't gotten home yet. As it was, I wasn't able to sleep because my mind went crazy.
Crazy with anger, crazy with worry, couldn't sleep because of all the scenarios going through my head. What would I do if something happens to him (worry), what will I tell the kids, what if he's not back and I need the car (anger), how can be be so inconsiderate (resentment), I hate being here, dependent on him for all these things (car, money), what if he's in hospital, injured in a car accident from drink driving, what if he's with another woman and everybody knows it but doesn't know we're separated (humiliated - (side note, adultery here is VERY common, accepted even), what if the people we both know, think I'm the worst woman ever and that's why he's got to go out and do these things. What if.... huge, ugly possibilities, all of them possible, none of them true.
When he walked in at 7am, he said was "it's OK" and went to go to bed. I told him he should have messaged me, I was worried. He said he wanted to be back before we all got up and he didn't want to wake me. A friend had gotten drunk and ex had stayed on to look after him. Fine, but I was still upset at not knowing where he was. One of the triggers for me in this situation is not knowing, and not being allowed to know, about the other parts of his life. It's hard to deal with because for 17 years, I knew everything. Now, I know nothing except for what goes on inside the house and what little he shares with me. I know I'm better off not knowing, it helps enormously with the emotional distance I need in order to maintain some kind of stability. But at the same time, I have this demented curiosity that wants to know, NEEDS to know. Maybe I'm looking for the THING that will be reason enough to leave. Maybe I'm just normal and curious. I'm too skewed to know which it is.
I could feel the rage, ebbing and subsiding as we talked. Submitting to it and letting it loose, was not an option, so I contained it, willing myself to send it to the back to the recesses of my mind, mentally cooling my muscles and trying to relax. It was like a physical beast, lurking underneath the surface of my skin and it felt hot, like thick molten lava, a volcano waiting to explode. Waiting for any excuse to jump out and pound him down, letting him know what an irresponsible father I really think he is. And I know, once it was out, there'd be no turning back and it's no longer about the issue at hand - 17 years of disgusting sludge from the past will all come out at once, taking hold and painting me as a victim and him as perpetrator of emotional, controlling abuse.
Of course, none of the sludge is true - we've 'rationally' agreed on that. I can never understand then, why the feeling are so intense, why they are there in the first place (my own research on this suggest I have misplaced abandonment issues stemming from my childhood). This is why I sometimes think I have borderline personality disorder, because my feelings just don't make sense.
I hate it when he's away, yet I'm much more relaxed when he is. I feel vulnerable when he's not around. It's rare here (in this town anyway) for a woman to live by herself - if not married, they usually stay with their parents. Me being a foreigner, with 2 small kids, somehow makes it worse. If something goes wrong with the house, car or one of the kids or me gets really sick, I'm at the mercy of friends and relatives for help. I'm terrified of getting sick here and needing to go to hospital. We don't have insurance and the nearest good hospital is in Malacca, about an hour and a half away. The ambulances here, the size of a normal van, look about equipped enough to transport someone with a bad flu, though I have seen bigger, better ones occasionally. So I hope for the best and am grateful for our extended family and the few friends I do have.
Writing this out, my mind is clearer now. The mess is tidied up and these things are out. In the past, I've kept a journal but never really got anything out of it. If I read back, I know I wasn't writing it for myself, I was writing it to please ex because he said I should write things down to clarify my thoughts. But they weren't my thoughts, they were our conversations about what I should do to improve myself and fix my problems. I'm going to burn them all, because they are not me.
This blog, is me. It's for me. I've been curtailing my thoughts and not writing as much because I didn't want to 'whinge', but that's what I need this blog for. Even though it's called living and teaching in malaysia, it's definitely not about that at all. I should have called it raging mind, mental head or something more appropriate. Pity those people who find it because they are searching for teaching resources in Malaysia or some such thing. They definitely won't find what they're looking for.
Anyway, I'm a lucky person today. No housework because the cleaner is here. I'm going to spend AUD20.00 and buy her and the family lunch at the local chicken rice shop where the lady who serves knows me very well, because I'm there once a week. Today we're eating roasted pork with sweet sauce on steamed rice. Yummo.
Unfortunately, I'd gotten up at 4am to go to the toilet and noticed the light on so I knew he hadn't gotten home yet. As it was, I wasn't able to sleep because my mind went crazy.
