Yesterday was huge day for all of us. What did we do? We went shopping. Here in Malaysia, shopping is a national pastime. Hordes and hordes of Malay and Chinese people flock to the shopping malls looking for the latest and greatest thing to buy that will make them happy. Or they are just there to walk around and stay cool and "use someone else's air conditioning" as I've heard my sis-in-law say.
Whatever it is, millions of people find it necessary to drive to a place where there never seems to be enough parking, despite the acres and acres of parking space and then crowd themselves into shopping malls where the choices of what to buy is positively astounding.
Shopping malls make my head spin. Yesterday we went to two of them in Johor Baru, which is city that forms the entrance way to Singapore and Indonesia. It's a biggish sprawling city where the people are many and the crime rate is high. To live securely down there you need to live in a condominium or gated community where the security is very tight. But going shopping there is OK - you go in and then get out, but I wouldn't live there.
Why did we go here? Actually my plan for yesterday was to go to Malacca, as per my usual trip - I have the whole "Going to Malacca" routine down pat. We leave at 9, get there at 11, eat at bakery, shop at Cold Storage (ex-pat supermarket), stash purchases in car then shop at Jusco supermarket. This is where I get fish, mince beef, chopped up chicken, ham, bacon, pork, great cheese, dark chocolate, button mushrooms, lovely butterhead lettuce, and a host of other things that we like to eat. After this we eat lunch, walk around a bit and then go home. We're normally home by 5 or 6, which is enough for all of us. Ex doesn't come with us on these trips because he's usually away and he had planned to be away this weekend but cancelled at the last minute, for who knows what reason. Then his mother told him she wanted to visit an old friend down in JB, so he asked if we could go there instead. I agreed, not wanting to seem difficult.
As I was saying, yesterday we went to two shopping malls. The first one was terrible. To me, it looked like there was stuff everywhere. When I go in, I need a few minutes to get my bearings, remember where I came in and just look around to see what's what. When I was looking at this place, nothing seemed to make sense. The layout was confusing, more like a labyrinth of temporarily placed shops than a spacious well thought out design. The anchor tenant (main shop) was Carrefour, a hypermarket like a Coles K-mart put together and then doubled in size. I was supposed to do my grocery shopping here, but although the pork was good, there wasn't any beef or nice fish, so that was it for me, I didn't want to shop there. Ex had said that if I couldn't get what I wanted, we could go to Jusco which was not far from where we were(not the same Jusco in Malacca). We walked around this place, meandering meaninglessly for about 2 hours, after which I was so exhausted, I took the kids to the bookshop, gave them a book each and proceeded to sit down and close my eyes. I was so tired, I could have slept there and then. I think it's the air quality in these places. Even back home, if I walk around a shopping centre for a few hours, I feel like a truck's hit me and I have to leave. I'm OK if I space it out and sit and drink coffee every hour and a half, but you can't always do that.
And I find the choice at shopping malls over the top. I prefer to have a few varieties to choose from, rather than hundreds. Something about having so much choice for everything makes me sick. Even for clothes and shoes for myself, I don't buy much. I have three pairs of shoes - surf sandals, slips ons for everyday and a pair of exercise shoes - that's it. My clothing is more extensive, but still very basic. I don't own a dress, I have 2 skirts and 2 pairs of shorts and a few pairs of pants. The rest are shirts and t-shirts. I've always thought that for a woman, I'm very low maintenance, but I digress.
So anyway, we completed the shopping trip, had lunch at a Japanese restaurnat and the kids were great - no fussing over their food and no spills or tantrums to embarrass ex. I'd bought the kids a small toy each and they were pretty happy. We finished around 5pm and then went and collected ex's mum from her friends place and drove home. Unusually, ex and I shared the driving this time because he needed to navigate. This is the one thing I think we do really well together. He's great at navigating and I'm a great at following directions so it works well. And we were both tired this time, so it allowed us to share the responsibility of driving.
It was an OK day I guess, given the stress that could have arisen because of this or that. We're both much better at letting things go now, which helps keep the peace and much more accepting of each other's mistakes. So if we miss a turn or get lost, there's no stress and we just deal with it in the best way we can. I always think about how nice this would have been if we could have done this during our marriage, but maybe we needed to go through all of that before being able to do what we do now - does that even make sense? I don't know and don't really care.
I just know that I'm here because of what I (and we) have been through. It had to happen the way it did, so no point regretting anything. But our shopping trips are always a good measure of how far we've come because of how many different opportunities there are to become stressed. And on Sunday, we dealt with everything, even each other. So I'm happy for that.
Tonight (Monday), as I'm writing this, I feel really good. I've just come from supper with not one, but two friends, the second one being the other Australian woman that has lived in Segamat for the last 20 years. I called her today to join my friend and I and she came along. We have so much in common, right down to the Dutch heritage but most importantly we share the same sense of humour. Western humour is different to Asian humour, so tonight we laughed together over a cup of green tea (I know, boring, but alcohol is expensive and I'm trying to cut down my calorie intake) and talked about shopping for meat, teeth, weight, food and the f-word. She's funny, laid back and very down to earth. And she thinks I'm funny - actually she said something like "gee, isn't she funny" to Kim, but she seemed surprised. This is not a side of me most people see because I'm quite reserved and shy, but if I'm comfortable with someone, I can talk forever and my sense of humour comes out and shows it's sarcastic arse!
It felt good being with the two of them - I think and hope the three of us will make good friends.
3 green teas - RM4.75
Time spent: 2 and a half hours (that seemed like 10 minutes)
Connection with like minds: Priceless.
:)
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Just glad to be of service.
One of my students is has high-functioning autism. This means that she is not as disabled as some of my other students. She can read, write, learn and is a part of 'our' world, whereas many other autistic people remain aloof and quite helpless really. She's bright, this girl, but her social skills are not very good and if you met her, you'd sense that 'something wasn't quite right'. She's the one who, since she's been coming to me, "now can talk many" - which is a direct quote from her very happy mother. She's a real sweetie, I adore her and now that she's 'getting it', as in understanding more, she's really keen to learn which makes her a pleasure to teach.
Her mum is lovely and every holidays, she will ask to send her 3 daughters to me for a session in English - perhaps just to give herself a break and to break up the holidays for the kids. Today was one of those days and I'd noticed during our session that although the oldest daughter can speak English quite well, she doesn't really read that well.
Here, good marks in English can get you a long way. Being able to speak, read and write in English means you can teach it and make a really decent living which I think will be important to this family later in life. Here, they don't have the pension or social security - just a bit of welfare for the really poor. So the children must make enough money later on to support themselves and their parents, which can also be difficult in a small town like this where there are many people and salaries are low. I don't know if what I do with this girl will really impact on her future in this way, but it may lay a good foundation for her English learning later on.
So today I decided that to really pick up on doing my bit for the community here, I would offer to teach this young girl English, but gratis. I know that although they pay their fees to me every month, on time, sending their eldest to me (as well) is just not something they can afford. When I asked her mum if she could send her and told her "you no need pay me, OK" she cried. For me, it was just such an unexpected reaction, I almost cried myself. She said she was so happy that I had offered, it must mean a lot to them, but I really had no idea how much. I think since the downturn, this family has seen some tough times but I wasn't really sure. Then when I cut the fees last month because they seemed a bit high (I charge RM 15 for my time, but 4 hours a week, plus a holiday session, adds up), the relief on the mother's face was obvious.
So, I'm really glad that I can offer this to them. It makes so little difference to me in terms of effort, but will definitely make a difference to this girl.
Another good reason to be here.
Her mum is lovely and every holidays, she will ask to send her 3 daughters to me for a session in English - perhaps just to give herself a break and to break up the holidays for the kids. Today was one of those days and I'd noticed during our session that although the oldest daughter can speak English quite well, she doesn't really read that well.
Here, good marks in English can get you a long way. Being able to speak, read and write in English means you can teach it and make a really decent living which I think will be important to this family later in life. Here, they don't have the pension or social security - just a bit of welfare for the really poor. So the children must make enough money later on to support themselves and their parents, which can also be difficult in a small town like this where there are many people and salaries are low. I don't know if what I do with this girl will really impact on her future in this way, but it may lay a good foundation for her English learning later on.
