Well, I've been quite busy actually. Early afternoon is a dead time for me. I've had lunch, driven the kids to school and am usually waiting for a student to arrive, which doesn't happen until 2.30 at the earliest. On Mondays I don't have any students coming so I'm usually free. This is the time I am lucky enough to be able to catch up on my sleep, laze around on my bed, browse, listen to music, cool down in front of my aircon or just take time to read. I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now, for the second time.
Just as well I have some time to give because the autistic centre is a mess and I don't mean literally. The teachers are stressed because they can't get the things done that they need done, there are funding issues to be resolved and their internet connection has been cut because nobody can get around to paying the RM600+ bill, which is stressing the teachers out even more. The co-ordinator there has been talking to me and spilling out all the stress and related matters and really, there are so many things - lots of little niggly things that need sorting, so I took it as a cue to step in and get some things resolved if possible.
Issue 1: Connection to the internet
That particular matter was resolved yesterday. I'd rung the person who has the bill and hasn't paid it to get him to send it by fax to KL headquarters so that it can be paid and we can make a start on getting reconnected. It's tough because this person is really busy (aren't we all, no wait, I'm not) and he's a good friend of mine. He's disorganised and doesn't seem to like the teachers much, always asking them to justify the things they need. Come on, every organisation needs to be online. They need to do research, communicate with KL Headquarters who send important documents via email and it would be handy to access online worksheets, games and things like that for the kids. An internet connection is almost as necessary as a phone line these days. This little mess has been going on for months, so I'm glad it's been resolved to the point where the bill has actually been paid. Now though, they're still 2 months behind in payments according to the bill we got today, but now I can make sure it will get sent to the right person in a reasonable amount of time.
Now we have to organise reconnection, but before that, another somebody has to come along to rewire the phone line because apparently the current wiring is not compatible with the fax they've installed. It sounds crazy, but even with a phone splitter, you can hear the fax line during a phone call. We'll see what can be done.
Issue 2: Assistants who don't follow instructions
I've never had this problem but the new assistant thinks she's quite capable of handling students on her own, which doesn't sound so bad, except that she really has no idea what she's doing.She insisted on doing one child's assessment and evaluation and completely messed it up, probably because the assessment paper is in English and she doesn't speaks next to no English. I am now redoing the assessment, partly because I know the child in question (I taught him a few weeks before he started at the centre) but mostly because I can understand the teacher-speak of the assessment paper.
Issue 3: A chairman that's too busy
He's a little prone to losing things and promising lots but delivering less because of his commitments to his work and probably because he justs forgets. This man is my friend. He's a generous, kind, gentle soul and a wonderfully gifted musician but, unfortunately, not a very good chairman. I'm sure he felt obligated to take on this position because he was part of the initial organising group that started up the autistic centre. But really, he just doesn't have the time. They want me to take on the position, which I probably could do, but I have no idea what's involved - I may be able to do it conjunction with the secretary - but that's messy because he is ex's best mate. We'll see what happens.
In the meantime, the centre has really stalled in terms of being able to take in more students and giving the students a wider range of programs. Now this is something I do know about. I have a vision of the types of programs the centre should offer and how it can benefit the students. I know how to implement the prorgrams and what equipment is needed. I can work out what money is needed. And I want to set up a local DONORS CHOOSE list, where people who want to donate are presented with a list of things the centre needs and can choose exactly what to buy. They have a system like this in the US for schools and it works really well - or so I've heard.
Anyway, that's what's keeping me busy. And packing...the suitcase is down and dusted and has a few things in it. I'm taking my crystal champagne flutes back home to store safely. They are just sitting in the cupboard here. Champagne anyone? I figure I'll have more to celebrate back home when I'm around people that want to be around me. Here, not so much. I'm also taking my degrees back. I want them home waiting for me when I get back (finally). I actually want all MY things back - my own personal things that people have given me, that I didn't purchase with ex - he can have all that, I don't want it because, well, just because I don't.
So to packing it is. I wish you a good day, if you're still reading. I hope you are, you're very important to me. You've given me a sense of worth and support when I couldn't give that to myself and for that, I shall always be grateful and I hope that one day I can reciprocate.
Cheers
3 weeks and 6 days...
Friday, October 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Some things are scary
Well, as an update to the last post, the machine's been unblocked (I bet you've been wondering about that (not :) LOL. Ex got in there and got his hands dirty the day after he returned, unblocking the pipes and cleaning out all the little bits of rubber. It made me feel a bit dumb because that's the kind of thing I can handle myself, but still, I'm glad he handled it.
*
I hate loud noises, is that OK with you, ex?
Yesterday we had a huge storm happen right over our neighbourhood. Great clapping booms of thunder and flashes of lightning every few minutes. Pounding rain almost filling up the drain and coming down onto the roof so loudly, you couldn't hear the tv. I was in my room getting dressed after showering when this huge clap of thunder rang out and a bolt of lightning came down and hit the ground just outside my window, sounding like it was going to blow the windows out. It literally frightened the pants back off of me - I dropped them while putting them on. Wanting to get out of my room really quickly to somewhere with no glass, I grabbed my pants and ran out of my room, only to run into ex, who was saying "Are you alright?" I wasn't. I was shaking and just trying to get my breath back so I could tell him, yes I was OK, but he started with the "It's OK, it's just thunder/lightning" with a tone that told me I was being stupid. I know what he was thinking - how can you be like this when you're an adult - adults, grown up people, shouldn't be like this, your a mother, how could you? (Note: he didn't say this, but he was thinking it, I could tell by the look on his face). But I am. I don't like really loud noises - I'm not talking the roar of a crowd or a concert or anything like that, but really loud thunder or military jets flying directly over always manage to get the adrenalin going. Nope, don't like (unexpected) loud noises.
And I must thank my lovely sister, who gave me hug over the phone and took my mind off the whole stupid matter. She said all the right things that made me feel normal, instead of like some wimpy freak. We talked for a while until I felt calmer and less angry at ex. I was angry because as she said, he's here, but not here for me. Not even a little bit. She hit the nail on the head.
*
Meat market
I finally braved it and went to the wet market, where local sellers will sell you fresh meat, fish, chicken and vegetables. I really don't like the wet market. It stinks, it's dirty and there's not a fridge in sight. Regardless, plenty of people buy their fresh produce there. I'm so sick of Giant and their not-so-fresh stuff that I decided to go with friend who could introduce me to some of the vendors so that they know that I'm a friend of hers and won't try to rip me off. It does happen. One time at a fruit stall one guy tried to charge me 45 Ringgit for some fruit that actually only cost 26 Ringgit. When I started adding up the amounts in Malay, he quickly changed his mind. Orang Bodoh (stupid person). So now I have an Indian fishmonger who speaks English, a vegie seller who speaks English and I know the chicken man, so I can get fresh meat whenever I need it. But you know, it's almost too fresh. After I'd purchased the chicken, my hand touched the bag and it was warm - but the warmth wasn't from the sun, it was the body heat of a chicken that had only just been slaughtered. Ewwww. I think I like a little more distance with my meat - distance as in time taken from the slaughterhouse to the fridge. Quick as I could, I came home and put it all in the fridge and pretended it was just normal chicken from the supermarket. That worked until I had to take it out again and reclean it as some of the icky bits hadn't been removed, even thought I'd specified 'no head or guts please'. I will have to learn how to say that in Chinese. "Wo bu yau..." (I don't want...) - I'm half way there.
*
And finally, I got another lovely sms from one of my students mother's today. She's the one who thanked me before because her daughter "now can talk many". This week her daughter has exams (as do my kids) so today I gave her and her sister a practice paper. My student got quite a few answers wrong, something I wasn't expecting and I told her mum and then said something like, don't worry, I'll help her to understand and next year she will do better in the exams. She sent back this:
"Thankyou for your show consideration. Very happy meet you. You are the BEST"
:) I do love her messages, not just because of what they say, but also because she puts a lot of effort into writing them. So sweet.
*
I hate loud noises, is that OK with you, ex?
Yesterday we had a huge storm happen right over our neighbourhood. Great clapping booms of thunder and flashes of lightning every few minutes. Pounding rain almost filling up the drain and coming down onto the roof so loudly, you couldn't hear the tv. I was in my room getting dressed after showering when this huge clap of thunder rang out and a bolt of lightning came down and hit the ground just outside my window, sounding like it was going to blow the windows out. It literally frightened the pants back off of me - I dropped them while putting them on. Wanting to get out of my room really quickly to somewhere with no glass, I grabbed my pants and ran out of my room, only to run into ex, who was saying "Are you alright?" I wasn't. I was shaking and just trying to get my breath back so I could tell him, yes I was OK, but he started with the "It's OK, it's just thunder/lightning" with a tone that told me I was being stupid. I know what he was thinking - how can you be like this when you're an adult - adults, grown up people, shouldn't be like this, your a mother, how could you? (Note: he didn't say this, but he was thinking it, I could tell by the look on his face). But I am. I don't like really loud noises - I'm not talking the roar of a crowd or a concert or anything like that, but really loud thunder or military jets flying directly over always manage to get the adrenalin going. Nope, don't like (unexpected) loud noises.
And I must thank my lovely sister, who gave me hug over the phone and took my mind off the whole stupid matter. She said all the right things that made me feel normal, instead of like some wimpy freak. We talked for a while until I felt calmer and less angry at ex. I was angry because as she said, he's here, but not here for me. Not even a little bit. She hit the nail on the head.
