Mummy....why are you like this?

Since the passport thingy on Monday, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster, something I told myself I would avoid at all costs, for the sake of my kids. The intense emotions that have raised their ugly arses this week are hatred, desperation, jealousy, euphoria and others like those. I can feel the toxic feelings building up inside of me, desperate to escape in an explosion of aggression. I give 'sort of ex-h' dirty looks, even when he's done nothing wrong. I snap at the kids, getting angry and impatient, making them feel like they are in my way. I seethe, I cry in the hope that the feelings will leave of their own accord. Rational mind sits at the back and tells me I shouldn't feel like this, that I will damage my kids and my relationship with all those around me. And of course, I hate myself and eventually think that the world and my kids will be better off without me.

I blame the emotions on my sort of ex-h not wanting to reconcile. Last time I blamed it on wanting to go home. These things are not to blame. I've lost my focus and I'm not at peace - why am I here? What do I have to achieve now, and in the short term future?

What a lovely mother I am. The kids noticed it too - I can tell by the way they act - my girl stomps off at the slightest misdeed to her and her anger is all-consuming for at least 10 minutes (not good for a 7 year old) and my boy gets clingy, jealous and downright angry and physical if he is not getting his way. The kids are not always like this, only when I display emotional behaviour that to them doesn't make sense. You'd think that because I'm aware of my behaviour, I could stop it. I can to a degree, but then it sits under the surface and gradually makes it's way into the outside world - a snarl here, an anger outburst there, till I'm positively seething and being horrible. People on the outside world don't know I'm like this. I'm ashamed of it, embarrassed by it and feel that when I am normal, I'm faking it. They think, oh she's a special ed teacher, what a lovely person - crap I am. I can't stand it when people think I have all the patience in the world to teach these kids. I don't.

It's been like this for the last 3 weeks. Previous to this, I'd feel like this for a few hours a month and it would pass. Last time I went down this path, I left with my son to stay with my parents. My daughter was left behind to attend school and her father looked after her. I missed 4 months of my daughters life.

The rollercoaster is damaging. For them and for me. I have to fight not to get on. It's so incredibly easy to spiral down and blame everything else for the mess that is my life. I keep coming here and will do so for the rest of my life if I don't learn to control it. Like an addiciton, I keep going back to it. God knows why, because why would anyone want something so awful.

After a talk with my sort of ex-h, (who is usually supportive during these harrowing episodes), my mind started thinking normally again. The questions that surfaced were painful:

1 what will my kids think of their childhood days, when they look back and notice that mummy was nice sometimes and completely horrible other times.

2 If I leave them here and go away to try and get help for this, how will they view the gaps in their life when their mother wasn't with them?

3 Will I lose my kids forever if this happens again? The thought of never seeing them again, or missing out on them growing up physically hurts! I'm sure all mums out there know this pain. I can't even contemplate this, but if I don't get better, I have to contemplate it.

4 If I am like this, are my kids really better off without me?

Ouch, I gotta go, it hurts too much.

My messy mind

With my mind going impossibly around in circles, it's hard to know where to start so that it makes sense to anybody that may read this.
I live in a difficult situation. My sort-of-ex husband and I share a house in Malaysia so that our two young children (5 + 7) can be together. If I ask for a divorce, he will want at least one child. I can't bear to be separated from either of them or to separate them from each other. They are wonderfully close and I want them to have each other in these difficult times. My sort-of-ex husband is a good father. He is patient and calm with them and they adore him.

Living like this is easy on the surface. We have our respective rooms and don't invade each other's privacy. I cook, clean the house and take care of the kids. He works from home, pays the bills and provides for all our needs.

He is a nice person, but like anybody, not perfect. He is arrogant and does not tolerate mistakes from other people well. He is private and can look perfectly happy when he is downright miserable.

I, on the other hand, am an emotional basket-case. Reality for me is/was whatever I am feeling, whether they are justified or not. If I feel angry, someone must have done something to make me that way, and so I believe it and take it on the unfortunate person that I think has done the misdeed. Sometimes, I read way too much into things and take things personally - it's always about me.

So under the normality of daily life, things are tense. We've been together for many years, so our relationship has lots of baggage.

My main turmoil in our 'situation' always starts with "what is reality?" What really happened - did I really hear an arrogant tone in your voice? Are you saying I'm stupid? Did I really snap at you, because I didn't think I did? It's mental torture. I can be certain of one thing...that if I think something like what I just wrote, the reality (or his reality) will be the opposite.

At times he sounds like a parent - "well I can do that because I can do it properly etc etc" but if I was to do the same thing, he would be sooooo angry and righteous. Can I question the double standard here? Of course not, because then I'm being borderline (personality disorder) which he thinks I have and I do show some signs of this emotional disorder. So is my reaction (anger and annoyance) to this behaviour normal or am I just being overemotional?

Will continue another time.