Now that it's out in the open, things are so much lighter. It's like the sky has opened up. I've been looking at schools and have a few to choose from. One school in our area has a special focus on multimedia and the arts. Another has sports. So much choice. . AND...AND....there's a Chinese language school that has opened up about 25 minutes down the road that has classes on Saturdays that i would love my kids to go to. SO GOOD. They can keep up their mandarin and do sports or join stuff and we can shop down the road and eat great food that we like every day and we don't even have to eat rice.
OMG the possibilities are endless.
And we have family to visit and who will visit us, friends who are like us, we'll be able to understand everyone (well at least the words that come out of their mouths)
And it's very exciting and a little scary at the same time.
I've packed 3 boxes. Books, some toys, and a few things I've collected over the years. Clothes and suitcases next week. Computer is not coming, that's what portable hard disks are for. iPad is coming. Clothes and personal effects, cables, chargers and phones, all coming with me.
Yesterday was a big day. Dentist visit first for my son who had a tiny cavity that needed seeing too, then a visit to the optometrists. The kids are getting myopia control lenses and I can get them for a good price here. Their current glasses will be their backup sets. I'm getting new ones too, since i have a tendency to mangle mine every chance I get. Got my broken phone refurbished so I have a back up phone and my daughter can use it if need be. We saw my mother in law who has generously invited us for dinner tonight. The vibes I get from her are still positive. We always seem to have such good conversations. It'll be awkward tonight though because I always seem to make some sort of social gaffe when we're together, I'm bound to embarrass him. I don't care anymore though. I'm going home and that's what matters.
After that, we went to tell Mrs Ong, Zhi Lin's mother. It was hard telling her. I choked a little, then she looked sad and asked me if i was sure that i was going home, that nothing else could be done. I said no, cannot anymore and then the heavy air of sad acceptance settled over us while the kids played, oblivious to the drama unfolding right next to them.
So most people know now. It's been sad telling them but ultimately i am happy to be going home. The kids are having their ups and downs, at times really pushing their limits with me. Since it's holidays this week (Malay new year and national day) my two best friends are out of town. Hopefully they will be back soon. Ex's mother knows, but she is quite philosophical about it all, so is doing what she can to help.
I'm good. Ex should be booking the tickets today. I gave him copies of the passports last night. Cross fingers.
Kids are handling this very, very well. So proud of them.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
End of a long day
Yesterday was, as expected, a huge day. After breakfast, we sat down with the kids together and told them. It was worse than you could ever imagine. Ex did the talking. He kept it simple, short. There was no room for discussion and as soon as he said "mummy and papa are going to separate " the shit hit the fan. There's no good way to tell something like this. They cried, sobbed and then both, in their own way got really, really angry. Son went into denial "this is unacceptable", "we have to stay together as a family" "i'm not having this" while daughter went to her room and just sobbed and screamed a little. We just walked around or sat around and comforted them when they'd let us, making sure they were physically ok when they didn't want us near them. Son went on a rampage of denial, eventually ending up in the bathroom where he was going to live by himself and daughter just stayed on her bed and then went for a very long shower. At first they didn't want hugs or to even be in the same room as us, so we just let them be. You can't force them to calm down, you can't tell them not to cry. They have to do it. Ex tried restraining son at one stage, but eventually gave up.
When they'd exhausted themselves, they gave themselves up for some cuddles and we started talking. Just me and the kids. I'd been sitting on daughter's bed, quietly waiting for her to emerge from her intial grief. She did and put her arms up to be held, just like a young child would. Son, who had been skulking around the house with his hand propped into a gun shape, was looking for me, ready to shoot. When his hand came through the door, i let him 'shoot' me and then pulled him into the room and onto my lap. "i tried to change your mind" he said quietly "but i know i can't now, so, ok, we're moving." He'd run the gamut of emotions out and finally came to accept, at least for now, that there is no choice.
Telling them that there was no choice i think helped them accept the inevitability of the situation. I'm grateful it happened this way because i think that giving them any choice in the matter would have made it more difficult.
A little later, the tears stopped flowing and we talked about what life might be like there and ex and I made sure we talked about how we were going to keep in touch. We tried to make it sound as positive as we could. We cleared up misconceptions, especially for son who thought that if ex and I divorce, ex won't be his father anymore. I told them stories of all the different kinds of families there are in the world, people that we know who don't have two parents living together and how they are ok. We made sure that they know we love them and that this is not their fault. At times when we weren't talking, we just lay down together and chilled out with the iPad and the computer, letting the whole situation sink in.
Later ex and i spoke. He wanted to know what i'd said to calm our son down. It wasn't me though. When son rants and raves against something and then realises he can't change things, he turns his thinking around talks himself into accepting it. What i realised today, and probably knew already is that the best life in the world cannot compare to having both parents around. The phrase "but i love my school" showed me that no matter what kind of life i could offer them in Australia, they would still rather live here if it meant ex and i being together. But we are not and i am going home, with them.
And so begins the new chapter in our life. For me, it is utter relief to finally have everything out in the open. The proverbial weight is off my shoulders and I can start to think and live more authentically. I am going to tell the parents of my students this week and i hsve started to think about packing. The kids are on school holidays so they are home for the week. Daughter wants to go back for a few days before we leave but son doesn't want to. This is a choice i am happy for them to make. While i think the worst is over, i know that there will be times when they are very sad and will break down when it all seems too awful. This morning, i checked on sonwho was taking longer than usual in the shower. I found him standing under the water, crying his eyes out. I picked him up, wrapped him in a towel and held him until he finished. This afternoon, my daughter would not leave the house, even though i needed to go shopping badly. I had to wait until she was ready. No point in pushing her and making things worse. She doesn't want the world to know about her sadness, so we spent most of the day in my room. When she was ready, we went to a safe place, my girlfriends lovely house, and had cake and tea.
To my two wonderful children, mummy is so proud of you both. You did well. Yu know if there was anything i could do to fix this, to make it better, i would. But for the way things are, you need to trust me that this is the best choice. Things will change gorgeous ones, but i will be there every step of the way to get you through it and catch you when you fall.
And so i begin to prepare for the future. Get through this and get home are my immediate goals. The rest can come later.
The tickets are not booked yet, but ex assures me he will take care of it. If he doesn't i will. He has given me more than enough cash to get everything organised, so i start in esrnest tomorrow.
Thank the Universe and thankyou all for your unending support and wise words.
Love jo
When they'd exhausted themselves, they gave themselves up for some cuddles and we started talking. Just me and the kids. I'd been sitting on daughter's bed, quietly waiting for her to emerge from her intial grief. She did and put her arms up to be held, just like a young child would. Son, who had been skulking around the house with his hand propped into a gun shape, was looking for me, ready to shoot. When his hand came through the door, i let him 'shoot' me and then pulled him into the room and onto my lap. "i tried to change your mind" he said quietly "but i know i can't now, so, ok, we're moving." He'd run the gamut of emotions out and finally came to accept, at least for now, that there is no choice.
Telling them that there was no choice i think helped them accept the inevitability of the situation. I'm grateful it happened this way because i think that giving them any choice in the matter would have made it more difficult.
A little later, the tears stopped flowing and we talked about what life might be like there and ex and I made sure we talked about how we were going to keep in touch. We tried to make it sound as positive as we could. We cleared up misconceptions, especially for son who thought that if ex and I divorce, ex won't be his father anymore. I told them stories of all the different kinds of families there are in the world, people that we know who don't have two parents living together and how they are ok. We made sure that they know we love them and that this is not their fault. At times when we weren't talking, we just lay down together and chilled out with the iPad and the computer, letting the whole situation sink in.
Later ex and i spoke. He wanted to know what i'd said to calm our son down. It wasn't me though. When son rants and raves against something and then realises he can't change things, he turns his thinking around talks himself into accepting it. What i realised today, and probably knew already is that the best life in the world cannot compare to having both parents around. The phrase "but i love my school" showed me that no matter what kind of life i could offer them in Australia, they would still rather live here if it meant ex and i being together. But we are not and i am going home, with them.