*
Meat market
I finally braved it and went to the wet market, where local sellers will sell you fresh meat, fish, chicken and vegetables. I really don't like the wet market. It stinks, it's dirty and there's not a fridge in sight. Regardless, plenty of people buy their fresh produce there. I'm so sick of Giant and their not-so-fresh stuff that I decided to go with friend who could introduce me to some of the vendors so that they know that I'm a friend of hers and won't try to rip me off. It does happen. One time at a fruit stall one guy tried to charge me 45 Ringgit for some fruit that actually only cost 26 Ringgit. When I started adding up the amounts in Malay, he quickly changed his mind. Orang Bodoh (stupid person). So now I have an Indian fishmonger who speaks English, a vegie seller who speaks English and I know the chicken man, so I can get fresh meat whenever I need it. But you know, it's almost too fresh. After I'd purchased the chicken, my hand touched the bag and it was warm - but the warmth wasn't from the sun, it was the body heat of a chicken that had only just been slaughtered. Ewwww. I think I like a little more distance with my meat - distance as in time taken from the slaughterhouse to the fridge. Quick as I could, I came home and put it all in the fridge and pretended it was just normal chicken from the supermarket. That worked until I had to take it out again and reclean it as some of the icky bits hadn't been removed, even thought I'd specified 'no head or guts please'. I will have to learn how to say that in Chinese. "Wo bu yau..." (I don't want...) - I'm half way there.
*
And finally, I got another lovely sms from one of my students mother's today. She's the one who thanked me before because her daughter "now can talk many". This week her daughter has exams (as do my kids) so today I gave her and her sister a practice paper. My student got quite a few answers wrong, something I wasn't expecting and I told her mum and then said something like, don't worry, I'll help her to understand and next year she will do better in the exams. She sent back this:
"Thankyou for your show consideration. Very happy meet you. You are the BEST"
:) I do love her messages, not just because of what they say, but also because she puts a lot of effort into writing them. So sweet.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Girls afternoon - short and sweet
Today my daughter and I had a lovely afternoon together, sans ex and my son, who stayed at home. Normally I take both of them out and that had been my intention today as well, but my son was in a really annoying mood and getting on everyone's nerves and ex was 'being himself' which doesn't annoy anyone but me I suspect - so we left the two of them together.
We went in to town, which is not very big at all, and parked centrally so that we could walk a little as well. Walking around town here is really hot, so most people don't do it, especially if you have kids in tow. But I thought I could manage today, with just one kid.
So we walked and talked and shopped, finding her just the right outfit for my Dad's 65th birthday dinner and a pair of jeans to wear on the plane ride. One of the great things here is that even where I live, I can still find decent clothes for the kids at a reasonable price. I spent RM116 for a lovely dress with matching jacket and a pair of jeans and put it all on my Australian credit card because the exchange rate is really good right now and yes, I'm running out of actual cash this month. So I actually only spent 38 dollars - cool. I collect fees next week so I'll be right for the next month, I just don't have much extra to spend on clothes and what-have-you.
Anyway, after shopping we perused a couple of sundry shops - smaller shops that sell anything from plastic ware to socks and stationary to nail clippers. After that a milkshake for my girl and some lunch for me in our only airconditioned cafe. Then it was off to the supermarket and back home. It really seemed like we'd been out for hours, but in fact only three hours had passed until we got back home, tired and happy.
The best thing about it? My daughter saying "Mummy, I love doing this with you."
Hmmm... got no money but life is good.
:)
We went in to town, which is not very big at all, and parked centrally so that we could walk a little as well. Walking around town here is really hot, so most people don't do it, especially if you have kids in tow. But I thought I could manage today, with just one kid.
So we walked and talked and shopped, finding her just the right outfit for my Dad's 65th birthday dinner and a pair of jeans to wear on the plane ride. One of the great things here is that even where I live, I can still find decent clothes for the kids at a reasonable price. I spent RM116 for a lovely dress with matching jacket and a pair of jeans and put it all on my Australian credit card because the exchange rate is really good right now and yes, I'm running out of actual cash this month. So I actually only spent 38 dollars - cool. I collect fees next week so I'll be right for the next month, I just don't have much extra to spend on clothes and what-have-you.
Anyway, after shopping we perused a couple of sundry shops - smaller shops that sell anything from plastic ware to socks and stationary to nail clippers. After that a milkshake for my girl and some lunch for me in our only airconditioned cafe. Then it was off to the supermarket and back home. It really seemed like we'd been out for hours, but in fact only three hours had passed until we got back home, tired and happy.
The best thing about it? My daughter saying "Mummy, I love doing this with you."
Hmmm... got no money but life is good.
:)
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Treading Carefully
Ex has been away overnight and I can feel the "I hate living here" conversation I have with myself rising up to overtake my mind. That's why I'm treading carefully.
I hate this place. This house with it's concrete yard, window grills, old, opaque windows, the stench of the filthy outside (council) drain. The leaky roof which needs fixing and is probably full of rotting board, termites and ants.
And the ants. Oh how they boldly go where no ants have dared gone before - into the kitchen detergent, the kettle and the various water bottles we have sitting around. They come for every crumb we happen to leave behind and invade the pantry on a regular basis. The descend from the roof in thin, light brown lines to inhabit our desks, keyboards and whatever else takes their fancy. How I hate them, because no matter how much I clean and wipe, they still come to find something to eat.
Did you know that if you go to swat an ant and miss, it will quickly run away - they know we are here and out to get them.
*
Yesterday I stupidly put a rubber backed mat into the washing machine to wash it and of course the backing came off in little bits and has clogged the pipes. Families can never afford to be without the washing machine. I have to wait til ex gets back from his overnight stay down south before getting it fixed. Why can't I do it myself? Firstly, they speak Hokkien, yet another Chinese dialect different from Mandarin. Secondly when they do come, I can't speak to them anyway. I'd ask my friends to help me out here but they are busy and anyway, our family and it's problems are ex's responsibility, not someone else's. He can solve it once he gets back tonight.
*
The above was written in the afternoon. Since then I've had a good session with two of my students, got the shopping done, picked up some mince meat from a friend who bought it back from Malacca with her, made spaghetti and cleaned up. Had a nice dinner with the kids, sans ex who wasn't back yet, and made them laugh.
I've also discovered that my son is really quite good at addition. He adds up in the most extraordinary way. If you say what is 15 plus 12, he will count (out loud) to 12 using his fingers, but then say the answer (27). It's like he's counting on two separate levels at the same time - once on his fingers to count out the correct number to be added and then in his head where he keeps track of where he should be on the number line.
eg 15 + 12
he says 15 and then counts out loud
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
In his head he counts:
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 - this is what happens in his head while he's counting out loud. If anyone is reading this, do you find it unusual? I've never met any kid who counts this way. Perhaps it's a different method that he's learned somewhere, but if I watch his fingers as he's counting, even they don't make sense because he also uses short cuts. There is something they teach here called 'finger abacus' but it's not taught often and my daughter, who went to the same kindergarten as my son doesn't know of it, so they didn't teach him there and he didn't learn it at school. Hmmm, something else to research.
*
Ex is back from his trip. He got back at 8.30 - the kids were pleased and Yiethen even said, "how great is it that Papa's back." But he was tired as usual and didn't spend that much time with them. The kids never ask about him when he's gone either - maybe they're just used to it. I really do want him to spend more time with them - it's like he gets all motivated about it, tells me that it's not good enough for him to just be around, that he's got to spend time with them too. It seriously lasts about a week and then he seems to pull back. And not being with them has consequences - the other day when he tried walked into their room to play with them, they said he'd spoiled their game and came whining to me about it. So it's like he walked in and they walked out on him. I hope wasn't too hurt by it, because I know he'd see it.
And today, after he got back, he seemed a bit distracted and tired. He gave up on helping Yiethen with his Malay homework (that's another story) and really, it was only 'bina ayat" - making sentences about a few landmarks in Malaysia. So then I had to step in and my Malay is only at the basic sentence making level. "Perpustakaan Negara ada banyak buku yang penting." - The National Library has many books that are important. I couldn't see what was so hard about it, given that ex was educated in Malay. And when I told him about Yiethen's counting abilities, all he could say was "I don't get it". I tried to explain it a second time to him, because it's really quite good and again with the "I don't get it". When I speak to him, it's like he thinks I'm speaking another language. I never quite put enough context around what I'm saying and by the time I do, any further chance of decent conversation happening (without the baggage), has passed us by. So, so difficult to talk to him. I really don't know what I'm doing wrong sometimes.
*
Oh well, all I can do is focus on myself and the kids and fill the gaps that he leaves. He's missing some beautiful moments with his kids, that I know for sure. Yiethen's 'sweet hugs' and his complete happiness when he's pretending he's a Wiggle and Jilian - well everything about Jilian, who is growing up right before my eyes.
*
The visa is done and this time I was over-prepared. I filled out the forms in quadruplicate when I didn't need to fill out a form at all. I only needed to get a letter from the school because this is a renewal, not an initial application. The one little hiccup that has occurred is that they require 14 working days to process the visa and her current visa expires at the end of this month. Over the phone a week ago, they told me that we need to lodge it only 7 days before expiry! If they want to be fussy about it, they could require that we take her over the border to Singapore to get a 3 month visit pass, while the visa is still being processed. You never know with the authorities here - they can never give you the right information the first time. But in a few days, I'll ring and see if I can get some answers. My concern is that if we don't find out, when they get her passport, they'll look at the date from the last visa and say that it's expired and she shouldn't be in the country. I don't think they would, but you never know - they'll try anything for a bribe.
Anyway, it's time for bed. I've got an 8am yoga session with my kiddies tomorrow morning, as opposed to going for a walk. So it's night to you all, for those still reading.
5 weeks, 2 days, yahhh!
I hate this place. This house with it's concrete yard, window grills, old, opaque windows, the stench of the filthy outside (council) drain. The leaky roof which needs fixing and is probably full of rotting board, termites and ants.
And the ants. Oh how they boldly go where no ants have dared gone before - into the kitchen detergent, the kettle and the various water bottles we have sitting around. They come for every crumb we happen to leave behind and invade the pantry on a regular basis. The descend from the roof in thin, light brown lines to inhabit our desks, keyboards and whatever else takes their fancy. How I hate them, because no matter how much I clean and wipe, they still come to find something to eat.
Did you know that if you go to swat an ant and miss, it will quickly run away - they know we are here and out to get them.