Crazy with anger, crazy with worry, couldn't sleep because of all the scenarios going through my head. What would I do if something happens to him (worry), what will I tell the kids, what if he's not back and I need the car (anger), how can be be so inconsiderate (resentment), I hate being here, dependent on him for all these things (car, money), what if he's in hospital, injured in a car accident from drink driving, what if he's with another woman and everybody knows it but doesn't know we're separated (humiliated - (side note, adultery here is VERY common, accepted even), what if the people we both know, think I'm the worst woman ever and that's why he's got to go out and do these things. What if.... huge, ugly possibilities, all of them possible, none of them true.
When he walked in at 7am, he said was "it's OK" and went to go to bed. I told him he should have messaged me, I was worried. He said he wanted to be back before we all got up and he didn't want to wake me. A friend had gotten drunk and ex had stayed on to look after him. Fine, but I was still upset at not knowing where he was. One of the triggers for me in this situation is not knowing, and not being allowed to know, about the other parts of his life. It's hard to deal with because for 17 years, I knew everything. Now, I know nothing except for what goes on inside the house and what little he shares with me. I know I'm better off not knowing, it helps enormously with the emotional distance I need in order to maintain some kind of stability. But at the same time, I have this demented curiosity that wants to know, NEEDS to know. Maybe I'm looking for the THING that will be reason enough to leave. Maybe I'm just normal and curious. I'm too skewed to know which it is.
I could feel the rage, ebbing and subsiding as we talked. Submitting to it and letting it loose, was not an option, so I contained it, willing myself to send it to the back to the recesses of my mind, mentally cooling my muscles and trying to relax. It was like a physical beast, lurking underneath the surface of my skin and it felt hot, like thick molten lava, a volcano waiting to explode. Waiting for any excuse to jump out and pound him down, letting him know what an irresponsible father I really think he is. And I know, once it was out, there'd be no turning back and it's no longer about the issue at hand - 17 years of disgusting sludge from the past will all come out at once, taking hold and painting me as a victim and him as perpetrator of emotional, controlling abuse.
Of course, none of the sludge is true - we've 'rationally' agreed on that. I can never understand then, why the feeling are so intense, why they are there in the first place (my own research on this suggest I have misplaced abandonment issues stemming from my childhood). This is why I sometimes think I have borderline personality disorder, because my feelings just don't make sense.
I hate it when he's away, yet I'm much more relaxed when he is. I feel vulnerable when he's not around. It's rare here (in this town anyway) for a woman to live by herself - if not married, they usually stay with their parents. Me being a foreigner, with 2 small kids, somehow makes it worse. If something goes wrong with the house, car or one of the kids or me gets really sick, I'm at the mercy of friends and relatives for help. I'm terrified of getting sick here and needing to go to hospital. We don't have insurance and the nearest good hospital is in Malacca, about an hour and a half away. The ambulances here, the size of a normal van, look about equipped enough to transport someone with a bad flu, though I have seen bigger, better ones occasionally. So I hope for the best and am grateful for our extended family and the few friends I do have.
Writing this out, my mind is clearer now. The mess is tidied up and these things are out. In the past, I've kept a journal but never really got anything out of it. If I read back, I know I wasn't writing it for myself, I was writing it to please ex because he said I should write things down to clarify my thoughts. But they weren't my thoughts, they were our conversations about what I should do to improve myself and fix my problems. I'm going to burn them all, because they are not me.
This blog, is me. It's for me. I've been curtailing my thoughts and not writing as much because I didn't want to 'whinge', but that's what I need this blog for. Even though it's called living and teaching in malaysia, it's definitely not about that at all. I should have called it raging mind, mental head or something more appropriate. Pity those people who find it because they are searching for teaching resources in Malaysia or some such thing. They definitely won't find what they're looking for.
Anyway, I'm a lucky person today. No housework because the cleaner is here. I'm going to spend AUD20.00 and buy her and the family lunch at the local chicken rice shop where the lady who serves knows me very well, because I'm there once a week. Today we're eating roasted pork with sweet sauce on steamed rice. Yummo.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
BPD? and other thoughts.
