He's happy and I'm not so sure

It's so strange to see ex so happy... well he looks it anyway. His light, airy mood, his patience with the kids, his energy and upbeat take on life at the moment, it all just seems a bit surreal. Of course, it could be just that we've got back and he's missed them.

I'm finding it unsettling. I couldn't figure it out until it dawned on me, like a huge smack in the head. He's nice. I'm finding him nice to be around, and even though his attention is not on me directly he's saying nice things about me. Things that make me go "Huh... are you talking to me?" and "he's never said that before" and "oh...thanks". And I like it.

So much so that it makes me think "If only we could get back together..." and wish we could be a whole family so that I don't have to lie to my son when he asks me why papa doesn't kiss his mummy like other mummy's and papa's do. He's starting to notice the differences between us and other couples who are together and while I'd like to sit down and tell him why, I'm not sure that it's a good idea just now.

Ugghh... as I write this, I know how ridiculous this all sounds. But he's being nice. And he's being great with the kids. Instead of getting all impatient with them when he helps them with their homework, he patiently translates words for them and helps them find the right answers. He sits with them and plays on their terms, while teaching them the finer points of designing lego or getting along with each other.

With me, he is easy-going, telling me not to explain myself to him, telling me to do stuff when I'm ready. Before we left, he told me - don't bother cleaning up, it's OK, I won't get pissed off - almost like he was telling me he's changed now. Just today it was "it's OK, I'll wait for you guys and we'll go when you're ready" in a light, airy voice. It used to sound condescending but now he sounds genuine. I'm just not used to hearing that from him which is why it's making such a big impression.

I like it but at the same time, him being nice makes the whole "moving back to Melbourne" a lot harder because we will not be glad to see the back of him. The kids will be more heart broken because their father loves them very much and shows it and they love him back.

What makes it harder is that this is the Jin I've always wanted. This is the Jin that I knew was always there, hidden under the anxiety and need for control (though he still may never admit that). Perhaps what I'm seeing now is only superficial stuff, fluff made of fantasies that involve whole families and happy, loving parents. Probably. But maybe not.

He's changed, I've changed and it does make me wonder. And, yes, I'm fully aware that this is dangerous territory to be lurking around in.

Sigh!

And don't worry really. Ex will come along and do something that will bug the shit out of me and the thoughts will stop dead in their tracks.

He just gets better...

Just perfect ... OMG!

Just tonight I was feeling pretty lonely. The kids and ex had gone to bed and I'd fallen asleep on the couch for about the 5th time today. when I got to my computer I thought I'll just browse around and came upon this, a song from Adam's acoustic album. And now I'm happy again. I just love it.

Sigh.

And we're back

So, here we are. Though the holiday went like a flash, it was long enough to get used to doing things a different way and so now that I'm back here, I need to relearn things I knew before. It's unsettling, but I know it's normal. Driving is a good example of this. The car is different and while the road rules are technically the same, the driver interpretation of them is not. People run red lights here, overtake on the left, cut across the lane to turn right and speed like nobody's business. In Australia, I'm usually watching myself, just to make sure I don't get booked. Here, I need to watch other people so I don't get wiped off the road.

Our first day back was a total write off. We were so tired from the 13 hours of travelling - 10 hours in the air or in airports and 3 on the road driving back from singapore to malaysia. I had a thumping headache when i got back which didn't ease until tonight, despite painkillers and a dose of xanax to help me sleep. As I write this, we are still a little jet-lagged. You wouldn't think a mere three hours time difference would make an impact, but it does. This year we felt it more keenly than last year, perhaps because we travelled during the day or maybe I'm just getting older.

Ex is happy to have the kids back. People (my MIL and best friend) keep asking me if ex is happy to have me back. I don't know why it's important to them - perhaps they're just hoping because I know they both want me to stay here. I said I didn't know and I don't - and I don't really care - I can't care because then that just sends me back to a place that I never want to be in again. So, it doesn't matter if he's pleased to see me, I'm back and that's all it is.

