Yesterday
Here I am again, a mind literally driving me crazy. It's homorne week which never helps, even though that's not the sole cause. I don't know how I got here, I only know that it's completely distressing and every bad thing that ever happended to me will come up and I will feel the emotions all over again. The hate, the anger, the resentment all. over. again. Things go around in my brain distracting me to no end. I forget things too, like this morning I could have sworn I'd packed my daughter's homework into her bag, yet when I got back home after dropping her off at school, I found those books laying on my bed.
What if I'm like this at home, when ex is not there to pick up the slack. What if I really am crazy - it feels that way and I know that it's exacerbated here, but still. What if it's not the situation that making me spiral, but it's me. What am I going to do with my kids. What if I give 'it' to them. My daughter already has 'swirls and whirls" going around in her head when she's upset. What if ex decides that I can't cope and asks me to leave or at the end of all this, he says I still want one child. What is he going to do with that child? Is he going to to leave them at his brother's when he goes away? Is he going to sleep for hours in the afternoon while that child plays by itself around the house? What if.... so many what if's. Last night my daughter came into my room and I was crying a bit. I know every psychologist in the world will tell you that young kids shouldn't see their parents cry, not this crying anyway. But she does and has before. I try to hide it, but sometimes I don't succeed and the guilt that comes with that is overwhelming. What if I screw her up because she thinks she needs to take care of her mother, what if she ends up feeling responsible for me? What if it ties her down and she doesn't get to do what she really wants? I know I can't think of that now, but these are the questions that drive me mad.
Last night he went to go out for supper and I was already feeling stressed and when he said he was going out I almost cried. I couldn't help it. I didn't want him to go out, but I didn't feel like I could ask him to stay home either. I told him, a little less than gently, just to go, don't buy into the behaviour, I can't be like this so just go. He went. I wanted to say, I can't do this, I need comforting, I need someone to stay with me and talk to me. But now, that is not his role and I've just got to suck it up.Fuck you!
I miss having a partner so much. Because even though our relationship was so bad, I still remember good times when I could count on him to make me feel better. There were times when I felt we connected. But now, nothing. When I see him sitting at his desk, which he does alot, it looks so easy for him. He can just sit there and read news, play games or go to sleep whenever he wants to. And sometimes it's like nothing else exists for him - take it or leave it, come and go when you want to. There's no obligation for him to cook, clean or be there for the kids. If he wants to, he goes away and takes whatever work he's doing with him. There seems to be no ties for him. If he wants to go out all night and come home the next morning then sleep all day, he does. To my mind, though not to his, he has the easy part. Do whatever, with whoever, whenever he wants.
Soemtimes I just feel like taking off, going where I want to go. Maybe take a trip around the world, going to see the things that I want to see. I want to see New York, the Northern lights at the top of the world, Adam Lambert in concert (missed Elvis, so Adam'll have to do), Canada, Austria and a few others. Famous stuff, famous paintings. I want to go scuba diving. Am I going to see those things, probably not, not while I'm stuck here in this hole anyway.
Even through all the shit, I can see that I'm not going to be here forever. Things will change, as they always do, but I swear, these three years are going to be the longest of my life and I feel like I should make the most of them, but these moods, they have a life of their own sometimes and they take over and make the worst out of everything. It always surprises me that I can be so good, so functional on one day and the next day, even though the situation is exactly the same, I'm a train wreck. The human psyche is an amazing (ly unstable) thing.
So, here I sit, at the other end of my emotional ride. The rollercoaster has come to a stop, perhaps to pick up more baggage and send me on another ride later. Maybe ex will look at me in a certain way or I'll see something on tv and it will start all over again. I've cancelled my classes because I thought I'd be on xanax and unable to teach, so now I have the whole afternoon to myself. I'm hungry but can't decide what to eat. Maybe I won't eat perhaps a sleep is in order. Or some tv. Maybe not.
My friend, who's going through the aftermath of breaking up with her husband and is in the throes of thinking 'how did I not see this?' put it so well when she said of my situation "gee, I've got my friends with me to help me, but all you've got is your phonecalls, nothing else.'
Yep! But wait, I do have my blog still and my lovely internet friends.
6 comments:
Jo I wrote a heartfelt reply and then deleted the lot.
What I originally wrote was potentially not satisfactory as far as resolving any issues.
This now deleted, non reply, failed any real test I placed on myself.
Whatever I seemed to write, however I manipulated those words they remained inadequate on virtually every level.
I (we?) clearly understand your decision to stay there as a “family” unit and as such it will remain extremely difficult for you to cope virtually alone.