*
Yesterday I stupidly put a rubber backed mat into the washing machine to wash it and of course the backing came off in little bits and has clogged the pipes. Families can never afford to be without the washing machine. I have to wait til ex gets back from his overnight stay down south before getting it fixed. Why can't I do it myself? Firstly, they speak Hokkien, yet another Chinese dialect different from Mandarin. Secondly when they do come, I can't speak to them anyway. I'd ask my friends to help me out here but they are busy and anyway, our family and it's problems are ex's responsibility, not someone else's. He can solve it once he gets back tonight.
*
The above was written in the afternoon. Since then I've had a good session with two of my students, got the shopping done, picked up some mince meat from a friend who bought it back from Malacca with her, made spaghetti and cleaned up. Had a nice dinner with the kids, sans ex who wasn't back yet, and made them laugh.
I've also discovered that my son is really quite good at addition. He adds up in the most extraordinary way. If you say what is 15 plus 12, he will count (out loud) to 12 using his fingers, but then say the answer (27). It's like he's counting on two separate levels at the same time - once on his fingers to count out the correct number to be added and then in his head where he keeps track of where he should be on the number line.
eg 15 + 12
he says 15 and then counts out loud
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
In his head he counts:
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 - this is what happens in his head while he's counting out loud. If anyone is reading this, do you find it unusual? I've never met any kid who counts this way. Perhaps it's a different method that he's learned somewhere, but if I watch his fingers as he's counting, even they don't make sense because he also uses short cuts. There is something they teach here called 'finger abacus' but it's not taught often and my daughter, who went to the same kindergarten as my son doesn't know of it, so they didn't teach him there and he didn't learn it at school. Hmmm, something else to research.
*
Ex is back from his trip. He got back at 8.30 - the kids were pleased and Yiethen even said, "how great is it that Papa's back." But he was tired as usual and didn't spend that much time with them. The kids never ask about him when he's gone either - maybe they're just used to it. I really do want him to spend more time with them - it's like he gets all motivated about it, tells me that it's not good enough for him to just be around, that he's got to spend time with them too. It seriously lasts about a week and then he seems to pull back. And not being with them has consequences - the other day when he tried walked into their room to play with them, they said he'd spoiled their game and came whining to me about it. So it's like he walked in and they walked out on him. I hope wasn't too hurt by it, because I know he'd see it.
And today, after he got back, he seemed a bit distracted and tired. He gave up on helping Yiethen with his Malay homework (that's another story) and really, it was only 'bina ayat" - making sentences about a few landmarks in Malaysia. So then I had to step in and my Malay is only at the basic sentence making level. "Perpustakaan Negara ada banyak buku yang penting." - The National Library has many books that are important. I couldn't see what was so hard about it, given that ex was educated in Malay. And when I told him about Yiethen's counting abilities, all he could say was "I don't get it". I tried to explain it a second time to him, because it's really quite good and again with the "I don't get it". When I speak to him, it's like he thinks I'm speaking another language. I never quite put enough context around what I'm saying and by the time I do, any further chance of decent conversation happening (without the baggage), has passed us by. So, so difficult to talk to him. I really don't know what I'm doing wrong sometimes.
*
Oh well, all I can do is focus on myself and the kids and fill the gaps that he leaves. He's missing some beautiful moments with his kids, that I know for sure. Yiethen's 'sweet hugs' and his complete happiness when he's pretending he's a Wiggle and Jilian - well everything about Jilian, who is growing up right before my eyes.
*
The visa is done and this time I was over-prepared. I filled out the forms in quadruplicate when I didn't need to fill out a form at all. I only needed to get a letter from the school because this is a renewal, not an initial application. The one little hiccup that has occurred is that they require 14 working days to process the visa and her current visa expires at the end of this month. Over the phone a week ago, they told me that we need to lodge it only 7 days before expiry! If they want to be fussy about it, they could require that we take her over the border to Singapore to get a 3 month visit pass, while the visa is still being processed. You never know with the authorities here - they can never give you the right information the first time. But in a few days, I'll ring and see if I can get some answers. My concern is that if we don't find out, when they get her passport, they'll look at the date from the last visa and say that it's expired and she shouldn't be in the country. I don't think they would, but you never know - they'll try anything for a bribe.
Anyway, it's time for bed. I've got an 8am yoga session with my kiddies tomorrow morning, as opposed to going for a walk. So it's night to you all, for those still reading.
5 weeks, 2 days, yahhh!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Distractions
Listening to: Adam Lambert's new single "Time for Miracles" from the movie 2012, which I am going to see, just to hear the title song (not a big disaster movie fan) played really loud and listen to that amazing voice of his. Woo-hoo. Yeah right, calm down, whatever makes me happy.
Since the rant, my brain has evened out a little.
My classes are continuing and for the moment are providing a great distraction for me. If not for them, I think I'd be packing my suitcase already and then just sitting on my bed waiting to get out of here. Not good. So I've been looking for more ways to stay in the moment and be as happy as I can. And this is what I've been doing.
Researching: My son, Yiethen (pron. Ethan) needs to gain some weight. I was washing his skinny little bod in the shower and all I could feel were bones. His ribs have always stuck out, but now that he's getting taller, his whole rib cage, sternum and all is poking through. I'm not really worried about it, some kids are really skinny and he does eat well, but I'm going to feed him more often with nutrient dense foods and carbs to see if we can't put a layer of fat on those little bones.
I've been talking to my son too, about how he thinks and what he's feeling. He feels sad because he's physically slow at a lot of things. Not that I care, but it bothers ex and he is often telling Yiethen that he's slow. He thinks he needs to say this so that our son will be motivated to be faster - and it does because I see him trying so hard. But he's always scrambling to catch up and I know it's making him think that he's not as good as everyone else. If I tell ex to stop saying it, he'll just say I'm trying to coddle him and that he's so much like me and if we don't say anything now, he'll just accept that as normal - and that's unacceptable to ex. Way to screw up our little boy.
Researching: What do other single people my age look like - I really have no idea. My world is rather narrow in this instance, so I've been perusing rsvp.com, a dating site and it's really interesting - a great distraction. Not that I'm looking for anyone right now, but in the future, it could be an option, so it's interesting to see what kind of people are single and in their 40's - like me.
What struck me most about these people is that they all like travel, movies and going out to dinner and always mentioned that they didn't mind the occasional night in on the couch. Most men prefer the athletic, slim build, which is not me. Some men looked like serial killers and some of them just looked mad. Two guys made me laugh. Some were foreign and I am so not interested in foreign men, it's not funny. The bluer the eyes and the blonder the hair, the more likely I was to read their information.
It's a bit scary really. I was thinking that if I ever get brave enough to actually put up a profile of myself, I wouldn't even know what to write. If you ask me what I'm interested in, I really don't know. My kids? Who isn't into their kids. I don't have a sport - the amount of swimming and walking I do doesn't really qualify, though I am into Pilates. Love Pilates, when it's taught by a good instructor. Hmmm, what else - human behaviour? I've read enough books about it and now find it very interesting to study people from a distance. Does that qualify as an interest? I don't think so and it would probably make people feel weird. (If I meet up with you in December, don't think I'm studying your behaviour - I'll just be happy to see you. ;) What else am I interested in? I wouldn't think that putting Adam Lambert up there would be a good idea, but wait... I do love to meet for coffee with friends and have a laugh. I think it would be a very short profile.
Was also thinking that meeting people online would help curb the loneliness factor. But if I was interested in someone, how would I explain my situation? Uhhmmmm, I live overseas with my ex-husband but we're totally separated and we could meet if you can wait for me to come back... that's sounds good (not). And you know, it's hard to picture myself with someone else. I've been with ex since I was 18 and I always thought we'd be together, as you do when you're that young and idealistic. But no, it's not to be. But I can't even imagine what another partner might look or be like. Some women have their 'ideal man' pictured in their head, but not me. The only qualification a man needs to have at the moment is that he's healthy, happy and doesn't have a penchant for telling other people how they should be!
Believing what I believe (power of the universe and all that) I kind of think if I'm meant to meet someone else, I will. If not, then I know I will be having that experience because I need to have it. Thanks Eckhart Tolle.
Cheers and have a nice day.
Since the rant, my brain has evened out a little.
My classes are continuing and for the moment are providing a great distraction for me. If not for them, I think I'd be packing my suitcase already and then just sitting on my bed waiting to get out of here. Not good. So I've been looking for more ways to stay in the moment and be as happy as I can. And this is what I've been doing.
Researching: My son, Yiethen (pron. Ethan) needs to gain some weight. I was washing his skinny little bod in the shower and all I could feel were bones. His ribs have always stuck out, but now that he's getting taller, his whole rib cage, sternum and all is poking through. I'm not really worried about it, some kids are really skinny and he does eat well, but I'm going to feed him more often with nutrient dense foods and carbs to see if we can't put a layer of fat on those little bones.
I've been talking to my son too, about how he thinks and what he's feeling. He feels sad because he's physically slow at a lot of things. Not that I care, but it bothers ex and he is often telling Yiethen that he's slow. He thinks he needs to say this so that our son will be motivated to be faster - and it does because I see him trying so hard. But he's always scrambling to catch up and I know it's making him think that he's not as good as everyone else. If I tell ex to stop saying it, he'll just say I'm trying to coddle him and that he's so much like me and if we don't say anything now, he'll just accept that as normal - and that's unacceptable to ex. Way to screw up our little boy.
Researching: What do other single people my age look like - I really have no idea. My world is rather narrow in this instance, so I've been perusing rsvp.com, a dating site and it's really interesting - a great distraction. Not that I'm looking for anyone right now, but in the future, it could be an option, so it's interesting to see what kind of people are single and in their 40's - like me.