So today I decided that to really pick up on doing my bit for the community here, I would offer to teach this young girl English, but gratis. I know that although they pay their fees to me every month, on time, sending their eldest to me (as well) is just not something they can afford. When I asked her mum if she could send her and told her "you no need pay me, OK" she cried. For me, it was just such an unexpected reaction, I almost cried myself. She said she was so happy that I had offered, it must mean a lot to them, but I really had no idea how much. I think since the downturn, this family has seen some tough times but I wasn't really sure. Then when I cut the fees last month because they seemed a bit high (I charge RM 15 for my time, but 4 hours a week, plus a holiday session, adds up), the relief on the mother's face was obvious.
So, I'm really glad that I can offer this to them. It makes so little difference to me in terms of effort, but will definitely make a difference to this girl.
Another good reason to be here.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Family and Friends
It's been a busy couple of days. Saturday afternoon was spent cleaning the house in readiness for a visit from the in-laws on Sunday. Ex's oldest brother, his wife, their two sons and their live-in helper came down from KL for a rare visit. Now that the house is clean, I've vowed to try to keep it that way. I'm a bit of a messy person - for me, every horizontal surface is a storage area but I'm determined to change and teach my kids (if possible) that staying organised is a good thing and means you can always find something when you need it.
Sunday came and I was due to go to my friends house to visit for their new year. Thing is, I hadn't heard or had completely forgotten that ex had said he was going to come with us. I didn't really want him to come but I didn't want to exclude him either and as I was getting ready to walk out the door, he said 'but I'm coming with you'. I honestly couldn't recall it at all, that he'd said he would be joining us and I felt really bad about it because it looked like we were just ignoring him, which wasn't the case.
Even though I didn't think it was necessary for him to come with us, it turned out that we really did need him. Malay people you see, operate on their own timetable and even though I'd arranged to meet my friend at a certain place, she had decided to go to the cemetery at this time and so I would have been pretty stuck had it not been for ex. He was able to speak in Malay to the other friend (they are sisters) and get instructions on where to go.
I'm not sure what I was expecting when we got there, but it was all bit of an anti-climax really. We found the house, were shown in, said all the greetings to her and I think one other person and sat down in the sitting room which was at the front part of the house. The rest of the house was curtained off so we couldn't see to the back of the house and it felt kind of cut off. Then my friend went through these curtains, while we sat and sat and waited and sat for about another half an hour and waited for her to come back. There were some kids around but I we didn't see another adult until the sister came back from the cemetery. It was strange - this friend has 6 brothers and I guess numerous sister's in law but we didn't really get introduced to any of them. Then after a walk around the outside of the house, we had lunch, but nobody ate with us - it was just us and then later we sort of stood around watching the kids play with my friends youngest son - again by ourselves. I guess they had things to do on this day, but in the end I braved it and went through the curtain to find my friend because we didn't know what was going on and I could tell ex was getting a bit antsy (as I was) and the kids were getting hot.
So through the curtain I went and what do you know? A big room which extended way back into a kitchen. There were a few people there, but no-one introduced themselves or anybody else. Fast forward about a half hour and my poor friend takes me aside and tells me that her family has just had this huge fight and everyone is upset. I felt so awful for her, she was obviously really stressed by now and was so apologetic. Just goes to show that in families everywhere, there are problems. Oh yes, and the father was upset because some idiot had stolen their cow (worth a few thousand ringgit apparently), so all was not well in that house.
The next house we visited belonged to the sister who was supposed to pick me up initially. Here again we ate a smaller lunch (just to taste the foods) and had a drink. We met more people here and I think that someone said I was the first foreigner they'd ever met. Not hard to believe considering where they live. One of the relatives was a teacher at a secondary school so her English was quite good. Unfortunately my small talk skills are not good, so it was a brief, stop-start kind of conversation. Ah, what I wouldn't give to be witty and socially fluent - is that even a thing? Socially fluent? Probably not, but it's the best way I can describe what I'd like to be in this kind of situation. Ex had a better time talking to the people that emerged from the back of the house to see the foreigner. Again, we were seated in the best part of the house. This time though, my friend asked me to come back to meet a myriad of aunties and sisters in law. To my astonishment, the back of the house contained no sitting furniture at all. There was a tv and everyone was sitting on the floor. That was it - apart from the stuff and some cabinets and the lino on the floor. There were a few men around but I wasn't introduced to them and they ignored me - maybe it's a cultural thing.
After we'd finished here, time was getting on, so we made one last stop at the third (autistic centre) teacher's house. We chatted, had another drink and watched our son talk to everyone (he's not shy like his mother, nor reserved like his father) and sit outside with all the Malay boys, speaking English to them.
The teachers were sweet and if we're invited we'll go back again next year, but the visit confirmed one thing for me: Malay men are horrible. Now there's a difference between the Malays and Malaysians. Ex's race is chinese, but his nationality is Malaysian. He is non religious and therefore able to marry me. Malays are another race here and they form the majority Muslim population. The women wear headscarfs and the men do whatever they want. To marry a Muslim, you must convert. It's these men I don't like. It's not because of their race, it's the way they are. They are arrogant and cocky and treat the women (who of course do all the work) badly. The younger men walk around like they own the place (the streets anyway) and you shouldn't be there. They're horrible and give me the creeps. I feel for the women who have to live with them. I'm sure there are some nice Malay men around, I think I've met one, but they are rare.
The other races here are the Indians, who are OK and the Indonesians, who are here as migrant workers and who also give me the creeps. They stare, they're rude and again, quite cocky. In big groups, they are just plain frightening. But then again, a big bunch of Caucasian 20-something men who've been drinking are also scary - just look at Melbourne city these days. Full of scary men, beating up people for no reason other than they are there.
The rest of the weekend was taken up with ex's family from KL. We went for dinner, went to my MiL's place, I took sis-in-law for breakfast where she proceeded to ask me about the 'situation' and when I'd be going back. I told her some things and not others. The kids played the way cousins should, and my sis-in-lay discovered the delights of making pizza and pasta out of playdough - yes, it's a toy for all ages.
All in all, a pleasant weekend. I feel for my Malay teacher friend though - her sms to me today was along the lines of wanting time to pass quickly so she can get back to work and forget about her problems. You never can tell what goes on behind closed doors, can you?
When I think about the way ex and I have handled our situation, I feel good for the kids and for us, pleased that we can sort stuff out on this level, even if it does get a bit messy sometimes. We're both aware enough to realise that what we do will affect the kids directly, so we censor ourselves and we're civil and we treat each well - most of the time.
And I'm glad we haven't settled for being in a miserable marriage. We were never going to work it out being together as we were. In a conversation today with ex, he was telling me about another friend who is married an Irish girl and is living in Ireland with her and their two kids. They're not happy either, but he's decided to accept it as his lot and stay together with her, living in misery.
Life is precious and even though we couldn't be happy together, that doesn't mean we have to stay that way. We accept that we're not compatible now, even if we once thought we were and we've sorted it the best way we can, given that there are two other lives involved now. But I'm glad we didn't just think we had to stay miserable. Two miserable parents together or two happier, separated ones?
I know which one I'd prefer.
'Night.
Sunday came and I was due to go to my friends house to visit for their new year. Thing is, I hadn't heard or had completely forgotten that ex had said he was going to come with us. I didn't really want him to come but I didn't want to exclude him either and as I was getting ready to walk out the door, he said 'but I'm coming with you'. I honestly couldn't recall it at all, that he'd said he would be joining us and I felt really bad about it because it looked like we were just ignoring him, which wasn't the case.
Even though I didn't think it was necessary for him to come with us, it turned out that we really did need him. Malay people you see, operate on their own timetable and even though I'd arranged to meet my friend at a certain place, she had decided to go to the cemetery at this time and so I would have been pretty stuck had it not been for ex. He was able to speak in Malay to the other friend (they are sisters) and get instructions on where to go.
