there were 5 whole weeks to go before our trip to Australia to visit my family. I looked again today and there's less than 2 weeks. HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN...
I need to go shopping. I think I do. It would be nice to bring a little something home for my friends who I got to know all over again last time I was in my hometown. Friends that I hadn't really seen for a very long time, but this time around decided to get in touch with again. It was great. We really connected, had lots of things in common and were able to share our lives with each other.
The last time I went home was, coincidentally, May 07. I was not coping with our tense and difficult situation. I was angry and jealous and spiraling down a few times a week. Almost-ex hated me as much as I hated myself. I didn't have any emotional support and needed to leave and be with people who cared about me. I said to almost-ex, I'm going home and I'm taking the kids, thinking it would be good to start my life a-fresh and get away from him.
The damage that decision did to my relationship with almost ex was devastating. He hated me and wanted to hurt me (he didn't, but he said he wanted to). He couldn't understand why I was leaving. He could fathom why I would want to take the kids away from him. He didn't let me take both, so we told my daughter that I would be going away to get rid of my angries and that her brother would be coming with me. I promised when i came back, we would put our family back together again. But, I knew I had to leave. I knew that if I didn't, I would die.
I left and after 4 months of family support and care, I came back, in much better emotional shape it turned out. I was calm and much stronger, having had a rest from the turmoil that was our situation. I missed my daughter terribly, but I knew I had to go. I'm not saying I went about it the right way, but I did do it my way, even if it was a little abrupt.
This time, I'm going for a holiday so that my family can see their granddaughter, niece and cousin. I'm going to reassure my parents that although I live here, I'm OK and not lost forever. I'm going to spend time with my sister, who, though I've never been close to, cried when it was time for me to leave and said "I've only just got my sister back." I haven't been the best sister in to her, I hope that I can make up for some of that.
And I'm going for myself. Because I need my family's support and kind words. They boost my esteem and don't take my failings too seriously. They comfort me and let me cry but are not scared to tell me the things I need to know. They are gentle with me when I need to be told, because they know I am sensitive. I hope they realise the difference they have made to my situation. They've made me stronger so that I can cope better with raising my children in a less than ideal situation.
And I'm so grateful to them.
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