And so begins the new chapter in our life. For me, it is utter relief to finally have everything out in the open. The proverbial weight is off my shoulders and I can start to think and live more authentically. I am going to tell the parents of my students this week and i hsve started to think about packing. The kids are on school holidays so they are home for the week. Daughter wants to go back for a few days before we leave but son doesn't want to. This is a choice i am happy for them to make. While i think the worst is over, i know that there will be times when they are very sad and will break down when it all seems too awful. This morning, i checked on sonwho was taking longer than usual in the shower. I found him standing under the water, crying his eyes out. I picked him up, wrapped him in a towel and held him until he finished. This afternoon, my daughter would not leave the house, even though i needed to go shopping badly. I had to wait until she was ready. No point in pushing her and making things worse. She doesn't want the world to know about her sadness, so we spent most of the day in my room. When she was ready, we went to a safe place, my girlfriends lovely house, and had cake and tea.
To my two wonderful children, mummy is so proud of you both. You did well. Yu know if there was anything i could do to fix this, to make it better, i would. But for the way things are, you need to trust me that this is the best choice. Things will change gorgeous ones, but i will be there every step of the way to get you through it and catch you when you fall.
And so i begin to prepare for the future. Get through this and get home are my immediate goals. The rest can come later.
The tickets are not booked yet, but ex assures me he will take care of it. If he doesn't i will. He has given me more than enough cash to get everything organised, so i start in esrnest tomorrow.
Thank the Universe and thankyou all for your unending support and wise words.
Love jo
Friday, August 26, 2011
Calm before the storm...
It's been a quiet day. Classes were cancelled, the kids went to school and after-school tuition as normal. Ex left in the morning and we didn't see him again til evening when we met up in town so that he could take daughter to play soccer while I took son for a haircut (one less thing I will have to do this week).
I want to get going, but I can't move. The kids don't know yet because ex decided that he didn't want them to know and then have to go to school the next day. We were supposed to tell them tonight but he took daughter out to see some friends at the local 'hungry ghost' festival in town and they're not back yet. I stayed home with son and we had supper together and watched episodes of the Simpsons. He's fallen asleep in my bed and I'm staying up til ex and daughter get home.
This morning I wanted to go to NASOM and tell the teachers that I'm leaving. I asked ex if he would mind and he said he would. "No-one knows until the kids know." It's fair enough but even though I don't want to devastate them, I need them to know so I can get on with preparations. Ex said I was putting my own feelings first and couldn't understand how I could want to tell others without telling the kids first. We think differently. My justification is that I want to give them my teaching materials and say good bye because they will not be available over the holidays and it's not like they are going to meet up with the kids at all. I also wanted to get the kids reports from the school but couldn't do that because I couldn't tell the teachers why because the kids don't know yet.
Ex says I always seem to grab on to one issue and focus on it. Today it's been about telling the kids about what's happening. All the while they don't know, I have to keep up a 'everything is normal" facade which means that they went to tuition today and we speak as if they are going back to school after this weeks holidays. Yesterday it was the ticket issue. Tomorrow, who knows what I'll grab onto, although I suspect it will be the same as today. The kids need to know, now.
But days are going past. Tickets are not booked yet. I don't think the 5th is a feasible date to leave. Before we go, we need to visit the dentist, get a pair of glasses each, have othotics made for son's feet (requires 1 - 3 days in KL) and pack up 60kgs of our most essential stuff. Ex said the rest we don't need to worry about. We'll bring it back slowly or he'll pack it up for us and send by sea mail. I would like to get a few of those going too. And I want to back up my hard disk onto a portable drive so I can bring my stuff with me. And I need the kids school reports, although ex can do that as well after we leave.
Times they are a-changing. Send me your positive thoughts people, they've gotten me this far.
Love you all.
Cheers
I want to get going, but I can't move. The kids don't know yet because ex decided that he didn't want them to know and then have to go to school the next day. We were supposed to tell them tonight but he took daughter out to see some friends at the local 'hungry ghost' festival in town and they're not back yet. I stayed home with son and we had supper together and watched episodes of the Simpsons. He's fallen asleep in my bed and I'm staying up til ex and daughter get home.
This morning I wanted to go to NASOM and tell the teachers that I'm leaving. I asked ex if he would mind and he said he would. "No-one knows until the kids know." It's fair enough but even though I don't want to devastate them, I need them to know so I can get on with preparations. Ex said I was putting my own feelings first and couldn't understand how I could want to tell others without telling the kids first. We think differently. My justification is that I want to give them my teaching materials and say good bye because they will not be available over the holidays and it's not like they are going to meet up with the kids at all. I also wanted to get the kids reports from the school but couldn't do that because I couldn't tell the teachers why because the kids don't know yet.
Ex says I always seem to grab on to one issue and focus on it. Today it's been about telling the kids about what's happening. All the while they don't know, I have to keep up a 'everything is normal" facade which means that they went to tuition today and we speak as if they are going back to school after this weeks holidays. Yesterday it was the ticket issue. Tomorrow, who knows what I'll grab onto, although I suspect it will be the same as today. The kids need to know, now.
But days are going past. Tickets are not booked yet. I don't think the 5th is a feasible date to leave. Before we go, we need to visit the dentist, get a pair of glasses each, have othotics made for son's feet (requires 1 - 3 days in KL) and pack up 60kgs of our most essential stuff. Ex said the rest we don't need to worry about. We'll bring it back slowly or he'll pack it up for us and send by sea mail. I would like to get a few of those going too. And I want to back up my hard disk onto a portable drive so I can bring my stuff with me. And I need the kids school reports, although ex can do that as well after we leave.
Times they are a-changing. Send me your positive thoughts people, they've gotten me this far.
Love you all.
Cheers
Thursday, August 25, 2011
A light chat in the afternoon.
He called me just as i was finishing lunch with the kids. Said he needed to talk to me about something. I couldn't say no, so i drove to the office. I was actually trembling as i walked up the stairs. Almost in tears, i willed it not to show as a i plastered a fake smile on my face. Horrible thoughts about how he's going to take it back or perhaps someone had asked him about us leaving swirled in my overactive ego-driven pain. It physically hurt.
I went in and sat down. He was calm and i was trying to be. We needed to talk about the ticket thing he said. Earlier in the day, while driving, i told him that mum would pay for the tickets and he wasn't happy about it. He had OFFERED he said, it was his responsibility to buy us the tickets. I had taken that and thrown it in his face, like i had some point to make, like I was trying to prove how independent i was. I was also making assumptions about his financial position when he'd already arranged to have the money made available and when really, i didn't have a clue.
To say i was shocked was an understatement. I sat there numb and crying silent tears while he talked again about how i'd over-reacted the other night, how i'd made assumptions. He went on about my BPD and how when i shut people down with my moods, i risk transferring that particular trait to the kids. He knows about all the bad things i say about him in my head or to other people and he's let that go. There's no anger or resentment he said, and he wishes me all the best and happiness. Writing it here it sounds like the most ludicrous 'talk' ever, but to here him say it in that calm, rational voice almost made it sound reasonable.
I cried, thinking, no, there's no agenda here, no point to make. I wasn't trying to be independent, i was just trying to make it easier for him. He says he knows he makes bad assumptions about me, as i do about him, but asking my parents to send money was ego-driven and i should be careful about that. OMG! i couldn't believe he was saying all this stuff, not because he wanted to and not to make me feel bad.
GUESS WHAT! I feel bad when you say those things. He told me at the start that this was the last time ever that he would talk about this thing (my flaws) with me. And i just sat there in tears, wondering when i had done the things he was talking about. I just don't see it. I never see it and that's the upsetting bit. I never, ever see those things that he sees so how can i change them.
In the end i just gave up and let it wash over me, not responding, just crying. I know this will be over soon, so there's no point fighting it. If i let myself start, i may never stop.
In the end, he did say some good things too. He said i'm the best person to look after the kids now, i would do a better job than him at this point. He said i was very good with the kids and he could see they were happy with me. He knows they will be well taken care of.
He said that he will look after us financially, as soon as he sorts his stuff out and that i shouldn't worry about how he organises his affairs. he'll send us money when he can and visit as often as he can. He will not stay in my house when he is there, nor drive my car. He may meet them at the airport and then take them on holidays.
After i picked up the pieces of my self esteem up off the floor i went to the bathroom and let it al out. As i went to go out, i mistakenly opened the wrong side of the door and then had a panic attack because i thought that i was locked in. I have a mild phobia about being locked ina toilet, dating back to my childhood days.
That all over, i left the building, feeling like i'd been hit by a train. Just one more week and we can be apart, one more week. As i was leaving, he said "and we'll look at the date too, just to make sure we can fit everything in that we need to get done.