I'm not sure what I was expecting when we got there, but it was all bit of an anti-climax really. We found the house, were shown in, said all the greetings to her and I think one other person and sat down in the sitting room which was at the front part of the house. The rest of the house was curtained off so we couldn't see to the back of the house and it felt kind of cut off. Then my friend went through these curtains, while we sat and sat and waited and sat for about another half an hour and waited for her to come back. There were some kids around but I we didn't see another adult until the sister came back from the cemetery. It was strange - this friend has 6 brothers and I guess numerous sister's in law but we didn't really get introduced to any of them. Then after a walk around the outside of the house, we had lunch, but nobody ate with us - it was just us and then later we sort of stood around watching the kids play with my friends youngest son - again by ourselves. I guess they had things to do on this day, but in the end I braved it and went through the curtain to find my friend because we didn't know what was going on and I could tell ex was getting a bit antsy (as I was) and the kids were getting hot.
So through the curtain I went and what do you know? A big room which extended way back into a kitchen. There were a few people there, but no-one introduced themselves or anybody else. Fast forward about a half hour and my poor friend takes me aside and tells me that her family has just had this huge fight and everyone is upset. I felt so awful for her, she was obviously really stressed by now and was so apologetic. Just goes to show that in families everywhere, there are problems. Oh yes, and the father was upset because some idiot had stolen their cow (worth a few thousand ringgit apparently), so all was not well in that house.
The next house we visited belonged to the sister who was supposed to pick me up initially. Here again we ate a smaller lunch (just to taste the foods) and had a drink. We met more people here and I think that someone said I was the first foreigner they'd ever met. Not hard to believe considering where they live. One of the relatives was a teacher at a secondary school so her English was quite good. Unfortunately my small talk skills are not good, so it was a brief, stop-start kind of conversation. Ah, what I wouldn't give to be witty and socially fluent - is that even a thing? Socially fluent? Probably not, but it's the best way I can describe what I'd like to be in this kind of situation. Ex had a better time talking to the people that emerged from the back of the house to see the foreigner. Again, we were seated in the best part of the house. This time though, my friend asked me to come back to meet a myriad of aunties and sisters in law. To my astonishment, the back of the house contained no sitting furniture at all. There was a tv and everyone was sitting on the floor. That was it - apart from the stuff and some cabinets and the lino on the floor. There were a few men around but I wasn't introduced to them and they ignored me - maybe it's a cultural thing.
After we'd finished here, time was getting on, so we made one last stop at the third (autistic centre) teacher's house. We chatted, had another drink and watched our son talk to everyone (he's not shy like his mother, nor reserved like his father) and sit outside with all the Malay boys, speaking English to them.
The teachers were sweet and if we're invited we'll go back again next year, but the visit confirmed one thing for me: Malay men are horrible. Now there's a difference between the Malays and Malaysians. Ex's race is chinese, but his nationality is Malaysian. He is non religious and therefore able to marry me. Malays are another race here and they form the majority Muslim population. The women wear headscarfs and the men do whatever they want. To marry a Muslim, you must convert. It's these men I don't like. It's not because of their race, it's the way they are. They are arrogant and cocky and treat the women (who of course do all the work) badly. The younger men walk around like they own the place (the streets anyway) and you shouldn't be there. They're horrible and give me the creeps. I feel for the women who have to live with them. I'm sure there are some nice Malay men around, I think I've met one, but they are rare.
The other races here are the Indians, who are OK and the Indonesians, who are here as migrant workers and who also give me the creeps. They stare, they're rude and again, quite cocky. In big groups, they are just plain frightening. But then again, a big bunch of Caucasian 20-something men who've been drinking are also scary - just look at Melbourne city these days. Full of scary men, beating up people for no reason other than they are there.
The rest of the weekend was taken up with ex's family from KL. We went for dinner, went to my MiL's place, I took sis-in-law for breakfast where she proceeded to ask me about the 'situation' and when I'd be going back. I told her some things and not others. The kids played the way cousins should, and my sis-in-lay discovered the delights of making pizza and pasta out of playdough - yes, it's a toy for all ages.
All in all, a pleasant weekend. I feel for my Malay teacher friend though - her sms to me today was along the lines of wanting time to pass quickly so she can get back to work and forget about her problems. You never can tell what goes on behind closed doors, can you?
When I think about the way ex and I have handled our situation, I feel good for the kids and for us, pleased that we can sort stuff out on this level, even if it does get a bit messy sometimes. We're both aware enough to realise that what we do will affect the kids directly, so we censor ourselves and we're civil and we treat each well - most of the time.
And I'm glad we haven't settled for being in a miserable marriage. We were never going to work it out being together as we were. In a conversation today with ex, he was telling me about another friend who is married an Irish girl and is living in Ireland with her and their two kids. They're not happy either, but he's decided to accept it as his lot and stay together with her, living in misery.
Life is precious and even though we couldn't be happy together, that doesn't mean we have to stay that way. We accept that we're not compatible now, even if we once thought we were and we've sorted it the best way we can, given that there are two other lives involved now. But I'm glad we didn't just think we had to stay miserable. Two miserable parents together or two happier, separated ones?
I know which one I'd prefer.
'Night.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
And the puking goes on... but it's not me and it's all over my floor
The 3 hour break at KLCC did turn out to be the best thing. By the time we had to meet up we'd both calmed down and without saying anything further, excepting the small talk, and we began the three hour journey home. When we travel, my job is to watch for signs and directions so I did that but once we were out of the city, I crashed (went to sleep). I was so tired, not only from the half xanax I'd taken earlier but also from the whole episode. It's so draining and after what we'd been through, I thought I'd better just shut up. So it was a quiet journey home and we arrived back at around 7.
And so to today. We're back to that normality that we've created and everyone is fine. We are back to conversations like "I'm making coffee, would you like some?" and "Are you going out tonight? No, you can" - normal stuff.
I had a student come today, the hyper one that can't speak English. The trouble with not speaking English is that you can't tell your teacher when you are going to vomit all over the floor. And the trouble with not speaking Chinese is that you have to get your ex to translate for you to tell the mother what has happened. Poor kid, he just went pale and let it all out. I panicked a bit because there was so much of it and it's always more awful when the child is not your own. But luckily I have a stomach for these things and the clean up was quick. I've seen much worse.
Anyway, time to cook, shower and get ready to teach English tonight. Tomorrow is the English class and then on Sunday we are going to lunch at a friend's house in the next town for Hari Raya (malay new year). The friends are the teachers at the autistic centre so that will be nice.
Selamat Hari Raya.
PS who won the footy?
And so to today. We're back to that normality that we've created and everyone is fine. We are back to conversations like "I'm making coffee, would you like some?" and "Are you going out tonight? No, you can" - normal stuff.
I had a student come today, the hyper one that can't speak English. The trouble with not speaking English is that you can't tell your teacher when you are going to vomit all over the floor. And the trouble with not speaking Chinese is that you have to get your ex to translate for you to tell the mother what has happened. Poor kid, he just went pale and let it all out. I panicked a bit because there was so much of it and it's always more awful when the child is not your own. But luckily I have a stomach for these things and the clean up was quick. I've seen much worse.
Anyway, time to cook, shower and get ready to teach English tonight. Tomorrow is the English class and then on Sunday we are going to lunch at a friend's house in the next town for Hari Raya (malay new year). The friends are the teachers at the autistic centre so that will be nice.
Selamat Hari Raya.
PS who won the footy?
Be careful or I'll puke all over you
From today, written while in KL, in my notebook, with my very sharp, lovely, mechanical pencil.
I'm writing this from a small out-of-the-way cafe in KLCC (shopping mall below twin towers in KL) where we had to go today because we needed to go to the Australian High Comm which is across the road from this place. Travel time: 3 hours each way.
The morning started out well, I was organised and this time I had the correct passports with me. But the drive up was awful. We were going OK, not talking too much. Half way through the drive I asked the wrong kind of question - one of those personal ones that is on THAT side of the line. Though he treated it as no big deal and answered with a simple neutral no, I did (make a big deal of it).
