Since the passport thingy on Monday, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster, something I told myself I would avoid at all costs, for the sake of my kids. The intense emotions that have raised their ugly arses this week are hatred, desperation, jealousy, euphoria and others like those. I can feel the toxic feelings building up inside of me, desperate to escape in an explosion of aggression. I give 'sort of ex-h' dirty looks, even when he's done nothing wrong. I snap at the kids, getting angry and impatient, making them feel like they are in my way. I seethe, I cry in the hope that the feelings will leave of their own accord. Rational mind sits at the back and tells me I shouldn't feel like this, that I will damage my kids and my relationship with all those around me. And of course, I hate myself and eventually think that the world and my kids will be better off without me.
I blame the emotions on my sort of ex-h not wanting to reconcile. Last time I blamed it on wanting to go home. These things are not to blame. I've lost my focus and I'm not at peace - why am I here? What do I have to achieve now, and in the short term future?
What a lovely mother I am. The kids noticed it too - I can tell by the way they act - my girl stomps off at the slightest misdeed to her and her anger is all-consuming for at least 10 minutes (not good for a 7 year old) and my boy gets clingy, jealous and downright angry and physical if he is not getting his way. The kids are not always like this, only when I display emotional behaviour that to them doesn't make sense. You'd think that because I'm aware of my behaviour, I could stop it. I can to a degree, but then it sits under the surface and gradually makes it's way into the outside world - a snarl here, an anger outburst there, till I'm positively seething and being horrible. People on the outside world don't know I'm like this. I'm ashamed of it, embarrassed by it and feel that when I am normal, I'm faking it. They think, oh she's a special ed teacher, what a lovely person - crap I am. I can't stand it when people think I have all the patience in the world to teach these kids. I don't.
It's been like this for the last 3 weeks. Previous to this, I'd feel like this for a few hours a month and it would pass. Last time I went down this path, I left with my son to stay with my parents. My daughter was left behind to attend school and her father looked after her. I missed 4 months of my daughters life.
The rollercoaster is damaging. For them and for me. I have to fight not to get on. It's so incredibly easy to spiral down and blame everything else for the mess that is my life. I keep coming here and will do so for the rest of my life if I don't learn to control it. Like an addiciton, I keep going back to it. God knows why, because why would anyone want something so awful.
After a talk with my sort of ex-h, (who is usually supportive during these harrowing episodes), my mind started thinking normally again. The questions that surfaced were painful:
1 what will my kids think of their childhood days, when they look back and notice that mummy was nice sometimes and completely horrible other times.
2 If I leave them here and go away to try and get help for this, how will they view the gaps in their life when their mother wasn't with them?
3 Will I lose my kids forever if this happens again? The thought of never seeing them again, or missing out on them growing up physically hurts! I'm sure all mums out there know this pain. I can't even contemplate this, but if I don't get better, I have to contemplate it.
4 If I am like this, are my kids really better off without me?
Ouch, I gotta go, it hurts too much.
7 comments:
When I'm not coping, I'm like this with my kids as well. I'm snarly and sarcastic, impatient and bitchy. I know exactly how badly (not to mention hypocritically) I'm behaving and yet sometimes the only way I can limit it is to physically remove myself. I'll tell the kids I need time out, because I'm over reacting, and then I'll go sit in my room for a bit.
And it scares the shit outta me that I might be hurting them emotionally. Damaging them. It goes so completely against what I perceive the role of a good mother to be; to protect and nurture.
But I also know that if I 'left', my kids would blame themselves. As long as I stick around I can try to make sure that they understand that they are not the problem. I can show them how proud I am of them, how much I love them. That they are absolutely worth the effort of picking up the pieces each time and trying again.
On valentine's day this year I wrote them this poem:
A poem for my children...
If you ask someone very wise, they’ll tell you that it’s true:
as important as the things you say, are all the things you do.
And some days, the things that I do most, are to shout and scream and yell,
sometimes, I even stamp my feet and slam the door as well.
And when your mum is having tantrums, it’s easy to forget,
that really, she is very proud to have the bestest children yet.
So today I want to get things right, to make it very clear:
that every day you make me smile, and I feel prouder every year.
You’re very special people, with so much love to give,
and I’ll love you more and more each day, for as long as I shall live.
I know it's not enough, that the better solution would be to learn to deal with my stress better, because I know this is a huge factor for me. But we're fallible human beings and real life is rarely ideal. We can only do our best, and strive to be better parents.
I've also learnt that the best way to help myself cope is to try and keep my perspective. Right now I'm doing OK, and I think it's because right now my self esteem is in fairly good shape. I have a new job, a real one, for the first time in 10 years and I've re-acquainted myself with some old hobbies. I feel more like a whole person. Me. Not just the support crew for my family. It also means I don't feel so isolated, frustrated and trapped.
Personally, I think you are an incredibly strong woman. To forge a life for yourself in a foreign land physically and culturally removed from your home and family takes very real grit and determination. Don't forget it. Keep enough distance from your almost-ex's picture of who you are. Because however wonderful a father he is, and despite the fact that you obviously still have respect for him (which is wonderful) he is not objective.
Virtual hugs, and very real moral support from me. May next week be better.
thanks mizanthrop. Your poem is beautiful. I shared it with my daughter and she really got it. It's nice for her to know she's not the only one.
re: 'leaving', I hadn't thought of that perspective. I will use that to keep my thoughts positive about myself as a mum.
Congratulations on the new job too. Well done. I'm sure it will help you. We can't forget that doing things for ourselves helps our family too.
