Last night, after sensing that I was in meltdown mode, ex came in to my room, sat down and wanted to know what was wrong. This is highly unusual because he never comes in, so he must have decided that it was what he needed to do. He was expecting to hear that this was it, I was going back to Australia. I found it slightly amusing, because he seems to think I hold all the power here, when I think the opposite, that he has all the power.
We talked about what was wrong. I told him it gets harder to see him go away and though I know I shouldn't be feeling like this, it still happens. He knows it's hard for me. He softened. Explained gently that I was just distracting myself from what I'd set out to do - be stable, care for kids, work on myself. He's right, I believed him. I relaxed.
He said "I sort of know what you want" which means that he thinks I want to get back together. Even though I haven't moved on as much as I thought I had, I DON'T want to get back together. When I think of how dysfunctional the relationship was, I know I don't want that, even though my feelings seem to be telling me otherwise. I told him so, he seemed convinced that for once, I knew what I was talking about. We both know it's irreconcilable.
We talked about the threat that hangs in the air for him - that one day he'll find me gone. I told him it's not going to happen, that I can't traumatise the kids with that, that I don't need to do any more damage to this family by taking off with the kids AND that if I was going to do that, I wouldn't have come back. He said hearing that eased his mind a bit.
We talked about how we'd both changed, but with our past, it was difficult to see the changes when so many things have so much baggage attached. I said I could see how he'd changed, in good ways and the bad ways and that I try not to judge him because of our past and what he feels he has to do now (ie find himself outside of the dysfunctionality). I told him I'd changed too, that he didn't know me anymore because, how could he, we never talk, about anything. I don't share my life with him for the simple reason is that I will start to expect things back. sharing personal things is an emotional investment I'm not prepared to make. I have to be careful with myself. He thinks it's just talking but it's not for me. Talking to people means connecting with them and I can't connect with him then watch him walk out the door - not now anyway. And I'm very aware that a few blog entries ago, I said that I wished we could connect over something. I've decided it's too painful. Call me oversensitive, but that's just the way it is for now.
He said the desperate-ness with which I want him to see the changes is part of the BPD symptoms I experience and it doesn't help me, because then all I think about is what he thinks of me. He said it's not important what he thinks of me, I've just got to be happy with myself. He said he doesn't carry around the anger anymore the way he used to, he doesn't wake up every morning and hate me. He said we both need to get on and do what each of us needs for ourselves. He's right.
He told me how bad he felt not being able to make a success of himself, how he's only operating at about 10% of his capacity. How he's working to make more of himself. Hearing that, restored a little of my faith in him, because as much as he doesn't believe in me or trust me, I feel the same way about him.
Seeing the mood was non-threatening and reasonable, I mentioned the kids education - the fact that I want them to have their secondary education in Australia. I can't remember how I brought it up, I think it was part of the "I'm not going anywhere right now" part of the conversation. I told him that I knew it wasn't time for that, it's still a few years away, but at the same time, let him know that I want to take them back. He didn't protest about it, he didn't talk about the possibility of it happening here. He said things like this need planning (and funnily enough he mentioned being left here with all the furniture), that we can't just "up and go"- and the light at the end of the tunnel switched ON. I can plan it with him and make it happen. I'm fairly certain now, (but still a little guarded) that if I play my cards right, he will let me take them back to go to school in Australia. THIS I can handle, even if I have to wait for the next two years. THIS will help me get though it. THIS is what I want to hear, that there's something at the end of all this, that eventually I'll be able to move back, with both my kids.
Back to life.
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