If I hate ex so much as per the last post, why do I feel so bad when he goes out. I don't feel bad all the time, but tonight I do. It's not like it's anything new - he goes out at least a few times a week. What is inside me that is so broken, that I feel like this - love hate love hate love hate? I've read the BPD diagnostic criteria and this "flipping of affection" is a classic trait. It's one of the reasons I think I have it.
however I did hear from someone in a forum that they thought they had BPD and it turned out they were just really unhappy. That seems to be a more likely explanation for me. I've been very unhappy for a long time and I think it justs manifests itself in the anger and intense emotions I feel. But then again, I'm not a psychologist, so I don't really know. And it doesn't matter anyway does it. Label or no label, the feeling and behaviours are there and need to be dealt with. I know I make myself sound like a complete head case. In reality, if you were standing next to me, you'd just be standing next to a normal person. I'm really just like everybody else, but don't tell ex that, he won't believe you. :)
The xanax has been a big help. It just tides me over til I'm feeling better again. It dulls the emotions, slows the mind and generally provides a cooling down effect when my mind goes nuts. I only need it once in a while and by using it, hope to remove the black days. Since I've started taking it, the black days have been coloured pink, sometimes green. I'll need to go back to the doctor's on saturday to get another supply. It would be a bad thing to need it and not have it.
I've also stopped talking to ex about anything to do with how I'm feeling. He does ask sometimes, but I just shake my head and walk away. I don't know why he persists in asking. If I tell him, he's not going to like what I've got to say and he's not prepared to just listen, so I think, why bother. Do we really need to go there? No. I will forever keep my thoughts to myself. He will never know the real me, the me who has grown up, who thinks, who analyses, who is aware and thoughtful (for the most part). He will never know his part in getting me where I am today and that his hard work and persistence over the years have paid off.
One of the things I'm grateful for is that ex taught me how to look at myself and consider the impact I had on others around me. I really was that clueless, not ever thinking about anybody else but myself. Everything was about me. For years and years we spent hours fighting and talking about me, me and more me, something I despised for a very long time, yet he thought it necessary helping mend our dysfunctional relationship. Now I know better, I do better.
I kid myself and think that if only he could see the difference in me, he would think differently about me. It doesn't change how he thinks about me. and if he sees improvements in one area, he will go on about something else. I didn't realise that for a long time, always thinking that if I fixed this or that, then we'd be right. I couldn't have been more wrong.
When I had my first child, I thought that once he could see what a good mother I was, everything would be fine. I always wanted children and I had a very strong maternal instinct, even when I was a kid. My daughter is the same. So naturally, I thought I'd make a good mum and he would see it too. BOY WAS I WRONG. Having kids just presented more areas for me to make mistakes in and more areas for him to criticise (well that's how I take it anyway, whether it really is criticism or not).
Ex says I'm oversensitive - I probably am, no wait, I know I am. Have been for as long as i can remember. But that's just me. I can handle criticism much better now (ironically thanks to ex and all the talking aabout it), but it still hurts like a knife when someone says something I don't think is fair.
Ramblings on, i wonder what this will look like in the morning after a good night's sleep and and a clear head.
Night all.
however I did hear from someone in a forum that they thought they had BPD and it turned out they were just really unhappy. That seems to be a more likely explanation for me. I've been very unhappy for a long time and I think it justs manifests itself in the anger and intense emotions I feel. But then again, I'm not a psychologist, so I don't really know. And it doesn't matter anyway does it. Label or no label, the feeling and behaviours are there and need to be dealt with. I know I make myself sound like a complete head case. In reality, if you were standing next to me, you'd just be standing next to a normal person. I'm really just like everybody else, but don't tell ex that, he won't believe you. :)
The xanax has been a big help. It just tides me over til I'm feeling better again. It dulls the emotions, slows the mind and generally provides a cooling down effect when my mind goes nuts. I only need it once in a while and by using it, hope to remove the black days. Since I've started taking it, the black days have been coloured pink, sometimes green. I'll need to go back to the doctor's on saturday to get another supply. It would be a bad thing to need it and not have it.
I've also stopped talking to ex about anything to do with how I'm feeling. He does ask sometimes, but I just shake my head and walk away. I don't know why he persists in asking. If I tell him, he's not going to like what I've got to say and he's not prepared to just listen, so I think, why bother. Do we really need to go there? No. I will forever keep my thoughts to myself. He will never know the real me, the me who has grown up, who thinks, who analyses, who is aware and thoughtful (for the most part). He will never know his part in getting me where I am today and that his hard work and persistence over the years have paid off.