It's like people are waiting for him to see me in the same way that they see me - nice, competent mum who loves her family and would do anything for them, including staying here, but they don't understand that he won't ever see me that way because of our history. His perception of me will never change and that's just the way it is. I've accepted that (I think). I don't like it, but I can't do anything about it. So I do what I can do - just be me and that will have to be good enough.

In the meantime, I have unpacked, the weather is nice and coolish and yes, still humid. We are enjoying the food we get so sick of at the end of the year and tonight we will go out for dinner as a family and then perhaps drop in to see the cousins. I had a nice afternoon with my MIL and we talked at length about people and what we can learn from others, cultural differences and families. Last night I caught up with my best friend and we had teh tarik over two hours of chatting and catching up. It was good to see her again and she kept on telling me how much she missed me - sweet.

Tomorrow I'll have to get my arse into gear and start getting the kids ready for school and start convincing them that it's going to be OK. That no matter what, everything will be OK. And while I'm at it, I might as well start to convince myself of it as well.

Not here too...?

Over at Some Mother's do Ave 'Em, my new bloggie friend is achingly close to moving back to her home country after 10 years of living in Chicago. Moving back home is something I don't want to even comprehend for myself at this moment because of the feelings that are churning around inside my head. What am I going to tell the kids? What if they don't want to come? What if one wants to and one doesn't? What if, when I get back, I'm just the same emotional mess in a different country? So many what if's....

And here's something that took me by surprise...I'm homesick... for Malaysia. I miss my space, my computer, my friends. Normal? Yes, of course. I keep referring to Malaysia as home because it is and has been my home for the last 5 years. If it weren't for the difficult situation that's occurred between myself and ex, I would be happy there, I think. But there's always if's isn't there, and we never really know. I'm just missing my own space and my computer dammit!

At the same time, my time in Melbourne is rapidly coming to a close and I want it to go on longer. I've enjoyed my time here but it's been tough too. Tough seeing mum in so much pain all the time. If it's not her back, then it's her arthritis or a possible case of bursitis or something like that. I'm trying to hang around and help her as well as give the kids a good time but I'm finding it hard to do both - and all I really want is some time to myself without feeling guilty. And then there's dad with his tiredness and unwillingness to do anything about it. Even the town we live in has a depressing feel to it, but then again it could be me casting my own dark views all over the place.

I don't feel like I would fit in terribly well here. I don't have a tattoo for a start, although my sister assures me that a phone call to the local 'tatt parlour' will have that fixed in a jiff! When I look around, it seems like every second person has a new tattoo engraved into their skin!

But more than that, the '10ft tall' feeling I had a few years back is no longer there. It's been hard being back this time which is something I didn't expect. Watching mum push herself to the brink of pain every time just makes me ache too and yet, I should find it inspiring because she IS pushing herself so that she gets better. But sometimes she does too much and she overdoes it and it ends up hurting her even more. It's hard to watch that and so tonight I am at Mr S's place, having some time to myself so I don't have to watch it and yes I do feel guilty.

I can feel the fractures in my family like they exist in my own physical being. Deep cracks, threatening to explode should someone say the wrong thing about someone or something. I don't like it but I don't know how to fix it either. My sister said once that I could have probably fixed what happened between her and my brother but now I'm not so sure. I mean, who am I, really? I'm just another person with bullshit going on, who immerses herself in an online world when the going gets tough. But oh, how I would love to sit them all down and talk them through this horrible thing that is keeping us all on eggshells.

And the people are scary here. Well, the strangers are anyway. Tatts, scraggly hair, sad faces and they just seem angry, like if you were to cross their path, there'd be no hesitation about beating you up. The 'walking on egg shells' at mum's place hasn't helped this feeling either and I'm beginning to get the same 'dark clouds' going on in my head that I have with ex when I can't say anything about a situation I don't like. Still, it's not my house, nor my place I don't think, to say anything, so I'll take xanax to shut my mind up while I'm here. Mind you, if someone asks me to say something, I just might.

Sheesh, some people are never happy... (that's me talking about me) - the irony being that in the place I am supposed to be happy, I am very obviously not.

