Here we go again...

I can feel it...feelings of contempt rising in me like a poison. Scathing replies run rampant in my head, snapping at the kids, not wanting to do anything for almost-ex, not wanting to talk to him about anything... it's all there. I have to be soooo careful that I don't spiral into a black mood. I've managed 20 days without a vicious spiral into the world where all I want to do is run away. According to my mood charts, this is one of my better stretches.

I note my mood everyday and give it a colour on a calender in the front of my diary.
Blue - going along nicely, smiling, getting things done, feeling neutral towards almost-ex and even doing some nice things for him - coffee etc.
Green - still ok, but I know there's a slight undercurrent of tension, sarcastic comments going around in my head. Still getting things done and on the surface, everything is OK.
Pink - Comments getting louder in my head. I withdraw and want to sleep alot, sometimes will bring up contentious issues with almost ex, probably just to pick a fight. I can go from pink to black in .1 of a second.
Black - positively seething, crying desparately for him to listen, the need to be right is overwhelming (things like - no I didn't say that, I said this and I didn't mean that, arrrghgh!) Last time I was like this, I took half a xanax (anti-anxiety medication) and almost -ex took the kids out for dinner. The xanax worked and calmed me down.


The only way I've been able to stop going into the black is if I don't think about or analyze things. There's a price to pay - I don't have an opinion, about anything. I just say Yes ex, no ex and agree with everything almost ex says. I basically keep all opinions to myself. He even said as much - we're not in a position now to have opposing opinions and be able to express them. He's allowed to express whatever about anything, but I'm not. I've resigned myself to the fact that things are not going to change in that respect, but it's OK. I'd rather share my thoughts with people who can stand to listen.

Things in my mind are changing again. When I got back, I was convinced that everything was my fault and that I had the strength to change and when I did change, things would get better. I changed, alot. But by then, it was too late. Too much water under the bridge so to speak.

Now I'm biding my time. I'm waiting til the time comes for the kids to prepare and start their secondary education. Til then, I'm going to do everything 'right' - keep house, teach, exercise, cook most nights, care for the kids, take them on holidays and above all, stay calm. That way, when I present the case for educating the kids in Australia, he'll be hard pressed to say no. He won't be able to say "I don't think so, you're not stable" or "you're not a good mum" etc etc. And then, I will relocate and get on with my life and the kids. That's the plan anyway.

Will write more later