What struck me most about these people is that they all like travel, movies and going out to dinner and always mentioned that they didn't mind the occasional night in on the couch. Most men prefer the athletic, slim build, which is not me. Some men looked like serial killers and some of them just looked mad. Two guys made me laugh. Some were foreign and I am so not interested in foreign men, it's not funny. The bluer the eyes and the blonder the hair, the more likely I was to read their information.
It's a bit scary really. I was thinking that if I ever get brave enough to actually put up a profile of myself, I wouldn't even know what to write. If you ask me what I'm interested in, I really don't know. My kids? Who isn't into their kids. I don't have a sport - the amount of swimming and walking I do doesn't really qualify, though I am into Pilates. Love Pilates, when it's taught by a good instructor. Hmmm, what else - human behaviour? I've read enough books about it and now find it very interesting to study people from a distance. Does that qualify as an interest? I don't think so and it would probably make people feel weird. (If I meet up with you in December, don't think I'm studying your behaviour - I'll just be happy to see you. ;) What else am I interested in? I wouldn't think that putting Adam Lambert up there would be a good idea, but wait... I do love to meet for coffee with friends and have a laugh. I think it would be a very short profile.
Was also thinking that meeting people online would help curb the loneliness factor. But if I was interested in someone, how would I explain my situation? Uhhmmmm, I live overseas with my ex-husband but we're totally separated and we could meet if you can wait for me to come back... that's sounds good (not). And you know, it's hard to picture myself with someone else. I've been with ex since I was 18 and I always thought we'd be together, as you do when you're that young and idealistic. But no, it's not to be. But I can't even imagine what another partner might look or be like. Some women have their 'ideal man' pictured in their head, but not me. The only qualification a man needs to have at the moment is that he's healthy, happy and doesn't have a penchant for telling other people how they should be!
Believing what I believe (power of the universe and all that) I kind of think if I'm meant to meet someone else, I will. If not, then I know I will be having that experience because I need to have it. Thanks Eckhart Tolle.
Cheers and have a nice day.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Rant to ex
God you shit me!!!! You're so insulting, treating me like some lame, dumb-ass who can't handle any news beyond the weather. You think you're so clever, tip-toeing around me, thinking I've got some sort of personality disorder. I don't have one, regardless of what you think. I'm not some borderline personality, waiting for an opportunity to meltdown.
I tell you what's bothering me and all you can say is 'that can happen in any part of the world'. All you think about is that I'm just waiting for some excuse to pack up and go... you shithead. If that was the case, I'd have been long gone. But no, I stayed, for those two precious little beings in the next room. I'm here and barring a natural disaster, I'm staying because I said I'd stay. Don't you think I know the consequences of melting down completely right now - with just 6 weeks to go till we go to Australia, don't you think I know what you're thinking. Do you think we'll come back - OF COURSE WE WILL YOU SHIT BECAUSE I SAID WE WILL, BECAUSE I'VE TOLD YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN THAT THE KIDS NEED YOU RIGHT NOW. BECAUSE IT'S THE ONE COMMITMENT I WILL KEEP BECAUSE OF THE KIDS. But I'm sure you're thinking that I'm counting up the reasons for why I shouldn't come back. Well, guess what, you don't know me, not a thing about me. Just because there's a little emotion, doesn't mean I'm insane, it's just emotion. Oh yes, but wait. You think everyone in every instance should be able to control their emotions - guess what, they don't. Normal people express themselves.
GODDAMMIT, GIVE ME A LITTLE CREDIT TO HANDLE BIGGER THINGS, even if I get emotional. You could say "look, this has happened and I know it seems a little scary, but you're quite safe and if it makes you feel any better, then I'll stay home tonight." What's so hard about that? Why can't you say that instead of treating me like some insane idiot, you condescending bastard. Like I'm being unreasonable, when I'm not.
Now I'm being unreasonable, saying all this horrible toxic stuff that's going around in my head. But if you treated me like a person instead of like a child, I wouldn't get so angry. You make me angry, yes you do. This time, it IS something you've done.
When you're family needs you, are you really ever there? Really? That's more of a reason for me to go than anything that happens outside of this house. Look at yourself, just look.
I tell you what's bothering me and all you can say is 'that can happen in any part of the world'. All you think about is that I'm just waiting for some excuse to pack up and go... you shithead. If that was the case, I'd have been long gone. But no, I stayed, for those two precious little beings in the next room. I'm here and barring a natural disaster, I'm staying because I said I'd stay. Don't you think I know the consequences of melting down completely right now - with just 6 weeks to go till we go to Australia, don't you think I know what you're thinking. Do you think we'll come back - OF COURSE WE WILL YOU SHIT BECAUSE I SAID WE WILL, BECAUSE I'VE TOLD YOU AGAIN AND AGAIN THAT THE KIDS NEED YOU RIGHT NOW. BECAUSE IT'S THE ONE COMMITMENT I WILL KEEP BECAUSE OF THE KIDS. But I'm sure you're thinking that I'm counting up the reasons for why I shouldn't come back. Well, guess what, you don't know me, not a thing about me. Just because there's a little emotion, doesn't mean I'm insane, it's just emotion. Oh yes, but wait. You think everyone in every instance should be able to control their emotions - guess what, they don't. Normal people express themselves.
GODDAMMIT, GIVE ME A LITTLE CREDIT TO HANDLE BIGGER THINGS, even if I get emotional. You could say "look, this has happened and I know it seems a little scary, but you're quite safe and if it makes you feel any better, then I'll stay home tonight." What's so hard about that? Why can't you say that instead of treating me like some insane idiot, you condescending bastard. Like I'm being unreasonable, when I'm not.
Now I'm being unreasonable, saying all this horrible toxic stuff that's going around in my head. But if you treated me like a person instead of like a child, I wouldn't get so angry. You make me angry, yes you do. This time, it IS something you've done.
When you're family needs you, are you really ever there? Really? That's more of a reason for me to go than anything that happens outside of this house. Look at yourself, just look.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Losing weight
I need to lose weight. The turmoil and uneasiness of the last few weeks have shown up around my waist in the form of a few extra kilos. Sugar and bread are the culprits in this case. I don't feel good so I eat, though not too much. My friend Kim has started a new diet called the Cohen's diet. It's basically dropping carbs and sugar like the Atkins diet but this comes with a special blood test and costs a whole lot more. In one week, she's lost 3 kilos, has more energy and can sleep a whole lot better. I'm happy for her because her diet before was so unhealthy. If you eat out all the time, as my friends do, your cholesterol level can get quite high and turn you into a walking time bomb for a heart attack. She wants me to go on this diet also, but really, I just can't afford the RM3,ooo it would cost. I may take on some of the ideas when I'm home and getting access to fresh, healthy food is a lot easier - and I don't need to eat to feel good.
I've been walking in the mornings, a couple of times a week, with the kids and a few by myself. We don't walk that far though and even though I sweat, there's not much puffing going on. I'm using the excuse that I'm so unfit I have to take it easy at first, but I wonder if later on I'll be motivated to push myself. I think I'm pretty weak in that area.
The exercise hasn't done much to curb my moods. Yesterday my mind got into a tangle when I started thinking of the past and had all these conversations in my mind with ex - imaginary fights where I say what I really want to say to him. It makes my ego feel good, but once I get ensconced in this type of stuff, it's hard to pull back which can lead to a meltdown - and ex has no clue why I'm angry because in reality, the now, he hasn't done anything at all. For him, it must look like my moods are random happenings, but that's not the case. If I think about us, the past and what's happened, I'm 95% sure to have a mood swing. If I don't think about it, I don't have one. Simple formula really. I wonder what it is about humans that makes us want to think about these things, to create the drama that it brings. Eckhart Tolle says it's the ego wanting to feed and I can really understand that. It's like feeding a monster and even though the feelings are negative, you still want them - need them even. Humans are an insane species.
I'm a little pissed that in the last few days, ex has taken to going out every night. It's like, all of a sudden, there's this need to go out. I suppose now that he's got a bit of money in his bank account, he doesn't need to think about it as much. Of course my mind is going a bit wild as to all the reasons he's going out so frequently but you know what's strange is that even though I have no right to expect him to stay home, I do want him to be here. Then when he's here, I don't want him around. Like in the mornings, if he gets up early with us, I don't really like it. I avoid the kitchen until he's gone back to his room. I don't know what that's about but I've found myself happily waiting in my room until he's gone - I just think if I go in there, there'll be something he has to tell me about - like, I need to maintain the kitchen better, help the dishes to 'flow' so it doesn't choke up the sink or some other thing like that. And that's what I can't stand to here. Him telling me what I should be doing when there's a pile of dishes in the sink that he should have done hours ago.
Ahhh, the crap in everyday life. I can honestly say that I have no incilination to get married again. Not at all. I'd happily have a boyfriend or something like that, but a husband, no thanks. I think now that I know who I am and I've had the opportunity to have my own space, I wouldn't really want to share it that closely with anyone again. I like having my own room, my own space where I can do my own thing and have my things around me that make me happy. Of course, I think this is a reaction to feeling completely smothered and unhappy for the last 18 years. yes, it's going to be different next time, if there is a next time.
Time to go. The kids need lunch, then there's school, student's coming over, cooking to be done and tonight I want to go out with Kim and see how she's going. Jilian's visa paperwork is all organised and now just waiting for ex to take it to the education department which looks like it will happen next week. Needs to be done 7 working days before it expires, so we need to keep an eye on the time.
I hope your lives are happy and exciting and you're all busy with kids and family and stuff. The countdown is on. 6 weeks and 1 day before we leave. My minds telling me I'm making too much of it - to tone it down a little so I don't blow the whole 'going back home' thing out of proportion.
Anyway, back to life. Have a good day, you five lovely people.
I've been walking in the mornings, a couple of times a week, with the kids and a few by myself. We don't walk that far though and even though I sweat, there's not much puffing going on. I'm using the excuse that I'm so unfit I have to take it easy at first, but I wonder if later on I'll be motivated to push myself. I think I'm pretty weak in that area.
