----------------
Now playing: Sopranos- Theme Song - Woke up This Morning
via FoxyTunes
Today was a normal day, especially nice in fact. Started off in the morning cooking rice for my mother in law who'd invited us for lunch. Then rang home to get the letters for the word puzzle they send me everyday via sms. (you get 9 letters and have to make as many words as possible and decode the 9 letter word. Results are graded as good, very good, excellent and genius)
It's a funny thing this word puzzle - when I was back home for holidays in May, we'd sit around the breakfast table and do this puzzle, all of us together - me, mum, dad, my daughter - and see whether we'd get to the genius level. It was relaxing, fun and when I came back, I missed it. So now I ask them to send the puzzle to me via sms and my daughter and I do it or I just do it on my own. I'm getting quite good now, I can usually figure out the nine letter word and get to the very good level. It's good for the brain, keeps that problem solving area ticking over.
Had a good chat to dad who'd answered the phone and we ended up talking about the way people do things. My dad is very much "do things when you feel like it" kind of guy, especially when it comes to doing things around the house. He's retired now, but still does things here and there, when he wants to. And of course it drives my mum crazy. I'm very much like my dad, at least I used to be. I'd think about doing things and think about them so much, I'd almost feel like I'd done them.
The point I made to dad, and I think it got his grey matter moving, was that you can have a huge list of things that you want to do but haven't (done) and a very tiny list of things that you've actually done. And I know for me, it wasn't good for my esteem, my skills or my life in general.
Fast forward 17 years and I'm a different person and glad for it. I do things for myself, off my own initiative, whereas before I was always being compelled by outside forces to get things done ie work, projects with ex etc. My list of things that I don't get done is much smaller than the list of things I do and I hope my dad can see that if it wasn't this way, I'd never be in a position to come back home.
Anyway, to the rest of the day. Lunch came and went, back home at 2-ish so that daughter can have some friends over at 2.30. At 2, ex calls and wants to know where we are, because daughter's friends have turned up a half hour early. So we get on to it and drive the 10 minutes home and are back at 2.15. Daughter has a lovely afternoon with friends and I do the housework and make afternoon tea. Later, ex comes into the kitchen and comments on how nice our daughter's friends are. I agree and then ask a stupid question, "BTW, how long were those girls here for?", thinking he'd say "oh 10 minutes, it's OK they were fine." but no, he said well, you guys got back at 2.30 and they'd been here since 2, so...." and he finished by shrugging his shoulders.
WRONG. TRIGGER. WRONG. MAJOR TRIGGER!
To my messed up mind, he wasn't interested in telling me how long they'd been there, he just wanted, again, to point out my mistakes and this really gets to me. I don't think he deliberately does it, but then I don't know him that well anymore.
I lay down in my room, to calm myself. I wanted to shout at him, make him see he was wrong, that not only were my daughter's friends early, but that we arrived within 10 minutes, not a half hour - but that never works for me, never has. So instead, I went to him and calmly told him I needed, for my own sake, a reality check. And I said "what time did the girls get here? 2? good, and what time did you ring me? as soon as they got here? good and I was leaving when you did that and it took me ten minutes to get here. OK? right! that's all I wanted to know." And I walked out. So I was OK - it happened as I thought it did.
I really did just want to know what took place because there's been times when he's said that something has happened and I know in my mind, that thing did not happen, yet he says it did (this is why I question who's got the problem here). I need to check what really happens, when the discrepancy is so obvious to me, so I don't drive myself stir crazy with self doubt and confusion.
If I was really mean, I could say that he plays mind games with me, to make me think that I really am incompetent and skewed. But he wouldn't do that... I don't think so.
4 comments:
this is interesting. i know from experience that we all have our own realities. and while we might think that there are certain immutable truths, ie things about time, events which happen, facts that happen in front of our eyes, those sorts of things, i'm learning that we all have different perspectives (yes, we know that) BUT i think that different perspectives includes sometimes a completely different reality or take on things. my last husband would really really believe certain things, and i would really really believe something else, and ne'er the twain would meet. they were impossible to have both happened, because for example the existence or occurrence of one made the other simply impossible, i can't think of an example, but the result was two opposing people, each who was certain they were right. because he was stronger (more brutal) than me, i ended up questioning and doubting myself. which is ok, even necessary, in the right context to try and achieve compromise between a couple, but in a volatile, warlike situation, you start to shut down and go numb and your brain doesn't work and it makes it all worse. this was my experience, and i know that two people can believe in their own truths, which can in reality be opposite.
i think the problems become worse when one or both people stop giving the benefit of the doubt and really start thinking the other person is against them. it's hard to come back from that "oh my god, i'm married to an enemy" position.
ps i noticed you went to your mil's for lunch, but ex didn't?
Hi Melba,
Thanks for sharing, I thought it was just me being crazy, but what you describe sounds exactly like what happens. Hearing that it happens to other people too, somehow 'normalises' it for me and makes it OK. And I know that numb feeling - oh too well.
Towards the end, before we split, I was hardly able to think and that made the situation all the more worse, as you say.
And no, he didn't go for lunch that day. He chose to stay home and work.
My name is Robert Kegan and i would like to show you my personal experience with Xanax.
I am 19 years old. Have been on Xanax for 60 days now. I have periodic panic attacks, particularly at social gatherings, riding in cars, and walking into rooms full of people (i.e. late to class). I felt that the medicine worked, but I felt that it created urges to take more than directed when the rebound anxiety hit, so I switched from alprazolam to clonazepam (Klonopin). I think xanax is great for airplanes and adjunctive treatment with ssri's, but by itself I don't think xanax has much too offer except as a short term treatment for panic attacks, klonopin is less sedating and seems to prevent future anxious episodes without causing cravings, and tolerance seems to build up much slower than xanax does.
I have experienced some of these side effects -
I sometimes felt invisible, like nobody could notice anything I was doing. Occasionally it would make me fall asleep if I had to stay in one spot for too long. After a fairly short period of time I would feel moderate rebound anxiety.
I hope this information will be useful to others,
Robert Kegan
Post a Comment