Things are positive...still. My mind is stable and satisfied that I'm doing my part to contribute to our house, that I'm teaching and that I'm still working to keep myself on the even keel I seem to have established for myself.
Ex and I talk almost everyday and there's no tension if we don't. We still maintain a separate life but we're starting to share stuff that we weren't before - where did you go, who did you see, what happened....etc, etc. He's even ventured forward and asked me to help him with a few little things and has talked about and asked my opinion on his latest venture - managing a pub.
Yes, tech-head ex, a programmer by self-education, is going to manage a bar. Though he's never managed before, he has a managerial way about him, so no problem there. When we were together, I often wished for him to treat our relationship more like a relationship and less like a business. And he's no stranger to the bar scene - indeed, he's spent many nights there with his mates drinking it up and doing 'god knows what else'. Let's not go there, shall we.
He has good start up conditions, a fairly low lease cost, a 'boss' that he can pass trouble onto should it arise - as can be expected in this trade. He also has a lot of good will here - big drinking friends who can bring friends and clients in and his brother is a well-respected lawyer who has his own set of connections with the 'right' people. Ex's boss owns the karaoke bar two shops away and will send his customers over when it's time to close and they don't want to go home.
We ran into the 'boss' last night, at the shoe shop of all places. We were all together buying Daughter some running shoes when he walked in and ex introduced us. Co-incidentally it was the same day that I'd told ex he should introduce us because 'as his wife' I should know some of the people in his life so that when they look at me in public (and I get lots of looks and it's not because I'm pretty - I'm not), I know to look back and smile - lovely 'wife' that I am!!! I know, I know, our separation is still not public here, but there's not a thing I can do about it - I do tell my friends though!
So things seem to be in favour of ex opening up this bar. Good conditions, connections and three celebratory seasons in a row (Christmas, the calender New Year, and Chinese New Year). He has work to do though and is wondering whether he's able to pull it off. For the first time in his life, I've heard him doubt himself, wondering if he has the strength and motivation to do this. It will be a good test for him, help him get some of his confidence back. I know he can do it, but he's got to get off his arse and do the leg work - make deals with the beer distributors, employ the girls who serve the beer and tend to the customers, clean the place up and get the music going and schmooze people so they will come along and drink at his bar.
The schmoozing part will come easy to him because he knows how people work - what makes them tick, what makes them feel good so they'll keep coming back. He can be anything to anyone, which is why I've always had a hard time figuring him out. Now, of all times, I'm starting to learn more about how he works and thinks. Quite fascinating really - these are things I missed before because our relationship was always about how I felt - which of course is why it was a huge failure. So seeing him work from a distance, how he handles problems, deals with people etc when I'm not in the way, will be a good experience. I can't wait to see him - fail or succeed - but I want to see him from the outside to get a better view of who I married - and what I lost.
I hope he does well. I want the best for him because he's had to go through so much with me. I can see him working hard at it too. Another first for me is seeing him reading the self-help books, listening to the motivation talks to get himself in the right frame of mind. I feel proud for him that he's recognised that he has to do these things for himself because he needs it to help him. And he's sharing this stuff with me. He's talking about it, giving me the mp3 files, asking me my opinion - where we are now is so much better than whatever we had before. It's civil, friendly and supportive - a good place to be.
Of course I think about this stuff now and oh...the regrets, the huge regrets. Honestly, I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it all. We were both saying yesterday, what a waste our 20's and 30's were. If only I had known.
But I didn't. Now I do. And now that I do, I will do better. Good luck ex. I'm behind you all the way with whatever you want to do, to try and make up for the past. If it goes some way to doing that, great, but if it doesn't, never mind. I'll still be here.
Cheers
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