Fuck, I can't stay in a good mood to save my life...

That's about it. This week has been a normal week in terms of work, the 'situation', the kids schooling, and we're set to go away this weekend to a seaside town called Kuantan, in the state of Pahang (Malaysia's largest state my son informs me). Normally I'd jump at the chance to go anywhere away from here, but this weekend I just don't feel like it.

I've been cranky since Thursday mid- morning, but I feel like I've had this cranky undercurrent all week. I feel horrible about it and the self loathing that comes with it makes it worse. I could attribute the aforementioned crankiness to a few things:
1. My daughter asked almost-ex to go with her to pick up her report card, something that I was looking forward to doing. She wants him to go with her because he did last time (I was in Australia, so live with the consequences of THAT little decision) and he's able to speak to the teachers in Chinese. This is logical and it shouldn't bother me, but I guess it must, given that I can't stop thinking about it. It will be over soon and I really should be more of an adult about it.

And I think my daughter must have felt my disappointment, even though I tried not to show it because before she went to bed she wanted to read a story together and she chose one that we used to read when she was much younger. In it, there's a picture of the mum and the baby taking a nap together - something we always wanted to do together but couldn't because she'd never go to sleep. She's really sweet, isn't she.

Number 2 thing that has been bothering me. After almost ex's good mood, he became more withdrawn for reasons not apparent to me. I tried upping the "be nice to him" factor and happily cooked up one of his favourite snacks - didn't make a difference and all he could say was a very small, mumbly thanks and then proceed to tell me that mine didn't taste as nice as the ones his mum cooked and how I could do it better this way and that. (WELL, GET YOUR MOTHER TO DO IT FOR YOU SHIT HEAD, YOUR BLOODY LUCKY I EVEN DID IT BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE DOING THESE THINGS FOR YOU NOW THAT WERE SEPARATED!)

3. Now that I'm on a whinging roll, I can't stand the way some people sit back and tell you how to do things, but don't actually get in there and do it themselves. They sit back on their bloody thrones and 'direct' you when you're doing things but do they pitch in - noooooooooooooo! Uggh can't stand it. And almost-ex's family (father, brothers) all possess this lovely trait and they see nothing wrong with it. This issue came to the fore this week because my daughter was watching me cook up the fried snack for almost-ex and was telling me how I could do it better (not that I expected her to get in and do it herself). I nearly freaked. It really annoyed me, even though logically I knew she was just trying to help. I gently told her that even though it looks easy, there are more things to think about than what she can actually see. But the underlying feelings were scary - she's never going to be able to bring up issues with me if I react that way and these feelings (insecurity, anger and resentment at not being appreciated) were over something so small - I can't imagine what it's going to be like when she needs to speak to me about something important.

yep, what a nice person I am. I'm acutely aware of my failings, having had them brought to my attention for the past 18 years, but somehow, all the awareness in the world, can't seem to change the way I think or the way my feelings take over my thoughts. Fucking scary stuff.

Now, I need to eat. No, really I do because I've noticed when I get stressed, I don't eat anymore. Eating repulses me, appearing self indulgent and disgusting, so when I'm in a mood, I don't and end up getting really hungry.

Cheers.

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