This is me still attempting to put into words something useful and failing my Scorpio measures.
Sorry Jo as I still feel this post cannot be helping as I would wish.
I trust others here are able to better empathise and assist with the results of your very considered decision to remain.
Yes I do understand why you made your decision and desperately hope your frustrations are becoming less frequent and easier to overcome without constant self medication.
I have not given up though and I know you will not.
Here are my best wishes on behalf of all I am sure.
Mr S, you don't realise how much you've helped me. Have always helped me, so don't feel inadequate, because you are far from it. When women talk like I do on the blog, we don't want solutions, at least I don't, because I know the solution is out of reach at the moment. I just need to vent. What I'm saying is, please don't feel bad that you can't help because just by being there you are, even though that may seem illogical to your 'Scorpio man-mind'.
To the frustrations, they are fewer and further between and I do get over them much more quickly now. True, they are as intense as you read them here, but they ALWAYS pass. And on the whole, I'm really OK with the decisions I've made. I know I've hurt some people and they are angry, but I needed to make some hard decisions - decisions that no-one else can judge because they are not me and they don't see what I see nor feel what I feel. I accept the mood swings as a part of my life now and deal with them when they come up, a stance which ex has also taken. When they come, we both have a hand in calming me down. The medication is down to minimal - only xanax, a very light dose, the smallest available and only when really necessary.
Thankyou for writing to me and please know (and I think you do) that I cherish every word from you and the others here.
Hugs.
Jo Unlike Mr S I cannot think of any thing usfull to say so I wont say anything. I do however have one piece of advice which you may or may not wish to take on board. There is an old saying that a healthy body will help keep a mind healthy. Believe it or not i am finding at this stage in my life, the more i look after my body trying to keep it fit and healthy, the easier my mind finds it to focus on sulutions to problems and cope with stresfull issues. Not that they dont happen but i recover much qicker from my own meltdowns only to see how trivial and silly I have been.
Sorry for rambling on just get fit girl let that strong Reivers body look after you if you let it.
Ramblings of a soon to be 50 year old
Here I am sitting in the cold considering your blog reply. (small delay while I turn on the heater).
I had the pleasure of playing tennis today with V. It was absolutely the worst day with strong winds and a typically cold Melbourne winters day (global cooling).
Guess who V and I spoke about during the breaks?
She now has some phone cards so I anticipate her calling you once she manages to get the kids into bed some nights.
Now that is the best subtle introduction Mr Scorpio can make before passing some comments on your blog reply.
In particular I refer to “solutions that you being a woman don’t need”.
I nearly fell over reading that confirmation.
When I (male) write about “womens problems” I have women lining up outside my house with bats. Ok the bats are nice and match the furnishings, little doily type things on them, obviously neat but they are still bats.
If I wrote that “women ask a question but don’t listen to the answers” those women would have stormed the house!
Silly me being a man, when an unrelated woman postulates something (being a man) I am still stupid enough after all these years to attempt a considered answer.
This of course does NOT apply to our wives! Once married for 30 plus years we are forced by evolution into change.
Now when K or L ask a question we commonly do not reply.
Just for you I pose the question (NO ANSWER REQUIRED) “could it be are actually listening intently and just exist in a state of constant fear and nervousness”?
No forget the question…… I can now let all women know that your dad sleeping in his chair is not simply a comfortable position near the heater. It is a typical 30 year married, male self defence mechanism, adopted by many men under the guise that we have been working hard.
We men know that after 30 years of marriage there is no answer to the wifes’ question.
“Men and woman are different” now there is a surprise!
Actually I am not sure that I am allowed to even think that in todays’ artificial PC world.
Cheers Jo, keep smiling (and fit)
Thanks Pete, I know I should exercise and I did say I'd try it, but I'm making a thousand excuses not to do it and really, I think I'm getting more unfit by the day. MUST. DO. EXERCISE. In Australia, I have no problems in this area, in fact I was the fittest I'd been in years just before I came over, thanks to Pilates and a dedicated instructor. But I will keep trying to come up with a solution to this. Exercise is just horribly uncomfortable here (another excuse).
Interesting reply Mr S and it did make me smile. Women and men are different, no denying that. I used to think we could be the same, but now I'm convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt, the we are and always will be different. And when I visit you in December, I'll be sure to watch out for those women with bats. Thanks.
Sorry Guys I have just read Mr S reply and after only 6 years less married than he i cannot stop laughing how the same life is for men in certain areas.
Love you Jo
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