July has been a long month, and slow. Every time I think August should be here by now, I check my calender and it's still July. But we're getting there. July is a 5 week month which is why it's taking so long to finish, but it also means higher fees which is good for me but bad for them (the people who have to pay me fees for teaching their little kiddies). I like the end of the month. Fees are due to me, so I feel rich(er) and of course it brings me closer to our trip back home. I'm finishing up one of my English classes at night this month and the other finishes next month. The first class got too small and the second class are just so not into learning English, I feel like I'm wasting my time. So I'll have my nights back again, to do with what, I don't know, but dinner will be more relaxed when I'm finished teaching there.
My new student is coming along, slowly. At the moment we're doing simple things together, playing with puzzles, playdough and games.Today I had him without anyone else present for the first time (that's always a little scary, you never know whether they will throw a huge tantrum or not). His older brother has been tagging along so that he could translate for me and his parents were hoping his English would improve. However, he's proving to be more of a hindrance than anything because he goes through my toy collection asking his brother if he wants to do this or that and thoroughly distracting him. More annoying is the fact that he doesn't appear to hear me when I ask him to stop. It's made me wonder if the hyperactivity doesn't run in the family. But today I started a book for my student, to keep track of what we do. I will put photos and drawings with it to make it relevant and interesting to him. He was interested in the text of today's entry and let me read it to him (he doesn't so much as go near other books) and took notice of my small, immature drawings of the toys he had played with which was a nice surprise. At this time, his brother had actually left to go to another tuition class and Jia Jin was much more responsive. I will ask his mother to let the brother stay at home from now on. If they want to improve his English and behaviour, they can book separate sessions for him and pay me for it.
After doing so well, Feng Ying is now officially 'all over the place'! She's refusing to speak as well as she was, is not concentrating, is not tracing well and is spending more time in her own world where she babbles and laughs and is oblivious to everything else. Unfortunately, that's often the case with these kids - 2 steps forward, 3 back, 1 forward, another forward, 2 back and 1 forward. There's nothing for it but to just keep trying and in some instances, to start again. She should pick up again, and go forward more quickly than before because she's done it all. It's not that she can't do her work, it's her autism stopping her - she's retreating into her own world away from my demands so my job now is to make my world look more exciting than hers so that she wants to come out and play again, so to speak.
Son is also a bit of a worry. Now he's been taken in by the magical world. He's continually in a world of magic which means spells, disappearing and using magic to enter rooms. he spins around as he walks and talks to himself alot. I know it's only a phase, but it's a weird one. He still obsessed with the Wiggles and guitars. When he was about 2 he was obsessed with golf - everything was a golf club, including my aunty's walking stick. My son's latest ambition is to sell fish and chips during the day and be a magician at night! It was difficult to keep a straight face when he announced this one.
Anway, it's all quiet and calm at the moment. There are only 4 months to go before ... I don't have to tell you do I? Exams and holidays are coming up again. Did my first bout of exercise tonight in what has been way too long. I swam and did some other weighty exercises in the pool until two middle-aged chinese guys turned up and started spitting up after every lap. God, they can't keep it to themselves, it's disgusting, so I got out and went home. The pool was lovely though, I was the only one there (for a while), breaking the glassy blue water. I love the look of a pool with a glassy surface, it's just so inviting and beautiful.
On Facebook I found a group of former students and staff from my old primary school where I was a teacher for 4 years. It's a great school and looks like it still is. Those kids I taught are now coming up to 20 - there are pics of them drinking beer and smiling, with girlfriends in tow. I can still remember them as cheeky, shy, amazing, cute little 6 year olds. Now they are adults and I still feel the same as I did then. Bizarre. I think Face book is good for doing things like this and keeping up with family but I don't really like it otherwise. Hmmm..
So tired, I think I'll go to bed. 'night.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Feng Ying's progress update
I just wanted to share her progress with you. We've been working on tracing lines, sitting and attending to pre-writing tasks, colouring and using different writing materials. That girl is changing before my very eyes. Four weeks ago, she was just barely tracing lines, instead just wanting to make some marks on paper. I kept at it, asking to to follow the lines, helping her hand over hand to trace letters and lines, shapes and numbers, giving her different colours to experiment with, using crayons, pencils and markers and lo and behold, she did it. Yesterday she traced full page of different types of lines with a purple marker. By herself, no hand holding required. I showed her father, thinking that he might not realise the important steps she had taken, but no, he did. He was impressed. And happy! He adores her - which is not hard because she is a delightful little girl, but his ooh's and ahh's and the way he looked at her showed me what a proud father he is.
I have a lot of respect for him, because he gives her everything she needs. He will do anything to help her and has, I think, accepted her for who she really is, autism and all. And that's hard in a culture like this one, where imperfection like this is often seen as 'bad karma' coming back at you for something you did in the last life. So I'm glad he recognises her achievements for what they are - huge steps for a little girl who would willingly spend most of her time her own little world if she was allowed to.
And something else interesting has arisen here - my own acceptance of my skills. I've always had a good amount of doubt about whether I could really make a difference to these kids - there was always someone else there who I could give the credit to or just think that the kid was going to improve anyway - or not. But in this situation, it's me that's making the difference (I'm the only one here, working on these particular skills) and to see it played out in something so obvious as Feng Ying's learning to trace is something I have yet to come to terms with. I can't believe she's doing it, but she is - and I taught her that.
