This is a dump post and probably of no interest to anyone but myself. The therapist who 'cured' me said that if I expect moods to happen, they will. No surprise there, except that I hadn't thought that I actually expected them to happen. I did and still do. Trying to change that.
Am writing this through the veil of a mood now. I wonder how it will read - not very well I expect.
The reason for the mood is that the electricity bill came today and it was a shocker. Over $600 Ringgit. Normally it's about 400 ringgit. Of course, ex and I were both shocked. Who's to blame for this one? Me. Always me. I leave lights on, fans, my computer is on all day, and I occasionally leave the aircon on. Am I the only one living here? No I'm not. Am I the only one leaving electric things on? Again, no I'm not. But it's my fault. Fuck I hate that.
Of course now this mood is colouring all sorts of things and twisting horrible things all through my mind. It's a struggle to see through this most awful of filters. For instance, ex has someone with him at the moment, a guy he's doing work with. Normally I wouldn't care, but for some reason, right now, it's bothering me. I can't ask him who it is, why he's here nor what they are doing together and I hate that. My mind tells me that I have a right to know who is in my house and he's a bastard for not telling me. Last week, I went to talk to ex and found this guy there sitting behind his computer - ex was there too - but somehow, for some reason, I was upset that I didn't know this person was here. I think it's reasonable - it is my space too afterall, my safe space and I don't want it 'violated', so to speak, though I think that's too strong a word for it.
I just don't want other people here when I don't know about it. It makes me uncomfortable. And in this mood I'm in now, it's magnifying this issue to no end - I could cry about it.
In other matters, my Dad is due to come out of hospital tomorrow. I'm glad for him. He'll be able to sleep well and sit back in his chair, watch his own tv and mum will cook for him. I wish I was there with him. Enough said, before the mood takes over this issue as well.
Yesterday's trip to KL was so successful, it made me wish we were still living there. I got meat, new bathers, shoes for my daughter at half the price I was going to pay here and even managed to buy some new pants to replace my old fat pants which I've been holding up with a belt since I lost weight. The new pants look so much better - no more baggy bum at the back and you can see my legs which now look like legs instead of tree trunks.
Now I've got to work hard to get over this mood. I've got to teach tonight and I don't want ex to think he's had to pay any price for bringing us out yesterday. So to the xanax I go and a hot shower.
Remember negative emotions are not your friends.
4 comments:
Hello to all.
I remain fascinated that you can be “cured” over the internet.
Not sure what you were “cured” of though. I can understand the sensitive dark periods; I also tried to empathise with those darkest emotional times, although I am less eager to treat these times as a disease.
My feeling is that there are very emotional circumstances that would place the most mentally secure person under enormous pressure.
Two thoughts….
• Did you ever reflect on that amazing transformation (cure?) that also occurred when you were here on holidays?
• Is it also possible that the cure was simply a qualified independent person saying you are doing some things right rather than what you perceived as constant carping criticism?
Unsure about these thoughts above we just want you feeling better about yourself and I really do not care how that happens.
What a wonderful amount of trust we place in our energy bill readers.
Here in Oz many of these meter readers struggle with all but the most mundane tasks. These jobs here are being replaced by machines due to the nature of the mistakes when reading the meters.
It would be interesting to know if the meter reading was correct this time or if it was a number of mistakes with previous “estimates” such as occurs here.
Here when they cannot gain access to a property, dogs, locks etc (even running late) they estimate. I know of a house in Seaholme that has not had a meter read (they have four) for two years and they still get bills. Another house in Murchison has not even had a bill for 10 years. When this switchboard is changed over next month there will be a surprise for someone.
Three things will happen when the meters at Seaholme are actually read, that good guesses were made and nothing is noticed, bad guesses were made and money is owed and that money can be in the thousands of dollars.
Re your dad.
My initial thoughts were that the doctors knowing “that he was well enough to go home” while holding himself together must surely be an indictment on the Health system.
They kept him in hospital waiting for certain things to happen and ticking them off one at a time as they occurred. It was still ok to go home though when the stiches came apart and he was bleeding one hour before he leaves?
Hmmm, I wondered about that. Still it had given us an issue to talk and laugh about when your phone call arrived.
I had meant to comment that had he been a private patient they may have used stronger thread.
Best wishes to all.
I'm fascinated too, that I can be 'cured' in such a short amount of time. However, I think that your second thought is correct - a qualified independent person was saying I was doing the right thing.
You were there for me in the darkest of times, right after I got back in 07 and I could never thank you enough for that. And I think this blog also helped - the comments and support from the people that comment here did more for me than they could ever know.
As for being 'cured', I put marks around it because I'm not at all sure that I was 'cured' as such. I think she just validated me and that was all I needed. I did reflect on how I changed when I was at home and concluded that the emotional connection and love from all of you helped me build my inner self up immensely. I just don't get that emotional support here. And at home, I can make the sort of life for myself that I really want and move on from this 'situation' - from here that's very hard to do and I've accepted that it's not possible until I'm out of here.
I'm not transformed either, I'm still me. I just don't let the moods get too bad if I can help it.
We are a reflection of our immediate anvironment. Where we are living. You are struggling with an environment that is still foreign (or dare I say hostil) to you, it does not matter how long you live there, it is still not the environment you grew up in and may have expected to continue living in.
Mr Scorpio has scooped the pool with his insight on all counts.
We just want you feeling better about yourself and I really do not care how that happens.
Life is throwing you lemons and you are making the best lemonade you know how.
Don't we all just love our actions to be validated by an independant professional. I am lucky i have one as a best friend, cuts out lots of bills.
Not to be rude but we told you first, so does that mean we cured you or are you just being a naughty girl and not listening to you elders (or as I was told when I was much younger My betters).
You just need to know one thing, that is that we love you Unconditionally. Regardless of where you are or what you are doing you are a part of me and our family, we are flesh and blood from the same Gene pool, you will never be alone even if you want to be because we share to much of what makes us who we are. This also means your children. Scary huh.
Anyway Mr Scorpio awsome read
Catch you later Jo
Pete,
Thanks, and yes, you did tell me first, all of you. But I need to hear it many times, from other people to make it sink in because I've spent many years thinking and hearing that I'm not ok. And I do know that my family continues to love me, unconditionally.
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