I've been waiting to write all week, but the time never seemed to be right, always had something else to do, been too tired, hot, shitty blah, blah. But now seems right. Ex is watching 'man tv' (band of brothers), the kids are doing homework, Adam Lambert's playing in the background.

It's again been a week of ups and downs, interspersed with longish periods of 'normality' - I suppose it's the same for anybody's life isn't it? It struck me this week, that when it comes time to leave this place, it will be difficult. For first few years here, everything has seemed so temporary, like I was going to leave any minute. But, now I've grown attached to the people here, the people in my normal life who see me as me, someone competent and normal, which is so different from how ex (still) sees me at times.

My friends here (and indeed, online) have really been a saving grace and I don't take that lightly. For the first two and a half years here, I felt conspicuously invisible - everyone noticed me but I didn't really say much to other people. Now though, I know whole families and I care about them. I adore their kids and those kids are in my thoughts even when they are not with me. I like the parents and sometimes we talk and laugh together. We get invited to people's places which is really something new for us. People aren't as afraid to speak to me as they were before - even the cashiers at Giant ask me how the children are and why am I shopping alone today. So much as I want to come home, leaving will be hard. On the other hand, as my girlfriend pointed out to me, I have many things to look forward to, whereas she is "stuck here in this god-forsaken town"

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This week ex and I were talking about how we appear to our kids in the things we do. We were talking about having a clean house because the kids and I have taken to tidying up just before supper to make sure the house doesn't get too messy. Kids will do what we do we agreed, not what we say. My kids see me lying down a lot, ex pointed out to me. I nap in the afternoon, I lie down to watch tv and read, so yes, I am horizontal for a number of daylight hours, but so is he. In the evening, when the kids come home, he's almost always asleep and even sometimes in the afternoon as well. This is what I can't stand about him sometimes. He can be such a hypocrite. And as he was so deftly pointing this out to me, I gamely took the opportunity to tell him that the kids notice that he sleeps - a lot. He took it well and listened to what I had to say, which was refreshing for a change. I never usually feel comfortable telling him about his own behaviour - I never have, even though he's never had trouble telling me.


Tonight my poor son dropped the box of biscuits on the kitchen floor and couldn't come and ask me for help because he was worried I'd get very angry at him. I have been on edge this week and I still have those moments with the kids when I seemingly get angry for no reason. I wish I didn't have that underlying anger within because it's so destructive. I'm going to try harder to not get angry at them, even when they're driving me crazy, but I know it's not reasonable to expect no anger from me, but I will try. I don't want to create a situation with them where they feel they can't come to me because of how I'll react, which is actually what's already happening. It's small scale now, but as they get bigger, the mistakes they make will get bigger and I need to be there for them. I actually don't think my kids will have any trouble telling me how they see me - they do it already. In the words of my lovely son "mummy, you just get so angry sometimes I get scared". That sentence alone has more power for me than any of ex's observations, so I needn't worry.

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I'm getting nervous about coming home. I don't worry that we won't be OK, we will. I want them to love Australia, so they'd like to return one day, but not so much that it impacts on the life that they have here. I'll just have to be careful about what I say and do as well. These are our eggshells that we need to tread on because this is a point that ex is quite sensitive about - he's even said as much.

I probably shouldn't think too much about it. This is where our ego's get us into trouble - making drama where there is none. We focus on the future and build up expectations and stories about the future and wonder if they will come true and feel disappointment when they don't.

Ex seems to be rattling me more than is usual these days. If he's in the kitchen, I have to go out or if he's watching tv I usually retreat to my room. I don't know what it is that's bothering me about him. I know he's under pressure to 'fix himself' and sort out himself so that he can work in a consistent manner. Some days, I wish he'd just apply for an outside job or something. That would solve it. He'd have to work. He'd be accountable to someone other than himself. Sure, he wouldn't be home as much, but really, we don't see him all that much anyway. To me, that's the best solution for him, but he doesn't see it that way (if he did, he'd do it). No, he's just going to keep slogging at what he's doing, which unfortunately isn't getting him very far. I wish he'd face up to his own reality - like I've had to.

And I have to go on, acting as though everything is normal and OK, which I don't think it is. And it kills me that he's not upfront about it. I don't know what I'd do if I was him. I don't even know if he sees it in the same way that I do. Maybe he sees it as just a temporary thing and that it's going to get better in the near future. I hope it does, because I need / want another car, but realistically, that's probably not going to happen.

All I can say here is, I'm glad I'm teaching (and getting paid for it).