Cool.
I have a lot of respect for him, because he gives her everything she needs. He will do anything to help her and has, I think, accepted her for who she really is, autism and all. And that's hard in a culture like this one, where imperfection like this is often seen as 'bad karma' coming back at you for something you did in the last life. So I'm glad he recognises her achievements for what they are - huge steps for a little girl who would willingly spend most of her time her own little world if she was allowed to.
And something else interesting has arisen here - my own acceptance of my skills. I've always had a good amount of doubt about whether I could really make a difference to these kids - there was always someone else there who I could give the credit to or just think that the kid was going to improve anyway - or not. But in this situation, it's me that's making the difference (I'm the only one here, working on these particular skills) and to see it played out in something so obvious as Feng Ying's learning to trace is something I have yet to come to terms with. I can't believe she's doing it, but she is - and I taught her that.
Cool.
Mindfulness and inner spirit
Everyday, I think about putting stuff in this blog, just so that I can remember what I thought about during the day. The commentary that goes around in my head about my comings and goings sounds like a blog entry inside my head, yet I'm never quite able to repeat it when I do sit down to write stuff down.
Tuesday came and ex got home around 8-ish. He'd gotten the flu while he was away and wasn't feeling well, so went to bed about an hour later and stayed there til late next morning. Not much different than his normal pattern of behaviour when he comes home from a few days away. He seems more relaxed now - he should be. Even though I didn't feel anxious or anything, I couldn't sleep that night. I was up til 6 am and only slept after that for about an hour. I tried to smile a bit when he arrived back, but it feels so forced and awkward. I'm not really happy to see him, though the kids were and I suppose that's what matters.
I know I could be a lot nicer to him - smile more, do more for him but for me to do that would mean an emotional investment that I'm just not willing to make - I mean, for me to act warmly towards another person, I need to feel it and I can't afford to feel warm or anywhere close to warm about him. I'd go to pieces if it wasn't reciprocated, so I need to keep us at a stand-offish level. It's the only way I can cope with him not being in my life anymore.
On another topic, he mentioned mindfulness today - mindfulness is a level of awareness that you can achieve if you step back from your ego and become one with whatever you are doing at the moment. Like if you are playing a sport, then you are totally there, not thinking about other things or anything in the future. You are positive and not holding onto anger and resentments and things around you fall into place. He asked if I'd heard of it. Definitely I said, I read about it about 18 months ago after I came back. Mindfulness is another term for living in the 'now'. Don't think about the past or future, all you have is now. Eckhart Tolle's writes about it in great detail and how to achieve it. If you can, it's a very low stress way to live - things are as they are, neither good nor bad and all we have is now, so focus on it 100%. When I am happy and stable, this is the mindset I have. I couldn't have gotten this far without it. On one of the Borderline Personality Disorder sites, they outline what it is to be mindful and recommend that people with BPD strive to achieve it. I'd recommend it to everyone as it's very helpful in dealing with that underlying dissatisfaction that so many people seem to have these days. It's also about connecting with the spirit we all have inside of us and appreciating each moment for what it is.
When I am happy and stable, I can feel this spiritual connection inside of me and from that comes the happiness, that I so desparately crave. When I say spirit, I don't mean God, though for some people, they would call it that. I mean your own spirit, the 'energy' that sends out vibes to the universe - an invisible energy that we all have, whether you acknowledge it or not. A positive spirit will attract more of the same and a negative one will drive people away from you and generate anger and resentment. Happiness is never connected to how much money you have or the things that you have, that I definitely know. I've had money (sort of), driven a luxury car, lived in beautiful places and was never as at peace with myself as I am now.
Mindfulness and this inner energy are the first abstract ideas I've ever really believed in. I'm a practical and logical person (though ex would question the logical part). I believe in science, not religion and I've always doubted the existence of a 'God' as such. We were always told as kids that God was watching all the things we did and I never liked that idea. Not at all. And I find it hard to believe in something that's so.... well... not there. Where's the proof?
I've got my own proof about my inner energy though. I've seen it at work, felt its effects and even taught my kids about it. If you have a positive energy about things, good things will come. That I know. I've seen it work on a superficial level, where I've been thinking about someone and suddenly they are calling me or sending me a message. And I've seen it work on a deeper level, where, in the same situation, I can be desparately unhappy one day and perfectly normal the next, depending on how mindful I am and whether I am willing my spirit to be positive or not.
If my spirit is positive, my kids are settled and things flow smoothly. I am a good teacher and a good mother, a good person. I am focussed, organised, secure and confident and I like myself this way. I am a better person all round, something I could never have said about myself previously. Even though I still have meltdowns (don't like myself when I do), I feel like I've 'fixed' that part of myself, the part that felt so broken, for so many years. Through the reading I've done, with ex's encouragement and support (and he has been there for this part), through the research, I was able to step back and look at those 'broken' parts and pick up the pieces and put them back together, albeit in a different way. And through it all, though it's been painful and really shitty at times, I know it's made me a much stronger person than I would have been otherwise.