One of the things I'm grateful for is that ex taught me how to look at myself and consider the impact I had on others around me. I really was that clueless, not ever thinking about anybody else but myself. Everything was about me. For years and years we spent hours fighting and talking about me, me and more me, something I despised for a very long time, yet he thought it necessary helping mend our dysfunctional relationship. Now I know better, I do better.
I kid myself and think that if only he could see the difference in me, he would think differently about me. It doesn't change how he thinks about me. and if he sees improvements in one area, he will go on about something else. I didn't realise that for a long time, always thinking that if I fixed this or that, then we'd be right. I couldn't have been more wrong.
When I had my first child, I thought that once he could see what a good mother I was, everything would be fine. I always wanted children and I had a very strong maternal instinct, even when I was a kid. My daughter is the same. So naturally, I thought I'd make a good mum and he would see it too. BOY WAS I WRONG. Having kids just presented more areas for me to make mistakes in and more areas for him to criticise (well that's how I take it anyway, whether it really is criticism or not).
Ex says I'm oversensitive - I probably am, no wait, I know I am. Have been for as long as i can remember. But that's just me. I can handle criticism much better now (ironically thanks to ex and all the talking aabout it), but it still hurts like a knife when someone says something I don't think is fair.
Ramblings on, i wonder what this will look like in the morning after a good night's sleep and and a clear head.
Night all.
Monday, August 11, 2008
10 things I hate about you
No medals for guessing who this rant is aimed at:
there are endless dishes on the sink, even though I haven't really been here. If you like everything so clean and neat, why don't YOU do them.
there are piles of ironing, stubbornly waiting to be done by you, who said that you will keep doing the ironing. You've said in the past that you will do it because you're more efficient at it than me. So do it already.
a quicken accounting file that refuses to send, and of course it's due today. I've been trying to send the file since last night. Now, because it's a reasonably big file (8Mb), and my connection is dropping in and out, it's not sending. My mind, being what it is, is just screaming to yell all this out to you, because if I wasn't living in this hole of a country, I would have been able to send this thing yesterday. And you're acting like I'm this huge bother to you. I feel like I'm in the way, even in the kitchen I had to walk away because you tut-tutting about this and that and asking me to move in THAT tone of voice. So when I asked you to help send this VERY IMPORTANT file to OUR accountant, the least you could do is help. But nooooo, you've got other things on your mind. It's OK though, I will charge the business my premium fee for taking care of this for us.
The way you say "I'd better make the decision, because no-one else will make them" - you're the one fucking driving, moron, you're supposed to make those decisions, and you KNOW I have trouble navigating and you're supposed to be so good at it, why rely on me and then get angry at me because I can't do it. GOD, I hate it when you do that. This happened while we were shopping yesterday. Now for us to go shopping, it's a major trip - this one was 2 hours drive away. Shopping malls are non-existent in our town, so when we need to buy toys and books, clothes for me, we need to travel. I took half a xanax yesterday morning in preparation for the trip and had to take another half when we got there two hours later. Just the fact that I'm the one taking the medication, makes it seem like it's my fault, but his expectations are so unreasonable sometimes.
uh-oh, guess what, spiral coming, black days ahead and yes it is THAT time of month. I'm going to have to be very careful about how I come across, what I say and how I do things.
I hate it when you walk around in your underpants. Rub my nose in it why don't you (not literally).
I hate chinese - I never get it and I know I don't want to because it's linked with you.
I hate it when you talk about things that are healthy for you and ask me to try and change the kids diet so that they don't eat so much bread and milk and yet you will eat half a large packet of potato chips and drink a bottle of beer on your own. Isn't that hypocritical?
I hate it when we are talking and you talk about how I talk and about how bad it is. Get over it already - you're giving me agendas I don't have.
I hate it how I always have to agree with you, otherwise I'm being difficult. Arguing is not an option and even quietly letting you know my opinion is counterproductive because you take it as absolute and see it a a problem with my personality.
I hate how you don't have a real job, and what you're doing is not making you much money but you think one day it will. I hope for your sake it does, because if I find out you can't support us and have to borrow from your family just to make end meet, I'm out of here.
Most of all, I hate that I can't move on because of all these hateful thoughts that keep coming up. I've been thinking about thinking positive, creating the vision I want for myself, affirming the thoughts through actions blah, blah, blah but this stuff comes up and poisons it all and then I'm back to square 1.
