Well, this is a real newsflash. Really. He got angry at me. I let him. I knew he would when I told him to tell me what I'd done wrong so I wouldn't do it again (one of his own lines he uses with me). He let me have it, in his own way. My ex doesn't shout and rarely raises his voice. But this time, he did raise his voice - it was strong and forceful, but not rageful. I took it. I stood there and listened and told him I was sorry. I said I'd made a mistake and would look out for it next time. And while he was doing this, I listened. I thought, what's the real issue here. What's the message he's sending me. And when he'd finished, I apologised again and walked away, head held high. Next morning, I made him breakfast, made small talk and acted though nothing had happened. I was OK. No spiral, raging thoughts, no hate or violence in my head, no victimising myself, thinking poor me, I'm stuck here and he's angry at me. None of that. Just a calm mind and a body that was getting on with things, carrying out the routine.
He on the other hand, was grumpily quiet, speaking only the barest of words, to me anyway. I still didn't spiral, I still didn't think that he shouldn't be angry with me anymore, I just let him be, let him get over it. And he did, the next day. Me, no more toxic anger holding me back, this time anyway. Just doing what needs to be done, being as civil as always.
THIS reaction is very strange, for me. Especially since I didn't think his anger was warranted. I really didn't. The issue was very minor from my perspective, but obviously not from his. But I knew he was angry about it. I saw his face change during the conversation we were having at the time. Later he told me I'd over-stepped his boundary, hadn't communicated properly with him, had overridden what he was trying to do, I'd mixed medications and didn't consider his opinion. It's what you always do he said, you only do what you think is right. Fuming anger.
What WAS this over? My son has had a small rash on the side of his face, more than likely excema. When I didn't seem to be doing anything about it, ex decided to treat it using Vitamin E cream. After 2 - 3 days I saw it wasn't working, and had gotten some mild hydro-cortisone cream to treat instead. I didn't tell him and I had started applying it, with the rash gradually fading. I asked ex if he'd noticed that the rash was fading, because I was using a different cream. He looked at me and said, "Just take him to the doctor". And that was it - anger, silence, and the rest you know.
If I could have done this 15 years ago, my past and present would be vastly different. But I wasn't up to it, didn't see it could be done, was too protective about being right and in the end, the whole things a bloody mess. But I've learned, and what's more, the toxic rage that has swirled inside me for so long, is finally starting to quieten.
2 comments:
good on you jo. yes, this sounds like real progress. you can be proud of yourself, and to ex's credit, you are both moving through these sorts of issues in a less destructive way. once you show him that you are changing your behaviour patterns and reactions, he will start to adjust as well.
i'm happy for you.
and gee, you write so well.
Melba, wow, thanks for the compliment. And I'm so glad you see his side as well. Now that things are in total disrepair, I often forget how hard it is for him. I hope he does start to see the change, but if he doesn't, I'm not going to stress over it. He will see it when he's ready (or not).
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