If I hate ex so much as per the last post, why do I feel so bad when he goes out. I don't feel bad all the time, but tonight I do. It's not like it's anything new - he goes out at least a few times a week. What is inside me that is so broken, that I feel like this - love hate love hate love hate? I've read the BPD diagnostic criteria and this "flipping of affection" is a classic trait. It's one of the reasons I think I have it.
however I did hear from someone in a forum that they thought they had BPD and it turned out they were just really unhappy. That seems to be a more likely explanation for me. I've been very unhappy for a long time and I think it justs manifests itself in the anger and intense emotions I feel. But then again, I'm not a psychologist, so I don't really know. And it doesn't matter anyway does it. Label or no label, the feeling and behaviours are there and need to be dealt with. I know I make myself sound like a complete head case. In reality, if you were standing next to me, you'd just be standing next to a normal person. I'm really just like everybody else, but don't tell ex that, he won't believe you. :)
The xanax has been a big help. It just tides me over til I'm feeling better again. It dulls the emotions, slows the mind and generally provides a cooling down effect when my mind goes nuts. I only need it once in a while and by using it, hope to remove the black days. Since I've started taking it, the black days have been coloured pink, sometimes green. I'll need to go back to the doctor's on saturday to get another supply. It would be a bad thing to need it and not have it.
I've also stopped talking to ex about anything to do with how I'm feeling. He does ask sometimes, but I just shake my head and walk away. I don't know why he persists in asking. If I tell him, he's not going to like what I've got to say and he's not prepared to just listen, so I think, why bother. Do we really need to go there? No. I will forever keep my thoughts to myself. He will never know the real me, the me who has grown up, who thinks, who analyses, who is aware and thoughtful (for the most part). He will never know his part in getting me where I am today and that his hard work and persistence over the years have paid off.
One of the things I'm grateful for is that ex taught me how to look at myself and consider the impact I had on others around me. I really was that clueless, not ever thinking about anybody else but myself. Everything was about me. For years and years we spent hours fighting and talking about me, me and more me, something I despised for a very long time, yet he thought it necessary helping mend our dysfunctional relationship. Now I know better, I do better.
I kid myself and think that if only he could see the difference in me, he would think differently about me. It doesn't change how he thinks about me. and if he sees improvements in one area, he will go on about something else. I didn't realise that for a long time, always thinking that if I fixed this or that, then we'd be right. I couldn't have been more wrong.
When I had my first child, I thought that once he could see what a good mother I was, everything would be fine. I always wanted children and I had a very strong maternal instinct, even when I was a kid. My daughter is the same. So naturally, I thought I'd make a good mum and he would see it too. BOY WAS I WRONG. Having kids just presented more areas for me to make mistakes in and more areas for him to criticise (well that's how I take it anyway, whether it really is criticism or not).
Ex says I'm oversensitive - I probably am, no wait, I know I am. Have been for as long as i can remember. But that's just me. I can handle criticism much better now (ironically thanks to ex and all the talking aabout it), but it still hurts like a knife when someone says something I don't think is fair.
Ramblings on, i wonder what this will look like in the morning after a good night's sleep and and a clear head.
Night all.
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