The exercise hasn't done much to curb my moods. Yesterday my mind got into a tangle when I started thinking of the past and had all these conversations in my mind with ex - imaginary fights where I say what I really want to say to him. It makes my ego feel good, but once I get ensconced in this type of stuff, it's hard to pull back which can lead to a meltdown - and ex has no clue why I'm angry because in reality, the now, he hasn't done anything at all. For him, it must look like my moods are random happenings, but that's not the case. If I think about us, the past and what's happened, I'm 95% sure to have a mood swing. If I don't think about it, I don't have one. Simple formula really. I wonder what it is about humans that makes us want to think about these things, to create the drama that it brings. Eckhart Tolle says it's the ego wanting to feed and I can really understand that. It's like feeding a monster and even though the feelings are negative, you still want them - need them even. Humans are an insane species.
I'm a little pissed that in the last few days, ex has taken to going out every night. It's like, all of a sudden, there's this need to go out. I suppose now that he's got a bit of money in his bank account, he doesn't need to think about it as much. Of course my mind is going a bit wild as to all the reasons he's going out so frequently but you know what's strange is that even though I have no right to expect him to stay home, I do want him to be here. Then when he's here, I don't want him around. Like in the mornings, if he gets up early with us, I don't really like it. I avoid the kitchen until he's gone back to his room. I don't know what that's about but I've found myself happily waiting in my room until he's gone - I just think if I go in there, there'll be something he has to tell me about - like, I need to maintain the kitchen better, help the dishes to 'flow' so it doesn't choke up the sink or some other thing like that. And that's what I can't stand to here. Him telling me what I should be doing when there's a pile of dishes in the sink that he should have done hours ago.
Ahhh, the crap in everyday life. I can honestly say that I have no incilination to get married again. Not at all. I'd happily have a boyfriend or something like that, but a husband, no thanks. I think now that I know who I am and I've had the opportunity to have my own space, I wouldn't really want to share it that closely with anyone again. I like having my own room, my own space where I can do my own thing and have my things around me that make me happy. Of course, I think this is a reaction to feeling completely smothered and unhappy for the last 18 years. yes, it's going to be different next time, if there is a next time.
Time to go. The kids need lunch, then there's school, student's coming over, cooking to be done and tonight I want to go out with Kim and see how she's going. Jilian's visa paperwork is all organised and now just waiting for ex to take it to the education department which looks like it will happen next week. Needs to be done 7 working days before it expires, so we need to keep an eye on the time.
I hope your lives are happy and exciting and you're all busy with kids and family and stuff. The countdown is on. 6 weeks and 1 day before we leave. My minds telling me I'm making too much of it - to tone it down a little so I don't blow the whole 'going back home' thing out of proportion.
Anyway, back to life. Have a good day, you five lovely people.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
On the up again...
Today was better. We got up early, the kids and I, and took ourselves out for a breakfast of roti canai and teh tarik. Yummo, not very healthy though. But still, I know this is something the kids enjoy so every once in a while, we go. It's nice to do fun yummy things, otherwise we're stuck in the house the whole time. When we got back, ex was awake. I wonder if he felt left out? I don't know and I didn't ask, instead offering to make him some coffee.
We started the day by doing some house cleaning - all three of us. I think they should help around the house a little by putting their toys away and helping me with a few things like folding, sweeping and putting dishes away. So we did that, I mopped and scrubbed a few floors and made the house presentable. I never used to do this. I'd only do it when I felt like it, which was almost never. But now, in this situation, I've made it a priority, to keep myself busy and also because I like living in a house that's not cluttered with crap. This started a few weeks ago when the in-laws came to town from KL to visit. The house was really neat - so much so that when they walked in, they said "where did everything go?". :) From that time, we've made it a point to keep it neat and it's working well. It makes us feel good, ex is happier (always a good thing) and I don't feel like I'm living in a huge mess. Consequently, I have more 'mind space' for other things and can enjoy doing more because I'm not always thinking about what I 'should' be doing at home.
Today was good in other ways too. Even though I restricted the video watching, I let my son be today - be himself that is. I let him sing, dance and wiggle his way through the day and if I didn't want to listen to him, I just let him ramble on instead of telling him to stop. I've realised that it's not important for me to give him my full attention when he's talking about these things (the Wiggles and their guitars and songs). Then, we had visitors at night, which is pretty rare, when the in-laws (from Segamat) and ex's cousin from KL visited. So my son talked to them instead and they thought he was adorable. And he is. I'm not embarrassed by his behaviour anymore (but I think ex is), instead choosing to be pleased that he's so sociable. He dressed in his pirate suit and sang them a song, pretending to strum away on his classic guitar. When he finished, he raised his hands in the air - he's becoming quite the showman.
The goodness continued when ex offered to cook fried rice for dinner while I did some gardening with the kids. We filled two big bags with weeds and crap from the garden, washed the porch and then all went in for a hot plate of rice. While we were showering after the gardening, it struck me that we do really well as a family unit - money issues, meltdowns and relationships issues aside, we've become very functional - each doing their bit to contribute to the family. And the kids respond really well to this too - they feel good, they sleep better and they don't fight as much.
Now, if only....
No, I won't go there, it was just a tease. I'm happy enough that we've been able to do what we have for the kids. It's what we set out to do. Many other families we know are far more dysfunctional than this one. I feel good that for a good part of the time, we can operate like this because really, it's what we always wanted, but could never do because we were so caught up in our own problems. It confirms for me that my decision to stay here was the right one, for us anyway, and you know what, it's not such a bad life when it's like this. Today, was a very "now" day - we focussed on today and didn't think about much else. Good stuff, I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
We started the day by doing some house cleaning - all three of us. I think they should help around the house a little by putting their toys away and helping me with a few things like folding, sweeping and putting dishes away. So we did that, I mopped and scrubbed a few floors and made the house presentable. I never used to do this. I'd only do it when I felt like it, which was almost never. But now, in this situation, I've made it a priority, to keep myself busy and also because I like living in a house that's not cluttered with crap. This started a few weeks ago when the in-laws came to town from KL to visit. The house was really neat - so much so that when they walked in, they said "where did everything go?". :) From that time, we've made it a point to keep it neat and it's working well. It makes us feel good, ex is happier (always a good thing) and I don't feel like I'm living in a huge mess. Consequently, I have more 'mind space' for other things and can enjoy doing more because I'm not always thinking about what I 'should' be doing at home.
Today was good in other ways too. Even though I restricted the video watching, I let my son be today - be himself that is. I let him sing, dance and wiggle his way through the day and if I didn't want to listen to him, I just let him ramble on instead of telling him to stop. I've realised that it's not important for me to give him my full attention when he's talking about these things (the Wiggles and their guitars and songs). Then, we had visitors at night, which is pretty rare, when the in-laws (from Segamat) and ex's cousin from KL visited. So my son talked to them instead and they thought he was adorable. And he is. I'm not embarrassed by his behaviour anymore (but I think ex is), instead choosing to be pleased that he's so sociable. He dressed in his pirate suit and sang them a song, pretending to strum away on his classic guitar. When he finished, he raised his hands in the air - he's becoming quite the showman.
The goodness continued when ex offered to cook fried rice for dinner while I did some gardening with the kids. We filled two big bags with weeds and crap from the garden, washed the porch and then all went in for a hot plate of rice. While we were showering after the gardening, it struck me that we do really well as a family unit - money issues, meltdowns and relationships issues aside, we've become very functional - each doing their bit to contribute to the family. And the kids respond really well to this too - they feel good, they sleep better and they don't fight as much.
Now, if only....
No, I won't go there, it was just a tease. I'm happy enough that we've been able to do what we have for the kids. It's what we set out to do. Many other families we know are far more dysfunctional than this one. I feel good that for a good part of the time, we can operate like this because really, it's what we always wanted, but could never do because we were so caught up in our own problems. It confirms for me that my decision to stay here was the right one, for us anyway, and you know what, it's not such a bad life when it's like this. Today, was a very "now" day - we focussed on today and didn't think about much else. Good stuff, I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
the weekly update.
It's been a messy week. The meltdown happened yesterday at precisely 7pm, an hour and a hlf before I had to go to teach English and I hadn't even cooked dinner yet. Everything just got too much. All the issues, bound together into one big mess inside my mind, just wanting to explode and yell and scream and get out of here. I took half a xanax and then asked ex to come in. Strange as it may sound, talking to him is the one thing that calms me almost immediately. Maybe it's the attention I percieve I'm getting, maybe it's the way he listens and offers advice. I don't know. He always keeps his emotional distance when he's doing this and he always shares part of what he's going through, I guess in the hope that I'll see I'm not the only one with problems. I call him in because it's all I've got. Only him, and it works every time. I never tell him the triggers because it's usually him or something he's done and I know better than anyone that "what he does" isn't the real issue anyway. It's the situation and the helplessness and the lack of control that's the issue. Things I can't change right now - when he asks the inevitable "What's wrong, is it something I've done?" I usually mumble "nothing, no everything, no, just the same shit", because it is shit. It's just my ego wanting to be a victim. I can't change the situation (yet), I can't change his feelings about me and I can't change him, so it's all just what I make of it. If I make it a big deal, it will be. If I make it a little thing, then that's what it is.
I've thought about going to KL for a few days, but really, what am I going to do there? And it feels like I'm running away, which I don't want to do. Maybe I do need a few days off but overall I don't think it will make much difference. I've just got to power on through and try to make things better for myself - and keep on doing the things that work - vitamins, exercise (been walking in the morning with kids), working, routine and getting enough sleep. Easier said than done, especially the exercise and I have been forgetting to take my vitamins.
My son's been really getting on my nerves, which doesn't help. It's like he's down here with me, in the spiral, though I don't want to label him. He's been forgetting things, he's temperamental, extra rude this week and is even more obsessed with the Wiggles, if that is even possible. This morning he romped in before 7 and without so much as a "good morning mummy" he launched into why the Wiggle had this guitar or played that guitar in that song. I'm very close to banning him from watching them at all because it's driving us all nuts (well, myself and Jilian, because ex doesn't spend enough time with him to notice), but if I ban him, it'll break his heart. He just LOVES them - their dances, their songs, Murray and his many guitars. I don't want to do that to him, but if it gets any worse, I won't have a choice.