And then I began to react - badly. So I turned away from him, without saying anything further, tried to just ignore myself and take a nap instead. Wrong move. I could feel my face and body language changing and he'd not long finished telling me "I can put up with most things, but not THAT face" so I didn't want him to have to look at me. I could feel my energy becoming hateful and angry. Fuck you and your secretive bullshit, I was thinking, so shamefully.
Pissed with him, I began to get angry with myself, firstly for crossing the line and secondly for reacting way over the top. So, so upset with myself at stuffing the day up. So I tried to sleep it off, which he then interpreted as my turning my back on him. I just didn't want him to have to look at my horrible face. Despicable, self-loathing feelings coursing through my veins. By this time, I was feeling physically sick. Eventually I asked him to stop the car so I could get out. While out, I took some xanax and drank water, willing myself to calm down.
*
It's very difficult to come back from this point. There's an addictive-like pull that drags you down and you have to see the whole meltdown through. It's like vomiting - you know it's coming, it's going to be bad and yet you can't stop it - inevitable misery to follow.
First the trigger, then the thoughts, then the fighting, pleading, crying, feelings of such desperateness that you will do and say anything to smooth things over. Then more crying as you feel remorse and a sense of hopelessness, followed by silence and finally the apology, the admittance of wrong doing if there was was any, and a slow, careful return to normality. That's a meltdown in a nutshell.
In the cafe I'm sitting in, I'm taking my own sweet time over lunch. I am by myself, ex is off somewhere else, recovering from my stupid behaviour. We split as soon as we got back to KLCC from the High Comm. He said he thought it was best (he needed space) and though I agreed and it was my fault in the first place, it felt like he'd abandoned me. That feeling of having absolutely nothing is terrifying and hard to detach from. At this point, I am the most scared - scared that I will lose absolutely everything. I felt like crying, but luckily 'rational mind' kicked in and took me down an escalator before I'd humiliated myself by running after him.
Knowing how much I think he can't stand me makes it worse. I read things into his behaviour that may or may not be there and forget that he is under a tremendous amount of pressure as much as I am. I think he hates me, he's ashamed of me and my sour face and is embarrassed to be seen with me. Sometimes it's all I can do to stop myself from running away so that he's not burdened with me.
This is not the whole story, he has a side too. It's hard for him to be with me, to have any good feelings or to extend any sympathy or good will toward me. I am difficult and unpredictable, thoughtless and unaware.
I know that my friends, you lovely people included, do not know this side of me and may not believe it's true. But it is. It feels true. I feel like I am difficult and unpredictable.
Everyone has two sides to them. The light side that they show the world and the darker side that we keep to ourselves or only show those who are closest to us. I can't hide my dark side sometimes. It shows itself to everyone around within shouting distance, like it's waiting to be noticed, to be paid some attention.
Well it's time to get up and be a normal person again, not some weirdo woman holed up in a cafe drinking tea and eating chicken pie while madly scribbling on a notepad. There's an hour and a half to go before I need to meet up with ex. I wish I could just keep walking and be swallowed up by the crowd, bidding goodbye to my life.
But no, that's not going to happen. Think of the children, think of how far you've come and be strong. Today is just a set back. You'll recover from it and so will he. Go back to your life, be as normal as you can be and you'll be fine.
Promise, go, it's OK.
Conclusion, next post.
I'm writing this from a small out-of-the-way cafe in KLCC (shopping mall below twin towers in KL) where we had to go today because we needed to go to the Australian High Comm which is across the road from this place. Travel time: 3 hours each way.
The morning started out well, I was organised and this time I had the correct passports with me. But the drive up was awful. We were going OK, not talking too much. Half way through the drive I asked the wrong kind of question - one of those personal ones that is on THAT side of the line. Though he treated it as no big deal and answered with a simple neutral no, I did (make a big deal of it).
And then I began to react - badly. So I turned away from him, without saying anything further, tried to just ignore myself and take a nap instead. Wrong move. I could feel my face and body language changing and he'd not long finished telling me "I can put up with most things, but not THAT face" so I didn't want him to have to look at me. I could feel my energy becoming hateful and angry. Fuck you and your secretive bullshit, I was thinking, so shamefully.
Pissed with him, I began to get angry with myself, firstly for crossing the line and secondly for reacting way over the top. So, so upset with myself at stuffing the day up. So I tried to sleep it off, which he then interpreted as my turning my back on him. I just didn't want him to have to look at my horrible face. Despicable, self-loathing feelings coursing through my veins. By this time, I was feeling physically sick. Eventually I asked him to stop the car so I could get out. While out, I took some xanax and drank water, willing myself to calm down.
*
It's very difficult to come back from this point. There's an addictive-like pull that drags you down and you have to see the whole meltdown through. It's like vomiting - you know it's coming, it's going to be bad and yet you can't stop it - inevitable misery to follow.
First the trigger, then the thoughts, then the fighting, pleading, crying, feelings of such desperateness that you will do and say anything to smooth things over. Then more crying as you feel remorse and a sense of hopelessness, followed by silence and finally the apology, the admittance of wrong doing if there was was any, and a slow, careful return to normality. That's a meltdown in a nutshell.
In the cafe I'm sitting in, I'm taking my own sweet time over lunch. I am by myself, ex is off somewhere else, recovering from my stupid behaviour. We split as soon as we got back to KLCC from the High Comm. He said he thought it was best (he needed space) and though I agreed and it was my fault in the first place, it felt like he'd abandoned me. That feeling of having absolutely nothing is terrifying and hard to detach from. At this point, I am the most scared - scared that I will lose absolutely everything. I felt like crying, but luckily 'rational mind' kicked in and took me down an escalator before I'd humiliated myself by running after him.
Knowing how much I think he can't stand me makes it worse. I read things into his behaviour that may or may not be there and forget that he is under a tremendous amount of pressure as much as I am. I think he hates me, he's ashamed of me and my sour face and is embarrassed to be seen with me. Sometimes it's all I can do to stop myself from running away so that he's not burdened with me.
This is not the whole story, he has a side too. It's hard for him to be with me, to have any good feelings or to extend any sympathy or good will toward me. I am difficult and unpredictable, thoughtless and unaware.
I know that my friends, you lovely people included, do not know this side of me and may not believe it's true. But it is. It feels true. I feel like I am difficult and unpredictable.
Everyone has two sides to them. The light side that they show the world and the darker side that we keep to ourselves or only show those who are closest to us. I can't hide my dark side sometimes. It shows itself to everyone around within shouting distance, like it's waiting to be noticed, to be paid some attention.
Well it's time to get up and be a normal person again, not some weirdo woman holed up in a cafe drinking tea and eating chicken pie while madly scribbling on a notepad. There's an hour and a half to go before I need to meet up with ex. I wish I could just keep walking and be swallowed up by the crowd, bidding goodbye to my life.
But no, that's not going to happen. Think of the children, think of how far you've come and be strong. Today is just a set back. You'll recover from it and so will he. Go back to your life, be as normal as you can be and you'll be fine.
Promise, go, it's OK.
Conclusion, next post.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
We're more normal than we think
Last night I went out again. It sounds like I go out alot and I probably do, but I need the company and the stimulation of normal adult conversation, because I don't get it here and I know it's a good way to avert my moods.
This time though, instead of calling me back, ex gave me 350 Ringgit and said take your time!! I was pleasantly surprised when I didn't get a message asking me to come back - so it doesn't happen every time.
So there we were my friend and I, hidden away in a late night (and very busy) coffee shop, chatting and whinging about what else, men. She was telling me about her husband and how he feels the need to show her how to do everything and how she can't stand it and it makes her feel so stupid and he wants her to do it his way... starting to sound familiar. I swear, if I didn't know any better, I'd have thought that I was listening to myself.
So I've come to the conclusion that we (ex and I) are way more normal than we think we are and that a lot of other couples have exactly the same issues and have the same reactions as we do. That and the things that you nice people have been telling me for the past 18 months proves to me that I DO NOT have Borderline Personality Disorder and that he IS NOT abnormally controlling or pedantic. We are just normal people trying to do what many other normal people are doing.