Oprah said it so well when she said that "the worst, most painful moments of your life are those your holiest moments". What she means is that you will learn from the pain, the hard times and though I wouldn't have believed her 3 years back, I sure as hell believe her now. She says to aks ourselves, "what is your life teaching you know?" Sitting in the pain of a situation (like that of a significant loss), we get the opportunity to find out who we really are - are we going to look up and move on and hope or are we going to dive down and never recover?
Of course, though I can talk about it, I can't always do it - if I could, the meltdowns would never happen. It's ironic that I can know a topic so well, yet be unable to fully live it, though my guess is that I'm still learning and it's all a part of the journey. If I could step back and be mindful, with a positive spirit, I'd be able to feel warm feelings towards ex and it wouldn't matter if they were reciprocated or not. I still have a lot to learn though.
I remember my Dad being worried that this 'situation' would destroy me. I know now, though I didn't before, that it won't. There is more pain to come, that I know and not only for me, but for all four of us. But we will get through the pain and it will fade and we'll emerge on the other side of it, stronger in character and in the belief of ourselves. That is how I want to deal with it and how I want to teach my kids to deal with it. No matter what happens. To survive with any hope for a good life at all, it is how we will need to deal with it. It will hurt, there's no doubt about that, but we will get through it.
And if we can deal with this in a positive way, then we can deal with anything.
Tuesday came and ex got home around 8-ish. He'd gotten the flu while he was away and wasn't feeling well, so went to bed about an hour later and stayed there til late next morning. Not much different than his normal pattern of behaviour when he comes home from a few days away. He seems more relaxed now - he should be. Even though I didn't feel anxious or anything, I couldn't sleep that night. I was up til 6 am and only slept after that for about an hour. I tried to smile a bit when he arrived back, but it feels so forced and awkward. I'm not really happy to see him, though the kids were and I suppose that's what matters.
I know I could be a lot nicer to him - smile more, do more for him but for me to do that would mean an emotional investment that I'm just not willing to make - I mean, for me to act warmly towards another person, I need to feel it and I can't afford to feel warm or anywhere close to warm about him. I'd go to pieces if it wasn't reciprocated, so I need to keep us at a stand-offish level. It's the only way I can cope with him not being in my life anymore.
On another topic, he mentioned mindfulness today - mindfulness is a level of awareness that you can achieve if you step back from your ego and become one with whatever you are doing at the moment. Like if you are playing a sport, then you are totally there, not thinking about other things or anything in the future. You are positive and not holding onto anger and resentments and things around you fall into place. He asked if I'd heard of it. Definitely I said, I read about it about 18 months ago after I came back. Mindfulness is another term for living in the 'now'. Don't think about the past or future, all you have is now. Eckhart Tolle's writes about it in great detail and how to achieve it. If you can, it's a very low stress way to live - things are as they are, neither good nor bad and all we have is now, so focus on it 100%. When I am happy and stable, this is the mindset I have. I couldn't have gotten this far without it. On one of the Borderline Personality Disorder sites, they outline what it is to be mindful and recommend that people with BPD strive to achieve it. I'd recommend it to everyone as it's very helpful in dealing with that underlying dissatisfaction that so many people seem to have these days. It's also about connecting with the spirit we all have inside of us and appreciating each moment for what it is.
When I am happy and stable, I can feel this spiritual connection inside of me and from that comes the happiness, that I so desparately crave. When I say spirit, I don't mean God, though for some people, they would call it that. I mean your own spirit, the 'energy' that sends out vibes to the universe - an invisible energy that we all have, whether you acknowledge it or not. A positive spirit will attract more of the same and a negative one will drive people away from you and generate anger and resentment. Happiness is never connected to how much money you have or the things that you have, that I definitely know. I've had money (sort of), driven a luxury car, lived in beautiful places and was never as at peace with myself as I am now.
Mindfulness and this inner energy are the first abstract ideas I've ever really believed in. I'm a practical and logical person (though ex would question the logical part). I believe in science, not religion and I've always doubted the existence of a 'God' as such. We were always told as kids that God was watching all the things we did and I never liked that idea. Not at all. And I find it hard to believe in something that's so.... well... not there. Where's the proof?
I've got my own proof about my inner energy though. I've seen it at work, felt its effects and even taught my kids about it. If you have a positive energy about things, good things will come. That I know. I've seen it work on a superficial level, where I've been thinking about someone and suddenly they are calling me or sending me a message. And I've seen it work on a deeper level, where, in the same situation, I can be desparately unhappy one day and perfectly normal the next, depending on how mindful I am and whether I am willing my spirit to be positive or not.
If my spirit is positive, my kids are settled and things flow smoothly. I am a good teacher and a good mother, a good person. I am focussed, organised, secure and confident and I like myself this way. I am a better person all round, something I could never have said about myself previously. Even though I still have meltdowns (don't like myself when I do), I feel like I've 'fixed' that part of myself, the part that felt so broken, for so many years. Through the reading I've done, with ex's encouragement and support (and he has been there for this part), through the research, I was able to step back and look at those 'broken' parts and pick up the pieces and put them back together, albeit in a different way. And through it all, though it's been painful and really shitty at times, I know it's made me a much stronger person than I would have been otherwise.
