I knew I didn't feel like it. Going away that is (see previous post). The bad mood, black cloud, call it what you will (inc, can I use The Suckfulness?) continued on. I was ready on time, almost-ex was late. Good thing we weren't in a hurry, so I didn't really care.
We're on our way to a lovely place called Kuantan, to stay at the Hyatt hotel and the rooms were free (courtesy gift vouchers from almost ex's brother). Anway, this place had a brand new shopping mall and we were keen to see it because we hadn't been shopping in a while. But the thing about malaysia is that nothing is signed properly, so we end up going round in circles. Then almost ex thinks he sees the turn and makes a quick turn to the left and boom, we hit something. That something turned out to be a motorcyclist. Lucky the guy wasn't hurt. But after talking with the guy and calming him down, almost ex gets in the car and acts like nothing has happened and goes to drive off. No apology, explanation about what happened or what words were exchanged, nothing. And the spiral starts.
When the 'spiral' is present, I can't make a decision about the simplest of things. What to eat, what to do - it's all just very difficult. So there we were, in the shopping centre, I'm in a spiral and getting worse by the minute and I just want to go home.
Fast forward a few hours, we've checked in, had a look around and a swim and we're eating dessert when daughter says "mummy, are there any nuts in this cake". No I say, I don't think so. "Well I've got a really itchy throat". I lept into action - bugger the seething rage sitting underneath the surface of me. An itchy throat means an allergic reaction and that means swelling and vomiting, all within the next few minutes. I order almost ex to take care of the bill and race with her to the room in the hope of getting some anti-histamine into her to control the swelling. We make it, but her mouth starts to swell anyways and she's got a sore tummy, poor thing. And of course, just as almost ex has settled on the toilet, she needs to vomit. The only place to let it go is in the bathroom basin, so we try not to look at almost ex, sitting there behind us while she empties the contents of her stomach.
Upon finishing, she perkily says, Hey, I feel better! I don't think she noticed the stench building. It turned out I had to call the hotel maintenance to help clean the basin out and they brought in their big vacuum sucker thingy to empty the pipes with. I did give that man a nice tip for his work.
Taht night though, the Borderline me really kicked in. Love him, hate him, want him back, no I don't, if only he said this and this etc etc, muscles turning into molten lava in a jealous fit because he gets to go out and I don't. Uggh I hate myself.
Sunday morning was better. I took the kids out on a kayak in the morning and it was great fun. More shopping and swimming, dinner at the hotel restaurant and a beachside walk - the four of us - later. Monday morning we drove back and were in time to get daughter ready to go to school at 1pm (she goes to school from 1 - 6 pm)
Sunday night was worse. Kids are sleeping and almost ex goes out. Returns at 2am to a seething BPD and I spiral and say all the things I promise myself I would say in front of him - I hate my life, situation everything about everything blah blah blah..... Oh my god, what is wrong with me. Why am I like this and why can't I make it go away!
It passes and monday morning, though very tired, we head back and things return to normal.
Ahhh, lovely holidays. Can't wait to have one of those again.
3 comments:
I'm pretty sure I didn't invent "The Suckfulness", but I'm sure whoever did wouldn't mind you using it.
Sorry to hear about the weekend away. The next one just may be better.
I don't know you. You don't know me. I stumble upon many the random blog, but I've come back and read yours a number of times.
I hope my feelings don't come across as too forward, or rude.
I just have an urge to tell you - it's OK to be angry. I was once 'diagnosed' with BPD, but it turns out I was just really really unhappy.
You seem to have sooo much time to think in a situation that you are clearly trapped in. All of your happiness seems to be on hold due to someone having this power over you.
It is completely unfair and when you suck it in and try to hold onto all of it for the children - well, the simmering kettle must release the steam.
To become angry at someone and to turn that anger into self loathing is a self-sabotaging pattern of thought. It fuels all the fires that will cause you to explode again.
I feel for you. The power he has over you - to come and go as he pleases, yet tie you to the country is not only completely unfair (ot matter how good a father he is) it is practically a Hollywood movie premise.
As for solutions to an unsolvable situation - well, I found exercise helps burn off the steam, and realising that it's ok to feel and release is key.
I could go on and on, but really....
*hugs*
Anonymous,
Thank you for reading and for your thoughts. You make so much sense, especially the part about being so unhappy. I did ponder that for a while, that I was just terribly unhappy and maybe it's actually true, but for now the behaviours are definitely there and I need to deal with them or risk hurting myself (not literally) and the children. Ex is a very strong person, and you're right, he does have the power in this situation (although he would disagree and if I brought it up, he'd say I was picking a fight with him), so I have to bide my time until we can both decide that it's time to return to Australia. Of course, I may be deluding myself and if he doesn't want to let them return, I will deal with that then. Until then, I need to be strong - that's where the exercise will help. Thank you again for your thoughts.
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