Fast forward one day and ex is having a hard day with our son. Ex has decided that just being here for the kids is not good enough and so he's endeavouring to get more involved in the day to day stuff such as:
~ doing the dishes every day - I rarely do dishes now, because of my poor sensitive hands (which are finally on the mend thanks to a super steroid cream my sis in law gave me)
~ spending more time with kids, getting them to help around the house
~ offering to do more things like take the kids to school, visit his mum more and generally be more involved with day to day life.
I'm guessing now that I'm more stable, he feels he can join in a bit more. It's good to see him doing this because otherwise, well, their just seems to be no point to this whole situation. And he does recognise that I do most of the parenting around here, he said as much the other day.
So, he's getting more involved in controlling our son's behaviour, which can be a challenge at the best of times - so he wasn't feeling great when I brought up the subject of our daughter looking like she's going to need her own room, which was a follow on from the "they are now taking separate showers" conversation.
2 sentences into that conversation, the baggage comes out and he starts telling me how 'extreme' I am and I guess it seemed that way - first we're talking showers, then complete bedroom overhauls, but what is really upsetting is how soon he makes this assumption. I had no chance to give him context, no chance to explain. So we both got shitty until after I'd put the kids to bed (he ended up walking out, no screaming or cross words, we just stopped talking because we knew where we were headed), then I just HAD to talk it out, or risk a meltdown.
We talked about it, I told him what I thought, he told me and we agreed that maybe today wasn't a good day to bring it up given the effect our son's behaviour has on him. So it was all settled amicably and a crisis was averted.
Which is a very good thing, because on Thursday, we have to go to KL and back to renew my daughter's passport - that's 6 hours in the car together - so we need to be on some sort of level of civility.
Wish me luck. I HAVE to get everything right on this day. Check, check and double check because mistakes made will be expensive.
On another completely unrelated topic, I looked at this pic today on the front of the Age, online and thought it was Martina Navratilova visiting the foot. Apparently it's some footballer or coach - I don't follow football at all - now tell me how smart you think I am!! Ha!
Hugs.
This time though, instead of calling me back, ex gave me 350 Ringgit and said take your time!! I was pleasantly surprised when I didn't get a message asking me to come back - so it doesn't happen every time.
So there we were my friend and I, hidden away in a late night (and very busy) coffee shop, chatting and whinging about what else, men. She was telling me about her husband and how he feels the need to show her how to do everything and how she can't stand it and it makes her feel so stupid and he wants her to do it his way... starting to sound familiar. I swear, if I didn't know any better, I'd have thought that I was listening to myself.
So I've come to the conclusion that we (ex and I) are way more normal than we think we are and that a lot of other couples have exactly the same issues and have the same reactions as we do. That and the things that you nice people have been telling me for the past 18 months proves to me that I DO NOT have Borderline Personality Disorder and that he IS NOT abnormally controlling or pedantic. We are just normal people trying to do what many other normal people are doing.
Fast forward one day and ex is having a hard day with our son. Ex has decided that just being here for the kids is not good enough and so he's endeavouring to get more involved in the day to day stuff such as:
~ doing the dishes every day - I rarely do dishes now, because of my poor sensitive hands (which are finally on the mend thanks to a super steroid cream my sis in law gave me)
~ spending more time with kids, getting them to help around the house
~ offering to do more things like take the kids to school, visit his mum more and generally be more involved with day to day life.
I'm guessing now that I'm more stable, he feels he can join in a bit more. It's good to see him doing this because otherwise, well, their just seems to be no point to this whole situation. And he does recognise that I do most of the parenting around here, he said as much the other day.
So, he's getting more involved in controlling our son's behaviour, which can be a challenge at the best of times - so he wasn't feeling great when I brought up the subject of our daughter looking like she's going to need her own room, which was a follow on from the "they are now taking separate showers" conversation.
2 sentences into that conversation, the baggage comes out and he starts telling me how 'extreme' I am and I guess it seemed that way - first we're talking showers, then complete bedroom overhauls, but what is really upsetting is how soon he makes this assumption. I had no chance to give him context, no chance to explain. So we both got shitty until after I'd put the kids to bed (he ended up walking out, no screaming or cross words, we just stopped talking because we knew where we were headed), then I just HAD to talk it out, or risk a meltdown.
We talked about it, I told him what I thought, he told me and we agreed that maybe today wasn't a good day to bring it up given the effect our son's behaviour has on him. So it was all settled amicably and a crisis was averted.
Which is a very good thing, because on Thursday, we have to go to KL and back to renew my daughter's passport - that's 6 hours in the car together - so we need to be on some sort of level of civility.
Wish me luck. I HAVE to get everything right on this day. Check, check and double check because mistakes made will be expensive.
On another completely unrelated topic, I looked at this pic today on the front of the Age, online and thought it was Martina Navratilova visiting the foot. Apparently it's some footballer or coach - I don't follow football at all - now tell me how smart you think I am!! Ha!
Hugs.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Weekly update
It's been a pretty good week, though I'm feeling oh-so-tired. I think it's the hot weather. It's so damn hot. It's probably about 36 here and it doesn't cool down much at night - only to about 28.
Everyone's hot and grumpy, so I'm trying to just take things as they come. A few kids canceled this week, I had a new kid start and I spent quite a bit of time at the autistic centre. I do enjoy going there, only it's so hot because they only have one little aircon which is not nearly enough. The teachers are really nice and quite good with the kids. My favourite kid there is a boy called Brandon. He's the son of Kim and Wilson, my friends here. Whenever I go there, he tries to come and sit on my lap and I have to push him away because 'it's not appropriate school behaviour." But I adore him, he's a really sweet kid.
So, this week I went out for supper twice and ex messaged me to come back before I was ready - twice!!! I've already ranted about the Monday night one but it happened again on Thursday night - apparently ex had to go and pick up a friend who'd gotten way too drunk, but should that be my problem? I think not. Still, I find it hard to say no to him. Maybe one day, but for now, I'd rather not rock the boat by complaining too much - or at all!
While I was out this week, I met another Australian who is originally from Melbourne. She's been living here for about 21 years and I actually knew about her ages ago and met up with her and her husband about 3 years back, when we first moved here. Back then, she was very busy with her 5 kids and I was busy settling in and so on and so on and I didn't really feel comfortable contacting her. And her husband creeps me out. He's a real red flag. He's probably harmless enough, but as ex warned me, he'll ask you anything and tell everyone everything. When we met 3 years ago, he asked me about my family and I innocently told him I had a younger brother and sister and then without warning, he proceeded to write it all down on his laptop - then showed me as if to say "See, look what I've got on you". Apparently he does this for everyone he meets and of course, he's the town gossip.
Sooo, now that her kids have grown up and she's not so busy, I've promised to contact her. She doesn't look Australian because she's originally from Sri Lanka, but her accent is unmistakable and I love it. Her family migrated to Australia in the 60's and ended up in the same migrant hostel as my parents did when they came over from Holland. Amazingly, she grew up in Deer Park which is 20 minutes from where we live now (and have lived for a long time).
Small world eh?
So anyway, it's been a good week, more of the same really. We found out this week that in October and November, Jilian will need to attend school 5 and a half days a week because they are having compulsory tuition sessions in English and Malay on a Saturday morning. I don't want her to have to go because then she'll miss my English class but she's too scared to miss it, so she'll go. On the other hand, they're having so many school holidays this term it's getting ridiculous. They've just come back from a week's school holiday and the week after next they get another week for Hari Raya which is the Malay New Year.
And for the first time, I've been invited to someone's open house during Hari Raya (Malay New Year). On the 20th, Ramadan finishes and the Malays invite the friends and family around to eat and what have you. The lovely teachers at the autistic centre (they're sisters) have invited me and the children to visit them on the first day of their New Year. I've said we'll come because I'm actually really curious about how they live and they've been so nice to me that I didn't want to turn down their invitation. I did decline on ex's behalf though, saying I think he had something on that day. I'd rather he didn't mix with the people in my life, just as I don't like him to bring his friends into my life either by inviting them home or meeting up with them.