Oprah said it so well when she said that "the worst, most painful moments of your life are those your holiest moments". What she means is that you will learn from the pain, the hard times and though I wouldn't have believed her 3 years back, I sure as hell believe her now. She says to aks ourselves, "what is your life teaching you know?" Sitting in the pain of a situation (like that of a significant loss), we get the opportunity to find out who we really are - are we going to look up and move on and hope or are we going to dive down and never recover?
Of course, though I can talk about it, I can't always do it - if I could, the meltdowns would never happen. It's ironic that I can know a topic so well, yet be unable to fully live it, though my guess is that I'm still learning and it's all a part of the journey. If I could step back and be mindful, with a positive spirit, I'd be able to feel warm feelings towards ex and it wouldn't matter if they were reciprocated or not. I still have a lot to learn though.
I remember my Dad being worried that this 'situation' would destroy me. I know now, though I didn't before, that it won't. There is more pain to come, that I know and not only for me, but for all four of us. But we will get through the pain and it will fade and we'll emerge on the other side of it, stronger in character and in the belief of ourselves. That is how I want to deal with it and how I want to teach my kids to deal with it. No matter what happens. To survive with any hope for a good life at all, it is how we will need to deal with it. It will hurt, there's no doubt about that, but we will get through it.
And if we can deal with this in a positive way, then we can deal with anything.
Monday, July 20, 2009
What is a cute loaf of bread?
It is this, the bread on the left. It's round, about 15 cm long and 5 cm in diameter. It's wholegrain. I bought it purely on cuteness factor. The other bread is my normal bread. The cute bread doesn't look that cute or small here but you'll have to take my word for it.
cheers
Written last night, posted Monday morning
It never feels like it will pass, but it always does. Always. Every time. Ex left for his time away and I was OK - no spiralling, no bad mood. Nothing.
I don't know what brought the spiral on, but when ex asks, I always say "it's the same thing, it's everything.", because I don't really know. The online counsellor agrees. I'd emailed her mid-crisis because I didn't know what else to do and she seems to think it's those issues coming up for a re-hash because I'm yearning for another life. I know it's true. I think all of you could have said the same thing. I know it is. But if I don't focus on the present, I spiral. If I think of the future, I spiral. If I think about the past, I spiral. If I think about this day, this hour, these kids, this meal, this teaching session, I don't spiral.
In the meantime, life goes on. Chores need to be done, meals cooked, kids picked up. English taught. This time I tried to stay on track with my commitments. Usually I cancel classes but this time I was determined not to. And for the most part, I stuck to it.
I wrote to the online counsellor and she replied telling me to see my doctor right away. I couldn't get to do that because I had commitments to keep and he wasn't around on the other days. My doctor here is a brilliant man, gentle and caring and I trust him. But he'll just talk to me and tell me to take xanax if it gets really bad, which is just about all he can do.
I don't think I need therapy anyway, I just think I need to get out of here. I'm sure you'd all agree. I was not like this when I went home in 07. This is not me. I am better than this. I can do better, I just need to be home and getting on with my life - as I said above.
So it's on with life again. I took the kids to Malacca yesterday and we had a good, but tiring, day out. We shopped, browsed, ate and relaxed and my boy could take his time to finish his lunch. My girl scored a new headband, shoes on sale, a brain-teaser book and a few other things that were not on the shopping list. We went to the bakery and ate french-inspired pastry (well made too) and bought the cutest little loaf of grain bread you've ever seen.
We bought meat - 5 packets of Australian, low fat, export-quality minced beef, salmon steaks, fish fillets, a few packets of clean, chopped chicken pieces, ham and yes, bacon! I'd filled the esky with ice cubes in the morning and when we'd finished buying up, I stored our lovely, meaty purchases in there while we went around and had a bit of fun - played at the games centre, played with the toy shop toys, read books at the book shop and looked and browsed and looked some more.
Going home, tired but with new Daughtry CD to relax and rock to, we got caught in a traffic jam thanks to the local traffic authority who decided to conduct a road block in peak hour traffic. Well done boys, you looked like you were having fun, smiling and waving every car on, so why the hell were you blocking the road anyhow!
The rest of the drive home was Ok though, once we'd cleared the block. Both kiddies slept a while so it was very peaceful. We arrived safely home at 6.30 and went to mother-in-laws for dinner at 7.10. She seemed pleased to see us and then we followed that with a visit to the cousin's place where we had another nice visit (we haven't been there in months. Nice day.
Tomorrow, ex gets back. I told him he shouldn't rush home, that we are OK and he should stay awhile if he wants. He doesn't understand why his presence adds to the probability of me having a meltdown. Good god man, you've been part of my life for the last 19 years and now you are not. Now, I am just an arrangement to you, your children's mother, someone to cook and clean the house (yes I know I don't have to, but I do). For all his awareness and knowledge, he really is clueless sometimes - sometimes, not always, but yes, definitely sometimes.
