wait a minute...what's going on!

The 'situation' is stable, that's what's going on. It's nice even. Almost ex has been happy and relaxed, going out a little, but not a whole lot (like he's trying to get away from me), he's playing with the kids a little more and even had breakfast with them, he's been having dinner with us (as opposed to by himself in his room), he made me a cup of tea (last time I remember that happening, I had not long given birth to my son - but then memories are fickle things), got me some water to have with my dinner ( and I didn't even ask and he went specially to the kitchen to get it) and has been a bit more chatty about things in general.

Does this mean things are on the up? I dare not speculate and I shouldn't even think about it because if things fall flat, spiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrral - and I need that like a kick in the head.

However, I am always wary when things are going well. I know there will be something down the road to explode in my face - some inane sign that he sees and I don't that I'm about to spiral into lunatic mode and when it happens, he says "I saw that coming a week ago".

Or the most dangerous of thought processes, my expectations rise and I think that his perception of me has gotten better, so I get more comfortable, more daring in the things I say and BANG! it all goes to shit.

I always swear to myself that this time will be different, that I won't let it be so - that I won't expect anything at all. But I can see myself reading meaning into things (like when he made me tea), where no meaning exists. As in the above paragraph, I think that because these things are happening, our situation might be improving and I come to expect things that are not there.

To me, this just shows me that in the deepest recesses of my messed up mind, I still care and can still see a life together. Lucky for me, the more independent part of me exists now (the part that writes this blog) and I can see these things happening, so can remind myself exactly WHY I don't want to get back together and why the distance between us is a good thing (remind myself right now that he has control issues, even if he doesn't think so, and that he holds me responsible for this whole sorry situation - well I don't think so PAL, because it takes TWO to tango, doncha know, and he is never going to admit his part in it and that is something I just can't handle!)

So, I will continue to do whatever it is I'm doing, and just focus on that - it's all I have to do. Stable, bide my time, be strong.



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