Ever downwards and slowly upwards

Days like this convince me I have borderline personality disorder. I don't know if it's true and recently read somewhere that you should never diagnose yourself. I don't need to, I've got almost ex to do that for me, though he says he's just considering the "problem" (I'm the problem). Biding my time is difficult. The Suckfulness has not yet passed. In fact, the intensity of it has gotten to the point where taking Xanax was the only sensible solution. Three xanax in two days. The hate and anger were just sitting in my gut, waiting to explode. Poor kids. Cranky mother. The xanax made the anger go away, but made me dopey and sleepy. Had to cancel my classes. Poor autistic students - an inconsistent teacher is the last thing they need. Ugggh, I loath myself. My friends don't see this side of me - I have situational competence, as I've heard it called. I can be perfectly normal in most situations, but being with almost -ex (and it's not his fault), I'm a mess. At times (not all times) he just has to look at me the wrong way and it starts.


I couldn't think straight. Loved him, hated him (with even more intensity), loved him again, wanted him back, just wanted a second chance, I've changed a lot, can't you see. I can't stand this anymore, wait, I know it will pass. Please, I need a hug, I need someone to take care of me. I can't do this alone. you're ok, you get to go out, party with friends, drink and do god knows what else until you pass out. I resent that, I'm jealous of it - you get to do whatever you want and I'm supposed to make a life for myself in this hole of a town. Classic BPD. Take xanax and it's gone.

People with BPD are convinced that whatever they are feeling is real - and it is, but it's usually 'overdone'. The feelings, for me are very physical - painful to the point where I could bang my head on something and that would be less painful. We convince ourselves that 'if only' he loved me, if only this or that, we wouldn't be experiencing this terrible pain. The thing is, we would find something else to spin out on. If he did love me, it would be something else - he ignored me, he doesn't love me enough etc. And the worst part is, that the intensity of the emotions and the desperateness are the things that drive the very people we're supposed to love, away from us. We have trouble accepting that the other person is affected by us too and it's stressful for them, because we blame them for everything. Yet we expect them to be there for us and when they are not, all our fears of being unlovable and being abandoned are realised. And it's damn painful. You can't undo damage like that.

I'm OK now, but waiting for the next episode to strike. When it does I will remember, minimise the children's exposure, take xanax and IT WILL PASS.