There's so much to write, but I'm so tired. No xanax today but I was up early this morning taking Jilian to school - she now has Saturday tuition for 4 hours in the morning and has to be at school at 8am. Lovely! It's made Saturdays really busy because on top of that she also has a piano lesson and I teach my English class - which she is now missing out on because of this 'tuition'.
I really don't like the school system here but if I start whingeing about it, I'll never stop.
So I'll stop right here and wish you good night.
I've thought about going to KL for a few days, but really, what am I going to do there? And it feels like I'm running away, which I don't want to do. Maybe I do need a few days off but overall I don't think it will make much difference. I've just got to power on through and try to make things better for myself - and keep on doing the things that work - vitamins, exercise (been walking in the morning with kids), working, routine and getting enough sleep. Easier said than done, especially the exercise and I have been forgetting to take my vitamins.
My son's been really getting on my nerves, which doesn't help. It's like he's down here with me, in the spiral, though I don't want to label him. He's been forgetting things, he's temperamental, extra rude this week and is even more obsessed with the Wiggles, if that is even possible. This morning he romped in before 7 and without so much as a "good morning mummy" he launched into why the Wiggle had this guitar or played that guitar in that song. I'm very close to banning him from watching them at all because it's driving us all nuts (well, myself and Jilian, because ex doesn't spend enough time with him to notice), but if I ban him, it'll break his heart. He just LOVES them - their dances, their songs, Murray and his many guitars. I don't want to do that to him, but if it gets any worse, I won't have a choice.
There's so much to write, but I'm so tired. No xanax today but I was up early this morning taking Jilian to school - she now has Saturday tuition for 4 hours in the morning and has to be at school at 8am. Lovely! It's made Saturdays really busy because on top of that she also has a piano lesson and I teach my English class - which she is now missing out on because of this 'tuition'.
I really don't like the school system here but if I start whingeing about it, I'll never stop.
So I'll stop right here and wish you good night.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Seatbelts on, here we go
I don't even know how to write this anymore, not that it's anything special. I don't even know if I should, but the words need to come out.
Fuck gmail. gmail is so good that if you have a person on your list who also has gmail you can see if they're online... or if they are using webcam. Ex has gmail and is on my list and now he has a webcam. This week ex took back his web camera so he could use it. Of course he didn't tell me who for but I'm assuming it's...her. Who else would he bother to use webcam with. It makes me sick to the stomach, even though it shouldn't. It's like he's bringing her into the house, even though he's not. I bring up the worst possible scenario so that if I find out it's true, I can cope with it. It may sound stupid and it probably is, but it's what happens when I'm in this situation. If I was back home, living my own normal life, I wouldn't give a rats arse about what he does.
But I'm not home, I'm right here, keeping the house and myself together, working hard to earn money I shouldn't have to earn because he said "I'll take care of the finances" - and he's not. A water bill came in this week and it hasn't been paid for the last few months. We use about RM 7 (yes, 7, not 70) of water per month and this bill had a red notice attached. Red is never good in any language and I noticed the word 'potongan' which means cut. If this bill isn't paid in time, the water will get cut off. I think the total amount is less than RM 30, which is really piddly. How can you go out and drink when you have to put off paying a 30 dollar water bill. There's probably a reasonable explanation for it, but from where I'm standing, there's absolutely not, especially when he used to get on my back about paying bills late etc - oh, I could go on forever about that one.
Meanwhile, he looks so calm. If I was him, I'd be frantic. But he's always been that way - turmoil or even joy on the inside and you can never tell from the outside. That's why I didn't know that he was so miserable - or maybe it was more that I didn't want to know.
I (again) want to scream at him but for many more reasons than this. In a few days I'll be over all of it and focussed again. But I will always think that it's so unfair to ask me to stay here 'for the kids' when he spends a minimal amount of time with them, he's not earning enough and yet still somehow manages to act as though everything is normal (and on top of that, he's got a pretty reasonable life - the only negative thing in it is me).
That's the main trigger - that I'm doing my bit, he's not doing his (not that I should notice because if I ever ask him for money, he always gives it to me) and yet I still need to stay here. Fuck you, ex.
For now, I need to sleep and not tell him any of this because I need to stay stable. We're leaving for our holiday to Australia in 7 weeks, and now more than ever, I need to show that I'm stable, so that he doesn't think that I won't come back. If he thinks that, he won't let me take two kids. Only one will be able to come. Still if he says one can't come, I'm going to take action.
Xanax kicking in now - it even slows the typing down.
Note to self, when you wake in an hour, you'll be fine (and hungry cos you haven't eaten remember).
Fuck gmail. gmail is so good that if you have a person on your list who also has gmail you can see if they're online... or if they are using webcam. Ex has gmail and is on my list and now he has a webcam. This week ex took back his web camera so he could use it. Of course he didn't tell me who for but I'm assuming it's...her. Who else would he bother to use webcam with. It makes me sick to the stomach, even though it shouldn't. It's like he's bringing her into the house, even though he's not. I bring up the worst possible scenario so that if I find out it's true, I can cope with it. It may sound stupid and it probably is, but it's what happens when I'm in this situation. If I was back home, living my own normal life, I wouldn't give a rats arse about what he does.
But I'm not home, I'm right here, keeping the house and myself together, working hard to earn money I shouldn't have to earn because he said "I'll take care of the finances" - and he's not. A water bill came in this week and it hasn't been paid for the last few months. We use about RM 7 (yes, 7, not 70) of water per month and this bill had a red notice attached. Red is never good in any language and I noticed the word 'potongan' which means cut. If this bill isn't paid in time, the water will get cut off. I think the total amount is less than RM 30, which is really piddly. How can you go out and drink when you have to put off paying a 30 dollar water bill. There's probably a reasonable explanation for it, but from where I'm standing, there's absolutely not, especially when he used to get on my back about paying bills late etc - oh, I could go on forever about that one.
Meanwhile, he looks so calm. If I was him, I'd be frantic. But he's always been that way - turmoil or even joy on the inside and you can never tell from the outside. That's why I didn't know that he was so miserable - or maybe it was more that I didn't want to know.
I (again) want to scream at him but for many more reasons than this. In a few days I'll be over all of it and focussed again. But I will always think that it's so unfair to ask me to stay here 'for the kids' when he spends a minimal amount of time with them, he's not earning enough and yet still somehow manages to act as though everything is normal (and on top of that, he's got a pretty reasonable life - the only negative thing in it is me).
That's the main trigger - that I'm doing my bit, he's not doing his (not that I should notice because if I ever ask him for money, he always gives it to me) and yet I still need to stay here. Fuck you, ex.
For now, I need to sleep and not tell him any of this because I need to stay stable. We're leaving for our holiday to Australia in 7 weeks, and now more than ever, I need to show that I'm stable, so that he doesn't think that I won't come back. If he thinks that, he won't let me take two kids. Only one will be able to come. Still if he says one can't come, I'm going to take action.
Xanax kicking in now - it even slows the typing down.
Note to self, when you wake in an hour, you'll be fine (and hungry cos you haven't eaten remember).
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
So nice - ouch.
It's hurts so much when he's nice to me. And not especially nice, just ordinary nice. When he talks to me like a normal person, instead of like someone who's so obviously flawed. When he smiles or we laugh over something that the kids have done. It brings back lots of nice memories for me. Memories that he doesn't apparently have. It makes me want things I can't have. It makes me think that it might work out, if only... well, there are a ton of those. I feel really alone when he's nice because then the inevitable has to happen - he steps away and into his room and shuts the door. Away into his own life and out of mine. For some reason I just cannot comprehend, I miss him - those nice nights snuggled on the couch, the smiles and laughs together, the spas, watching Star Trek and The Sopranos and talking about the scenes we liked or our favourite lines, the car racing, the other stuff that couples do.... Eckhart Tolle says that past doesn't exist, it's only there because of the memories we create. And each of our memories are different. These memories don't exist for ex so maybe Tolle's right, maybe there is no past.
In the book, Mistakes Were Made... but not by me, the authors talk about how we can change our past memories to suit our current needs. If we need/ want to be a victim, we'll change our memories to suit that role and they will be negative, 'poor me' memories of horrible times. If like me, we want to lament what could have been, then those same memories can be converted to suit. Perhaps those things I remember didn't happen the way I think they did - or maybe they didn't happen at all.
And I do feel sorry for ex. He can't win either way. If he's neutral or acting horribly, I have a meltdown about how bad he is. Or if he's happy and nice, I have a meltdown because of what I perceive we've lost.
It's a no-win situation for anyone. I hate living in limbo, just hate it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to step out of my victim, poor me ego and go see my kids who always serve as a reminder about how great 'now' really is.
Sigh.
In the book, Mistakes Were Made... but not by me, the authors talk about how we can change our past memories to suit our current needs. If we need/ want to be a victim, we'll change our memories to suit that role and they will be negative, 'poor me' memories of horrible times. If like me, we want to lament what could have been, then those same memories can be converted to suit. Perhaps those things I remember didn't happen the way I think they did - or maybe they didn't happen at all.
And I do feel sorry for ex. He can't win either way. If he's neutral or acting horribly, I have a meltdown about how bad he is. Or if he's happy and nice, I have a meltdown because of what I perceive we've lost.
It's a no-win situation for anyone. I hate living in limbo, just hate it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to step out of my victim, poor me ego and go see my kids who always serve as a reminder about how great 'now' really is.
Sigh.
