Nuts, and a few other thoughts

Have you seen the movie Nuts, starring Barbara Streisand and Richard Dreyfuss. It's about a hooker who's charged with the murder of a client. She has the opportunity to claim a plea of insanity, but she chooses not to do so. Her mother and step-father, for reasons I can't remember, want her committed to a mental institution. Barbara's character, Claudia, has to prove she's mentally competent. The more she fights, argues, persists, rants and tries to get people to listen to her, the more 'nuts' she looks, so of course the court and her parents have their proof that she's insane. Of course, this triggers more frantic 'mad' behaviour in the desperate attempt to prove she's completely sane. The more she pushed, the worse it was for her.

This is how I feel. The more desperate I am to make my feelings known, the more I convince almost-ex that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Even though I do show traits of this unfortunate label, I don't think I am a diagnosable case. I have agreed with him that I have it because otherwise I would be "in denial", but I'm not as bad as he makes out to be. But then again, just because I think something, doesn't make it true. I truly don't know what his experience has been with me. Even though he's told me how badly I treated him, I can't seem to empathise with him. I will admit that my memory is not good and that, according to research, we can change memories of our past to suit our feelings and understandings. I may have done this and obliterated any recollection of me having been the ranting, raving incompetent person he remembers me as.

I know that now it's his word against mine, who did what to whom and I am now unwilling to go there anymore. Trying to even talk about this stuff with him triggers the desperate person inside who wants to be forgiven, but will never be. And I can't afford to be that person right now, so I can't go there. I don't know if I ever will be able to talk about his issues with me without feeling like I should just kill myself to avoid having to listen to what an awful person I am/have been.

I could sit there and say yes, ex, I was this, this and that horrible person you describe and how terrible an experience it must have been for you. But the very core of me, believes that if I do this when I don't agree with it, I am lying to myself and letting myself down, when I should be standing up for myself. I wonder if this is reasonable thinking or am I just not wanting to face what needs to be dealt with.

That's not to say I didn't have any problems - I certainly did. I didn't want to go out of my comfort zone, I was a terrible housekeeper, I wasn't considerate or thoughtful (not to his standards) and I didn't demand much of myself at all. I was afraid of a lot of things that were new and I wasn't mature enough to be in a 'living together' relationship. And of course, my self esteem was not good. If I had my time over, I would not be in this or any relationship at all at that age. I was too young, naive and stupid.

I can't change what past we had. Saying sorry a hundred thousand times will not help. Saying I will/have changed, will not help. He says I could be doing a hundred different things that could help our situation, but he won't be specific because he says I should know what they are. If you asked me to list them, I'd draw a blank. Nothing I do now can erase, fix or make the past better. I cannot soothe him, make it up to him or make it better in any way that I know.

So now, for the record, (because we all know how memories change) here's what I am doing.

• I don't shout at the kids.
• I discipline them consistently and calmly
• I keep their routine in order, putting my own wants and needs aside.
• I don't let them see me cry.
• I keep the house in order.
• I cook on a regular basis.
  
• I keep written checks on my moods and behaviours, charting and recording what happens when, so I don't forget.
• I take vitamins to keep my mind working properly
• I don't let his anger trigger my anger (usually)
  
• I don't judge his behaviour, even though I don't agree or condone some of the things he is doing.
• I don't nag him or ignore him, even when I feel like doing that.
  
• I make his coffee, breakfast and dinner, do his washing and ironing even though we are separated.
• I do these things for him, even though it makes me feel like a doormat, a label that makes me cringe at myself.
  
• I stay here in Malaysia, against all my better instincts that say me and the kids could have a better quality of life in Australia.
• I am still here, with the kids, after he has gone away for the weekend with his 'friends' and is so tired, he has to go to bed for the next 12 hours after he arrives home.
  
• I recognise that the kids love and need their Dad and that he adores and needs them too.
• I recognise that he is a good father and can teach them things I can't.

I know I've changed, a lot. If I was really BPD, I'd be yelling this in his face, desperate for him to come back. But I'm not. I've chosen to put it here instead, for my own record and peace of mind. He says things are much better than they were, but now there is no trust or confidence in me. The level of dysfunction that exists makes repairing this relationship impossible. I keep fantasizing that 'if only' he would do this and that or be that way, we could be back together. But that's not fair on him either, because then it's me wanting him to be something he's not and it trivialises his experience.

After all the thinking and anguish, I'm coming to accept that this is as good as it gets between us. A shame, because we are nice people and nice people deserve to be happy.