Time to rest. I wish i was a robot.
I went in and sat down. He was calm and i was trying to be. We needed to talk about the ticket thing he said. Earlier in the day, while driving, i told him that mum would pay for the tickets and he wasn't happy about it. He had OFFERED he said, it was his responsibility to buy us the tickets. I had taken that and thrown it in his face, like i had some point to make, like I was trying to prove how independent i was. I was also making assumptions about his financial position when he'd already arranged to have the money made available and when really, i didn't have a clue.
To say i was shocked was an understatement. I sat there numb and crying silent tears while he talked again about how i'd over-reacted the other night, how i'd made assumptions. He went on about my BPD and how when i shut people down with my moods, i risk transferring that particular trait to the kids. He knows about all the bad things i say about him in my head or to other people and he's let that go. There's no anger or resentment he said, and he wishes me all the best and happiness. Writing it here it sounds like the most ludicrous 'talk' ever, but to here him say it in that calm, rational voice almost made it sound reasonable.
I cried, thinking, no, there's no agenda here, no point to make. I wasn't trying to be independent, i was just trying to make it easier for him. He says he knows he makes bad assumptions about me, as i do about him, but asking my parents to send money was ego-driven and i should be careful about that. OMG! i couldn't believe he was saying all this stuff, not because he wanted to and not to make me feel bad.
GUESS WHAT! I feel bad when you say those things. He told me at the start that this was the last time ever that he would talk about this thing (my flaws) with me. And i just sat there in tears, wondering when i had done the things he was talking about. I just don't see it. I never see it and that's the upsetting bit. I never, ever see those things that he sees so how can i change them.
In the end i just gave up and let it wash over me, not responding, just crying. I know this will be over soon, so there's no point fighting it. If i let myself start, i may never stop.
In the end, he did say some good things too. He said i'm the best person to look after the kids now, i would do a better job than him at this point. He said i was very good with the kids and he could see they were happy with me. He knows they will be well taken care of.
He said that he will look after us financially, as soon as he sorts his stuff out and that i shouldn't worry about how he organises his affairs. he'll send us money when he can and visit as often as he can. He will not stay in my house when he is there, nor drive my car. He may meet them at the airport and then take them on holidays.
After i picked up the pieces of my self esteem up off the floor i went to the bathroom and let it al out. As i went to go out, i mistakenly opened the wrong side of the door and then had a panic attack because i thought that i was locked in. I have a mild phobia about being locked ina toilet, dating back to my childhood days.
That all over, i left the building, feeling like i'd been hit by a train. Just one more week and we can be apart, one more week. As i was leaving, he said "and we'll look at the date too, just to make sure we can fit everything in that we need to get done.
Time to rest. I wish i was a robot.
So?
So? That's how we started last night's conversation. I didn't take notes this time. I was waiting to see if he'd renege, saying oh it was just something he was putting out there. He didn't, it's not. This is real. My date is chosen. My tickets are not booked yet, but they will be.
I should be home within two weeks. We have decided to do this quickly. There's no point dragging it all out, waiting for the inevitable. We don't want to give the kids too much time to ponder. Just enough to absorb it and then go. My date of choice is next sunday, september 5th.
Last night we said we'd tell the children on the weekend, but i think we should do it tonight because tomorrow is the last day of term. I want to give them the chance to say goodbye to their friends and i need to get their report cards from the school. As i'm under strict intructions not to tell anyone here before we tell the kids, I think we should tell them tonight. I kdon't know if that's a good idea or not.
What do you think. I had to tell mum though. She's sending me money to pay for the tickets. Even though ex has said he will, i know he is not in a good financial position. I would rather him use his money for himself and then send us some when he is better off.
There's so much to do, yet today i am oddly stuck. Still a bit numb and taking it all in. I told mum that even though this looks good for us coming home, we still need to bear in mind that sometimes plans don't work out.
Ex hasn't gone to work yet. I'm sure he told me he hadna meeting this morning at 10. It's 11.30 now and i feel like i should wake him up but i'm not responisble for him. If he misses his meeting, it's his stuff up, not mine.
It's going to be awful telling my students and the teachers at the autistic centre tht i'm going. But that's part of living. We form relationships,, we care and when we leave it's sad. But that's life and now, finally, i will be able to get on with mine.
It's funny you know. Back in march, or maybe april, i was thinking "august". And then again, the last time we transferred money, i was thinking, this will only last til August, he better get his shit together by then. And here we are. The whole believing-in-karma thing has really worked. You get back what you give away, as adam lambert says. I've worked hard, asked people to think of me, been positive (for the most part) and kept myself sane and it worked. I'm so pleased it worked.
Now, i'm hungry. Who wants coffee. You people who i love have a standing invitation to come to my house at any time of day and i will feed you and make coffee and revel in all your gloriousness. Because you people rock.
I should be home within two weeks. We have decided to do this quickly. There's no point dragging it all out, waiting for the inevitable. We don't want to give the kids too much time to ponder. Just enough to absorb it and then go. My date of choice is next sunday, september 5th.
Last night we said we'd tell the children on the weekend, but i think we should do it tonight because tomorrow is the last day of term. I want to give them the chance to say goodbye to their friends and i need to get their report cards from the school. As i'm under strict intructions not to tell anyone here before we tell the kids, I think we should tell them tonight. I kdon't know if that's a good idea or not.
What do you think. I had to tell mum though. She's sending me money to pay for the tickets. Even though ex has said he will, i know he is not in a good financial position. I would rather him use his money for himself and then send us some when he is better off.
There's so much to do, yet today i am oddly stuck. Still a bit numb and taking it all in. I told mum that even though this looks good for us coming home, we still need to bear in mind that sometimes plans don't work out.
Ex hasn't gone to work yet. I'm sure he told me he hadna meeting this morning at 10. It's 11.30 now and i feel like i should wake him up but i'm not responisble for him. If he misses his meeting, it's his stuff up, not mine.
It's going to be awful telling my students and the teachers at the autistic centre tht i'm going. But that's part of living. We form relationships,, we care and when we leave it's sad. But that's life and now, finally, i will be able to get on with mine.
It's funny you know. Back in march, or maybe april, i was thinking "august". And then again, the last time we transferred money, i was thinking, this will only last til August, he better get his shit together by then. And here we are. The whole believing-in-karma thing has really worked. You get back what you give away, as adam lambert says. I've worked hard, asked people to think of me, been positive (for the most part) and kept myself sane and it worked. I'm so pleased it worked.
Now, i'm hungry. Who wants coffee. You people who i love have a standing invitation to come to my house at any time of day and i will feed you and make coffee and revel in all your gloriousness. Because you people rock.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Question
The question is when. He's said I can choose. Next week, end of the school term? I feel like the kids should finish the school year out, otherwise they might feel snatched away. However, I don't know if ex and I can tough it out for as long as that. If not, we'll be leaving next week, during the school holidays. It seems too soon. How do I tell him that I need him to help me choose a date because I need to know if he can stand me for one more school term.
I don't know what to do. Ex said he will talk to me tonight. We will tell the kids tomorrow.
I'm unnerved and I still feel like shit. My ego is wallowing in the drama of it all. I need to step back and take a breath. I don't trust him, maybe he will renege.
Tonight. I need to prepare for tonight. I don't know what to say, I don't know what he will say. I'm probably making up the drama. My mind is numb.
This morning, when we talked about the misunderstanding, he wasn't mean or angry or nasty. Just neutral. He sounded almost casual but when he responded to my version of what happened last night, I could hear his anger, tucked in behind his civil voice. I may have dreamt it all.
I wish I was dreaming. Now our worlds are turned upside down. I can feel myself spinning. This will need to pass soon because soon I have to get lunch, teach somebody, pick up another child and then organise homework and dinner.
Breathe.
I don't know what to do. Ex said he will talk to me tonight. We will tell the kids tomorrow.
I'm unnerved and I still feel like shit. My ego is wallowing in the drama of it all. I need to step back and take a breath. I don't trust him, maybe he will renege.
Tonight. I need to prepare for tonight. I don't know what to say, I don't know what he will say. I'm probably making up the drama. My mind is numb.
This morning, when we talked about the misunderstanding, he wasn't mean or angry or nasty. Just neutral. He sounded almost casual but when he responded to my version of what happened last night, I could hear his anger, tucked in behind his civil voice. I may have dreamt it all.