I'm glad this blog takes it all. I never really want to say these things to you. There's no point. As people, we are OK, we're just not good together. So be it.
----------------
Now playing: David Cook (Lionel Richie Cover) - Hello
----------------
Now playing: James Blunt - High (live)
via FoxyTunes
via FoxyTunes
there are endless dishes on the sink, even though I haven't really been here. If you like everything so clean and neat, why don't YOU do them.
there are piles of ironing, stubbornly waiting to be done by you, who said that you will keep doing the ironing. You've said in the past that you will do it because you're more efficient at it than me. So do it already.
a quicken accounting file that refuses to send, and of course it's due today. I've been trying to send the file since last night. Now, because it's a reasonably big file (8Mb), and my connection is dropping in and out, it's not sending. My mind, being what it is, is just screaming to yell all this out to you, because if I wasn't living in this hole of a country, I would have been able to send this thing yesterday. And you're acting like I'm this huge bother to you. I feel like I'm in the way, even in the kitchen I had to walk away because you tut-tutting about this and that and asking me to move in THAT tone of voice. So when I asked you to help send this VERY IMPORTANT file to OUR accountant, the least you could do is help. But nooooo, you've got other things on your mind. It's OK though, I will charge the business my premium fee for taking care of this for us.
The way you say "I'd better make the decision, because no-one else will make them" - you're the one fucking driving, moron, you're supposed to make those decisions, and you KNOW I have trouble navigating and you're supposed to be so good at it, why rely on me and then get angry at me because I can't do it. GOD, I hate it when you do that. This happened while we were shopping yesterday. Now for us to go shopping, it's a major trip - this one was 2 hours drive away. Shopping malls are non-existent in our town, so when we need to buy toys and books, clothes for me, we need to travel. I took half a xanax yesterday morning in preparation for the trip and had to take another half when we got there two hours later. Just the fact that I'm the one taking the medication, makes it seem like it's my fault, but his expectations are so unreasonable sometimes.
uh-oh, guess what, spiral coming, black days ahead and yes it is THAT time of month. I'm going to have to be very careful about how I come across, what I say and how I do things.
I hate it when you walk around in your underpants. Rub my nose in it why don't you (not literally).
I hate chinese - I never get it and I know I don't want to because it's linked with you.
I hate it when you talk about things that are healthy for you and ask me to try and change the kids diet so that they don't eat so much bread and milk and yet you will eat half a large packet of potato chips and drink a bottle of beer on your own. Isn't that hypocritical?
I hate it when we are talking and you talk about how I talk and about how bad it is. Get over it already - you're giving me agendas I don't have.
I hate it how I always have to agree with you, otherwise I'm being difficult. Arguing is not an option and even quietly letting you know my opinion is counterproductive because you take it as absolute and see it a a problem with my personality.
I hate how you don't have a real job, and what you're doing is not making you much money but you think one day it will. I hope for your sake it does, because if I find out you can't support us and have to borrow from your family just to make end meet, I'm out of here.
Most of all, I hate that I can't move on because of all these hateful thoughts that keep coming up. I've been thinking about thinking positive, creating the vision I want for myself, affirming the thoughts through actions blah, blah, blah but this stuff comes up and poisons it all and then I'm back to square 1.
I'm glad this blog takes it all. I never really want to say these things to you. There's no point. As people, we are OK, we're just not good together. So be it.
----------------
Now playing: David Cook (Lionel Richie Cover) - Hello
----------------
Now playing: James Blunt - High (live)
via FoxyTunes
via FoxyTunes
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Follow your instinct
The universe has been throwing this message at me for the last two or three days, which is why I think I've been struggling. On the one hand, my emotional instincts tell me to "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, TAKE THE KIDS, RUN, YOU CAN HAVE A BETTER LIFE IN AUSTRALIA - SCHOOLS, FAMILY, WORK, FOOD - WHAT ARE YOU? A FUCKING DOORMAT? WHY DON'T YOU STAND UP FOR YOURSELF? GO, RUN, NOW! This is the emotional me, the one that takes hold in times of weakness, the one that requires the dose of xanax to let it pass.
On the other hand, the rational me is thinking:
Just do this, it's OK. The kids are in school, they are reasonably happy, you can survive here, wait it out patiently and bide your time. There are many people worse off than you. He will agree to let them have their secondary schooling in Australia because he is a good father who doesn't let his emotions rule his decisions. Remember, you needed to separate from him - your relationship was crushing you, you are free from the criticism now that he no longer brings up all your mistakes. You needed to separate to save yourself. Remember that! He does have control issues, even if he doesn't think so. You can be here and survive emotionally, but you need to be strong.