I've found that the less I know about ex's life, the better I cope and though I was intensely curious before, I find that curiosity now fading. Which is a good thing, because I really don't cope that well when I know stuff about his life beyond the four walls of this house. I've been quietly training my mind not to care about what he does and stopping myself when I start thinking about what he may or may not be doing. Sometimes I find that I can't sleep when he's out and I end up staying awake most of the night because he comes in so late, but if I think that's going to happen, I take xanax. I can tell when he gets home because he clangs the gate and if I'm asleep, I wake up. There's also the telltale lounge room light that I can see from under my door, which I have to leave on for him.
On another note, I've been reading about eccentric kids. Eccentric is good and needs to be embraced. My son is a little eccentric and obsessive. Currently, he's obsessed with the Wiggles (and has been since he was 3) and his collection of guitars. His guitar collection comprises of 1 classic guitar, 1 plastic electric guitar with one wire string left, 1 Wiggles guitar and no less than 6 paper guitars that he's made himself to fit in with all the Wiggles songs. So we've got guitars here coming out of our ears. I'm always picking them up or sitting on them or trying to put them away. I'm sure they've multiplied themselves. So, while I'd like to embrace them, they drive me crazy. He especially loves his acoustic guitar which he's proceeding to teach himself to play. Given that he's had no lessons, he's doing OK and can play a few simple tunes using one or two strings. Time to swap his keyboard lessons for guitar lessons, I think. But I am getting better at embracing his sometimes unusual behaviour.
Ahhh, we love our kids, but they do test us don't they? It's time to sleep and not think about where ex might be, not that I should care, but I'm kidding myself if I say that I don't care at all. Yesterday the kids were all over him saying "hugs for Papa" and so I thought I'd tease him a little and do the same and offer him a hug - the look on his face was priceless because he doesn't know whether he should 'proceed' and give me a hug or not - I let him off the hook this time and pulled away just before we made contact. Ha! I'm sure he thinks I'll melt down if he turns me down. I won't, but I'm not telling him that. And anyway, hugging him these days is about as much fun as hugging a cat's scratching post - oh so rough and awkward. No thanks.
Never thought I'd be thinking that, never.
Night.
Everyone's hot and grumpy, so I'm trying to just take things as they come. A few kids canceled this week, I had a new kid start and I spent quite a bit of time at the autistic centre. I do enjoy going there, only it's so hot because they only have one little aircon which is not nearly enough. The teachers are really nice and quite good with the kids. My favourite kid there is a boy called Brandon. He's the son of Kim and Wilson, my friends here. Whenever I go there, he tries to come and sit on my lap and I have to push him away because 'it's not appropriate school behaviour." But I adore him, he's a really sweet kid.
So, this week I went out for supper twice and ex messaged me to come back before I was ready - twice!!! I've already ranted about the Monday night one but it happened again on Thursday night - apparently ex had to go and pick up a friend who'd gotten way too drunk, but should that be my problem? I think not. Still, I find it hard to say no to him. Maybe one day, but for now, I'd rather not rock the boat by complaining too much - or at all!
While I was out this week, I met another Australian who is originally from Melbourne. She's been living here for about 21 years and I actually knew about her ages ago and met up with her and her husband about 3 years back, when we first moved here. Back then, she was very busy with her 5 kids and I was busy settling in and so on and so on and I didn't really feel comfortable contacting her. And her husband creeps me out. He's a real red flag. He's probably harmless enough, but as ex warned me, he'll ask you anything and tell everyone everything. When we met 3 years ago, he asked me about my family and I innocently told him I had a younger brother and sister and then without warning, he proceeded to write it all down on his laptop - then showed me as if to say "See, look what I've got on you". Apparently he does this for everyone he meets and of course, he's the town gossip.
Sooo, now that her kids have grown up and she's not so busy, I've promised to contact her. She doesn't look Australian because she's originally from Sri Lanka, but her accent is unmistakable and I love it. Her family migrated to Australia in the 60's and ended up in the same migrant hostel as my parents did when they came over from Holland. Amazingly, she grew up in Deer Park which is 20 minutes from where we live now (and have lived for a long time).
Small world eh?
So anyway, it's been a good week, more of the same really. We found out this week that in October and November, Jilian will need to attend school 5 and a half days a week because they are having compulsory tuition sessions in English and Malay on a Saturday morning. I don't want her to have to go because then she'll miss my English class but she's too scared to miss it, so she'll go. On the other hand, they're having so many school holidays this term it's getting ridiculous. They've just come back from a week's school holiday and the week after next they get another week for Hari Raya which is the Malay New Year.
And for the first time, I've been invited to someone's open house during Hari Raya (Malay New Year). On the 20th, Ramadan finishes and the Malays invite the friends and family around to eat and what have you. The lovely teachers at the autistic centre (they're sisters) have invited me and the children to visit them on the first day of their New Year. I've said we'll come because I'm actually really curious about how they live and they've been so nice to me that I didn't want to turn down their invitation. I did decline on ex's behalf though, saying I think he had something on that day. I'd rather he didn't mix with the people in my life, just as I don't like him to bring his friends into my life either by inviting them home or meeting up with them.
I've found that the less I know about ex's life, the better I cope and though I was intensely curious before, I find that curiosity now fading. Which is a good thing, because I really don't cope that well when I know stuff about his life beyond the four walls of this house. I've been quietly training my mind not to care about what he does and stopping myself when I start thinking about what he may or may not be doing. Sometimes I find that I can't sleep when he's out and I end up staying awake most of the night because he comes in so late, but if I think that's going to happen, I take xanax. I can tell when he gets home because he clangs the gate and if I'm asleep, I wake up. There's also the telltale lounge room light that I can see from under my door, which I have to leave on for him.
On another note, I've been reading about eccentric kids. Eccentric is good and needs to be embraced. My son is a little eccentric and obsessive. Currently, he's obsessed with the Wiggles (and has been since he was 3) and his collection of guitars. His guitar collection comprises of 1 classic guitar, 1 plastic electric guitar with one wire string left, 1 Wiggles guitar and no less than 6 paper guitars that he's made himself to fit in with all the Wiggles songs. So we've got guitars here coming out of our ears. I'm always picking them up or sitting on them or trying to put them away. I'm sure they've multiplied themselves. So, while I'd like to embrace them, they drive me crazy. He especially loves his acoustic guitar which he's proceeding to teach himself to play. Given that he's had no lessons, he's doing OK and can play a few simple tunes using one or two strings. Time to swap his keyboard lessons for guitar lessons, I think. But I am getting better at embracing his sometimes unusual behaviour.
Ahhh, we love our kids, but they do test us don't they? It's time to sleep and not think about where ex might be, not that I should care, but I'm kidding myself if I say that I don't care at all. Yesterday the kids were all over him saying "hugs for Papa" and so I thought I'd tease him a little and do the same and offer him a hug - the look on his face was priceless because he doesn't know whether he should 'proceed' and give me a hug or not - I let him off the hook this time and pulled away just before we made contact. Ha! I'm sure he thinks I'll melt down if he turns me down. I won't, but I'm not telling him that. And anyway, hugging him these days is about as much fun as hugging a cat's scratching post - oh so rough and awkward. No thanks.
Never thought I'd be thinking that, never.
Night.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Ji Lian and me
Jilian is my daughter, big brown eyes, lovely thick brown hair and coffee-coloured skin, she is bright, funny and has been older than her years since the day she was born.
As mother and daughter, we are close, but sometimes the boundaries are blurred and we are more like friends - such as when we are reading together or doing some other activity that we both enjoy. I love her to pieces, of course, and hope that one day as adults, we will be as close as we are now.
There's a chance that we won't be close, because of who I am and who she is. She is like her father in so many ways and yet like me in so many others. Lately, she's been provoking me, pushing my buttons, like kids do to their parents. Put bluntly, she's been annoying the hell out of me. When I ask her about what she's doing, she acts all innocent as if she doesn't know, and then in the next breath, she'll do it again - to spite or prod for a bigger reaction.