Things to do
1. Dust off suitcase and start putting in things I want to take back
2. Fill out forms in quadruplicate for daughter's education visa - must get forms off ex.
3. Ask school to write letter of acceptance for daughter's visa
4. Iron half a basket of clothing
5. Hangout the washing.
6. Make activity for English class - comprehension questions that relate to the "Concert program"
7. Burn another Adam Lambert and David Cook CD to play in car
8. Budget left over money for the rest of the month's groceries and petrol.
9. Tidy room - ask kids to remove toys.
10. Pay workcover bill
11. Ring mother
12. Ring sister
13. Top up phone
14. Plan and cook dinner for tonight
15. Tidy classroom and prepare paints for students today.
16.Go to the toilet - now would be good ;)
That's it for now. Not as exciting as your list Melba.
Only 7 weeks and 2 days to go.
2. Fill out forms in quadruplicate for daughter's education visa - must get forms off ex.
3. Ask school to write letter of acceptance for daughter's visa
4. Iron half a basket of clothing
5. Hangout the washing.
6. Make activity for English class - comprehension questions that relate to the "Concert program"
7. Burn another Adam Lambert and David Cook CD to play in car
8. Budget left over money for the rest of the month's groceries and petrol.
9. Tidy room - ask kids to remove toys.
10. Pay workcover bill
11. Ring mother
12. Ring sister
13. Top up phone
14. Plan and cook dinner for tonight
15. Tidy classroom and prepare paints for students today.
16.Go to the toilet - now would be good ;)
That's it for now. Not as exciting as your list Melba.
Only 7 weeks and 2 days to go.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I've been waiting to write all week, but the time never seemed to be right, always had something else to do, been too tired, hot, shitty blah, blah. But now seems right. Ex is watching 'man tv' (band of brothers), the kids are doing homework, Adam Lambert's playing in the background.
It's again been a week of ups and downs, interspersed with longish periods of 'normality' - I suppose it's the same for anybody's life isn't it? It struck me this week, that when it comes time to leave this place, it will be difficult. For first few years here, everything has seemed so temporary, like I was going to leave any minute. But, now I've grown attached to the people here, the people in my normal life who see me as me, someone competent and normal, which is so different from how ex (still) sees me at times.
My friends here (and indeed, online) have really been a saving grace and I don't take that lightly. For the first two and a half years here, I felt conspicuously invisible - everyone noticed me but I didn't really say much to other people. Now though, I know whole families and I care about them. I adore their kids and those kids are in my thoughts even when they are not with me. I like the parents and sometimes we talk and laugh together. We get invited to people's places which is really something new for us. People aren't as afraid to speak to me as they were before - even the cashiers at Giant ask me how the children are and why am I shopping alone today. So much as I want to come home, leaving will be hard. On the other hand, as my girlfriend pointed out to me, I have many things to look forward to, whereas she is "stuck here in this god-forsaken town"
*
This week ex and I were talking about how we appear to our kids in the things we do. We were talking about having a clean house because the kids and I have taken to tidying up just before supper to make sure the house doesn't get too messy. Kids will do what we do we agreed, not what we say. My kids see me lying down a lot, ex pointed out to me. I nap in the afternoon, I lie down to watch tv and read, so yes, I am horizontal for a number of daylight hours, but so is he. In the evening, when the kids come home, he's almost always asleep and even sometimes in the afternoon as well. This is what I can't stand about him sometimes. He can be such a hypocrite. And as he was so deftly pointing this out to me, I gamely took the opportunity to tell him that the kids notice that he sleeps - a lot. He took it well and listened to what I had to say, which was refreshing for a change. I never usually feel comfortable telling him about his own behaviour - I never have, even though he's never had trouble telling me.
Tonight my poor son dropped the box of biscuits on the kitchen floor and couldn't come and ask me for help because he was worried I'd get very angry at him. I have been on edge this week and I still have those moments with the kids when I seemingly get angry for no reason. I wish I didn't have that underlying anger within because it's so destructive. I'm going to try harder to not get angry at them, even when they're driving me crazy, but I know it's not reasonable to expect no anger from me, but I will try. I don't want to create a situation with them where they feel they can't come to me because of how I'll react, which is actually what's already happening. It's small scale now, but as they get bigger, the mistakes they make will get bigger and I need to be there for them. I actually don't think my kids will have any trouble telling me how they see me - they do it already. In the words of my lovely son "mummy, you just get so angry sometimes I get scared". That sentence alone has more power for me than any of ex's observations, so I needn't worry.
*
I'm getting nervous about coming home. I don't worry that we won't be OK, we will. I want them to love Australia, so they'd like to return one day, but not so much that it impacts on the life that they have here. I'll just have to be careful about what I say and do as well. These are our eggshells that we need to tread on because this is a point that ex is quite sensitive about - he's even said as much.
I probably shouldn't think too much about it. This is where our ego's get us into trouble - making drama where there is none. We focus on the future and build up expectations and stories about the future and wonder if they will come true and feel disappointment when they don't.
Ex seems to be rattling me more than is usual these days. If he's in the kitchen, I have to go out or if he's watching tv I usually retreat to my room. I don't know what it is that's bothering me about him. I know he's under pressure to 'fix himself' and sort out himself so that he can work in a consistent manner. Some days, I wish he'd just apply for an outside job or something. That would solve it. He'd have to work. He'd be accountable to someone other than himself. Sure, he wouldn't be home as much, but really, we don't see him all that much anyway. To me, that's the best solution for him, but he doesn't see it that way (if he did, he'd do it). No, he's just going to keep slogging at what he's doing, which unfortunately isn't getting him very far. I wish he'd face up to his own reality - like I've had to.
And I have to go on, acting as though everything is normal and OK, which I don't think it is. And it kills me that he's not upfront about it. I don't know what I'd do if I was him. I don't even know if he sees it in the same way that I do. Maybe he sees it as just a temporary thing and that it's going to get better in the near future. I hope it does, because I need / want another car, but realistically, that's probably not going to happen.
All I can say here is, I'm glad I'm teaching (and getting paid for it).
It's again been a week of ups and downs, interspersed with longish periods of 'normality' - I suppose it's the same for anybody's life isn't it? It struck me this week, that when it comes time to leave this place, it will be difficult. For first few years here, everything has seemed so temporary, like I was going to leave any minute. But, now I've grown attached to the people here, the people in my normal life who see me as me, someone competent and normal, which is so different from how ex (still) sees me at times.
My friends here (and indeed, online) have really been a saving grace and I don't take that lightly. For the first two and a half years here, I felt conspicuously invisible - everyone noticed me but I didn't really say much to other people. Now though, I know whole families and I care about them. I adore their kids and those kids are in my thoughts even when they are not with me. I like the parents and sometimes we talk and laugh together. We get invited to people's places which is really something new for us. People aren't as afraid to speak to me as they were before - even the cashiers at Giant ask me how the children are and why am I shopping alone today. So much as I want to come home, leaving will be hard. On the other hand, as my girlfriend pointed out to me, I have many things to look forward to, whereas she is "stuck here in this god-forsaken town"
*
This week ex and I were talking about how we appear to our kids in the things we do. We were talking about having a clean house because the kids and I have taken to tidying up just before supper to make sure the house doesn't get too messy. Kids will do what we do we agreed, not what we say. My kids see me lying down a lot, ex pointed out to me. I nap in the afternoon, I lie down to watch tv and read, so yes, I am horizontal for a number of daylight hours, but so is he. In the evening, when the kids come home, he's almost always asleep and even sometimes in the afternoon as well. This is what I can't stand about him sometimes. He can be such a hypocrite. And as he was so deftly pointing this out to me, I gamely took the opportunity to tell him that the kids notice that he sleeps - a lot. He took it well and listened to what I had to say, which was refreshing for a change. I never usually feel comfortable telling him about his own behaviour - I never have, even though he's never had trouble telling me.
Tonight my poor son dropped the box of biscuits on the kitchen floor and couldn't come and ask me for help because he was worried I'd get very angry at him. I have been on edge this week and I still have those moments with the kids when I seemingly get angry for no reason. I wish I didn't have that underlying anger within because it's so destructive. I'm going to try harder to not get angry at them, even when they're driving me crazy, but I know it's not reasonable to expect no anger from me, but I will try. I don't want to create a situation with them where they feel they can't come to me because of how I'll react, which is actually what's already happening. It's small scale now, but as they get bigger, the mistakes they make will get bigger and I need to be there for them. I actually don't think my kids will have any trouble telling me how they see me - they do it already. In the words of my lovely son "mummy, you just get so angry sometimes I get scared". That sentence alone has more power for me than any of ex's observations, so I needn't worry.
*
I'm getting nervous about coming home. I don't worry that we won't be OK, we will. I want them to love Australia, so they'd like to return one day, but not so much that it impacts on the life that they have here. I'll just have to be careful about what I say and do as well. These are our eggshells that we need to tread on because this is a point that ex is quite sensitive about - he's even said as much.
I probably shouldn't think too much about it. This is where our ego's get us into trouble - making drama where there is none. We focus on the future and build up expectations and stories about the future and wonder if they will come true and feel disappointment when they don't.
Ex seems to be rattling me more than is usual these days. If he's in the kitchen, I have to go out or if he's watching tv I usually retreat to my room. I don't know what it is that's bothering me about him. I know he's under pressure to 'fix himself' and sort out himself so that he can work in a consistent manner. Some days, I wish he'd just apply for an outside job or something. That would solve it. He'd have to work. He'd be accountable to someone other than himself. Sure, he wouldn't be home as much, but really, we don't see him all that much anyway. To me, that's the best solution for him, but he doesn't see it that way (if he did, he'd do it). No, he's just going to keep slogging at what he's doing, which unfortunately isn't getting him very far. I wish he'd face up to his own reality - like I've had to.
And I have to go on, acting as though everything is normal and OK, which I don't think it is. And it kills me that he's not upfront about it. I don't know what I'd do if I was him. I don't even know if he sees it in the same way that I do. Maybe he sees it as just a temporary thing and that it's going to get better in the near future. I hope it does, because I need / want another car, but realistically, that's probably not going to happen.