When I came back with my son, to Malaysia from my home town in September 07, to live here with ex and the kids, I was following an instinct. My entire family didn't want me to come back. My dad fretted for me, saying it would destroy me. I felt good at home and knew I was loved. My self esteem had increased 100 %, but I knew in my heart the best thing for the kids (whose well being is at the top of the list) was for them to be together. I knew that if I set my mind to it, I would be able to live here and be OK.
And I knew it wouldn't be easy - that I was prone to emotional breakdowns, that I would have to sit by and watch him go off for the weekend to enjoy himself, that I wouldn't be able to talk about stuff to him. I knew all that and more and still, in my heart, knew it was better to come back.
WHY? Because here, they have both parents and can be together (he will not let me take both kids), because I can't break my daughter's heart again by leaving her alone with her father and finally, I DO NOT need to give that man another reason to be angry at me. He is not a violent man, but he is very smart, and has a dogged determination that you don't see in many people. He will fight for them, and fight hard and smart - and my greatest fear comes to the fore here - if I fight now - I WILL LOSE!!
There you have it.
On the other hand, the rational me is thinking:
Just do this, it's OK. The kids are in school, they are reasonably happy, you can survive here, wait it out patiently and bide your time. There are many people worse off than you. He will agree to let them have their secondary schooling in Australia because he is a good father who doesn't let his emotions rule his decisions. Remember, you needed to separate from him - your relationship was crushing you, you are free from the criticism now that he no longer brings up all your mistakes. You needed to separate to save yourself. Remember that! He does have control issues, even if he doesn't think so. You can be here and survive emotionally, but you need to be strong.
When I came back with my son, to Malaysia from my home town in September 07, to live here with ex and the kids, I was following an instinct. My entire family didn't want me to come back. My dad fretted for me, saying it would destroy me. I felt good at home and knew I was loved. My self esteem had increased 100 %, but I knew in my heart the best thing for the kids (whose well being is at the top of the list) was for them to be together. I knew that if I set my mind to it, I would be able to live here and be OK.
And I knew it wouldn't be easy - that I was prone to emotional breakdowns, that I would have to sit by and watch him go off for the weekend to enjoy himself, that I wouldn't be able to talk about stuff to him. I knew all that and more and still, in my heart, knew it was better to come back.
WHY? Because here, they have both parents and can be together (he will not let me take both kids), because I can't break my daughter's heart again by leaving her alone with her father and finally, I DO NOT need to give that man another reason to be angry at me. He is not a violent man, but he is very smart, and has a dogged determination that you don't see in many people. He will fight for them, and fight hard and smart - and my greatest fear comes to the fore here - if I fight now - I WILL LOSE!!
There you have it.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Doubts
The thing that scares me most is, what if I've got it wrong. What if the things ex says are not true? (that I have BPD, that my behaviour is unreasonable, that I've hurt him so badly that he can never forgive me). What if I'm closer to normal than he is and he's completely screwed up, yet still got me thinking that it's me.
I know that everyone back home thinks it's all his fault. That I'm a doormat. That he has the power and that he's controlling me for whatever reason it is that some people want to control other people. They think that because he's screwed up, his perception of my actions towards him have been taken completely out of context.
What if.... this pattern of thinking arises when I hear or see things that raise doubts in my mind about the reality of the situation. Right now, one of those things are that his family is worried about him. They told me so, without me prompting them. Apparently he's stopped talking to them too, about what he's doing, how he's making money and what if any, his plans are.
Ex has stated quite clearly that I'm not to talk about him to any of his family or friends. And I don't normally, but this time it was different. They wanted to talk to me, to find out if I knew any different from them. I know a bit more, but I could never tell. If they really knew what he was doing when he went away, they'd be concerned. It's a bit like when i tell someone I use xanax - they are concerned first but settle down when I explain that it's not all the time, it's only a very little dose and it really does help. He's quite arrogant though and can't see what the concern would be about and he thinks he knows what he's doing.
I know I'm being confusing, I am confused and not being a writer, sometimes it's hard to articulate what the problem is.