I wish I was dreaming. Now our worlds are turned upside down. I can feel myself spinning. This will need to pass soon because soon I have to get lunch, teach somebody, pick up another child and then organise homework and dinner.
Breathe.
Misunderstood
I don't know how to say this, or even if I should just yet. It feels too early yet the thoughts in my head are spiralling around and around and this is the only place I can put them safely. The basics first.
We had a misunderstanding again last night. One of many. The details don't matter. It was the last straw.
He has asked me to leave. With the kids.
I have what I want. I feel like shit.
We had a misunderstanding again last night. One of many. The details don't matter. It was the last straw.
He has asked me to leave. With the kids.
I have what I want. I feel like shit.
Monday, August 22, 2011
The day after... and then some
Well, the day went as well as it could. Both the kids had a great time, their friends turned up, they ate whatever they liked, which is half the point of celebrating isn't it. We ate hotdogs and fries and wedges and cake and a myriad of other things that are so not good for you. I did everything I could so that I wouldn't be an embarrassment to ex. The house was clean, the mice are under control and the bathrooms were done. Yes, the cake didn't cook up that well, but daughter thought it was beautiful and son was happy that his chocolate cake had chocolate icing and sprinkles on it. The important things held up. I did my bit.
After yesterday's marathon effort at cleaning, organising, cooking, and what not, I decided to take this morning off, so here I sit in my room, not thinking about the ironing or the dishes that need putting away or whatever else. I stayed in bed until I heard the front door close and realised ex was taking the car to work. I got up to see what was happening. He didn't want to wake me he said but I insisted that I wanted the car. Even though I could have done without it, I wanted it to pick the kids up from school instead of him having to do it. Last week when he did it, he messed up by not remembering that the kids walk to the car themselves so he went looking for them. In a scene from a bad comedy of errors, ex and both kids all missed each other among the throng of cars and kids and parents and when they finally did find each other, ex was so stressed out and was unable to listen to son who was trying to explain to him how it all worked. Once home, ex and daughter came in and went to their respective rooms, slamming doors and all while poor son wandered in after them looking quite lost. Ex showered and went back to work with not a word of explanation about what had happened. It sucked, but we let it go. By night, ex had gotten over himself and all was back to normal.
So that's why I didn't want him to pick up the kids today. I would rather do it myself and save everyone the stress. But this morning, after I had dropped him off at work, he rang back and said he needed the car to go to a meeting or something. So I back tracked through the roadworks traffic jam just so he could drive me back to where I was and take the car to his meeting. It took me 15 minutes to get back to him. I don't plan things this way, but it happens. Traffic jams, roadworks, fucked up plans, all when you don't need them. Just the right mix to inflame his stress levels. And really, I can't tolerate his stress much longer. I'm going to have to say something because he doesn't realise how he affects me. He always says that he doesn't have an agenda and at the time, i believe him but his actions make me think otherwise. Maybe I being too sensitive. How ironic, given that he says he can't tolerate my moods much longer either.
I just don't know how to handle his stress and I always think it's because of me. Even when it clearly isn't, I feel responsible. If I try to make it better though, I just make it worse, so I end up not saying anything at all and looking like "something's wrong" or just that I don't care. He actually asked me this morning if something was wrong and I told him no (because to really tell him needs more than just a 5 minute car ride). I did say that if he needs the car to just ask me and it's OK to wake me up. If he wanted to talk at 3am, I wouldn't mind if he woke me. I would still bend over backwards for him, and he doesn't realise it and I don't know why I would, I just know I would.
The other day I wrapped a soccer ball that he wanted to give to our daughter so that they can play together. When I finished it looked like a huge dolls head with pigtails coming off the side. Very cute and it made him laugh and hearing him laugh at something I'd done, made me feel good. I loved the look on his face, the way he tilted his head back, the smile. And then of course, this whole mess hurts even more, because I realise that in his eyes, I will never be good enough for him. Even if I am strong and healthy and confident and know that I am a worthy person, it will still not be enough for him because of his skewed perspective, because of the pressure he is under, because of our fucking dysfunctional past.
When I am honest with myself, I am appalled that I still have these mixed feelings about him, even when it clear that he has none for me. I feel so pathetic, still wanting his validation. When I see myself rationalising his behaviour, agreeing with sentiments that I know are wrong in my eyes, I feel sick to my stomach. I know I need to get away so that I can finally, finally let him go.
There is a voice though, in the back of my head that says something will happen soon. It needs to happen. I know I'm being painfully slow to resolve all this, but there's lots of other things to deal with as well and I have to be careful of the kids. They ARE picking up on things, even if they don't know it. The other day daughter started crying when I told her that I do get frustrated because I do all this on my own with no help ( I know, bad choice of words) and then last night son was feeling weird. He has questions he says, but he doesn't know what the questions are and they give him a funny feeling.
The birthdays have passed. We need to talk again. I need to really let go and raise my concerns good and proper. I've allowed him to talk freely and have 'taken it', so now it's his turn. I need to be brave and strong and stand up for myself. With only a few months left to go, I've got nothing to lose. It's time for all this to play out the way it will.
KARMA - check
Notes - check
courage - hmmm, it was around here somewhere.
xanax - check
Deep breath.
After yesterday's marathon effort at cleaning, organising, cooking, and what not, I decided to take this morning off, so here I sit in my room, not thinking about the ironing or the dishes that need putting away or whatever else. I stayed in bed until I heard the front door close and realised ex was taking the car to work. I got up to see what was happening. He didn't want to wake me he said but I insisted that I wanted the car. Even though I could have done without it, I wanted it to pick the kids up from school instead of him having to do it. Last week when he did it, he messed up by not remembering that the kids walk to the car themselves so he went looking for them. In a scene from a bad comedy of errors, ex and both kids all missed each other among the throng of cars and kids and parents and when they finally did find each other, ex was so stressed out and was unable to listen to son who was trying to explain to him how it all worked. Once home, ex and daughter came in and went to their respective rooms, slamming doors and all while poor son wandered in after them looking quite lost. Ex showered and went back to work with not a word of explanation about what had happened. It sucked, but we let it go. By night, ex had gotten over himself and all was back to normal.
So that's why I didn't want him to pick up the kids today. I would rather do it myself and save everyone the stress. But this morning, after I had dropped him off at work, he rang back and said he needed the car to go to a meeting or something. So I back tracked through the roadworks traffic jam just so he could drive me back to where I was and take the car to his meeting. It took me 15 minutes to get back to him. I don't plan things this way, but it happens. Traffic jams, roadworks, fucked up plans, all when you don't need them. Just the right mix to inflame his stress levels. And really, I can't tolerate his stress much longer. I'm going to have to say something because he doesn't realise how he affects me. He always says that he doesn't have an agenda and at the time, i believe him but his actions make me think otherwise. Maybe I being too sensitive. How ironic, given that he says he can't tolerate my moods much longer either.
I just don't know how to handle his stress and I always think it's because of me. Even when it clearly isn't, I feel responsible. If I try to make it better though, I just make it worse, so I end up not saying anything at all and looking like "something's wrong" or just that I don't care. He actually asked me this morning if something was wrong and I told him no (because to really tell him needs more than just a 5 minute car ride). I did say that if he needs the car to just ask me and it's OK to wake me up. If he wanted to talk at 3am, I wouldn't mind if he woke me. I would still bend over backwards for him, and he doesn't realise it and I don't know why I would, I just know I would.
The other day I wrapped a soccer ball that he wanted to give to our daughter so that they can play together. When I finished it looked like a huge dolls head with pigtails coming off the side. Very cute and it made him laugh and hearing him laugh at something I'd done, made me feel good. I loved the look on his face, the way he tilted his head back, the smile. And then of course, this whole mess hurts even more, because I realise that in his eyes, I will never be good enough for him. Even if I am strong and healthy and confident and know that I am a worthy person, it will still not be enough for him because of his skewed perspective, because of the pressure he is under, because of our fucking dysfunctional past.
When I am honest with myself, I am appalled that I still have these mixed feelings about him, even when it clear that he has none for me. I feel so pathetic, still wanting his validation. When I see myself rationalising his behaviour, agreeing with sentiments that I know are wrong in my eyes, I feel sick to my stomach. I know I need to get away so that I can finally, finally let him go.