So it's off to bed. It's been a big day. Before blogging, I had a dose of Adam Lambert performing at the idol tour in the US, courtesy of adamlambertobsessed.blogpot.com. Wow, that man can perform - jaw dropping stuff. It struck me as i was watching that because he didn't win, he's not the last performer on stage. Kris Allen (who won the AI title) is. He's so much softer and has the stage presence of well, nothing really (though I do like his voice), not next to Adam anyway. So for him to come after Adam had performed 4 or 5 amazing songs (Led Zeppelin's Whole Lotta Love being one of them) with all his flair and glam rock get-up, it must be a bit of an anti-climax for the audience. I think I'd just get up and leave after Adam did his thang - and what a thang he does - those hips (OMG the hips - he was so tame during his American Idol stint), those eyes, that voice - honestly the best thing to come along in a very long time. Love it.
Time to dream. Mmmmmmm....
I don't know what brought the spiral on, but when ex asks, I always say "it's the same thing, it's everything.", because I don't really know. The online counsellor agrees. I'd emailed her mid-crisis because I didn't know what else to do and she seems to think it's those issues coming up for a re-hash because I'm yearning for another life. I know it's true. I think all of you could have said the same thing. I know it is. But if I don't focus on the present, I spiral. If I think of the future, I spiral. If I think about the past, I spiral. If I think about this day, this hour, these kids, this meal, this teaching session, I don't spiral.
In the meantime, life goes on. Chores need to be done, meals cooked, kids picked up. English taught. This time I tried to stay on track with my commitments. Usually I cancel classes but this time I was determined not to. And for the most part, I stuck to it.
I wrote to the online counsellor and she replied telling me to see my doctor right away. I couldn't get to do that because I had commitments to keep and he wasn't around on the other days. My doctor here is a brilliant man, gentle and caring and I trust him. But he'll just talk to me and tell me to take xanax if it gets really bad, which is just about all he can do.
I don't think I need therapy anyway, I just think I need to get out of here. I'm sure you'd all agree. I was not like this when I went home in 07. This is not me. I am better than this. I can do better, I just need to be home and getting on with my life - as I said above.
So it's on with life again. I took the kids to Malacca yesterday and we had a good, but tiring, day out. We shopped, browsed, ate and relaxed and my boy could take his time to finish his lunch. My girl scored a new headband, shoes on sale, a brain-teaser book and a few other things that were not on the shopping list. We went to the bakery and ate french-inspired pastry (well made too) and bought the cutest little loaf of grain bread you've ever seen.
We bought meat - 5 packets of Australian, low fat, export-quality minced beef, salmon steaks, fish fillets, a few packets of clean, chopped chicken pieces, ham and yes, bacon! I'd filled the esky with ice cubes in the morning and when we'd finished buying up, I stored our lovely, meaty purchases in there while we went around and had a bit of fun - played at the games centre, played with the toy shop toys, read books at the book shop and looked and browsed and looked some more.
Going home, tired but with new Daughtry CD to relax and rock to, we got caught in a traffic jam thanks to the local traffic authority who decided to conduct a road block in peak hour traffic. Well done boys, you looked like you were having fun, smiling and waving every car on, so why the hell were you blocking the road anyhow!
The rest of the drive home was Ok though, once we'd cleared the block. Both kiddies slept a while so it was very peaceful. We arrived safely home at 6.30 and went to mother-in-laws for dinner at 7.10. She seemed pleased to see us and then we followed that with a visit to the cousin's place where we had another nice visit (we haven't been there in months. Nice day.
Tomorrow, ex gets back. I told him he shouldn't rush home, that we are OK and he should stay awhile if he wants. He doesn't understand why his presence adds to the probability of me having a meltdown. Good god man, you've been part of my life for the last 19 years and now you are not. Now, I am just an arrangement to you, your children's mother, someone to cook and clean the house (yes I know I don't have to, but I do). For all his awareness and knowledge, he really is clueless sometimes - sometimes, not always, but yes, definitely sometimes.
So it's off to bed. It's been a big day. Before blogging, I had a dose of Adam Lambert performing at the idol tour in the US, courtesy of adamlambertobsessed.blogpot.com. Wow, that man can perform - jaw dropping stuff. It struck me as i was watching that because he didn't win, he's not the last performer on stage. Kris Allen (who won the AI title) is. He's so much softer and has the stage presence of well, nothing really (though I do like his voice), not next to Adam anyway. So for him to come after Adam had performed 4 or 5 amazing songs (Led Zeppelin's Whole Lotta Love being one of them) with all his flair and glam rock get-up, it must be a bit of an anti-climax for the audience. I think I'd just get up and leave after Adam did his thang - and what a thang he does - those hips (OMG the hips - he was so tame during his American Idol stint), those eyes, that voice - honestly the best thing to come along in a very long time. Love it.
Time to dream. Mmmmmmm....
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Time flies
It doesn't seem like a week since I last wrote, but the dates confirm it. From last week, Thursday, Friday and Saturday were normal days, though I was starting to feel pretty crappy by Saturday. I was hoping it wasn't the same virus my kids had had, but I'm sure it is. Sickness always affects my moods so I walk around looking like someone has died (or so ex tells me).
I've also acquired another student. I didn't want another one, but his mum seemed so desperate I coudln't say no. He's a chinese kid, around 7 years of age without a word of English. He happily speaks in chinese, not understanding that I don't understand him and he's obsessed with mechanical pencils. He's spent some time in a normal school this year because his grandparents don't believe there is anything wrong with him and that he'll grow out of it and so disapprove of his mother putting him anywhere else. it's often like this with chinese families. They just don't want to accept that their children or grandchildren could be flawed in anyway.That's not to say that all Chinese families are like this - certainly not. Of the seven or eight kids that I know with disabilities, all of them have dedicated parents that have accepted their children for who they are - relatives can be a problem though.