But what if I'm wrong and I'm just making it worse for myself by staying here. Digging myself into a deeper hole that I'm never going to get out of. I hate not knowing the future. I hate his power over me. But I can't let the hate dictate my actions. Ugggh I'll see if I can clarify a few things in another post.
I know that everyone back home thinks it's all his fault. That I'm a doormat. That he has the power and that he's controlling me for whatever reason it is that some people want to control other people. They think that because he's screwed up, his perception of my actions towards him have been taken completely out of context.
What if.... this pattern of thinking arises when I hear or see things that raise doubts in my mind about the reality of the situation. Right now, one of those things are that his family is worried about him. They told me so, without me prompting them. Apparently he's stopped talking to them too, about what he's doing, how he's making money and what if any, his plans are.
Ex has stated quite clearly that I'm not to talk about him to any of his family or friends. And I don't normally, but this time it was different. They wanted to talk to me, to find out if I knew any different from them. I know a bit more, but I could never tell. If they really knew what he was doing when he went away, they'd be concerned. It's a bit like when i tell someone I use xanax - they are concerned first but settle down when I explain that it's not all the time, it's only a very little dose and it really does help. He's quite arrogant though and can't see what the concern would be about and he thinks he knows what he's doing.
I know I'm being confusing, I am confused and not being a writer, sometimes it's hard to articulate what the problem is.
But what if I'm wrong and I'm just making it worse for myself by staying here. Digging myself into a deeper hole that I'm never going to get out of. I hate not knowing the future. I hate his power over me. But I can't let the hate dictate my actions. Ugggh I'll see if I can clarify a few things in another post.
Can you think your way to a better life?
Recently on TV (I do watch a lot) I saw an Oprah show on positive thinking and how it can lead people to a better life.
The theory is that you think of the things you want (peace, Australia, second car, money etc), place them firmly in the mind and the positive energy that you give out about these things will make them come true.
Now, I'm an atheist and don't believe in a higher power as such. But there have been instance in my life where I've been thinking of something or someone and bang!, it's happened. For example, 3 times in a row when I was shopping in KL (different shopping centres) I'd been thinking of these friends who I would have like to have seen when I was there. I'd been thinking of them on and off during the morning and lo and behold, we ended up running into each other. My sis said that it's just coincidence and it probably is - but 3 times!!
When I asked her whether she believed it or not, she basically said yes. Does positive thinking bring about the changes you want to make in your life. She said "How can it not!"
Anyway, what do other people think. Has anyone had positive changes come about because of the way they were thinking?
The other issue that this Oprah episode brought up was that if you desperately want something (anything) it won't come to you because of the negative energy that surrounds the desperation. I can really relate to this - if I want something from ex, I will cry, rage, say all the things I know he wants to hear (right or not) til he gives me what I want. After he stopped doing that, (ie stopped buying into the BPD behaviour) things got worse and when I realised it wasn't any use, I tried to - sometimes unsuccessfully - stop doing it. This is the same as kids throwing tantrums.
So if I just stay stable and keep in my mind what I want for me and the kids, does it have a better chance of coming true, as opposed to literally fighting for what I want and resenting those around me when it doesn't happen. So can positive thinking lead me to a better life? In my sis's words, how can it not? Something to ponder.
The theory is that you think of the things you want (peace, Australia, second car, money etc), place them firmly in the mind and the positive energy that you give out about these things will make them come true.
Now, I'm an atheist and don't believe in a higher power as such. But there have been instance in my life where I've been thinking of something or someone and bang!, it's happened. For example, 3 times in a row when I was shopping in KL (different shopping centres) I'd been thinking of these friends who I would have like to have seen when I was there. I'd been thinking of them on and off during the morning and lo and behold, we ended up running into each other. My sis said that it's just coincidence and it probably is - but 3 times!!
When I asked her whether she believed it or not, she basically said yes. Does positive thinking bring about the changes you want to make in your life. She said "How can it not!"
Anyway, what do other people think. Has anyone had positive changes come about because of the way they were thinking?
The other issue that this Oprah episode brought up was that if you desperately want something (anything) it won't come to you because of the negative energy that surrounds the desperation. I can really relate to this - if I want something from ex, I will cry, rage, say all the things I know he wants to hear (right or not) til he gives me what I want. After he stopped doing that, (ie stopped buying into the BPD behaviour) things got worse and when I realised it wasn't any use, I tried to - sometimes unsuccessfully - stop doing it. This is the same as kids throwing tantrums.