I don't know that she's aware of what she's doing. Probably not. There's a good chance there's an underlying issue that's being acted out. She often says that something's bothering her but doesn't want to say what it is. I often wonder if there is something that I'm doing that is making her hold back from telling me about it.
I spoke to ex about it, because I wasn't reacting well and he could see it. My face is an open book and when I'm not happy about something, it shows. I can't hide it like he can, a point of contention that often comes up between us. He thinks I should be able to, but somehow this little social skill eludes me. But I digress.
We talked about her and how she does prod and provoke, til she gets a reaction. His advice was good - react differently than she would expect. It happens to him too and he hs to hold himself back from getting angry at her. Normally I ignore her, warn her, warn her again and then out of seemingly nowhere, explode. She cries, I feel guilty and then we talk about it and I try to make it better. It nearly always ends up OK, where we both feel better, but I wonder if this 'process' that we go through is damaging. When she did it again, I took her calmly to my room, pointed out her behaviour, asked her if there was something bothering her (no) and then told her there would be consequences whenever she did it to me or someone else. I drew the line and made it know that I expected her to follow it - just like the other countless boundaries that her brother has to follow.
Another issue here is whether she sees that I'm pandering to her to make her feel better (by getting angry at her and then trying to patch it up) and therefore underlying the 'authority' figure that kids need - the one that sets the boundaries, so that later on she'll have no respect for me or the boundaries that I place on her. That wouldn't be good, not in anyone's books.
I think this is the hardest part of being a parent - knowing where that line is and enforcing it. Kids need their parents to set boundaries, but they also need a soft place to fall. I'm afraid for now that the line will have to stay blurred, because I have figured out it's position yet.
I can't help thinking too that the underlying situation here is contributing to her unease. I know she thinks about it because sometimes she'll bring it up. I usually just try to keep it light, teach her about being grateful for what we have now and look at all the good things about 'now', without making it seem like I'm brushing off her concerns.
For the time being, I guess I'll just muddle through like millions of other mothers who strive to be great mothers, but often see themselves as falling way short. People would look at me and think I'm a good mother. Ex's aunty, the one we stayed with in KL, even said "we think you are a fantastic mother" - I think I'm OK, but I also know that my issues with emotional control and self esteem will come back to bite me in my relationship with my kids.
But that's life I guess. I'll take whatever happens and 'have the experience because I need to have it' - and, fortunately or unfortunately, so will my kids!!! :)
As mother and daughter, we are close, but sometimes the boundaries are blurred and we are more like friends - such as when we are reading together or doing some other activity that we both enjoy. I love her to pieces, of course, and hope that one day as adults, we will be as close as we are now.
There's a chance that we won't be close, because of who I am and who she is. She is like her father in so many ways and yet like me in so many others. Lately, she's been provoking me, pushing my buttons, like kids do to their parents. Put bluntly, she's been annoying the hell out of me. When I ask her about what she's doing, she acts all innocent as if she doesn't know, and then in the next breath, she'll do it again - to spite or prod for a bigger reaction.
I don't know that she's aware of what she's doing. Probably not. There's a good chance there's an underlying issue that's being acted out. She often says that something's bothering her but doesn't want to say what it is. I often wonder if there is something that I'm doing that is making her hold back from telling me about it.
I spoke to ex about it, because I wasn't reacting well and he could see it. My face is an open book and when I'm not happy about something, it shows. I can't hide it like he can, a point of contention that often comes up between us. He thinks I should be able to, but somehow this little social skill eludes me. But I digress.
We talked about her and how she does prod and provoke, til she gets a reaction. His advice was good - react differently than she would expect. It happens to him too and he hs to hold himself back from getting angry at her. Normally I ignore her, warn her, warn her again and then out of seemingly nowhere, explode. She cries, I feel guilty and then we talk about it and I try to make it better. It nearly always ends up OK, where we both feel better, but I wonder if this 'process' that we go through is damaging. When she did it again, I took her calmly to my room, pointed out her behaviour, asked her if there was something bothering her (no) and then told her there would be consequences whenever she did it to me or someone else. I drew the line and made it know that I expected her to follow it - just like the other countless boundaries that her brother has to follow.
Another issue here is whether she sees that I'm pandering to her to make her feel better (by getting angry at her and then trying to patch it up) and therefore underlying the 'authority' figure that kids need - the one that sets the boundaries, so that later on she'll have no respect for me or the boundaries that I place on her. That wouldn't be good, not in anyone's books.
I think this is the hardest part of being a parent - knowing where that line is and enforcing it. Kids need their parents to set boundaries, but they also need a soft place to fall. I'm afraid for now that the line will have to stay blurred, because I have figured out it's position yet.
I can't help thinking too that the underlying situation here is contributing to her unease. I know she thinks about it because sometimes she'll bring it up. I usually just try to keep it light, teach her about being grateful for what we have now and look at all the good things about 'now', without making it seem like I'm brushing off her concerns.
For the time being, I guess I'll just muddle through like millions of other mothers who strive to be great mothers, but often see themselves as falling way short. People would look at me and think I'm a good mother. Ex's aunty, the one we stayed with in KL, even said "we think you are a fantastic mother" - I think I'm OK, but I also know that my issues with emotional control and self esteem will come back to bite me in my relationship with my kids.
But that's life I guess. I'll take whatever happens and 'have the experience because I need to have it' - and, fortunately or unfortunately, so will my kids!!! :)
Monday, September 7, 2009
Another week gone...
and it's been pretty good.
Firstly, I cooked something other than chicken for dinner. Sometimes it seems like we eat chicken all the time in some form or other because it's plentiful and fresh and cheap. Two nights ago, we ate fish that I'd bought AND I CLEANED IT MYSELF. It was pomfret, 4 medium sized fish that needed cleaning. I usually get the supermarket people to do it for me, but I'd bought it in a different supermarket where they don't offer that service. I was so desparate to cook something other than chicken, I decided I would clean it myself. I grew up watching my dad clean fish, so it shouldn't worry me and I kinda knew what to do, but that was a long time ago and now I find it much to squishy for my liking. But I did it anyway and was proud of myself and it was a good meal.
I also got over a potential meltdown and have managed to stay evenly keeled this week. I don't go out much and when I do, I enjoy every minute of it. I usually go out at night and leave ex to mind the kids. So I'd organised to go see my friends when I get an sms from ex asking me when I'll be back. I don't know, I replied, I'm in the middle of something (a very good conversation about something I can't remember now). I thought that would be enough to tell him "I'll come back when I'm good and ready" but then he asked for a time and said that he wanted to go for supper with a friend. And of course I felt like I had to go back earlier than I wanted to.
And this is what I felt like yelling at him when I got home: PICK YOUR NIGHT!! WHY DO YOU NEED TO GO OUT ON THE ONLY NIGHT I GO OUT!! WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO COME BACK JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY SO AND YOU WANT TO GO OUT! IF I EVER DID THAT TO YOU, YOU'D BE FURIOUS AND YOU WOULDN'T COME BACK ANYWAY, SO STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE AND DO YOUR BIT MINDING THE KIDS WHILE I GET A BIT OF A SOCIAL LIFE. AND DIDN'T YOU JUST GO OUT LAST NIGHT AND TWO NIGHTS AGO AND GET HOME AT 3 OR 4 IN THE MORNING. MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE MESSAGED YOU THEN TO ASK YOU WHEN YOU WERE COMING BACK BLAH, BLAH....
He's done this before when I've been out, not often, but enough for it to be annoying - and he doesn't see how or why it would upset me. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he did! Clueless. Now I know I'm just whinging about him, but you know, it's been on my mind a bit and I gotta let it out somewhere.
I didn't say anything about it to him, though I wanted to so badly. I came home half an hour earlier than I was planning and just left it at that. After this, the next few days I tried to avoid him a little more because if I don't the 'things that he does' (like the things that we all do that annoy other people) annoy me to high heaven and I end up exploding and melting down.