So I'm going to start this child off with one hour a week and I've recommended that he go to the autistic centre for 5 days a week - that is why I helped to set it up, so that I wouldn't feel guilty about not accepting more students. In between kids, the house and my meltdowns, I don't really have the time for any more. I know my limits. He's not attending anywhere at the moment, which is why I agreed to take him. Perhaps I can get him started on some basic skills - like 'you must do what the teacher says' and 'sit down when you eat'. He'll be interesting, I just wish I had a translator because he's a lot more talkative than the other three I have. We'll see how we go.
Sunday came and we took the kids to Muar for a day out, which is a sort of seaside town but I've never really seen the seaside - I've seen the river banks, and the river, but no sea. They say the seafood is good there but the river looks so dirty, that I can't imagine anything good coming from it. We saw some monkeys that hang around in one of the parks, who are just there because the people throw them nuts. We took the kids to the playground, ex met a friend for 10 minutes who we didn't see because apparently this guy was too shy because he doesn't speak English. OK, then. A lot of people are shy of me here, because they don't trust their English - I can understand that, it's the reason I don't speak Chinese.
So Muar was good - we had a nice country drive up and then a nice dinner of chicken rice (rice with yep, chicken, but the chicken was really good) and ex had 'o chien' an omelette that includes oysters in its ingredients.
Oh yes, I wanted to write about being a 'special case'. In the last 6 months or so, ex has been 'letting go' of a lot of things, so he doesn't get angry so much anymore with my mistakes. I told him he'd changed, alot. I found myself wishing that he could have done that while we were married. I talked to him about it and he said that he was just doing it that way for me, because I'm a 'special case'.
In other words, he's only doing it because he knows I can't handle it any other way. That realisation alone, made me glad that we are not together anymore because if we were, things would not have changed in the way that they did. I'm glad that he lets go... I think he should do it because getting angry never helps anyway and while one or two lectures about how things can be done better is OK, ten is not. He told me he will be harsher on the kids, than he is on me. I can't do anything about that, because he thinks it's the right thing to do. I think my daughter will be able to handle it, but I'm not so sure about my son. He's sensitive like me, yet I know he needs to be told a few things about his behaviour. It's going to be tricky with him as he's growing up - he can be so odd sometimes and when he's hurt, he's really hurt and he takes a lot longer to get over it.
I'm think I'm rambling because there doesn't seem to be a point to all of this. It's late, I'm still feeling below par and my hands are itching and I can't take anything because I've taken 4 medicines a few hours ago, courtesy of my already being sick.I hope they don't get worse tonight because it'll keep me awake and that's the last thing I need.
Today my little student Feng Ying made another leap with me - she initiated a game of hide and seek. She ran behind onto the sofa and waited for me to come and find her, giggling all the while. That was good enough for me, you've got to take what you get. It's much more normal for her to just walk in and ignore me. She didn't talk much today, but she did that, so I was happy. She's improved so much, yet she still has such a long way to go to be even close to her peers.
So it's late again. I slept for almost 3 hours today, to try and catch up on the sleepless nights of the past week so now sleep is a long way off. No matter, Adam Lambert videos will fill the gap. :)
Here's a video of his that I watch at least a few times a week. :)
Mad World
I've also acquired another student. I didn't want another one, but his mum seemed so desperate I coudln't say no. He's a chinese kid, around 7 years of age without a word of English. He happily speaks in chinese, not understanding that I don't understand him and he's obsessed with mechanical pencils. He's spent some time in a normal school this year because his grandparents don't believe there is anything wrong with him and that he'll grow out of it and so disapprove of his mother putting him anywhere else. it's often like this with chinese families. They just don't want to accept that their children or grandchildren could be flawed in anyway.That's not to say that all Chinese families are like this - certainly not. Of the seven or eight kids that I know with disabilities, all of them have dedicated parents that have accepted their children for who they are - relatives can be a problem though.
So I'm going to start this child off with one hour a week and I've recommended that he go to the autistic centre for 5 days a week - that is why I helped to set it up, so that I wouldn't feel guilty about not accepting more students. In between kids, the house and my meltdowns, I don't really have the time for any more. I know my limits. He's not attending anywhere at the moment, which is why I agreed to take him. Perhaps I can get him started on some basic skills - like 'you must do what the teacher says' and 'sit down when you eat'. He'll be interesting, I just wish I had a translator because he's a lot more talkative than the other three I have. We'll see how we go.
Sunday came and we took the kids to Muar for a day out, which is a sort of seaside town but I've never really seen the seaside - I've seen the river banks, and the river, but no sea. They say the seafood is good there but the river looks so dirty, that I can't imagine anything good coming from it. We saw some monkeys that hang around in one of the parks, who are just there because the people throw them nuts. We took the kids to the playground, ex met a friend for 10 minutes who we didn't see because apparently this guy was too shy because he doesn't speak English. OK, then. A lot of people are shy of me here, because they don't trust their English - I can understand that, it's the reason I don't speak Chinese.
