The weekend

Woke on Friday morning and ex had already left for his weekend away. The envious feelings came and went, the slight anger came and went and I got on with the day (I'm envious because I can't just get up and leave when I need a break). Drove son to school, then realised I hadn't called my mother in law to wish her a good trip. She and my sis in law are in Taiwan for the next 18 days. They asked me to go along, but it didn't seem to be my kind of thing and now that I'm teaching english, there are a whole load of committments to consider. Anyway, I couldn't be away from the kids for 18 days - they need me and I need them. 18 days is too long.

Friday night had to take the kids along to work because there was no-one else to look after them - I didn't want to leave them at my inlaws because only my brother in law was there with his kids and I don't trust his supervision - he sleeps at odd times and the kids are left to themselves. The other issue here is that ex and I promised each other we would never leave the kids with a male babysitter, no matter who it was. I know that sounds unreasonable, but my experience says it's not. Enough said. I will not put my daughter (and son, I guess) at risk like that. Ever.

We finished up Friday night OK. I didn't really have to do much because half the kids I teach are on holidays so my friend K and I combined the class and she ended up doing most of the teaching. I felt a bit guilty about it because that meant she did most of the work, but she insisted. She knows this class is going to finish soon because most of the kids are going to Form one and the curriculum we teach is not appropriate for them, so she's working toward combining the kids that are left anyway.

I noticed too that the students looked tired. They study all day, go to tuition classes in their free time and don't really have much time to themselves. And they've been doing this for a few years already. It's always study, study, study. Most parents here are hell bent on having their kids get good grades because the amount of A's they get in Grade 6 determines which high school they will be able to attend. So all the smart kids go to one or two schools and all the others go somewhere else. It's a strange schooling system here and not one I necessarily agree with.

Saturday the kids and I hung around home and I got an urge to re-arrange the kids room. That took most of the day, what with culling the toys and all. Created a space for them to do homework next year and sorted their books and remaining toys. We've got so much good stuff to give away. I'm giving it to a charity home that I visited with my mother in law a few months ago, where they called me 'sister [my name]' and I felt strange hearing that. They are lovely, charitable, big hearted people who take care of about 25 people in all, some elderly and about 10 are kids, the youngest being about 4. I've got some of my son's toys, a bike and some clothes for him. He was a real cutie. Must get there before Christmas.

So the room looks good, nice and tidy, much more open now that I've moved everything around. The kids and I cooked pasta for dinner and I let them make the garlic bread - they mixed garlic seasoning with marg and spread it on 'the long bread' - a surpristingly nice french loaf, bought from Giant supermarket. It turned out good. We played some games after dinner, showered and they went to bed around 11pm, though son had a headache and a slight fever. We do have a nice relaxed time when ex is away, the three of us. I saw a thing on Oprah that says that the closeness parents want to have with their older kids doesn't start when the kids are teenagers, it starts when they are very young, like 4 or 5 years old. I hope that's true, because we three are very close.

I was a bit angry at ex on Saturday morning because I'd asked him to cancel the cleaners and he didn't tell me if he did or not. About a month ago we'd gone away for the day and I was supposed to remind him to cancel and I forgot and they didn't like that much. So this time I made sure I told him. After he'd left I realised that I didn't know if he cancelled or not, so tried to message him and ring him. No answer, his phone went straight to voice mail. That means he's turned his phone off (and doesn't want me to contact him) or he's left the country - not hard to do since Singapore and Indonesia are within shouting distance, but I wish he'd be straight with me so I know what's going on - I hate being left in the dark and it's so, I don't know, secretive, which I can really set me off because it means that he doesn't trust me - or some bullshit like that. That horrible feeling of being abandoned came and sat around for a few hours, my mind running here and there, thinking about the possibilities. It's not as strong as it used to be though and I coped with it OK.

This morning son woke up feeling really off. Aches and pains and a high fever. I gave him panadol and took him into bed with me for a while. After he'd gotten up he started vomiting and wasn't able to keep any water or panadol down. His temp hit 40, so I was a bit worried. I think he's got a mosquito borne virus. I remember he got a mosquito bite on the ankle a few days ago and at the time I thought "oh no, hope that doesn't turn into something nasty'. Lots of people have been coming down with this virus, which, though it's not as bad as dengue fever or malaria, is still not pleasant. The only thing I can do for him is to keep him comfortable and give him lots of fluids etc. Poor thing, he was so hot. Tonight he's doing better. He slept nearly all day and has managed some food and two more doses of panadol. We'll go see Dr Foo tomorrow.

Ex came back at around 9.30, stayed awake for about an hour. Didn't say much. He's usually a bit dazed when he comes back, like he's had a really heavy weekend. Around 10.30, he went to bed. Probably the thing I resent the most about him going away is that he's away for 3 whole days and when he comes back he's still not available to do anything because he's so wiped out. It's just not reponsible parenting. And of course, yes, he's doing whatever because he know's I'll take care of the kids, so I feel like he's taking advantage of our situation. I guess the only thing I can say to that is "oh well, if you want to live like that it's your choice" and walk away. There's no point fighting about it, no point bringing it up really. If I believe that what goes around, comes around, then doing this will not fare well for him in the future.

On the other hand, I honestly believe that the work I'm putting in now is laying the foundation for our (me and the kids) future together in 3 years. Be a good mother, be stable, be consistent, have routine, don't get angry, be nice, be there for them, take care of their father when need be and most of all, believe in myself, do what needs to be done. If I can do all that, and I know I can, then the laws of attraction say that I should get a favorable outcome. I wouldn't bet my life on it, but here's hoping.

In the meantime, there is only now and that's what I live for - the 'now'.