Deep breath... talk

So, as always, it's been a week of ups and downs between myself and ex. The closer I am getting to coming home for a while, the more I want it and the less tolerant I am of him and his ways. I'm sure that holds true for him too - as in I'm getting more annoying as our trip gets closer.

But, yesterday he seriously crossed a boundary and I was not happy. He'd come home from the office because I'd asked to use the car so I could go and get my son's glasses fixed, as he'd dropped them the day before. Because we don't communicate well together, he'd assumed we would be going out together and then going to see his mum who has just arrived back from India. I, of course, had completely opposite plans, having accumulated a couple of extra kids and was planning for a student to come later. So I went out... and he went on my COMPUTER!

I don't normally mind but this time I wasn't home and didn't have a chance to log out of all my accounts - fb, twitter, gmail and of course, blogger - and yes, the blog was on a tab underneath my son's lego manuals tab.

When I came home I could see someone else had done a search on my computer and pretty soon figured out it was ex - and he confirmed as much when I asked him via sms. I was angry that he'd disregarded my privacy so blatantly but also because it seems, he feels like he can come into my room anytime he wants when I'm out and use my computer. It was one of those things where I really wanted to give it to him, but I held my tongue and thought about it instead. My options were:

1. go off the deep end at him - and be all emotional and paranoid

2. send an sms to him saying something like "please don't go on my computer while I'm not home" - I love the distance sms gives us from each other.

3. write him an email - again, no emotional contact.

4. Speak to him and try to remain in control.

I let it sit for a day, thinking about it, hoping I could let it go but it wouldn't leave me. I HAD to do something or let yet another thing eat away at me. The opportunity came early this morning. He'd been out all night and I'd woken up early to discover he wasn't home yet. I couldn't sleep so I got up and made myself a hot drink and that's when he came in. Knowing what he does and how it affects his mood I decided to ask him if I could talk and he agreed (ie.getting wasted= good mood). I was nervous, but I still went ahead. I told him that what I wanted to tell him was really difficult because of the way we (don't) communicate but felt I needed to say something, so I was just going to say it and I didn't want to come across like some emotionally paranoid woman. That said, I told him that in this situation that is difficult for both of us, we've drawn some boundaries around the area of privacy and it was agreed that we don't cross over that but that he had crossed that boundary when he went on my computer without me knowing, when I was out. I explained that I don't have much personal space here except for my computer and my room and that I want those areas to be respected.

And he said....

yes, I'm sorry, it was insensitive of me to use your computer in that way.

I apologise for making you feel uncomfortable and putting you in that position

I only did a search for something and looked at a page on the Age and didn't click on any other tabs

I didn't go on there to pry and I have no need to know about what you do privately

I apologise for using your computer and I can understand where you are coming from.

RELIEF. That I wasn't over-reacting and that he said all the things I wanted to hear and taht he thought it was fair enough and that he'd made a mistake. He said he didn't even think about it - the door was open, the computer on, our son was playing in my room and he had some time to spare (and his computer was at the office) so he thought he'd do some normal browsing. It was innocent, but still a mistake he said and he understood completely how I might feel the way I do, even though no harm was intended.

That led us to talking about how often we interpret each other's actions in the wrong way - like when I came back from getting son's glasses fixed and he was at the door (looking like) frantically unlocking it - he wasn't trying to get away as fast as possible, he was just trying to unlock the door for our daughter and his key got stuck. We both agreed that we'd try not to jump to conclusions where the other is concerned - ie I don't go around with a sour face just to piss him off or because I'm unhappy with him...

Other things he said included we are still doing a great job with the kids and he's trying hard to accept our son with all his quirks and 'behaviours'. He notices that they are happy and often a lot better behaved than other kids and that he credits me with that. He said he's noticed that he's having more fun with them now that he spends more time with them and I can see that it's benefiting the kids too - this was what we originally wanted for the kids, but when you're checked out, as he has been for some time, it's not always easy to achieve.

MUSIC TO MY EARS. That he can acknowledge the effort I've put in and knows that our kids are better than OK, under my care.

And with that conversation dealt with I happily went back to my room, knowing I'd shown him that I can be reasonable and do in fact, know how to communicate. A weight lifted. Phew!