Well, the day went as well as it could. Both the kids had a great time, their friends turned up, they ate whatever they liked, which is half the point of celebrating isn't it. We ate hotdogs and fries and wedges and cake and a myriad of other things that are so not good for you. I did everything I could so that I wouldn't be an embarrassment to ex. The house was clean, the mice are under control and the bathrooms were done. Yes, the cake didn't cook up that well, but daughter thought it was beautiful and son was happy that his chocolate cake had chocolate icing and sprinkles on it. The important things held up. I did my bit.
After yesterday's marathon effort at cleaning, organising, cooking, and what not, I decided to take this morning off, so here I sit in my room, not thinking about the ironing or the dishes that need putting away or whatever else. I stayed in bed until I heard the front door close and realised ex was taking the car to work. I got up to see what was happening. He didn't want to wake me he said but I insisted that I wanted the car. Even though I could have done without it, I wanted it to pick the kids up from school instead of him having to do it. Last week when he did it, he messed up by not remembering that the kids walk to the car themselves so he went looking for them. In a scene from a bad comedy of errors, ex and both kids all missed each other among the throng of cars and kids and parents and when they finally did find each other, ex was so stressed out and was unable to listen to son who was trying to explain to him how it all worked. Once home, ex and daughter came in and went to their respective rooms, slamming doors and all while poor son wandered in after them looking quite lost. Ex showered and went back to work with not a word of explanation about what had happened. It sucked, but we let it go. By night, ex had gotten over himself and all was back to normal.
So that's why I didn't want him to pick up the kids today. I would rather do it myself and save everyone the stress. But this morning, after I had dropped him off at work, he rang back and said he needed the car to go to a meeting or something. So I back tracked through the roadworks traffic jam just so he could drive me back to where I was and take the car to his meeting. It took me 15 minutes to get back to him. I don't plan things this way, but it happens. Traffic jams, roadworks, fucked up plans, all when you don't need them. Just the right mix to inflame his stress levels. And really, I can't tolerate his stress much longer. I'm going to have to say something because he doesn't realise how he affects me. He always says that he doesn't have an agenda and at the time, i believe him but his actions make me think otherwise. Maybe I being too sensitive. How ironic, given that he says he can't tolerate my moods much longer either.
I just don't know how to handle his stress and I always think it's because of me. Even when it clearly isn't, I feel responsible. If I try to make it better though, I just make it worse, so I end up not saying anything at all and looking like "something's wrong" or just that I don't care. He actually asked me this morning if something was wrong and I told him no (because to really tell him needs more than just a 5 minute car ride). I did say that if he needs the car to just ask me and it's OK to wake me up. If he wanted to talk at 3am, I wouldn't mind if he woke me. I would still bend over backwards for him, and he doesn't realise it and I don't know why I would, I just know I would.
The other day I wrapped a soccer ball that he wanted to give to our daughter so that they can play together. When I finished it looked like a huge dolls head with pigtails coming off the side. Very cute and it made him laugh and hearing him laugh at something I'd done, made me feel good. I loved the look on his face, the way he tilted his head back, the smile. And then of course, this whole mess hurts even more, because I realise that in his eyes, I will never be good enough for him. Even if I am strong and healthy and confident and know that I am a worthy person, it will still not be enough for him because of his skewed perspective, because of the pressure he is under, because of our fucking dysfunctional past.
When I am honest with myself, I am appalled that I still have these mixed feelings about him, even when it clear that he has none for me. I feel so pathetic, still wanting his validation. When I see myself rationalising his behaviour, agreeing with sentiments that I know are wrong in my eyes, I feel sick to my stomach. I know I need to get away so that I can finally, finally let him go.
There is a voice though, in the back of my head that says something will happen soon. It needs to happen. I know I'm being painfully slow to resolve all this, but there's lots of other things to deal with as well and I have to be careful of the kids. They ARE picking up on things, even if they don't know it. The other day daughter started crying when I told her that I do get frustrated because I do all this on my own with no help ( I know, bad choice of words) and then last night son was feeling weird. He has questions he says, but he doesn't know what the questions are and they give him a funny feeling.
The birthdays have passed. We need to talk again. I need to really let go and raise my concerns good and proper. I've allowed him to talk freely and have 'taken it', so now it's his turn. I need to be brave and strong and stand up for myself. With only a few months left to go, I've got nothing to lose. It's time for all this to play out the way it will.
KARMA - check
Notes - check
courage - hmmm, it was around here somewhere.
xanax - check
Deep breath.
5 comments:
1. So this is evidence of him and his superior life skills?
2. Your question about how do you deal with his stress? Answer: you let him take the car, let him pick up the kids, let him fuck it up. Don't get involved in trying to make things easier/better for him. In saying that, I'm NOT saying be obstructive, I'm saying leave him to it. Get out of his way.
3. So the birthdays are over, it's time to tell the kids. Your son says he has questions and feels funny. I'd start with him, bring it up with him when you are he are alone. Ask him about the funny feeling, ask him to try and catch the questions in his head or his tummy and get his mouth to tell you. Your daughter is picking up on it? Of course she is, she's bright and she's getting older. Tell ex this and tell him you need to start talking to them. It may not be in a single session and it may be fraught but perhaps a gentle opening of things by asking your son about his feelings could be the way to start. Then you could say to daughter something along the lines of [brother] said he has questions and funny feelings. Do you know what he means? Not as a heavy interrogative thing but as a CURIOUS thing. Just be curious with them, and wondering. They will 'help' you understand.
Good luck.
PS
xxxxxx hugsssss xxxxxxx
PS Re number two, I know you were doing it to save the kids stress but they need to know their father. They DO know him. Don't try and fix it. You can't. Whatever you do is wrong no doubt so do nothing in situations like that.
Thanks MG, for the wise advice. I have let him fuck up in the past but was wondering if it's the right thing to do. I figured the kids need to see their dad making mistakes also so when he didn't ask about what he should do to pick up the kids, I didn't tell.
I also tried talking to my daughter about her brother's feelings but she had no insights to offer. I did it how you suggested, just curious and when she said she didn't really know, I left it at that. She likes to talk while we cook together and we have great chats sometimes. I'll talk to son when we're by ourselves again to see if I can get him to articulate a little of what he's feeling. I won't be too pushy, just curious. He doesn't mind talking, he just can't put his finger on what he's feeling.
Thanks again, hugs back.
It's also possible that their default would be to protect you (just like you do them) and to NOT articulate anything negative. This could be entirely unconscious as well. Curiosity is a good approach; I know when I push things, kids can shut down.
You're doing such a great job.
x
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