With one hours notice, ex has just left for the next two days and I should be happy. I should be completely at ease. But I'm not. The feelings of abandonment are overwhelming. Him leaving still generates a rage and hatred I didn't think possible and don't understand. It makes me want to take the kids and leave. I've taken our passports out of the draw.... put them back again... thinking about it. I want to hurt and damage stuff, tear his room to shreds, throw is $2400 monitor across the room, crush his phone to pieces underneath with my foot. Remember the children I say to myself. Focus on the good stuff. Then, why the fuck should I stay here? To watch you come and go as you please, you fucking inconsiderate, weak, pathetic arsehole. WHY was I never good enough for you? You think you're so good.... I clearly haven't moved on.
Then I lost it. I lost control and let it all out. a scream that felt really good to get out and after that another one. Trouble was, I'd forgotten my son was in the next room and when I'd remembered, I found him covering his ears. I feel so bad and ashamed that I couldn't control myself. Have I scarred him for life, will he remember this when he's older? Probably. But I can't take it back now, so I'll have to deal with it in the calmest way possible, to let him know I'm OK. Sometimes mummies get upset I'll tell him. I'll cuddle and kiss him and show him that I love him and tell him it's not his fault. Children should be protected from the major shit, but I didn't protect my son. I let him hear the grief, things he shouldn't be hearing. So bad....time for xanax so that this can pass. The xanax is kicking in, so I'm going to lie down and later, it will be OK again and I'll be over the whole abandonment thing and pleased that he's gone.
2 comments:
your son will be ok but i'm worried about you, jo.
it's a situation that is untenable. your instinct is to not be there, but unfortunately you are or feel trapped or have decided that this is the course you want to take.
i'm not saying anything one way or another, but it will take its toll. it can't not. so you need to find a way to improve the situation.
can you live separately? it might make all the difference... could you live with your inlaws? would that be a better option? it's not great but better maybe? can he live with his parents...
you need to think about this, because you can't go on like this, something needs to give and it can't be your sanity and your health. your kids need you.
hugs hugs hugs.
xxx
Thanks Melba, for your concern. Unfortunately the situation is set in stone. He will not move out, we can't afford it, we only have one car and if I leave, well that's it, I lose one of my children. I'd really rather tolerate the bouts of stress than have that happen. It all comes down to acceptance. If I let my emotions and thoughts just roam free, it's bad, but if I focus and control myself and accept that I can't change what is, I'm OK. And believe it or not, the situation now is so much better than we when we were actually together.
Thanks for the hugs.
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