So Muar was good - we had a nice country drive up and then a nice dinner of chicken rice (rice with yep, chicken, but the chicken was really good) and ex had 'o chien' an omelette that includes oysters in its ingredients.
Oh yes, I wanted to write about being a 'special case'. In the last 6 months or so, ex has been 'letting go' of a lot of things, so he doesn't get angry so much anymore with my mistakes. I told him he'd changed, alot. I found myself wishing that he could have done that while we were married. I talked to him about it and he said that he was just doing it that way for me, because I'm a 'special case'.
In other words, he's only doing it because he knows I can't handle it any other way. That realisation alone, made me glad that we are not together anymore because if we were, things would not have changed in the way that they did. I'm glad that he lets go... I think he should do it because getting angry never helps anyway and while one or two lectures about how things can be done better is OK, ten is not. He told me he will be harsher on the kids, than he is on me. I can't do anything about that, because he thinks it's the right thing to do. I think my daughter will be able to handle it, but I'm not so sure about my son. He's sensitive like me, yet I know he needs to be told a few things about his behaviour. It's going to be tricky with him as he's growing up - he can be so odd sometimes and when he's hurt, he's really hurt and he takes a lot longer to get over it.
I'm think I'm rambling because there doesn't seem to be a point to all of this. It's late, I'm still feeling below par and my hands are itching and I can't take anything because I've taken 4 medicines a few hours ago, courtesy of my already being sick.I hope they don't get worse tonight because it'll keep me awake and that's the last thing I need.
Today my little student Feng Ying made another leap with me - she initiated a game of hide and seek. She ran behind onto the sofa and waited for me to come and find her, giggling all the while. That was good enough for me, you've got to take what you get. It's much more normal for her to just walk in and ignore me. She didn't talk much today, but she did that, so I was happy. She's improved so much, yet she still has such a long way to go to be even close to her peers.
So it's late again. I slept for almost 3 hours today, to try and catch up on the sleepless nights of the past week so now sleep is a long way off. No matter, Adam Lambert videos will fill the gap. :)
Here's a video of his that I watch at least a few times a week. :)
Mad World
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Sorry no lunch or class today.
Yesterday
Here I am again, a mind literally driving me crazy. It's homorne week which never helps, even though that's not the sole cause. I don't know how I got here, I only know that it's completely distressing and every bad thing that ever happended to me will come up and I will feel the emotions all over again. The hate, the anger, the resentment all. over. again. Things go around in my brain distracting me to no end. I forget things too, like this morning I could have sworn I'd packed my daughter's homework into her bag, yet when I got back home after dropping her off at school, I found those books laying on my bed.
What if I'm like this at home, when ex is not there to pick up the slack. What if I really am crazy - it feels that way and I know that it's exacerbated here, but still. What if it's not the situation that making me spiral, but it's me. What am I going to do with my kids. What if I give 'it' to them. My daughter already has 'swirls and whirls" going around in her head when she's upset. What if ex decides that I can't cope and asks me to leave or at the end of all this, he says I still want one child. What is he going to do with that child? Is he going to to leave them at his brother's when he goes away? Is he going to sleep for hours in the afternoon while that child plays by itself around the house? What if.... so many what if's. Last night my daughter came into my room and I was crying a bit. I know every psychologist in the world will tell you that young kids shouldn't see their parents cry, not this crying anyway. But she does and has before. I try to hide it, but sometimes I don't succeed and the guilt that comes with that is overwhelming. What if I screw her up because she thinks she needs to take care of her mother, what if she ends up feeling responsible for me? What if it ties her down and she doesn't get to do what she really wants? I know I can't think of that now, but these are the questions that drive me mad.
Last night he went to go out for supper and I was already feeling stressed and when he said he was going out I almost cried. I couldn't help it. I didn't want him to go out, but I didn't feel like I could ask him to stay home either. I told him, a little less than gently, just to go, don't buy into the behaviour, I can't be like this so just go. He went. I wanted to say, I can't do this, I need comforting, I need someone to stay with me and talk to me. But now, that is not his role and I've just got to suck it up.Fuck you!
I miss having a partner so much. Because even though our relationship was so bad, I still remember good times when I could count on him to make me feel better. There were times when I felt we connected. But now, nothing. When I see him sitting at his desk, which he does alot, it looks so easy for him. He can just sit there and read news, play games or go to sleep whenever he wants to. And sometimes it's like nothing else exists for him - take it or leave it, come and go when you want to. There's no obligation for him to cook, clean or be there for the kids. If he wants to, he goes away and takes whatever work he's doing with him. There seems to be no ties for him. If he wants to go out all night and come home the next morning then sleep all day, he does. To my mind, though not to his, he has the easy part. Do whatever, with whoever, whenever he wants.
Soemtimes I just feel like taking off, going where I want to go. Maybe take a trip around the world, going to see the things that I want to see. I want to see New York, the Northern lights at the top of the world, Adam Lambert in concert (missed Elvis, so Adam'll have to do), Canada, Austria and a few others. Famous stuff, famous paintings. I want to go scuba diving. Am I going to see those things, probably not, not while I'm stuck here in this hole anyway.