There is a voice though, in the back of my head that says something will happen soon. It needs to happen. I know I'm being painfully slow to resolve all this, but there's lots of other things to deal with as well and I have to be careful of the kids. They ARE picking up on things, even if they don't know it. The other day daughter started crying when I told her that I do get frustrated because I do all this on my own with no help ( I know, bad choice of words) and then last night son was feeling weird. He has questions he says, but he doesn't know what the questions are and they give him a funny feeling.
The birthdays have passed. We need to talk again. I need to really let go and raise my concerns good and proper. I've allowed him to talk freely and have 'taken it', so now it's his turn. I need to be brave and strong and stand up for myself. With only a few months left to go, I've got nothing to lose. It's time for all this to play out the way it will.
KARMA - check
Notes - check
courage - hmmm, it was around here somewhere.
xanax - check
Deep breath.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
breathe
tomorrow is the kids birthday celebration. It was never meant to be a 'party' because I can't cope with that - not while ex is looking on. It's an afternoon tea - 2 friends each for lunch - hot dogs and fries, family an hour later for cake and afternoon tea. None of my friends are coming, because I didn't ask them. Now I wish they were. I want their smiling faces and encouraging words and strong vibes. I hate doing this. I'll get through the day and at the end of it the kids will be tired and ex will go to his room - no thanks or appreciation. Just nothing.
I hate this.
I hate this.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Stand tall and regroup
We can never control what others say about us. We can only control our own inner reaction.
That's what all the spiritual self-help books will tell you. You are in control of your own reactions. Last night's talk has given me a chance to prove this little gem right. Let me tell you what happened.
We started by talking about the children's birthdays. He's leaving it to me, so nothing new there. I bought my daughter a book from the Chicken soup for the Soul series, the one titled "Girls". She loves reading those books and then talking about the stories later. We often read together, snuggled up on my bed. It's a great way to spend time together and to bond, which is so important right now. It's the perfect present and I know she'll love it. I'm also getting her a paint by numbers canvas. She's not that artistic but she does like to paint and this is one way she can do it and the results are pleasing to her. Ex has resigned himself to the fact that our son is interested in nothing else but Lego and on his trip to KL next week, will go shopping for a new set.
After we'd settled another domestic matter (closing the business, handing over the management of multiple domain names to him etc) we got onto the serious stuff.
His first question was "how do you reconcile teaching the children something you haven't mastered yourself?"
Generally he was talking about emotional control. He doesn't see it that when my emotions do go overboard, it's because the situation is extreme. Extreme situations, extreme behaviour. My normal demeanour is usually pretty calm. Specifically, he was referring to a book I had been reading with Jilian called "Being a Happy Teen" by Andrew Matthews. I bought the book in the hope that we would read it together and then go on to talk about how to control our moods (she's pretty moody at the moment, normal pre-teen angst plus I'm sure she's picking up on the tension) It's quite a good book in that it gives teens a view on what it's like to be a parent and how to be your own person and make good decisions along the way, but it's said in a very appealing way. Anyway, I told him that the things in the book were things I now believed and that I had come a long way in controlling some of my own emotions. I still read a lot of Eckhart Tolle and try to apply what I learn, to my own life. I tell the kids that sometimes I slip up and that it's hard and that I never thought I could change, but here I am. I tell my kids, without giving them the details about the struggles I've had as a person, how shy and intimidated I used to feel. I reiterated that I often have to 'live in the now' and take things for what they are rather than putting my own spin on things. I used his going out late at night as a good example of how I am able to let things be and I don't get upset anymore in that even if he is going out and drinking or whatever, that was his choice and had nothing to do with me. He didn't dispute the things I talked about and I think I did a good job of convincing him that I have some good skills in the emotional control department. His comment that "emotions are usually based on the wrong perceptions of reality" was interesting. If this was directly referring to me, he is talking about how I get emotional over things I perceive that are not there, things to do with him perhaps. Which is really ironic coming from him, he of the "i'm upset because you take an hour to put the kids to bed because you want to avoid me" school of thinking. Hmmmmmm..... I wonder how he'd react if he knew I was considering taking a life coaching course when I return home. I really am. I figure it could give me skills I don't have and equip me to help the kids later if that's the sort of help they need. Or if I like it, I could become a health and well-being life coach - maybe.
Anyway, I digress. We went on to discuss education (my concern), which he is dpoe not convinced is that important. He said most of the millionaires of the world don't have degrees anyway and people, if they want to do something, will always find a way to do it, regardless of their educational background. I can see that point of view but I still think we should give them the opportunity to experience as good an education as we can provide. Unfortunately I got a bit stuck at this point and failed to mention that the schools no longer teach maths and science in english at the secondary level, but honestly, it wouldn't have made a difference anyway. He's got his mind set on the 'if people want something, they will find a way to make it happen'. This is not surprising coming from someone who taught himself C++ programming, so I can see his point, though that doesn't change my mind about wanting them to have their education in Australia. His message here is, if they want to stay, I don't need to freak out because they are not getting the education I pictured for them. And really, i know that's right. People come up from all sorts of circumstances and are successful, but I would still like them to experience school in Australia.
Other things that came up.... He has come close to asking me to leave with the kids a couple of times when he is so stressed that he doesn't think he can stand it any more. Part of me wishes he would do just that and get this whole sordid mess over with. I honestly can't say that I've done anything that I would regard as completely thoughtless, hysterical or inconsiderate, but that's just me.
He still worries about the kids learning how to do things efficiently and quickly. I drive him mad with the way I do things and on top of that I'm slow at it. It doesn't bother me, but it bothers him a great deal. He asked me how am I going to teach the kids to do things efficiently when I can't do them myself. He did mention that i've organised the kitchen and my room quite well and done a better job than he could ever have done and then said that well, he's not that worried about passing on the life skills that much. I don't have any response to this line of thinking. If I defend myself, I'm being defensive and if I don't, I'm a doormat. I can't win either way, so just let it be.
We talked about the possibility that if the kids want to stay another year, would that be an option for me too. His reply was.... interesting at best, offensive at worst. He told me thst even though I don't see it, I'm very difficult to live with. He brought up a story that I told him of when I was 20 or so and living back home after university. Mum and I had been fighting a lot and my dad pulled me aside and told me that if things didn't change, I would have to move out. He further exemplified how difficult I am by reminding me that when I broke my arm earlier this year, I seemed to think I was entitled to have people helping me and he thought I was rude and offensive to his mum. Thinking back on this, I asked him if he'd actually spoken to his mum about it and he said no, but he sees things, he sees how people react to me - OK then... I remember him telling me this while I was still recuperating, so at the time, I went and talked to his mum and she told me that I was fine, family was supposed to step in and help when needed. I never told him I talked to her but I think I am going to have to. She's a pretty open and straight talking and I believed her when she said it was ok. Maybe she was being polite, I don't know, but I thought I knew her better than that. Mind you, he's projected like this onto his family before and when I talked to them about the things that he said, they denied feeling that way. If they weren't being genuine with me, they're damn good actors.
So, is it really feasible that I stay for another year? No, actually I don't think I can. I don't want to and I don't think we'd cope very well. If I did, the whole situation would have to change to the point where we'd need to live in different houses or something along those lines. I would need to get my own visa based on me working here, rather than me being married here as it currently is. But on the whole, given how he feels about me, I think it's best for me to come home. It's what i need to do anyway, I feel it. It's time.
He said again as he was talking about me and my life skills that he's not saying it to make me feel bad. I feel bad just speaking to him, so I wish he wouldn't say that. At this point, his biggest concern is whether I will be able to teach the kids life skills... and then said that he didn't really have a problem with me teaching them life skills, not really. My educated guess says he was just putting the issue "out there" to discuss and make me aware of his concerns. However, it doesn't bring us any closer to a decision.
We concluded after an hour and a bit. I hopped into bed, wanting to write it all out, but I was just numb. I don't know why, perhaps the onslaught of "here's how bad you are, but I'm not saying it to make you feel bad" thing. So I sat with it for a while, understanding that anyone with feelings would react emotionally, or not. I knew it would pass and it did, the next day.
My heart feels so strongly that the kids should come with me, that I'm better equipped to take care of them at this point in their lives. If it's true, then we'll all end up in Melbourne next year. The kids brithday's are next week and after that, well, decisions need to be made. Just the thought of it makes me a little weak with emotion. My hands are sweaty just writing this little bit about it and I can feel my blood getting hot. If it goes the way it should, I will be ecstatically happy and sad all at once. If it doesn't, I will break and then pick myself up and get through it.