But really, at the crux of it all, I think I'm just unsettled and sick of everything being so temporary. I'm not settled there in Malaysia, but nor can I be here. I really think it's just time I came home, rented a house, got a job, gave the kids their own bedroom and enrolled them in a school I was happy with. Oh yes, and a man wouldn't be a bad idea either.

In the meantime, I will try again to be grateful for what I've got and the lovely friends I have - great to see you today Melba!

One week in

We've been here just on a week and have settled in quite comfortably. I've tried to get and keep the kids outdoors with bike riding, swimming at my lovely sister's house, walking and playing wiht the dog and some gardening. It's been good.

I tend not to need to hover over their every move here. They can go out the front or the back of the house and play and I don't worry about them. It's just a different feel. I'm not saying it safer here than anywhere and they're not allowed to go to the park by themselves or anything like that, it's just a little different. We feel better here or that's how it seems.

On Saturday my lovely friend took us out on her husband's boat. She must love me a lot because she doesn't go out on that thing for anyone. I, on the other hand, love boats- being in them, driving them, being around them - motor boats, yachts, kayaks - it's all good. The weather, though windy, was warm and cooler out on the bay. We had an exciting, speedy ride to begin with which was fun and then cruised much more slowly around the Docklands (which I've never seen) and then up the Yarra to some little island in the middle with an art gallery on it and some rather strange 'art' standing around. I didn't get the art. I'm not arty at all. After a very hot 20 mintues walking around trying to figure out the art, we got back on the boat, scoffed more food and headed back. It was a good trip out, even if a little hot.

We haven't really been anywhere else. Just at home, eating, talking and enjoying the pleasant weather. Went to the Melton Specialist School concert and that was OK. Have visited Mr Scorpio and had a chat and a cuppa. Been Christmas shopping where my eyes went wide with the choice of crap available. Seriously, there's so much stuff that people think they need. But I did pick up my son's bestest eva Christmas present - Spongebob Lego set and my sister bought him another set that he's been wanting forever. Mum bought him Lego too. He's going to be ecstatic Christmas day. I can't wait to see his face.

I've started ringing some friends and organising to see them. We're off to Sorrento on Saturday for an annual catch up with two families who we've kept in touch with. should be good, though it's going to be a long day. It's only a day trip as we've got my niece's 18th birthday BBQ on Sunday.

My niece is autistic and is on the verge of becoming an adult. Next year, because there are no suitable programs for her to go to, she'll be at hom with her mum (my sister) who will officially become her carer. My niece is a talented cartoonist and I'm trying to convince her that she should put her designs on a t-shirt or something like that. I hope I can talk her around and later I want to set her up with her own blog so she can publish some of her work... and maybe earn a little income for herself, just like any normal adult.

Things are tense with the family. Brother and sister still not speaking and so we will go down there. I don't think I'm going to be able to fix this one, they are going to have to sort it out for themselves. My brother is too volatile and I don't want to put myself in his firing range. He hasn't sorted his stuff out with his partner either but I was telling my sister that I don't really think he's knows what to do with all his shit - he doesn't have the skills to resolve the stuff he's done, so I hope in the future he seeks counselling. Everybody has their shit don't they? My mum won't talk about it either - she gets started on a conversation about it all (the massive fight they had when I was here last) and then states she doesn't want to talk about it. So I don't know if she does or doesn't. Is it my place to ask and then fill her in on the details (it all happened when she was sick so she only knows half the story)? I don't know. I don't want to start talking about something then have her get angry and stressed and then not be around later on to talk about it some more and help her deal with it.

This town I live in, or rather I'm going to live in, is, for the moment, rather depressing. The population looks sad. The people are tattooed and scary. A lot of people are really overweight and a lot of people wear black (not that there's anything wrong with that, just sayin'). People get around with an attitude, sometimes they scowl. They are rude. They scare me and make me not want to live here. But I guess it's because I'm not used to being here. Once I get used to being here again, I'm sure it will be OK.

Anyway, I've got to go now. I will post more later. My eldest niece is here and needs to use the computer.

Cheers

Nicola, good luck with the move this month.