So if I just stay stable and keep in my mind what I want for me and the kids, does it have a better chance of coming true, as opposed to literally fighting for what I want and resenting those around me when it doesn't happen. So can positive thinking lead me to a better life? In my sis's words, how can it not? Something to ponder.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Right Now
Wearing:
My pyjamas - 10 am on a saturday morning, it's nice to hang around in something comfortable, read, eat and get ready for the day.
Eating - kraft cheese spread on generic wholemeal bread
Drinking - dilmah tea, white, flat one (spoon of sugar)
Listening to - David Cook (American Idol winner) and the Fray - their "how to save a life" is the theme song for Gray's Anatomy. Just fixed the echoing problem with my speakers.
A while ago, the sound coming from my speakers changed to include a weird echo, so I thought my speakers had had it. After buying 2 new sets of not too expensive speakers (which didn't seem to make much difference anyway), I happened to find the equalizer program on my computer's task bar and thought hmmmm what's this (I can be really stupid sometimes, I should have realised it was a setting problem). So I opened it up and found a whole slew of new settings that I can choose. But some little guy has been here before and has chosen a sound effect called "sewer pipe" which gives a nice eery echo to your music - I changed this back to normal and hey presto, problem fixed! Now I can enjoy my music once again. So happy for not needing ex to help me, though it probably would have been cheaper!
Doing - getting the kids breakfast, browsing the internet, reading blogs, news, cleaning the dishes.
Reading: Australian Women's weekly and Malaysian Women's Weekly - the australian version is more interesting, but then I'm biased.
Thinking about: Averting horrible thoughts involving ex and his current weekend away and engaging in drinking, women, shopping and other risky behaviour which I have sworn I will never tell anyone (of course until it comes down to divorce which my lawyers have told me I'll need all the dirt I can muster - yuck).
As an aside, saying you have a lawyer doesn't really mean you actually have one. I visited a local lawyer when I was back home and in my 'first (and only) session free' asked about custody matters and what it would take to instigate a case. So, I have a lawyer, sort of.
Contemplating: what kind of exercise would be suitable. I still haven't started anything yet, despite being fully aware that I need it, it helps my mind as well as my body. I think I'll start swimming again, something I do enjoy.
So that's right now. Live in the present, appreciate the little things.
Have a nice Saturday!
My pyjamas - 10 am on a saturday morning, it's nice to hang around in something comfortable, read, eat and get ready for the day.
Eating - kraft cheese spread on generic wholemeal bread
Drinking - dilmah tea, white, flat one (spoon of sugar)
Listening to - David Cook (American Idol winner) and the Fray - their "how to save a life" is the theme song for Gray's Anatomy. Just fixed the echoing problem with my speakers.
A while ago, the sound coming from my speakers changed to include a weird echo, so I thought my speakers had had it. After buying 2 new sets of not too expensive speakers (which didn't seem to make much difference anyway), I happened to find the equalizer program on my computer's task bar and thought hmmmm what's this (I can be really stupid sometimes, I should have realised it was a setting problem). So I opened it up and found a whole slew of new settings that I can choose. But some little guy has been here before and has chosen a sound effect called "sewer pipe" which gives a nice eery echo to your music - I changed this back to normal and hey presto, problem fixed! Now I can enjoy my music once again. So happy for not needing ex to help me, though it probably would have been cheaper!
Doing - getting the kids breakfast, browsing the internet, reading blogs, news, cleaning the dishes.
Reading: Australian Women's weekly and Malaysian Women's Weekly - the australian version is more interesting, but then I'm biased.
Thinking about: Averting horrible thoughts involving ex and his current weekend away and engaging in drinking, women, shopping and other risky behaviour which I have sworn I will never tell anyone (of course until it comes down to divorce which my lawyers have told me I'll need all the dirt I can muster - yuck).
As an aside, saying you have a lawyer doesn't really mean you actually have one. I visited a local lawyer when I was back home and in my 'first (and only) session free' asked about custody matters and what it would take to instigate a case. So, I have a lawyer, sort of.
Contemplating: what kind of exercise would be suitable. I still haven't started anything yet, despite being fully aware that I need it, it helps my mind as well as my body. I think I'll start swimming again, something I do enjoy.
So that's right now. Live in the present, appreciate the little things.
Have a nice Saturday!
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