That's what all the spiritual self-help books will tell you. You are in control of your own reactions. Last night's talk has given me a chance to prove this little gem right. Let me tell you what happened.
We started by talking about the children's birthdays. He's leaving it to me, so nothing new there. I bought my daughter a book from the Chicken soup for the Soul series, the one titled "Girls". She loves reading those books and then talking about the stories later. We often read together, snuggled up on my bed. It's a great way to spend time together and to bond, which is so important right now. It's the perfect present and I know she'll love it. I'm also getting her a paint by numbers canvas. She's not that artistic but she does like to paint and this is one way she can do it and the results are pleasing to her. Ex has resigned himself to the fact that our son is interested in nothing else but Lego and on his trip to KL next week, will go shopping for a new set.
After we'd settled another domestic matter (closing the business, handing over the management of multiple domain names to him etc) we got onto the serious stuff.
His first question was "how do you reconcile teaching the children something you haven't mastered yourself?"
Generally he was talking about emotional control. He doesn't see it that when my emotions do go overboard, it's because the situation is extreme. Extreme situations, extreme behaviour. My normal demeanour is usually pretty calm. Specifically, he was referring to a book I had been reading with Jilian called "Being a Happy Teen" by Andrew Matthews. I bought the book in the hope that we would read it together and then go on to talk about how to control our moods (she's pretty moody at the moment, normal pre-teen angst plus I'm sure she's picking up on the tension) It's quite a good book in that it gives teens a view on what it's like to be a parent and how to be your own person and make good decisions along the way, but it's said in a very appealing way. Anyway, I told him that the things in the book were things I now believed and that I had come a long way in controlling some of my own emotions. I still read a lot of Eckhart Tolle and try to apply what I learn, to my own life. I tell the kids that sometimes I slip up and that it's hard and that I never thought I could change, but here I am. I tell my kids, without giving them the details about the struggles I've had as a person, how shy and intimidated I used to feel. I reiterated that I often have to 'live in the now' and take things for what they are rather than putting my own spin on things. I used his going out late at night as a good example of how I am able to let things be and I don't get upset anymore in that even if he is going out and drinking or whatever, that was his choice and had nothing to do with me. He didn't dispute the things I talked about and I think I did a good job of convincing him that I have some good skills in the emotional control department. His comment that "emotions are usually based on the wrong perceptions of reality" was interesting. If this was directly referring to me, he is talking about how I get emotional over things I perceive that are not there, things to do with him perhaps. Which is really ironic coming from him, he of the "i'm upset because you take an hour to put the kids to bed because you want to avoid me" school of thinking. Hmmmmmm..... I wonder how he'd react if he knew I was considering taking a life coaching course when I return home. I really am. I figure it could give me skills I don't have and equip me to help the kids later if that's the sort of help they need. Or if I like it, I could become a health and well-being life coach - maybe.
Anyway, I digress. We went on to discuss education (my concern), which he is dpoe not convinced is that important. He said most of the millionaires of the world don't have degrees anyway and people, if they want to do something, will always find a way to do it, regardless of their educational background. I can see that point of view but I still think we should give them the opportunity to experience as good an education as we can provide. Unfortunately I got a bit stuck at this point and failed to mention that the schools no longer teach maths and science in english at the secondary level, but honestly, it wouldn't have made a difference anyway. He's got his mind set on the 'if people want something, they will find a way to make it happen'. This is not surprising coming from someone who taught himself C++ programming, so I can see his point, though that doesn't change my mind about wanting them to have their education in Australia. His message here is, if they want to stay, I don't need to freak out because they are not getting the education I pictured for them. And really, i know that's right. People come up from all sorts of circumstances and are successful, but I would still like them to experience school in Australia.
Other things that came up.... He has come close to asking me to leave with the kids a couple of times when he is so stressed that he doesn't think he can stand it any more. Part of me wishes he would do just that and get this whole sordid mess over with. I honestly can't say that I've done anything that I would regard as completely thoughtless, hysterical or inconsiderate, but that's just me.
He still worries about the kids learning how to do things efficiently and quickly. I drive him mad with the way I do things and on top of that I'm slow at it. It doesn't bother me, but it bothers him a great deal. He asked me how am I going to teach the kids to do things efficiently when I can't do them myself. He did mention that i've organised the kitchen and my room quite well and done a better job than he could ever have done and then said that well, he's not that worried about passing on the life skills that much. I don't have any response to this line of thinking. If I defend myself, I'm being defensive and if I don't, I'm a doormat. I can't win either way, so just let it be.
We talked about the possibility that if the kids want to stay another year, would that be an option for me too. His reply was.... interesting at best, offensive at worst. He told me thst even though I don't see it, I'm very difficult to live with. He brought up a story that I told him of when I was 20 or so and living back home after university. Mum and I had been fighting a lot and my dad pulled me aside and told me that if things didn't change, I would have to move out. He further exemplified how difficult I am by reminding me that when I broke my arm earlier this year, I seemed to think I was entitled to have people helping me and he thought I was rude and offensive to his mum. Thinking back on this, I asked him if he'd actually spoken to his mum about it and he said no, but he sees things, he sees how people react to me - OK then... I remember him telling me this while I was still recuperating, so at the time, I went and talked to his mum and she told me that I was fine, family was supposed to step in and help when needed. I never told him I talked to her but I think I am going to have to. She's a pretty open and straight talking and I believed her when she said it was ok. Maybe she was being polite, I don't know, but I thought I knew her better than that. Mind you, he's projected like this onto his family before and when I talked to them about the things that he said, they denied feeling that way. If they weren't being genuine with me, they're damn good actors.
So, is it really feasible that I stay for another year? No, actually I don't think I can. I don't want to and I don't think we'd cope very well. If I did, the whole situation would have to change to the point where we'd need to live in different houses or something along those lines. I would need to get my own visa based on me working here, rather than me being married here as it currently is. But on the whole, given how he feels about me, I think it's best for me to come home. It's what i need to do anyway, I feel it. It's time.
He said again as he was talking about me and my life skills that he's not saying it to make me feel bad. I feel bad just speaking to him, so I wish he wouldn't say that. At this point, his biggest concern is whether I will be able to teach the kids life skills... and then said that he didn't really have a problem with me teaching them life skills, not really. My educated guess says he was just putting the issue "out there" to discuss and make me aware of his concerns. However, it doesn't bring us any closer to a decision.
We concluded after an hour and a bit. I hopped into bed, wanting to write it all out, but I was just numb. I don't know why, perhaps the onslaught of "here's how bad you are, but I'm not saying it to make you feel bad" thing. So I sat with it for a while, understanding that anyone with feelings would react emotionally, or not. I knew it would pass and it did, the next day.
My heart feels so strongly that the kids should come with me, that I'm better equipped to take care of them at this point in their lives. If it's true, then we'll all end up in Melbourne next year. The kids brithday's are next week and after that, well, decisions need to be made. Just the thought of it makes me a little weak with emotion. My hands are sweaty just writing this little bit about it and I can feel my blood getting hot. If it goes the way it should, I will be ecstatically happy and sad all at once. If it doesn't, I will break and then pick myself up and get through it.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
So? What's the plan?
So asked Mr. S in the last comment. What's the plan? The plan is to continue talking and push to bring the kids back home. That's what i want, it's what i think is best for their future, despite the fact that their father won't be there with them. He can visit, they can visit him. And while they won't see him every day of their lives, they can keep in touch by phone, skype, facebook, whatever.
The plan hasn't changed. My goals have not changed. I'm just sad for my kids that the future will be sad for them but i will do whatever i have to to get them though it.
I need to be home. My instinct is telling me i need to be home and i believe that within six months, i will be. Did i say six months? I meant five.
I have it on good authority that you should trust your instincts. If the worse should happen and the kids want to stay here, well, i will stay too, but not in this situation. I will ask ex to move out to the offic or i will move or something within our situation will change, because i've come to the end of my patience for living like this.
The update from last monday... Well i obviously got over the shitty feelings, as i always do. It passes. I've been reading a lot about gratitude and on that day, when my kids came home from school, i was grateful to have them and i showed them. I spent time with them, i keep my impatience in check and we laughed and played instead.
