Achilles Heel

I was just reading another blog where the person mentioned that everyone has an Achilles heel, that point of weakness that no matter what 'personal development' you've done, no matter how strong you think you are, a blow to that nerve point will send you crumbling.

I found mine on Friday morning, thanks to ex. He'd left to go away for 4 days rest. So stressed out was he about our conversation on taking the kids back and my reactions, or his perceptions of my reactions, that he just had to get away. We were both stressed.

I drove him to the bus station. OK, holding it together then, but still wondering why I hate it so much when he leaves us here. Then, giving in later on to the 'need' to call him (and torture myself), we talked over the phone and he was calm and I wasn't. It was all about me, why I wanted to go back, why I have nothing here, no family, shit schools, what if something happens blah, blah, blah. Talking, talking about I don't know what and the 'same old thing' and he says

"you could have done 1000 things differently and we could have been back together already"

and a hot knife, went straight through and hit me right in the middle. My muscles turned to lava - they were literally hot - and I LOST it, ending the self inflicted call with "WHAAAAT... (splutter, guts turning inside out) DON'T EVER SAY THAT AGAIN. And I hung up. I wanted to slam the phone down in his face, but these damn cordless phones....

To say I was angry and hurt would be a complete understatement. It was a thousand times that. In that single moment, he made his point so completely about all this being my fault. And he said it so calmly. Like I should know. Like I should be able to list the ways that I could have saved our marriage - something that has always alluded me. Like I could have done it all by myself. Like I HAVEN'T FUCKING TRIED MY ARSE OFF, TO FIX THIS HORRIBLE MESS.

I almost upped and left then. No suitcases, nothing. Me, the kids, the passports and the car. Fuck you....pig. Too bad I was so upset I couldn't even drive. I calmed down a bit and rang him back. Asked him why he said what he did. He apologised, said sorry and he just meant it as a reference to our past. Still... it was said and there's no taking it back.

Of course, me being the people pleaser I am, racked my brain for the next 3 hours wondering how things could have been different if only....

Ugggh, I'm so tired. I'm going to bed now so that wake up tomorrow and look the next three years in the face with a minute bit of clarity.