I've finally solved the mystery of my itchy raw hands. Eggs. I'm hypersensitive to eggs. At least that's what my hands say. I'm ecstatic to have found at least one major cause of the itching and prickling that has, for the past two and a half years, turned my hands into a swollen, red and purple, raw mess that caused a gasp from all who noticed. I've tried every cream and remedy offered by my friends and acquaintances here, none of which worked. The only relief I seemed to get was when I took prescribed steroids or when I went back home. A few weeks before our holiday my doctor had told me to stop eating them for a while and I did and my hands cleared up but then I forgot about it. In Melbourne I didn't eat that many eggs and didn't link the itching that occurred when I did. Back here, the itching started on the first day we were home and within a week my hands were set to go ballistic when I remembered what the doc had said. I stopped eating eggs, something which we have in one form or another almost every day here and within two days, the itching stopped and my hands are on the mend again. I don't care that I can't eat eggs, even though it's going to be a pain to avoid them. I'm just glad this 3 year old mystery has had some light shed on it.
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In other matters....
I think about it all the time. Every time I look at his face, speak to the kids about school, I go over in my mind how I'm going to talk about THAT to HIM. In my mind, I wonder if he'll ever raise the topic, if I don't. I wonder if he'll get angry at me. I wonder if my voice will shake or whether I'm doing that thing I do where I make things to be bigger than they really are (probably). I wonder what tone I should use, I go over the words. None sound right. All sound like I'm want to snatch the kids and just get out of here, which of course is not true.
I'm struggling to find the right words, the right time. I want the kids to be out of the house, I want to be able to have the mind space to deal with any emotions that come up and I want to be able to say it with calmness and be quietly assertive and confident. I can't be dithering about when I talk to him because that just gives him the upper hand and reinforces to him that I'm the idiot he knows me to be. I need to prep him on the questions the kids will ask him and make sure he knows that I expect him to answer them, rather than have me answer them for him. I want us to talk together first and then talk to the kids together so that they can ask him stuff. I want to agree on how much we tell them about us, our personal situation and then what we will tell them about moving to Melbourne.
The kids are starting to ask about next year. We had a conversation about it and I told them that I didn't know what was going to happen. I said no-one knew what was going to happen in the future and so for now, we need to live for now. My daughter cleverly came back with "well, even though that's good, don't you think a little planning for the future is good too?" Yes, yes I do, but I can't tell them yet. I'm not ready.I know I should be, but I'm not. Nearly, but not quite.
I spoke to a level-headed friend today about it. Our kids are friends and that's why we are friends. Even though we are not that close, we talk about stuff that matters. We have the same concerns about our children's education and she can relate to what I'm thinking when I tell her I want to take the kids back for their education. She too is considering educating her children somewhere else and will probably end up sending them to a private college in Kuala Lumpur. In fact, everyone I talk to (and that's not that many) is of the opinion that the school system here leaves a lot to be desired. There is one good thing though - the standard for learning Chinese is one of the highest. That means if my kids want to keep studying Mandarin, they'll be well equipped. I'm pleased about that.
Anyway, she had some advice for me, which I am thinking about. She said that we should just emphasise the education part of the move first. Like, tell the kids that we're moving back to Melbourne so that they can go to school there and that Papa will visit whenever he can but for now he has to stay in Malaysia for his business. When they are settled in Melbourne and going to school, then perhaps tell them about what's happened between us. On the surface, this sounded good. Not too much trauma all at once and it keeps the focus on the positive. But then, the kids might feel like we're trying to trick them or something and then be even more upset, when I eventually do tell them that we are apart for more reasons that just their education. I'm not sure that there's a right way to do this, which is why I need to think about it a little more. If there's not a right way, then there might be a way that's better than all the others.
Any advice? Melba?
2 comments:
Hey sorry I've been so quiet.
I reckon everything you've said is true and your friend was wise to make it about the education. I'd suggest following that approach when talking to ex about it as well. Make it about your concerns for their education but also concede that the situation you are both in is unsustainable for both of you. So you have two reasonable things. Just stick to those two. I read your other post above about baby steps and well done on beginning the process. Try not to be scared.
About telling the children, I would say the move is for schooling, but if they push I would also be honest with them about what they already know. They already know that you are not together, so I wouldn't try to bullshit them because then there could be trust issues down the track. Children are perceptive, they have supersonic hearing, they listen in when they seem to be doing other things. Don't underestimate, also, their capacity to understand stuff and be resilient (esp your daughter.) Far better to treat them directly and with honesty than to try to bs them. (And I don't mean laying it all out for them, that's another mistake many parents make. They make their children their confidants; something very difficult not to do especially if they are mature.)
But don't talk to them about anything without talking to ex. That's not appropriate and it could come back to bite you on the arse.
If ex says it's too overwhelming to talk about everything just assure him that you just want to start talking and it can be done in stages. Admit it's a big thing for you and scary as well, nothing wrong in saying that, and that you have mixed feelings (which you do??)
I promise I'll try and comment more, I've been caught up in the St Kilda Schoolgirl scandale and commenting on facebook sites for the first time ever. So time consuming trying to be a champion for balance, reason, empathy and respect!
xxx
Hi Melba, thanks for the advice and you are a champion, in so many ways. May I say firstly, that all the time I've known you, I've always admired the way you interact with kids and people in general. When you talk, you seem to find the right words and strike the balance between being honest and direct and yet not going over the top, which is exactly what my kids need when this conversation comes up and why I asked for your advice specifically. So thankyou for taking time out to give your thoughts. I admit I still struggle with finding this line as a parent and it's especially difficult if my emotions are fragile. When I talk to them, I will think of you and I'm sure that will help.
Thankyou for your friendship Melba.
Hugs.
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