If ex needs to do this, and by this i mean refrain from talking to me, then that's what he needs to do. I do it too. I avoid him, i talk to my frineds so i don't feel the need to talk to him so much, i go to my lame-o dance lessons not because i love to dance but because it gets me out of the house and for a few hours i don't think about my kids, my home life or anything related to this situation.
So by Tuesday, i was fine. I spent the morning in my own company at home. After a quiet breakfast and a short snooze i got prepared for my new babies playgroup. Three mum's have asked me to take their little 2 year old girls for an hour on a Tuesday morning and i have reluctantly agreed to do so. It's extra pocket money that i'm saving for my ticket home. It wasn't a huge success because one of the babies started crying ( as they do) because she missed her mummy (as they do). Anyway, we'll see how that little caper goes. Later on in the day, i was teaching and after the kids came home from school, i took them swimming, which tired them out so that they didn't have enough energy to play basketball with ex. I hope he doesn't think i did that on purpose, i didn't, though it will be interesting to see if he does. It's been the usual since then, though tonight i have requested that we continue our talks. I find that i need about a week in between talks to really think about and process what has been said.
So here we are. Both kid's birthdays are coming up and i'm a little stressed about it. Ex wants the family to come and i don't really because honestly, we never see them and they don't seem to give a damn about us anyway. Last year i invited them along to share some cake and they said yes, they'd come and then didn't turn up.
Dance class is going really well. I'm actually making some progress in that i can remember a sequence of steps and have some chance of remembering the whole dance, as long as a get enough instruction. I tell you, alvin has the patience of a saint, but he doesn't seem to mind that i don't get it straight away. I like to watch him dance because he's so uninhibited and he knows it so he doesn't mind demonstrating at all. He's great to watch because he has so much fun doing it.
The four of us are getting along quite well now. This week he told me the story of when he was in Perth and he was walking around and thought he'd rest awhile in a bar. He thought it was safe because it was next to a police station (lol) and the bar in question turned out to be a gay bar and when the guys in therentried to hit on him, he went all shy and told them he didn't speak English. I laughed. Such a cute story and yeah right, he didn't know it was a gay bar. So funny. I wonder if he'll actually come out one day.
anyway, it's time to start cooking dinner even tough i don't feel like it at all.
I will post again this week,got to journal the upcoming talk.
Hope you are all well.
The plan hasn't changed. My goals have not changed. I'm just sad for my kids that the future will be sad for them but i will do whatever i have to to get them though it.
I need to be home. My instinct is telling me i need to be home and i believe that within six months, i will be. Did i say six months? I meant five.
I have it on good authority that you should trust your instincts. If the worse should happen and the kids want to stay here, well, i will stay too, but not in this situation. I will ask ex to move out to the offic or i will move or something within our situation will change, because i've come to the end of my patience for living like this.
The update from last monday... Well i obviously got over the shitty feelings, as i always do. It passes. I've been reading a lot about gratitude and on that day, when my kids came home from school, i was grateful to have them and i showed them. I spent time with them, i keep my impatience in check and we laughed and played instead.
If ex needs to do this, and by this i mean refrain from talking to me, then that's what he needs to do. I do it too. I avoid him, i talk to my frineds so i don't feel the need to talk to him so much, i go to my lame-o dance lessons not because i love to dance but because it gets me out of the house and for a few hours i don't think about my kids, my home life or anything related to this situation.
So by Tuesday, i was fine. I spent the morning in my own company at home. After a quiet breakfast and a short snooze i got prepared for my new babies playgroup. Three mum's have asked me to take their little 2 year old girls for an hour on a Tuesday morning and i have reluctantly agreed to do so. It's extra pocket money that i'm saving for my ticket home. It wasn't a huge success because one of the babies started crying ( as they do) because she missed her mummy (as they do). Anyway, we'll see how that little caper goes. Later on in the day, i was teaching and after the kids came home from school, i took them swimming, which tired them out so that they didn't have enough energy to play basketball with ex. I hope he doesn't think i did that on purpose, i didn't, though it will be interesting to see if he does. It's been the usual since then, though tonight i have requested that we continue our talks. I find that i need about a week in between talks to really think about and process what has been said.
So here we are. Both kid's birthdays are coming up and i'm a little stressed about it. Ex wants the family to come and i don't really because honestly, we never see them and they don't seem to give a damn about us anyway. Last year i invited them along to share some cake and they said yes, they'd come and then didn't turn up.
Dance class is going really well. I'm actually making some progress in that i can remember a sequence of steps and have some chance of remembering the whole dance, as long as a get enough instruction. I tell you, alvin has the patience of a saint, but he doesn't seem to mind that i don't get it straight away. I like to watch him dance because he's so uninhibited and he knows it so he doesn't mind demonstrating at all. He's great to watch because he has so much fun doing it.
The four of us are getting along quite well now. This week he told me the story of when he was in Perth and he was walking around and thought he'd rest awhile in a bar. He thought it was safe because it was next to a police station (lol) and the bar in question turned out to be a gay bar and when the guys in therentried to hit on him, he went all shy and told them he didn't speak English. I laughed. Such a cute story and yeah right, he didn't know it was a gay bar. So funny. I wonder if he'll actually come out one day.
anyway, it's time to start cooking dinner even tough i don't feel like it at all.
I will post again this week,got to journal the upcoming talk.
Hope you are all well.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Dumping toxic waste
Could someone out there please just wave their frickin magic wand and get me the hell out of here! That or
If yiou've heard the whinges and rants and raves all before and like me you just can't stand it anymore, please click on one of the lovely links on the right and be inspired instead of being brought down here.
It's horrible here. On the verge of a complete and utter meltdown, the words here are not well written, inspiring, funny witty or even well punctuated. They are dirty, horrible upsetting, angry and toxic. They are unfair, selfish ego driven words that are caustic enough to take the lining off of your brain people, so please just for today, look away - i'm hideous.
Bad thoughts are snarling their way through my neuro pathways, infecting my karma, my movements and my words. I'm angry and wallowing in it like a fat pig in mud. I've taken felling sorry for myself to new heights and even allowed the tears to break through. The 'plan' i so confidently created a while back is in the toilet and will need retrieving.
All because one person is doing what he has to do to save his own sanity. He does not involve himself in conversation with me on any topic, unless i force him too. He doesn't ask questions, give comment, be polite or reciprocate, because if he does, i may lose myself and snap at him. I admit it, sometimes i'm rude, blunt, brusque, tactless, clumsy with words, confusing and inarticulate. I snap, I waiver, i only think from one point of view, i'm timid and on top of that i'm fat and put out a face that loks like death warmed up and he can't stand to look at me.
But i'm human too. i deserve forgiveness. I'm not a bad person and i'm doing my best under some very difficult circumstances. He is too, i really get that. But when he fails or does something completely annoying, i step back and understand. I try to make it better for him,
Not finished yet...back later
If yiou've heard the whinges and rants and raves all before and like me you just can't stand it anymore, please click on one of the lovely links on the right and be inspired instead of being brought down here.
It's horrible here. On the verge of a complete and utter meltdown, the words here are not well written, inspiring, funny witty or even well punctuated. They are dirty, horrible upsetting, angry and toxic. They are unfair, selfish ego driven words that are caustic enough to take the lining off of your brain people, so please just for today, look away - i'm hideous.
Bad thoughts are snarling their way through my neuro pathways, infecting my karma, my movements and my words. I'm angry and wallowing in it like a fat pig in mud. I've taken felling sorry for myself to new heights and even allowed the tears to break through. The 'plan' i so confidently created a while back is in the toilet and will need retrieving.
All because one person is doing what he has to do to save his own sanity. He does not involve himself in conversation with me on any topic, unless i force him too. He doesn't ask questions, give comment, be polite or reciprocate, because if he does, i may lose myself and snap at him. I admit it, sometimes i'm rude, blunt, brusque, tactless, clumsy with words, confusing and inarticulate. I snap, I waiver, i only think from one point of view, i'm timid and on top of that i'm fat and put out a face that loks like death warmed up and he can't stand to look at me.
But i'm human too. i deserve forgiveness. I'm not a bad person and i'm doing my best under some very difficult circumstances. He is too, i really get that. But when he fails or does something completely annoying, i step back and understand. I try to make it better for him,
Not finished yet...back later
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Ambivalence
Sometimes, like this morning, I wake up and think "I just can't do this". I can't break their hearts like this.