All I can say here is, I'm glad I'm teaching (and getting paid for it).
Sunday, October 4, 2009
They sell strange things here
List on the supermarket wall (and my thoughts about it)
While waiting for ex the other day at the supermarket in JB, I happened to be reading this promotional list of goods, displayed in huge letters, on the supermarket wall. Let's play "which one of these things just doesn't belong here":
Butter (good, must get some)
Pudding (nice that they have that, but I don't need it)
Fruits Juice (grammar mistake, but what else can you expect, this is not KL)
Milk (great, definitely need that)
Yogurt (nice, might get some)
Cheese (wow they have the full range of necessary dairy products here, which is not always the case)
Pet drinks (??????????????????????)
What the hell are pet drinks and I wonder if I should be taking some home for my mother's dog to try...
Get a good night's sleep tonight, everybody needs it.
While waiting for ex the other day at the supermarket in JB, I happened to be reading this promotional list of goods, displayed in huge letters, on the supermarket wall. Let's play "which one of these things just doesn't belong here":
Butter (good, must get some)
Pudding (nice that they have that, but I don't need it)
Fruits Juice (grammar mistake, but what else can you expect, this is not KL)
Milk (great, definitely need that)
Yogurt (nice, might get some)
Cheese (wow they have the full range of necessary dairy products here, which is not always the case)
Pet drinks (??????????????????????)
What the hell are pet drinks and I wonder if I should be taking some home for my mother's dog to try...
Get a good night's sleep tonight, everybody needs it.
Friday, October 2, 2009
And yet more shopping malls
It's been a quiet stable week. Wednesday was a good, but tiring day. I'd asked Kim and her husband if they would let me tag along to KL should they go because I wanted to pick up Jilian's new passport in person and it would mean a day out of town for me.
I've been wanting to get away from the kids and have some time to myself, so I was happy and extremely grateful when they said that yes, they were going. We fixed the pick-up time for 9.30 and for the first time in ages, they arrived on time. They caught me so much by surprise that I wasn't actually ready when they arrived, so I had to scramble around for 10 or so minutes, double checking this and that, getting water and finding my glasses.
Having glasses to find is a new thing for me and I'm definitely not used to it. I take them off and forget that I should be wearing them and then wonder why, hours later, my eyes are killing me. And I need a new frame - the frame I've got now is so thin, it's just getting mangled from being used everyday.
The thing about going out with Kim and her husband is that the places we go are determined by what they want to eat. And they eat a lot. First stop was in town here for breakfast where they had noodles and a hot drink. I only had a cup of tea because I'd had my breakfast earlier.
Next stop, 3 hours later at Kuala Lumpur City Centre (underneath the Petronas Twin Towers) where I first went off by myself to pick up the passport (and yes, I was organised, made easy because I only had to produce one piece of paper). Then we met for lunch at a neat little cafe called The Lawn. It served Western food, so we ordered quiche (and had a quick English lesson on how to pronouce 'quiche' ie not kich), pita and dips and a slice of cheesecake, all of which we shared. After that, we found the car and proceeded to Pavillion, an upmarket shopping mall where their college-going daughter was participating in a kolam design activity. So we met up with her and went to eat again. This time is was more traditional Malaysian food - assam laksa (sour coconut soup), char kway teow (fried flat noodles) and nasi lemak (coconut rice served with sambal and curry chicken). I was so full by this time, I thought I'd never need to eat again. Indeed, even though we'd only stopped for 3 meals and I'd only eaten two of them, their focus on food was proving to be too much for my delicate little stomach. I felt full after just talking about what we were going to eat next.
Next we stopped at a gourmet supermarket which stocks everything from almost any country. There was my Australian halal, export grade minced beef, sitting there in all it's fresh, meaty goodness. It looked so good, but not having the esky with me, I couldn't buy any. So instead, I lashed out and bought some designer dark chocolate - and it was GOOD, really GOOD - so light and lovely and not too sweet - and a few other things that were too expensive and I could probably do without.
By this time, it was almost 6 and we had to high-tail it across town where Kim had her consultation with a weight-loss consultant (yes, I know, the irony of it all) after which we proceeded to another restaurant called Marmalade. This restaurant is The Lawn's (from above) big brother. Here, I was told, we were just stopping for afternoon tea, so don't order a meal. I tried not to roll my eyes and ordered a hot chocolate to accompany "the best carrot cake" they had ordered to share with me. The next stop was IKANO, another, smaller shopping mall that I know well because we used to live near here. I like this place because it has most things I need and more importantly, it's not too big. And the bookshop is big and full of all the latest English books. I bought another 2 Torey Hayden books which I find so inspiring in my line of work - her philosophy and teaching approach are similar to mine, though her work is much more intense and on a greater scale than mine. She's not too rigid in her programming, a little unconventional in her approach and I find that reading her 'memoirs', (stories of the kids she's taught) helps me in my own work, showing me how to think more outside the box.
So going to that place was worth the traffic jam it took to get there. And we didn't eat, thank god! When we left at 10.00pm I was feeling really drained and just wanted to go home. But, guess where we were headed now - that's right, it was dinner time. We ended up eating dim sum for dinner because I'd said I could only eat something really small and that eating chilli now was not doing myself any favours. So dim sum it was. Dim sum is called yum cha in Melbourne. You order little dishes of things like steamed pork and prawn rolls, steamed pork ribs and you eat it without the need for rice. It was good. The hot chinese tea was soothing and the hot dishes settled my stomach - I think I needed a good hot meal at that point without realising it and so it really hit the spot. After that , I felt OK again and we finally headed home - it was almost 11.
We arrived home at 1.30, tired and happy, me clutching the precious passport and my books (and bags and water and another bag and ...). Thankyou Kim and Wilson, for taking me with you and going to KLCC when you didn't really have to go there. I am, of course, grateful to have such wonderful friends.
A great day and not a meltdown in sight!
I've been wanting to get away from the kids and have some time to myself, so I was happy and extremely grateful when they said that yes, they were going. We fixed the pick-up time for 9.30 and for the first time in ages, they arrived on time. They caught me so much by surprise that I wasn't actually ready when they arrived, so I had to scramble around for 10 or so minutes, double checking this and that, getting water and finding my glasses.
Having glasses to find is a new thing for me and I'm definitely not used to it. I take them off and forget that I should be wearing them and then wonder why, hours later, my eyes are killing me. And I need a new frame - the frame I've got now is so thin, it's just getting mangled from being used everyday.
The thing about going out with Kim and her husband is that the places we go are determined by what they want to eat. And they eat a lot. First stop was in town here for breakfast where they had noodles and a hot drink. I only had a cup of tea because I'd had my breakfast earlier.
Next stop, 3 hours later at Kuala Lumpur City Centre (underneath the Petronas Twin Towers) where I first went off by myself to pick up the passport (and yes, I was organised, made easy because I only had to produce one piece of paper). Then we met for lunch at a neat little cafe called The Lawn. It served Western food, so we ordered quiche (and had a quick English lesson on how to pronouce 'quiche' ie not kich), pita and dips and a slice of cheesecake, all of which we shared. After that, we found the car and proceeded to Pavillion, an upmarket shopping mall where their college-going daughter was participating in a kolam design activity. So we met up with her and went to eat again. This time is was more traditional Malaysian food - assam laksa (sour coconut soup), char kway teow (fried flat noodles) and nasi lemak (coconut rice served with sambal and curry chicken). I was so full by this time, I thought I'd never need to eat again. Indeed, even though we'd only stopped for 3 meals and I'd only eaten two of them, their focus on food was proving to be too much for my delicate little stomach. I felt full after just talking about what we were going to eat next.
Next we stopped at a gourmet supermarket which stocks everything from almost any country. There was my Australian halal, export grade minced beef, sitting there in all it's fresh, meaty goodness. It looked so good, but not having the esky with me, I couldn't buy any. So instead, I lashed out and bought some designer dark chocolate - and it was GOOD, really GOOD - so light and lovely and not too sweet - and a few other things that were too expensive and I could probably do without.
By this time, it was almost 6 and we had to high-tail it across town where Kim had her consultation with a weight-loss consultant (yes, I know, the irony of it all) after which we proceeded to another restaurant called Marmalade. This restaurant is The Lawn's (from above) big brother. Here, I was told, we were just stopping for afternoon tea, so don't order a meal. I tried not to roll my eyes and ordered a hot chocolate to accompany "the best carrot cake" they had ordered to share with me. The next stop was IKANO, another, smaller shopping mall that I know well because we used to live near here. I like this place because it has most things I need and more importantly, it's not too big. And the bookshop is big and full of all the latest English books. I bought another 2 Torey Hayden books which I find so inspiring in my line of work - her philosophy and teaching approach are similar to mine, though her work is much more intense and on a greater scale than mine. She's not too rigid in her programming, a little unconventional in her approach and I find that reading her 'memoirs', (stories of the kids she's taught) helps me in my own work, showing me how to think more outside the box.
So going to that place was worth the traffic jam it took to get there. And we didn't eat, thank god! When we left at 10.00pm I was feeling really drained and just wanted to go home. But, guess where we were headed now - that's right, it was dinner time. We ended up eating dim sum for dinner because I'd said I could only eat something really small and that eating chilli now was not doing myself any favours. So dim sum it was. Dim sum is called yum cha in Melbourne. You order little dishes of things like steamed pork and prawn rolls, steamed pork ribs and you eat it without the need for rice. It was good. The hot chinese tea was soothing and the hot dishes settled my stomach - I think I needed a good hot meal at that point without realising it and so it really hit the spot. After that , I felt OK again and we finally headed home - it was almost 11.
We arrived home at 1.30, tired and happy, me clutching the precious passport and my books (and bags and water and another bag and ...). Thankyou Kim and Wilson, for taking me with you and going to KLCC when you didn't really have to go there. I am, of course, grateful to have such wonderful friends.
A great day and not a meltdown in sight!
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