Even through all the shit, I can see that I'm not going to be here forever. Things will change, as they always do, but I swear, these three years are going to be the longest of my life and I feel like I should make the most of them, but these moods, they have a life of their own sometimes and they take over and make the worst out of everything. It always surprises me that I can be so good, so functional on one day and the next day, even though the situation is exactly the same, I'm a train wreck. The human psyche is an amazing (ly unstable) thing.
So, here I sit, at the other end of my emotional ride. The rollercoaster has come to a stop, perhaps to pick up more baggage and send me on another ride later. Maybe ex will look at me in a certain way or I'll see something on tv and it will start all over again. I've cancelled my classes because I thought I'd be on xanax and unable to teach, so now I have the whole afternoon to myself. I'm hungry but can't decide what to eat. Maybe I won't eat perhaps a sleep is in order. Or some tv. Maybe not.
My friend, who's going through the aftermath of breaking up with her husband and is in the throes of thinking 'how did I not see this?' put it so well when she said of my situation "gee, I've got my friends with me to help me, but all you've got is your phonecalls, nothing else.'
Yep! But wait, I do have my blog still and my lovely internet friends.
Here I am again, a mind literally driving me crazy. It's homorne week which never helps, even though that's not the sole cause. I don't know how I got here, I only know that it's completely distressing and every bad thing that ever happended to me will come up and I will feel the emotions all over again. The hate, the anger, the resentment all. over. again. Things go around in my brain distracting me to no end. I forget things too, like this morning I could have sworn I'd packed my daughter's homework into her bag, yet when I got back home after dropping her off at school, I found those books laying on my bed.
What if I'm like this at home, when ex is not there to pick up the slack. What if I really am crazy - it feels that way and I know that it's exacerbated here, but still. What if it's not the situation that making me spiral, but it's me. What am I going to do with my kids. What if I give 'it' to them. My daughter already has 'swirls and whirls" going around in her head when she's upset. What if ex decides that I can't cope and asks me to leave or at the end of all this, he says I still want one child. What is he going to do with that child? Is he going to to leave them at his brother's when he goes away? Is he going to sleep for hours in the afternoon while that child plays by itself around the house? What if.... so many what if's. Last night my daughter came into my room and I was crying a bit. I know every psychologist in the world will tell you that young kids shouldn't see their parents cry, not this crying anyway. But she does and has before. I try to hide it, but sometimes I don't succeed and the guilt that comes with that is overwhelming. What if I screw her up because she thinks she needs to take care of her mother, what if she ends up feeling responsible for me? What if it ties her down and she doesn't get to do what she really wants? I know I can't think of that now, but these are the questions that drive me mad.
Last night he went to go out for supper and I was already feeling stressed and when he said he was going out I almost cried. I couldn't help it. I didn't want him to go out, but I didn't feel like I could ask him to stay home either. I told him, a little less than gently, just to go, don't buy into the behaviour, I can't be like this so just go. He went. I wanted to say, I can't do this, I need comforting, I need someone to stay with me and talk to me. But now, that is not his role and I've just got to suck it up.Fuck you!
I miss having a partner so much. Because even though our relationship was so bad, I still remember good times when I could count on him to make me feel better. There were times when I felt we connected. But now, nothing. When I see him sitting at his desk, which he does alot, it looks so easy for him. He can just sit there and read news, play games or go to sleep whenever he wants to. And sometimes it's like nothing else exists for him - take it or leave it, come and go when you want to. There's no obligation for him to cook, clean or be there for the kids. If he wants to, he goes away and takes whatever work he's doing with him. There seems to be no ties for him. If he wants to go out all night and come home the next morning then sleep all day, he does. To my mind, though not to his, he has the easy part. Do whatever, with whoever, whenever he wants.
Soemtimes I just feel like taking off, going where I want to go. Maybe take a trip around the world, going to see the things that I want to see. I want to see New York, the Northern lights at the top of the world, Adam Lambert in concert (missed Elvis, so Adam'll have to do), Canada, Austria and a few others. Famous stuff, famous paintings. I want to go scuba diving. Am I going to see those things, probably not, not while I'm stuck here in this hole anyway.
Even through all the shit, I can see that I'm not going to be here forever. Things will change, as they always do, but I swear, these three years are going to be the longest of my life and I feel like I should make the most of them, but these moods, they have a life of their own sometimes and they take over and make the worst out of everything. It always surprises me that I can be so good, so functional on one day and the next day, even though the situation is exactly the same, I'm a train wreck. The human psyche is an amazing (ly unstable) thing.
So, here I sit, at the other end of my emotional ride. The rollercoaster has come to a stop, perhaps to pick up more baggage and send me on another ride later. Maybe ex will look at me in a certain way or I'll see something on tv and it will start all over again. I've cancelled my classes because I thought I'd be on xanax and unable to teach, so now I have the whole afternoon to myself. I'm hungry but can't decide what to eat. Maybe I won't eat perhaps a sleep is in order. Or some tv. Maybe not.
My friend, who's going through the aftermath of breaking up with her husband and is in the throes of thinking 'how did I not see this?' put it so well when she said of my situation "gee, I've got my friends with me to help me, but all you've got is your phonecalls, nothing else.'
Yep! But wait, I do have my blog still and my lovely internet friends.
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