Last night, as I was working, ex took the kids to play basketball at the little court down the road. My son shot his first ever hoop. He was so proud of himself. This morning over breakfast, he was beaming about it. They've been playing there for a couple of weeks now and ex is teaching him to throw and bounce and do stuff that does not come naturally to him. He's not the sporting kind, my boy, so to shoot a goal is a big deal.
Over the past few months, ex has been the good father I knew he could always be. If I'm busy, he takes them to dinner, plays with them, teaches them about life stuff, takes one for a day every weekend and they generally have a great time together. I, on the other hand have to do all the shitty, boring stuff - get them to eat their vegetables, make them shower, do homework with them, stop them fighting and killing each other and make them do chores. Not fun, but necessary.
In the meantime, ex gets all the good bits and I see how they've bonded with him now. I see how they love to spend time with him. I see how naturally comfortable they are when my daughter leans into him when they're sitting on the couch pouring over something on the iPad. I see how my son lights up and gets so excited when ex comes home from the office. But most of all, it's clear how much they are going to miss him if this all pans out "my way".
This is what I don't know how to deal with. To wrench them away from a life they know and for the most part, love. I've worked hard to help them make friends, to be comfortable, to deal with their homework and most of all, to create a life where they can have the best of both their parents.
It just seems wrong to wrench them away from it. And if, and when I do, I will be the bad guy once again and they will be angry and they will hate me.
Last night, as I was working, ex took the kids to play basketball at the little court down the road. My son shot his first ever hoop. He was so proud of himself. This morning over breakfast, he was beaming about it. They've been playing there for a couple of weeks now and ex is teaching him to throw and bounce and do stuff that does not come naturally to him. He's not the sporting kind, my boy, so to shoot a goal is a big deal.
Over the past few months, ex has been the good father I knew he could always be. If I'm busy, he takes them to dinner, plays with them, teaches them about life stuff, takes one for a day every weekend and they generally have a great time together. I, on the other hand have to do all the shitty, boring stuff - get them to eat their vegetables, make them shower, do homework with them, stop them fighting and killing each other and make them do chores. Not fun, but necessary.
In the meantime, ex gets all the good bits and I see how they've bonded with him now. I see how they love to spend time with him. I see how naturally comfortable they are when my daughter leans into him when they're sitting on the couch pouring over something on the iPad. I see how my son lights up and gets so excited when ex comes home from the office. But most of all, it's clear how much they are going to miss him if this all pans out "my way".
This is what I don't know how to deal with. To wrench them away from a life they know and for the most part, love. I've worked hard to help them make friends, to be comfortable, to deal with their homework and most of all, to create a life where they can have the best of both their parents.
It just seems wrong to wrench them away from it. And if, and when I do, I will be the bad guy once again and they will be angry and they will hate me.
Monday, August 1, 2011
incredible dysfunction
A very long time ago, two people walked into a store in the middle of the city. Arm in arm, they proceeded to look at the opals on display. They were buying a small present for a treasured, but difficult, family member overseas. The lady behind the counter looked at them and smiled, asking them if they'd been together for a long time. They happily and almost proudly told her that they had - this was their 5th year together. She replied that she could tell. They seemed comfortable together. The girl smiled as the boy tightened his grip around her waist. They made a purchase and moved on, secure that their relationship would last a lifetime.
21 years later those same two people no longer think the best of each other. In fact, they think the absolute worst of each other and it's heartbreaking. The man I used to love thinks that in my head I berate him constantly, for every little thing that he does. And he in turn, berates me and thinks the worst of me.
The dysfunction that has embedded itself in both our psyches is soul destroying and it was during our recent talk that the complete awfulness of it all revealed itself. He told me that when he saw me looking at his bag and with THAT look on my face (the "someone has died" look), he thought that I was berating his choice to take some toilet paper from home to the office. I was really thinking "oh, he needs toilet paper" and that was all. He really thinks I give a shit about whether he takes dunny paper from home to his office. It's that small. He had me thinking all sorts of really bad things about him in his own head. He doesn't give me any sort of credit about the progress I've made and so I'm just the same screwed up person doing the same screwed up things that I did long ago.
Hearing him tell me about what he thought I was thinking really brought home how dysfunctional he is. He told me he knows I think he goes out drinking at night when in fact he's at the office working because he can't sleep. I do think he goes out drinking but it's his choice to do that. He's free to live his life the way he wants to and I try not to judge him on it. If he wants to take substances, again, his choice. Of course, I bitch about it here but I've long passed the point where I wake up at night wondering what he's up to because he hasn't come home yet (still does happen on occasion but there's no anger).
This morning we tried to organise sharing the car. He asked if I needed it, then when I said yes, pulled a face, like I was trying to be difficult. He says it's just a yes/no question but his actions make it seem otherwise. Then when we were driving out to the office he's humming those inane songs (let it be and something else). The humming is driving me nuts. To me it says "you are so difficult to deal with, I have to hum these stupid inane songs just to keep from losing my sanity around you". Now of course, I don't know if I'm right... but oh, it's all so confusing. I kept telling myself "It's his problem, you've done nothing wrong".
The judging on both parts, the assumptions, putting words and thoughts in each other's heads, the insanity of it all. Horrible and not a healthy way to live.
Sometimes, only sometimes, I consider staying for another year but then I remember this bullshit and I know for sure, I have to get out of here.
I need to be away from this man, this man who I loved once and who I thought loved me.
I've got to be around people who trust me and like me. Who don't take my every move personally.
Tonight will be interesting. I'm thinking of my sister, who's friend passed away unexpectedly. Always sad. Such a shock. I only knew her from a distance but I'm still sad for her that she won't see her little boy grow up and her boy has lost his mummy. So, so tragic. She was a nice, cheery person. The doctors missed her illness until it was too late.
So tonight, ex, when I "look like someone has died" it's fucking true and it's not all about you.
21 years later those same two people no longer think the best of each other. In fact, they think the absolute worst of each other and it's heartbreaking. The man I used to love thinks that in my head I berate him constantly, for every little thing that he does. And he in turn, berates me and thinks the worst of me.
The dysfunction that has embedded itself in both our psyches is soul destroying and it was during our recent talk that the complete awfulness of it all revealed itself. He told me that when he saw me looking at his bag and with THAT look on my face (the "someone has died" look), he thought that I was berating his choice to take some toilet paper from home to the office. I was really thinking "oh, he needs toilet paper" and that was all. He really thinks I give a shit about whether he takes dunny paper from home to his office. It's that small. He had me thinking all sorts of really bad things about him in his own head. He doesn't give me any sort of credit about the progress I've made and so I'm just the same screwed up person doing the same screwed up things that I did long ago.
Hearing him tell me about what he thought I was thinking really brought home how dysfunctional he is. He told me he knows I think he goes out drinking at night when in fact he's at the office working because he can't sleep. I do think he goes out drinking but it's his choice to do that. He's free to live his life the way he wants to and I try not to judge him on it. If he wants to take substances, again, his choice. Of course, I bitch about it here but I've long passed the point where I wake up at night wondering what he's up to because he hasn't come home yet (still does happen on occasion but there's no anger).
This morning we tried to organise sharing the car. He asked if I needed it, then when I said yes, pulled a face, like I was trying to be difficult. He says it's just a yes/no question but his actions make it seem otherwise. Then when we were driving out to the office he's humming those inane songs (let it be and something else). The humming is driving me nuts. To me it says "you are so difficult to deal with, I have to hum these stupid inane songs just to keep from losing my sanity around you". Now of course, I don't know if I'm right... but oh, it's all so confusing. I kept telling myself "It's his problem, you've done nothing wrong".
The judging on both parts, the assumptions, putting words and thoughts in each other's heads, the insanity of it all. Horrible and not a healthy way to live.
Sometimes, only sometimes, I consider staying for another year but then I remember this bullshit and I know for sure, I have to get out of here.
I need to be away from this man, this man who I loved once and who I thought loved me.
I've got to be around people who trust me and like me. Who don't take my every move personally.
Tonight will be interesting. I'm thinking of my sister, who's friend passed away unexpectedly. Always sad. Such a shock. I only knew her from a distance but I'm still sad for her that she won't see her little boy grow up and her boy has lost his mummy. So, so tragic. She was a nice, cheery person. The doctors missed her illness until it was too late.
So tonight, ex, when I "look like someone has died" it's fucking true and it's not all about you.
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