The past two weeks, I have to admit, thoughts of going home have consumed me. It was lurking just under the surface of everyday life, willing me to plan, fantasize and make decisions all based on coming home at the end of next year.
Anwar is taking over the government - good, I'd think, now maybe if the racial tension gets bad enough, it will be a good reason to go home.
Ex asked to transfer some money - great I'd think, he's running out and won't be able to support us. I'll be able to go home, work and support the three of us.
My daughter was unhappy at school - poor thing, but hey, maybe I can put this to ex to see if he will agree to let me take them back for their education. Never mind that 12 months ago, I'd already agreed that we'll wait a few more years til they get older.
Son's behaviour is getting worse - OK, I was thinking, this is not good, maybe if I explain that this situation is affecting our son's behaviour, he'll agree and let me take them back to Australia so that they can settle down.
What I didn't consider, as people with BPD never do, was the reality. That, none of the above reasons is as important as the kids having their father around to influence them. That if i work at containing my moods, the situational tension doesn't impact as much and we can function like most other families. That ex can still get work from outside home to pay our expenses. That talking to the children about what's happening around them and spending more time with them instead of laying on the couch will help them to settle down and cope. And that with a few adjustments to the current situation (I get a car, a job and the freedom to travel to and from Australia), we can make this situation acceptable.
This is Borderline Personality Disorder mode (or emotional dysfunctionality). I feel strong, confident and most of all, RIGHT! I am the victim and ex is the one with the problem. Oh yes, I say that I know I have problems, but on the inside, I'm blaming him for not trying, for not being a better person. I catalog his behaviours and build my case. There, see how you did this and that and what a bad person you are too. I chart my own behaviours and look at how well I'm doing at keeping the house, getting the kids off to school and if I have a mood, well, who wouldn't be angry, look at how I'm living. Poor me. I blame it all on something else. I'm selfish and self centred. It's all about me.
The time has come to take responsibility for my own situation, instead of blaming it on something or someone else. I've been here before though and I always, always slip back. I need to step up to the plate myself and be the person that this situation needs. It's been a long 12 months since I got back from the extended stay. It's going to be a very long 3 years if I just keep thinking about what I want and what I think is best. I need to put my children's needs first so that they come out OK on the other end. Just because this is hard for me, doesn't mean it needs to be hard for them. It shouldn't be hard for them. They are just children and shouldn't have to deal with the big stuff yet.
People tell me I'm strong, but they don't see the weak, selfish parts of me. The mean parts that don't care about what ex's perspective is, that don't consider what will happen to the children if they lose their father at this stage of their lives. My empathy doesn't exist, hidden away and dominated by what I want and what I need. I can shamefully admit that my compassion for ex fades completely when I am like this and that I always feel justified in my anger and resentment. Never mind the toll this is taking on him. I want what I want, and I want it now.
I'm not giving in, though. I can make this work if I stay focussed and minimise the harm that these moods can do.
I've always had trouble going out of my comfort zone and when I was younger, my whole life was about staying within the realms of what I felt was right for me. Now I'm right out of my comfort zone in every way possible. I need to speak another language and instead of embracing the opportunity, I shun it and speak broken malay and pitiful chinese. I need to make use of my skills as a special education teacher but I've limited myself by not learning the language and not turning up as much as they need me to. I'm not anonymous here, being the only white female. But I resent it instead of working it to my advantage. By not embracing life here, I've just made it more difficult for myself. Now that I'm committed to the next three years, I can plan to turn this around. I can make a difference here and my kids can enjoy their time and have their father around. Then, when it comes time to go back, maybe we can all move back and ex and I can share custody and the kids will be OK, because they know that their parents love them and will move heaven and earth for them.
I'm going into bat for my kids. They deserve it. Cheer me on people, I'm going to need it. But don't feel sorry for me, I am not the victim.
3 comments:
hey you know i don't know whether you've been officially diagnosed with bpd (like, from a medical doctor in australia rather than ex or any of his doctors or family or whatever) but what you are describing to me often sounds like a very NORMAL reaction to alot of stresses you have in your situation.
while it's nice to have a label or a box to put oneself into, and to help understanding of self, i'd be wary of automatically thinking you are bipolar. what the fuck is that anyway? aren't we all of us all over the shop? up and down? struggling?
just a thought.
hugs to you.
xxxx
Thanks Melba, I haven't been officially diagnosed, but I've done a lot of reading and the behaviours they describe are soooo familiar it's hard not to believe it. However, I am aware that extreme unhappiness and stress can also cause behaviours like this. Interestingly enough, it was ex who found a book on BPD that described what he's been through. It's not the same as bipolar. I go back and forth believing I have it or don't have it. I do think a lot of the things I experience are a result of the stress I have.Whether it's BPD, Emotional dysfunction, or whatever the fuck he wants to call it, I still have to cope with my own actions. They may be normal, but at the frequency that they occur, they are hurting all of us. So I think, what's the harm in reading a little, learning new coping strategies etc. And my rage has always worried me. It's very intense. Maybe the stress brought it out, but I've still got to manage it. thanks for the hugs.
xx
PS and yes, I think a lot of other experience all of what I experience, and maybe it's me that's just not very good at coping with 'normal things.
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