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Ex's family are worried about him and talking to me about it. He doesn't talk to them about stuff anymore, just superficial day to day topics. Nobody knows what he's doing with his money, what he's thinking, where he's going. I often wonder if he, himself does.
I can see him two ways - a person so lost and damaged that he just has to fumble his way through his life in this current moment, trying to rebuild his work ethic, his esteem, his sense of who he is. Enjoy his kids, because with me as a mother, he may lose them anytime as one day I go over the edge and flee with them. In trying to 'find himself', he tries lots of things, keeps an open mind about what might be the turn around trigger in his life. He does his best and keeps out of my way, fearing he may give me a reason to spiral down and do only god knows what.
The other way I can see him is as a person who has had enough - enough of being strong for other people, of pushing for change, of being the one who has to take care of everything, maybe of being used, of being the considerate person who always loses out to the selfish people. So now he's living life for himself and nobody else. Stuff everyone, say his actions, I'm going to try new things and get the most out of life for myself. Stuff you, mother of my children, I've given you everything I had and you didn't appreciate it, so now we're separated, I'm going to find out what's good for me. Go to a cousin's funeral? Stuff them, they didn't come and see me when I was in KL all that time. Go to a respected uncle's 60th birthday? I don't think so, not going to KL unless I really have to. Engage in risky behaviour? If I know what I'm doing, why shouldn't I? It's fun and I don't get stressed out about it. Angry? of course I'm angry, look what you did to me!
I guess when I see him, I see both these sides of him. He's a complicated human being, as we all are. In one way, I feel for him. So sorry that I didn't see what he was trying to do, so sorry that I didn't recognize the problems that I did (and still do) have. So sorry that I wasn't ready for a full on relationship when we met (not my fault, I know). So sorry you've had to put up with all the dysfunctionality that I have and sapped your strength trying to just be right!
But then I also see an arrogant, intolerant bastard who refuses to acknowledge that he had anything do to with our problems and because it was all me, I'm the one who needs to go off and fix myself. All the while, he gets to come and go as he pleases, as if I owe him at least that much. He doesn't answer to me and I feel like I'm sitting on the side lines, waiting for him to self destruct. I hope it doesn't happen. I don't want the kids memories to read something like "well, I lost my father when I was 6 (or 7 or 8) and then my mum had to raise us..... While sometime I'm very angry at him, I don't wish badly on him, not seriously anyway. But at times, it does feel like I'm waiting for a 'catastrophe' to happen. One that will propel us jarringly and helplessly into a future where only one of us is around for the kids - and I know I definitely plan to be here. A future which neither of us can possibly predict.
Then again, there's another side to it, but I dare not go there. This is, of course, the happy ending. We both say oh I'm so sorry, I was wrong, I love you, trust you and respect you and live a life where we understand each other's mistakes, forgive each other and go on knowing that we have our children's best interests at the top of our lists.
But I think there is definitely such a thing as too much water passing under the bridge. Things said that can never be taken back, hurtful words and deeds, feelings that will only go away in the absence of the other person. My fear and sadness are all locked up in this. Sadness that
the happy ending can never be because of all the water that has passed and the fear because of the unknown future - who knows what will happen next. Truth is, none of us do, so we live life day by day and it's the best we can do.
How horribly medicore for you ex, who always wanted so much more for yourself and us. I'm sorry.
2 comments:
there's another happy ending. where you each find peace and happiness away from each other, with another partner, or without. and the children grow up knowing that even though their parents aren't married any more, they are loved and valued and special.
that's the happiest ending as far as i can see.
I agree, I don't think we're going to find happiness with each other and I guess I didn't think the children could be really happy if we were apart, but maybe I'm just being negative. And honestly, when we first separated, all I wanted for him was to be happy, with me or with someone else. Realistically, I know it's not me so ultimately, I think that's what will happen. thanks for your thoughts.
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