And thanks for the hugs. how nice of you.
oh jo-jo. i'm really sorry to read this but want to let you know that you are not alone. what miz said, i feel too. and not just at times, but often. i am narky, ill-tempered and impatient - it's like i am the worst child in the family. i know my sister is like this too, and my friends... it's how mothers are. we are at the frontline, and it's hard bloody work. and also we make it hard bloody work, because we try so hard to be perfect and do everything right.*
i think we women/mothers tend to be too hard on ourselves. i don't know of ANY fathers that agonise like we do over our behaviour, our feelings, our mistakes, our parenting, our cooking, our looks, our this, our that. we have to let go of some of this shit!!
i think it's ok for kids to see us as real people - not just ok, but better. we are fallible as miz said, we are human. we hurt, we cry, we fuck up. but we keep going. we must keep going.
the idea of time out is good. i do this too. especially when i'm premenstrual, and this is a big thing with me, it's getting worse as i get older and creep toward pre-menopause - i just say to them "i need a break, i'll be in my room reading". if i don't do that and try to soldier on, then it just gets worse. if i DO do that, then usually i can come out a bit re-energised, give them a hug and some extra attention.
also what miz said about self-esteem - i know that when i am happier about myself (all things, appearance, health, all that stuff, feeling like i have some control over my life and things are ok) then i can be more generous with my soul, and more giving.
another thing i've learnt is i just put my hand up and say something like "hey kids, i'm getting my period and i'm feeling tired/cranky/irritable so sorry if i'm being impatient/narky" etc. this is good role modelling - it shows a person who is prepared to own their emotions, lay it out there, and say sorry. then they can learn to do that. i don't mean with this, though, that you off-load everything onto the kids, they still need to be protected from the major shit.
which brings me to the idea of you going away again to get yourself together. it's a really hard situation jo, to be living in the same house as almost-ex. while you are in the same space, very hard to find the peace you need. is there a way of changing this? also, the kids - no matter what, no matter how horrible you might think you can be - want you. they want you, they want to be with you, they love you. no matter what. so unless there is danger of you physically hurting them (just getting that out there - we've all felt like it, and i used to slap princess when i lost it when she was little) or hurting yourself or almost-ex - then it's better for you to stay. leaving them, if only for a planned short time, i don't know about that.
finally, do you have a counsellor or someone there? might be hard, i don't know about malay attitudes towards therapy and how easy it would be to find someone good, but therapy really can help to take the edge off all these things. there's also the medication, i know you've talked about that before.
only you can decide what is best to do. and it's not something you can decide quickly or easily. also, as miz said, things change. the buddhists say that nothing is permanent, everything changes, and this includes good things AND bad things.
you can think to yourself,
today was a difficult day
tomorrow will be better.
and then if tomorrow is shit as well, just repeat!!
i also send a big squeezy hug to you and the kids. take care, keep writing, i hope it's helping.
xxx
ps there's a book called "the good enough mother" it's non-fiction, can't remember the author and i read it years ago, god maybe even before i was a mother for some weird reason. anyway i remember it making me realise that a "better" mother is the good-enough mother, the one who is human, has her own needs, is emotionally honest with her children, and doesn't even try to be perfect. try and look it up.
Melba, thanks for writing. It does help to know I'm like others. I feel so 'broken' for want of a better word. I have tried therapy before but it didn't help much and I've been on medication - it just made me worse - more arrogant and more stubborn because you feel stronger. The things that do help are writing and talking and taking time out. I have a good friend here who I can talk to and almost-ex and I can talk about this stuff too. Though I prefer not to talk about this stuff to him, sometimes when a situation blows up in front of him, it's hard to avoid.
The living situation won't change for next few years, until it comes time for them to go to secondary school. That's 3 - 4 years away - not so long.
RE: leaving them, if I can't function and I'm screaming at them all the time and making them feel bad and behave badly, then I feel I should remove myself. But, I won't leave them unless I absolutely cannot get myself to something that resembles stability. This last week has been awful, but I'd have to be crying and losing it everyday for me to leave. And I've promised my girl that I won't leave her again, which means that everyday, I will pick up the pieces and try again. I don't want to break my promise to her.
One of my problems is that I've never questioned myself about being a good mother. Truly (arrogant). I was never taught to question myself on anything, to just accept that whatever I did was OK as long as I was happy. And we were taught to brush over our faults. Now I do question myself and I have almost ex questioning me as well (yes he questions himself too) and I find it VERY confronting and have a hard time dealing with it. I take things very personally and it makes me angry and anxious. Needless to say, reacting this way does little to contribute to a harmonious living situation, whether we are together or not.
So today I will stand up, brush myself off and start again, and count my blessing for the things I do have - health, bloggy friends, roof over my head, students to teach and best of all two wonderful children who love their mum.
yay you.
and i've never seen you as arrogant. just wanted to say that.
yay you again.
x
Heck, Jo, I work full time, meaning I have hours of time out every day and I still get grumpy with the kids.
Our friend Melba is not entirely correct. She does know one father who agonises over my behaviour, my feelings, my mistakes, my parenting, and my cooking. I don't agonise so much over my looks, but that's because I accepted years ago that my nose wouldn't get even an inch shorter no matter how much I worried about it.
My point, I think, is that we all beat ourselves up for not being perfect parents, but none of us are and our kids will survive just as well as we survived being raised by our also imperfect parents.
Also, I spend at least some of each day at work dealing with divorces and fights over the kids, so I have from time to time found myself wondering how I would cope if I couldn;t see the kids every day. I agree, 'physically painful' sums it up.
I could write a whole heap more by miz & melbs have covered it pretty well, so let me just join in with saying I hope it all improves soon.
You've chosen to be there for the kids in a truly tough situation and your courage is inspiring.
Thanks Melba, thanks inc, for the words of wisdom. I've read them everyday since you've put them there, to help me keep perspective.
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