My wonderfully funny, sensitive, extroverted boy. Big, brown eyes that are the perfect mix of Chinese and Caucasian, his face always changing with different expressions, his long, slender fingers moving with flourish as he speaks. He's a performer, imaginative and obsessive at the same time, maddeningly talkative, bright and sparkly, cheeky and an all-over amazing kid.
But he has problems, my boy. He's rigid, obsessive about certain topics, controlling and can have spectacular meltdowns on trivial issues. He wants things done his way and they have to be just so. He tells half truths or no truths, he's a bit sneaky and has trouble articulating his feelings. He has trouble focusing his attention. "Put your pyjamas on", I say night after night, only to come back a half hour later and find him naked on the floor, reading a book or playing with his favorite toy (no, not his penis).
His teachers adore him. He's been there for 3 years and I know they'll miss him when he moves on. They spoke to me at the parent teacher interview the way I speak to the parents of the kids that I adore. Laughing about his little quirks, being sure to emphasize his strengths. I'm so glad I chose that school for him. They've handled him wonderfully, putting him in the thinking chair when he needed time out, helping him with his chinese and malay and his behaviour. He does love that school.
His controlling behaviour bothers me - a lot. When kids play with him, he just doesn't blend in. He wants them to play his way or no way. When we do things with him or he gets something on his mind, he WILL NOT let the issue go, until you agree with him. If he wants to perform for my aunty on the web cam, he will, whether I want him to or not. He manipulates and plays up until you let him or don't notice him any more and then he'll do it anyway. He takes a good hour to eat his dinner (and it drives ex nuts), he breaks things and lies about it. He started behaving this way as he emerged from toddler-hood. So, in the last 3 years really - he's 6 now.
My father saw how challenging he can be when we stayed with them for 4 months in '07. He worked with him, making situations where my son would want his own way, but would have to settle for his Opa's. My dad (Opa to my son) is the most patient man on earth. My son improved, he was happy and relaxed.
Lately it's been like he's done a complete turn-around. But then life is different here. We're not relaxed, though we try to be. His life here is school in the mornings, boredom in the afternoons. He plays computer and watches tv, and it's hard not to let him have those things too much. 2 hours of tv at the most, and an hour of computer. He has some play time with his dad, the park and swimming occasionally if the weather holds and it's not too hot. Friends his own age are few. There are no animals - he's loves my parents dog, Kia and my sis's dogs, Chucky and Tilly, but we can't have pets. So, life's a bit boring for an active 6 year old.
Talking to my sis today set a light bulb off. His controlling behaviour could be due him picking up on the stressful situation in the house. He can't control his environment, so he seeks to control those around him. It's not constant, but it's there - the controlling behaviour. Interestingly, ex says he's like me and my whole family say he's like ex! The only solution, my sis said, was to come home. Take him out of the situation before he's scarred for life. I hadn't thought about that. I hadn't considered that he'd be so affected by all of this, that there's a good chance he'll carry it on into his adulthood. And of course, not just him, but his sister too. While this is definitely a concern, I've thought about the trauma that running away would induce. I don't know which is worse.
Of course, after the phone call today, I cried. I cried because I can't extricate myself soon enough to stop this. Because I don't have the balls to stand up to ex and say I need to take the kids home - NOW! I cried because my beautiful, little boy, so innocent, has the need to control those around him because he feels so out of control.
Now I'm aware that this is just one scenario. Maybe he's going through a phase - maybe not. So today I started with talking. We had pizza picnic on my bedroom floor and I told him that everything was going to be OK and that we loved him very much. I didn't pressure him to come out with anything, just said that if he ever had sad feelings, that it was OK and that we can talk about it. We talked some more and ate home made pizza. It was nice and he enjoyed the attention and seemed to relax a little. We've been remiss in talking to him. Sometimes he talks so much, it's all we can do for a bit of quiet. But he needs us to talk to him, to tell him things and to bring up subjects that maybe he's a little shy to ask about or can't quite articulate.
My promise to him from now on is that I won't assume he's not noticing things, just because he doesn't ask all the right questions. I promise him that I'll talk to him everyday, giving him the words he will need to express himself and be gentle when he's feeling so stressed that he needs to meltdown or control those around him. And I will promise him my time and attention whenever he needs it.
I can't take us home right now, but I can be there for him when he needs it.
3 comments:
as you say, it may not be due to the circumstances or environment. sounds like he might just be like that. some people are. and maybe the environment is accentuating it, or bringing out more.
i wouldn't worry about him being scarred for life unless there are other indicators.
is he eating? is he sleeping? is he happy enough? is he regressing in any areas?
obsessiveness, quirkiness and controlling behavious are not abnormal. especially the controlling behaviour thing. it's normal for children to want their way and depending on how clever they are, to shift heaven and earth to get it.
try not to get tunnel vision (hard in the intense situation) but you'll end up pathologising everything.
oh motherguilt!!!
great, isn't it?
lots of the behaviours that you mentioned are present in my 6yo too. it's easy to think that it's everything we're doing wrong, that we've scarred them for life, that we are terrible mothers. i think that just about every second day.
when i feel this way, i try to remind myself that it's ok to be a good-enough-mum. an ok-mum with moments of brilliance! that's what i aim for.
sometimes i get it right, other times it feels as though i'm just muddling through blindly.
i'm hoping that it balances out in the end. that when they're grown, the fact that they ate penne three nights in a row, because i was just too exhausted to think of making anything else, won't make much difference in the scheme of things.
i could go round and round in circles wondering about the psychological trauma my kids are suffering because of separated parents. i think about it often! i feel a bit teary just thinking about it now!
anyway.
i think i'm rambling!
just wanted to say thanks for sharing Jo.
Thanks Melba. He is sleeping, eating when he's hungry and generally happy. He's affectionate and co-operative most times and no, he's not regressing. It's heartening to hear that it may not be circumstantial, though now I'm aware of it, I will watch for other behaviours. I realise now that his behaviour on it's own may be just part of who he is, rather than a manifestation of any stress that he might be having.
Hi projectivist, thanks for sharing too. I loved the comment about the '3 nights in a row penne'. I will remind myself that there is a bigger picture and that it will probably all balance out in the end.
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