This week my mind has been on a quest of it's own it seems. My mind operates in two main modes - the rational mode and the emotional mode. This week the emotional mode barged it's way through. Triggered by thoughts of an uncertain future (ie what is going to happen down the track in our situation), all of a sudden I found myself wanting to get back with my sort of ex-husband. It was all I could think about and I actually, stupidly, went to him and told him about it. Against all my better (rational) judgement (which was lurking around in the back of my mind) I went to him and told him what I was thinking. Will I never learn?
The response was predictable - no, there's been too much hurt and hate and while that can be put aside so we can live functionally and the kids can be together, there are no guarantees that we will get back together. Arrggghh. Don't you know I've been hurt too and that if I can put that aside, why can't you - I screamed to myself inside my head. Well, it seems not. My unforgivable act of leaving him last year and going back to Australia with one of our children (ie breaking up our family), plus all the anguish and hurt I've caused him (which I initially didn't think I was doing, but have now come to realise that he did go through it) are too much. There is no chance.
A day later, after crying my eyes out for an hour or two and really letting it all out, it was like it never happened. I didn't feel anything like the day before and certainly didn't want to get back together. There were no thoughts about what the future might hold (negative or positive), no urge to reconcile and a calm acceptance of the situation. I felt normal - rational mode was back.
The last 20 years for me has been like this - up, down, up, down - an emotional rollercoaster. It's one of the features of Borderline Personality Disorder - flipping from one set of beliefs to another within the space of a day or even a few hours and while you're in one mode or the other, you honestly believe the thoughts and feelings - they ARE the reality. I found myself wanting to get off this rollercoaster about 10 months ago. So instead of ending it forever, I decided to leave (with the kids). He said no, not both kids. You can take one (boy, 5) and I'll have one (girl 7). I didn't have the strength to fight him, tired and drained as I was. I left, boy in tow and went back to Australia and lived with my parents for 4 months. Came home a month earlier than planned because girl needed me and I was strong enough to come back and face him.
Being at home was like lying down in soft comfy chair. It felt right and comfortable. I could be myself and not be criticised (what I see as criticism, he see as 'just telling me how it should be'). I could laugh and talk and say the things that were on my mind. In fact, I laughed and smiled more in those 4 months, than I had in the last 15 years. My family and friends rallied around me and supported me and for the first time in a long while, I felt like I was worth something. It was an amazing feeling - I felt solid inside, instead of weak and tangled. I felt strong, which funnily enough, is something he has been wanting from me for the longest time.
As I sit here and write this and think back to that time, I know I wouldn't be here, if I didn't go back. Thank God for families. Love you mum and dad, C and M and kids, D and K, V, W and all the others.
Now I try to take each day at a time, remembering my committment to stay here with the kids and be stable and predictable. I plan. I keep data to help me remember what my moods are like and even write a journal to help me remember what I did yesterday and what money I spent. I make lists for everything so I don't forget stuff and I ignore the intense feelings that keep telling me what an awful life I have. I don't judge my sort of ex-h or anybody anymore - you do what you want, anything, I'm fine with it.
It is only in this way, that I can be stable and keep the emotional demons away and cope with what ever happens. Til next time.
2 comments:
Jo,
this post of yours feels so familiar to me it hurts to read it. I've never been diagnosed with BPD, (the only official diagnosis I've had was major depression, I spent 13 years on anti-depressants) but I can well relate to your symptoms. My lowest point was about 7 years ago, I was severely depressed, agoraphobic and self harming; not a pretty sight.
I've been well now for about 3 years, I stopped taking my anti-d's because I felt that were creating more emotional lability than they were fixing, and I was so sick of hearing 'have you forgotten your medication' whenever I objected to, or didn't agree with my husband. I can't really say why I got better (and I'm not so arrogant as to think that I wont ever get sick again), but with hindsight I can see a lot of the things that were keeping me sick.
I had lost all faith in myself, I didn't trust my own judgement. I hated hearing it, but I always believed what other people said about me, that they could see my faults and mistakes more clearly than myself. So if my husband told me I was crap, or that I always created conflict or that I was irrational I would think "yeah, this might have seemed reasonable to me, but that's just because I'm unhinged and hysterical". It was SO emotionally exhausting, to constantly second guess myself, to not feel able to trust any thought or emotion I had. And it undermined my confidence in myself almost completely.
The other big thing that kept me sick was that, like you, I was isolated. We had moved to NSW from SA and I was without friends or family, and with very young children I was out of the work force. So it was just my husband and me, he was dealing with a sick wife without support, getting more and more stressed. And I was giving more and more weight and importance to what was really just one person's, biased opinion of me. And the more stressful life became for us, the more distorted our image of each other became. I tended not to see his faults, or unfairness, because I was so busy being defensive or mortified by all the faults he kept finding in me. In the end I felt that I was considered irrational and unreasonable by default, until proven otherwise. Not a good way to be.
These days things are very different. I feel more in control of my life, not just a passenger anymore. I feel able to speak up for myself more, that my needs and opinions are just as valid as anybody else's, that more than anything else is a huge change. But I don't know if feeling this way helped me get better or if getting better helped me feel this way.
I hope you aren't offended by this saga of a comment, I'm not pretending to know you, or your situation. I just wanted to offer empathy I guess. Heres hoping that next week is not so tough, take care of you.
Miz xox
Miz, it hurts, I know, to read something so familiar it makes you cringe. Happens to me often. I certainly wasn't offended by your post, on the contrary, I was touched you had taken the time to write such a thoughtful comment - and I think you do know at least a little part of me. It's not so bad when you know you're not the only one.
I can relate to the part about being isolated. I'm the only blond-haired foreigner in this town and everyone knows me, even if I don't know them. The other thing that struck me about your comment is when you object to your husband, he asks you 'have you forgotten...."- I get "are you spiralling (downward into a BPD meltdown)". Now I keep my opinions to myself, esp if they oppose his. His opinion of me now is so filtered because of all that has happened, that even if I am rational, to him, I'm not.
Defensive and mortified? I can relate to that - and they are perfect aren't they?
I'm so glad you are feeling better these days. How did you start to get better? What was the turning point for you? I had to leave to get some perspective and be with people who cared. And thankfully, I'm MUCH better, though I still have to work hard at it. I try to take one day at a time. Stay strong and thanks!! Cheers
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