To get over it (and it seems so minor now) I had to meditate (sit and breathe) until the horrible feelings passed and whenever I felt them coming up again, I'd do it again. I think I took xanax once too, just to give me a good nights sleep so as to lessen the grumpiness factor, lest I blow up because I was tired (not sleeping well these days either, vivid dreams and all that). And I also wake up every time ex comes home from his nights out so I thought I better take it so I wouldn't wake up at 4 in the morning listening to him clanging the gate. So I tried to take away all the factors that I had control over that I thought would contribute to a meltdown.
It seems to have worked to my benefit, not only because I didn't melt down, which is huge for me anyway, but after that, ex was a little nicer to me than usual - more friendly. Perhaps because he saw what he did and saw me take it in my stride or... perhaps not, maybe he was just in a better mood because he'd solved some problem with his work or some shit like that.
On a deeper level, I've noticed a shift in my consciousness towards him. I don't dwell on the 'things he does' - like telling me at the last minute he has to go out of town for the day and I'm left without a car or the supper thing. Today he got all motivated to do stuff around the house and even though I thought it was a good idea for him, I didn't think it was good for me - I wanted to relax because I do all these things during the week and today I had a massive hormone headache, which will only subside tomorrow night. But I tried to join him his mood and I swept and mopped and made an effort with the ironing. And when he told the kids "we all have to do better" and I wanted to say to him that his kids will grow up thinking they're never good enough, I let it go because maybe I'm wrong and they won't and he's just trying to help them see that they can always strive for more - even though they're only 7 and 9.
But with the shift in my mind has come more peace (for me) and (to him) indifference. One of my goals here is to deal with whatever he does as best I can because it's not like a normal separation where I can just shut him out of my life. He's right here, leading his own life, completely (and coldly) separated from me in any personal way and I need to do the same. I think this is harder for women. We are so emotional. Men just pull away and move onto the next woman so easily - that's what it looks like anyway and this is not just from my experience. It's like they can turn off a switch and then, hey presto, turn their affections to someone else. Ouch!
So at the end of the first week of September, I can say it's been pretty good. In between all the usual stuff, I managed to cram in reading a novel, a rare pleasure in my life. The Time-Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. It was really good, I loved it. I thought the time travel stuff would confuse me (as it tends to do) but once I got the hang of what was going on, I was fine and enjoyed it thoroughly.
Oh and on a completely different topic... I had my son's eyes checked this week, as a matter of course and the optometrist showed me my son's eyes through the camera and asked if I could see anything out of the ordinary. I looked and looked and then noticed - his pupils, in normal light, are huge! They're twice as big as a normal eye. I hadn't noticed this because his eyes are dark brown and you can't see them, but there it was. Huge pupils. This might explain why he plays in the dark, telling me he can see when I tell him to turn the light on. It's not a really big deal, just one of those quirky things that I can add to his ever growing list of quirky things. And he'll need glasses early next year. Oh well.
Another late night. Another week gone.
Cheers.
Firstly, I cooked something other than chicken for dinner. Sometimes it seems like we eat chicken all the time in some form or other because it's plentiful and fresh and cheap. Two nights ago, we ate fish that I'd bought AND I CLEANED IT MYSELF. It was pomfret, 4 medium sized fish that needed cleaning. I usually get the supermarket people to do it for me, but I'd bought it in a different supermarket where they don't offer that service. I was so desparate to cook something other than chicken, I decided I would clean it myself. I grew up watching my dad clean fish, so it shouldn't worry me and I kinda knew what to do, but that was a long time ago and now I find it much to squishy for my liking. But I did it anyway and was proud of myself and it was a good meal.
I also got over a potential meltdown and have managed to stay evenly keeled this week. I don't go out much and when I do, I enjoy every minute of it. I usually go out at night and leave ex to mind the kids. So I'd organised to go see my friends when I get an sms from ex asking me when I'll be back. I don't know, I replied, I'm in the middle of something (a very good conversation about something I can't remember now). I thought that would be enough to tell him "I'll come back when I'm good and ready" but then he asked for a time and said that he wanted to go for supper with a friend. And of course I felt like I had to go back earlier than I wanted to.
And this is what I felt like yelling at him when I got home: PICK YOUR NIGHT!! WHY DO YOU NEED TO GO OUT ON THE ONLY NIGHT I GO OUT!! WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO COME BACK JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY SO AND YOU WANT TO GO OUT! IF I EVER DID THAT TO YOU, YOU'D BE FURIOUS AND YOU WOULDN'T COME BACK ANYWAY, SO STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE AND DO YOUR BIT MINDING THE KIDS WHILE I GET A BIT OF A SOCIAL LIFE. AND DIDN'T YOU JUST GO OUT LAST NIGHT AND TWO NIGHTS AGO AND GET HOME AT 3 OR 4 IN THE MORNING. MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE MESSAGED YOU THEN TO ASK YOU WHEN YOU WERE COMING BACK BLAH, BLAH....
He's done this before when I've been out, not often, but enough for it to be annoying - and he doesn't see how or why it would upset me. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he did! Clueless. Now I know I'm just whinging about him, but you know, it's been on my mind a bit and I gotta let it out somewhere.
I didn't say anything about it to him, though I wanted to so badly. I came home half an hour earlier than I was planning and just left it at that. After this, the next few days I tried to avoid him a little more because if I don't the 'things that he does' (like the things that we all do that annoy other people) annoy me to high heaven and I end up exploding and melting down.
To get over it (and it seems so minor now) I had to meditate (sit and breathe) until the horrible feelings passed and whenever I felt them coming up again, I'd do it again. I think I took xanax once too, just to give me a good nights sleep so as to lessen the grumpiness factor, lest I blow up because I was tired (not sleeping well these days either, vivid dreams and all that). And I also wake up every time ex comes home from his nights out so I thought I better take it so I wouldn't wake up at 4 in the morning listening to him clanging the gate. So I tried to take away all the factors that I had control over that I thought would contribute to a meltdown.
It seems to have worked to my benefit, not only because I didn't melt down, which is huge for me anyway, but after that, ex was a little nicer to me than usual - more friendly. Perhaps because he saw what he did and saw me take it in my stride or... perhaps not, maybe he was just in a better mood because he'd solved some problem with his work or some shit like that.
On a deeper level, I've noticed a shift in my consciousness towards him. I don't dwell on the 'things he does' - like telling me at the last minute he has to go out of town for the day and I'm left without a car or the supper thing. Today he got all motivated to do stuff around the house and even though I thought it was a good idea for him, I didn't think it was good for me - I wanted to relax because I do all these things during the week and today I had a massive hormone headache, which will only subside tomorrow night. But I tried to join him his mood and I swept and mopped and made an effort with the ironing. And when he told the kids "we all have to do better" and I wanted to say to him that his kids will grow up thinking they're never good enough, I let it go because maybe I'm wrong and they won't and he's just trying to help them see that they can always strive for more - even though they're only 7 and 9.
But with the shift in my mind has come more peace (for me) and (to him) indifference. One of my goals here is to deal with whatever he does as best I can because it's not like a normal separation where I can just shut him out of my life. He's right here, leading his own life, completely (and coldly) separated from me in any personal way and I need to do the same. I think this is harder for women. We are so emotional. Men just pull away and move onto the next woman so easily - that's what it looks like anyway and this is not just from my experience. It's like they can turn off a switch and then, hey presto, turn their affections to someone else. Ouch!
So at the end of the first week of September, I can say it's been pretty good. In between all the usual stuff, I managed to cram in reading a novel, a rare pleasure in my life. The Time-Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. It was really good, I loved it. I thought the time travel stuff would confuse me (as it tends to do) but once I got the hang of what was going on, I was fine and enjoyed it thoroughly.
Oh and on a completely different topic... I had my son's eyes checked this week, as a matter of course and the optometrist showed me my son's eyes through the camera and asked if I could see anything out of the ordinary. I looked and looked and then noticed - his pupils, in normal light, are huge! They're twice as big as a normal eye. I hadn't noticed this because his eyes are dark brown and you can't see them, but there it was. Huge pupils. This might explain why he plays in the dark, telling me he can see when I tell him to turn the light on. It's not a really big deal, just one of those quirky things that I can add to his ever growing list of quirky things. And he'll need glasses early next year. Oh well.
Another late night. Another week gone.
Cheers.
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