Malacca on xanax

We went to Malacca for a spot of shopping on Sunday. We didn't plan to but the cleaner didn't turn up and we were left with a day free. I thought we might stay home when ex commented that I'd mentioned wanting to go shopping in Malacca. Uh-oh. We never do anything without planning it the day before, reason being that we are so dysfunctional, we can barely get out of the door without one of us saying something to set the other off. So we plan and that works. It sounds so forced I know, but the level of dysfunctionality that exists after years and years of being together in this sort of relationship makes it necessary, especially to safeguard the children from any ill feelings that do crop up.

But.... this time I took a risk. I said yes, we'll go, but I need an hour to prepare and get the kids ready. No problem he says. Knowing myself as I do (being tense and just hating shopping with him because there's always something that goes wrong - don't ask me what, but just little things) I decided to take xanax before we left. What it does for me is take the edge of the emotions. It means I don't get defensive and shitty if he says something like " you should watch the children more closely" or " do we always have to go to McDonalds" - comments that I take personally and make me feel like screaming at him - I know, not reasonable, but it's true.

Sooo, off we drive in the big red car and head for Malacca and guess what...to our surprise we were able to be together the whole day without so much as a twinge of ill feeling - me anyway. And there were times when we had trouble communicating but it didn't trigger off the BPD type feelings I experience when this usually occurs.

I was so pleased with myself. I do want to be pleasant to him, but with the emotional control problems I have when I am with him, this is very, very difficult.

So I'm planning to take xanax whenever the need arises. I'm going to teach myself how things can be when I don't react to things personally and reconstruct my thinking patterns. Then I will slowly stop taking xanax for the little things and build up my emotional control. I will show myself that by not reacting personally, situations can be dealt with and the experience can be much more pleasant. I do not need to ruin everyone's day, just because I feel shitty. I should have taken xanax in Kuantan.

Shit, the above paragraph sounds like one of my own special ed cases!! Never mind, I need to think of my family and kids now and work on myself.

I'll blog the progress, if there is any.