Looking ahead

One of the problems ex and I always had was that I would agree to something, and not keep up my end of the bargain. In the day to day things, it was little and sometimes big, errands that I'd say I would get done and either wouldn't get them done at all or if I did, it was always late.

In our personal life, I'd agree to change my behaviour - a behaviour that bothered or irked him or that he found unacceptable and no matter how much it meant to him, I just couldn't change it. Things like cutting people off when you talk or we'd be talking at night (again) and I'd fall asleep! Driving, listening, not making issues all about me (hard when I'm the central theme) and many other things that I've relegated to the back of my mind and do not wish to retrieve. I just couldn't change - until I did some thinking of my own. Then I changed, on my own terms.

I agreed to do something... and didn't keep up my end of the bargain. Now I've agreed that I will stay here for the next three years... what if I can't do it? I've been thinking about this for the past few days and know that it's a possibility that I won't be able to see this time frame through. Three years is a long time, longer in a difficult situation and self doubt can turn the strongest intention into a lot of wasted breath.

So how do I stop myself from repeating my past? Will power is not the answer - in my younger days all the will power in the world didn't stop me from slipping back into old bad habits.

So now what? Firstly, I am very lucky that the people most important to me have supported me in my decision. They don't necessarily agree with the decision I made, but they have said - you've agreed to this, you must be strong, you must make the best of it. Being a people-pleaser, I'm so glad they said this instead of getting upset and saying "come home!" I know that my most important people are very worried about me. They want me home, but know as well as I do, why I can't leave and throughout this whole saga, they have sat by and let me make my own decisions. I will always be grateful for that.

So on to how I think I'm going to do this. I think the answer lies in a change of perspective, attitude and a few conditions. The conditions being that we will purchase another car for me and I want to be able to work.

Getting a job was the easy part. Not bragging, but being a native speaker of English and a teacher qualified to teach special education, my skills are in high demand. For months I've been putting off accepting offers to work in both fields because I didn't know what was happening. Now I know, I can accept and commit. So I have 2 outside jobs - one as a consultant teacher to the local autistic centre and the other as an English teacher at a tuition centre. And I can still fit my 3 current students in around these times.

Busy schedule? Yes. Too much? I don't think so. Ex has promised me full use of the car to get around while we wait to buy another one and has said that if the housework gets too much (not that I do alot, as we have a cleaner come do most of it twice a week), he will employ the cleaner for an extra day. Great! Can't complain now, can I? No, and I won't.

During the conversation that I had with ex to outline these conditions, we were amicable and honest, saying that we'd try our best. It's what we have to do. The kids need us to step up and do this. We both know it, we both agreed on it. We also know that just because we've agreed to it, doesn't mean it will happen. The fundamental concern here is that any other options will involve traumatising the kids and though we have our issues, we both still want what is best for them. And as their parents, we both think that this is the best option, for the next 3 years at least.

So what else? Travel is on the cards. Malaysia is close to many great destinations so the thought of travelling while I am here is very attractive. We'll see what happens with that one though. The local currency (Ringgit) is not strong, so a lot of things overseas are expensive. But hey, you never know. Flights from Singapore to Darwin are cheap and I have always wanted to visit the Top End (of Australia), ever since Daryl Somers was advertising it all those years ago.

And? I need to get out more. I'm the type of person who needs to connect with people. I don't know how ex did it all those years with me in Australia. No family and just a few friends. Mostly staying at home. I was so happy when he took up golf, just so he'd get out a bit. But one of the things I pine for when I'm here is the connection with people who understand and accept me. I don't know if I'll ever get that here (we are so different, my Chinese friends and I) but I can try.

And of course, there's blogging, web cam and email. Why just today, my lovely cousin made it possible for me to attend the annual family reunion, held every year to honour my Oma who passed away quite a number of years ago. Some people don't think it's important to go, but I do and I did, every year. So he brought along his laptop and portable modem and hooked us up for 20 or so minutes so that I could talk and see the people there. It was nice and bizarre all at the same time. Kind of like a fish bowl. When he went to get something to eat, he put the laptop to the side of the room but kept the connection running so that I could look in. It was like looking in a window and it was strangely familiar. Wait, I know - it was like sitting there with no-one to talk to, which used to happen a lot to me at this particular function. That was probably a reflection of my conversation skills rather than my family ignoring me, but I digress.

With the world being so technically connected, there's really no excuse for not keeping in touch with those so far away. So that's what I will do. I will ring, email, skype, messenger, facebook, sms, mms, web cam and who knows what else - options, options, options!

So there we have it. An agreement made, a plan in place. And of course, I will keep you posted on this blog. Life happens so fast, I need to write it all down just to remember it.

Cheers!