The hardest thing, by far, I've ever had to do, is to accept my situation. The days that I can't accept it, are by far the worst. These are the black days.
I have to accept that my behaviour in the past has damaged him in ways that can't be undone. Even his family have noticed the difference in him. I have done this and I can't change it back. Nothing I do can make it up to him. I always say if only you'd let me make it up to you, things would get better.
I have to accept that he feels like I gave up on our family when I left. The rage that this created in him means that he will never forgive me for going back. I abandoned him and our family. I gave up and washed my hands of the whole situation. Going back (4 months last year), is turning out to be the worst decision I'd ever made, no matter what personal gain I got from it. Now our family is firmly divided into two parts - him and our daughter, me and our son. Every time he talks of dissolving our situation, he says for me to take my son and go. but I can't. I can't leave my daughter no matter how hard it gets for me. I'm her only mother and I need to be here for her.
I have to accept that he will never love me again - ever. :(
I have to accept that I will never have the chance to make it up to him, no matter how hard it try, because of his pain, it will never be enough.
I have to accept, that because of our past experiences together, his perception of me will never change - I will always be our children's crazy mother.
I have to accept that he treats me the way he does because of his past experience with me and no matter how unfair I think that is, that IS the way it will be.
Maybe tonight will be the night that I can accept all of this. If I cry enough and get out all the emotion, maybe I'll be left flat, with no other option but to accept that what is, will be. Cross fingers that my brain will take all this in.
3 comments:
Oh Jo, that's a heartbreaking post if ever I read one.
Acceptance is good, as is understanding how you got to your current situation, but blaming yourself for everything is not. Whatever happened in the past, the way your almost ex deals with it is his choice.
May yor situation get better, and soon.
Thankyou inc, yes it is his choice but I feel so responsible. I hope it gets better soon too.
jo i agree with inc, heartbreaking. but i think you have to start to see that it's not just you. it can't be. ever. it's always more complicated than that.
also, there is hope for him to feel differently about you. no, it won't go back to how it was, we can't go back, but there may come a time when he looks at you and feels respect for you, and admiration, and thanks.
recently princess's father thanked me for being such a great mother to his daughter. you have no idea what that meant to me. and this from a man who made me feel so worthless and alone at one stage, and hopeless and pathetic and weak and low.
so, it can happen. but it's up to you to become the sort of person you would feel like that about.
easy to say, yes, hard to do. i'm trying to do it for myself as well, and it's so hard.
grrr.
xxx
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