Yesterday morning my messy mind came to the fore again. The stress started in the supermarket when I was trying to buy some bacon. You have to purchase pork products from a special non-halal section in the supermarket. So it's like a little shop within the supermarket. They also have the alcohol here. I suppose it's like our little bottle shops next to our supermarket, just with a deli inside. Anyway, it's takes these people forever to get my bacon organised and in the meantime my daughter is starting to carry on about feeling tired, sore this and that, I want to go home kind of thing. Well, that just tripped me out. I WANT to go home too - to Australia, where my real home is, where I'm comfortable and people actually like me buying bacon is NOT a big deal blah, blah, blah - you get the picture. I guess it just reminded me of how much I don't like living here.
From there it was all the way down hill - stupid ex, this and that ... until I went to almost-ex and let him know what was going on. I didn't let him know all the things I was thinking, just that this feeling was here and it was affecting me and I didn't want the kids to see it. He knows what I think when I'm like this, so he just talks me through it - you know it's not that bad, you know people are slow here, you just have to accept it, deal with the stress in a more positive way etc etc. He did say he was a little worried about me taking the kids back to Australia (we're coming back for a 2 week holiday on May 24) and asked if it was safe (safe meaning am I going to do the dirty on him and not come back). He doesn't believe me when I say it is.
I am coming back. I know my parents don't want me to and think I'm coming back into a horribly emotionally abusive situation and they can't understand it, but it's not what they think. I make it to be much worse than it is because of the intense emotions I feel when I get upset. This is why I think I have traits of BPD... the intensity of the emotions is unfounded... and the flitting back and forth from it's OK to this is NOT OK when I am in this mode is relentless. I go back and forth, in and out for an hour or two. And then it's gone and everything is OK again. And I can function again, and smile and see my friends, teach and be nice to almost ex. It's real Jekyll and Hyde stuff.
So, to my parents, know for sure that I am coming back here because my kids need their father and this is not all his fault. I am not here under false pretenses. I am here because in my heart, I know that running away with the children (legally called parental abduction), is NOT the right thing to do. It would traumatise them and me, and I don't need to give almost-ex another reason to hate me. I don't want to do it that way. If I'd wanted to do it that way, it would have already happened. I've had the kids and their passports to myself on numerous occasions since I've been back, so the opportunity has been there - and I am still here.
There are 3 things I know for sure - one: I do have a problem dealing with my negative emotions. 2. The kids need their dad. 3. Running away and having to look over my shoulder to see if he's coming after me is not the way I want to live. I'm here now, in this situation and there has to be a better resolution. I'm willing to wait and work at it, to find out what it is.
The conclusion I came to this morning though is that I will pay no credibility to my messy mind - I don't have to believe the thoughts or feelings that come with it. It's destructive and NEVER EVER works for me. Simple. (of course I know that this is harder than it sounds).
I'm sorry mum and dad, that I am the cause of your worry. But I am strong and I will get through it. We just have to see whatever way that is.
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