Uh-oh

I knew it would happen and it has. I'm in full on silent spiral mode. Despicable, hateful, vengeful thoughts are taking over my mind. This is where, every time, I vow never to let myself go again. But, here it is, of it's own accord. On the surface, I am quiet and look a bit moody. Inside, I'm a raging, hateful maniac. I want to run away, take the kids and leave. Instead, I bottle it all up and try to make it go away.

Almost ex knows what's going on. And even though I told him nothing's happening, he's knows it is. He knows my face, he knows my thoughts, and I hate him for it. I hate myself for not being able to hide it. i hate myself for being like this. I always think, what's wrong with me. why can't i be like him - calm and normal. I feel so broken and ashamed.

I can't stand the sight of him, yet I know if he smiled my way or said something nice to me, I'd be ecstatic. Why, I don't know.

I hate that we can't talk. About anything at all - news, weather, us, the kids, life, his life, money, my life, friends, anything. The dominant view around here is that it's my fault, 100% my fault. If only I was this or that way, if only I had better conversation skills, if only I wasn't so dysfunctional, we'd be able to talk. Who could talk to a person like me, with so many bad thoughts going in inside.


(Don't cry... your daughter is near and she might hear you and then you have to lie to her about why you are crying. Big breath.)

But then, when we do talk, I hate it so much because it's never a real conversation. It's forced, cautious and always ends up being something about me. I can't stand it. If I say what I really feel, I'm being emotional, hurtful, cutting him off etc. There's never a point where we can share an opinion or talk about a topic without some bullshit baggage getting in the way. I don't know why I'm crying over it.

When I started this post, I was raging. Now I'm neutral. Maybe this is helping. 2 years of therapy didn't help. Anti-depressants didn't help. Talking to other people helps but then I don't want to dump this shit on them, reading about BPD helps (even though I don't really think I have it, I do have some of the signs) because it tells you how to change your thought patterns. And that's what I need - a change in thought.

It's over for the moment. Til the next storm comes. Normally I love storms, but not these types. I crave neutrality, calmness and happiness, but for better or worse, life is always much more than that.