Am I meant to be here?

I need to think this through. Eckhart Tolle, author of A New Earth, says "You are having this experience because you need to have it." Really? Is what we are going through now, preparing us for something later in life? If we deal with our shit in a positive way, will it come back to us later as karma?

I'm smart enough to know that most people (including me) will use anything they can to justify the decisions that have been made and help themselves feel better. And I could be using what Tolle says to make myself feel better about my current situation of having to stay here for the good of the children when I'd really rather be back home in Australia.

I guess what I'm really pondering is whether what Tolle is says is actually true. Are we meant to have certain experiences that will shape who we become? What about all those children who are abused and molested? Are they meant to be having that experience too? Maybe it only applies to adults who are in control and are thinking about life changes. He didn't say that, but I don't see how it could be applied universally, especially to children. Was ex meant to have 15 years of arguing, just so he could arrive at this point in his life, bitter and twisted about women?

One of the more serious problems in my relationship with ex has been my need to fight for what I want - whether I wanted something or didn't want something, I felt the need to push my opinion through and I couldn't let it go. On reflection, I know this was my ego pushing itself, defending itself, needing to be right. If not, I/it would be angry, depressed and feel victimised. Resentment would build up until the next time and well, the rest is history, the consequences are now.

The decision to stay here for the next three years twisted my mind in more ways than I ever could have imagined. Family and friends gave their opinion based on my stories and what they had seen in the past. Even though my strongest feelings urged me to go back, I made the decision to put them on the back burner and go with what my head told me was right - stay here, let them be together, let them be with their father. If that's what they need, then so be it. My needs can come later. I know my decision was the best one in the circumstances, even though some people around me think otherwise. So from Tolle's perspective, this experience should help me become the person I need to be when the children are older and they are no longer my lovely, cute, cuddly kiddies who want to snuggle with their mummy in the mornings. When they are ranting, hormonal teenagers who need guidance and space, my ego will need to be firmly in it's place, away in the back of my head.

Tolle's book has made me think of the many good things have come my way since I've been here. I've come to appreciate my family and friends a lot more than in previous years - this was something that was sadly lacking during all the years that we were living in Melbourne. I've made some great new friends. I've been able to contribute in my own way by teaching the little group of children that have come to me over the past 3 years - 9 in total - kids with varying degrees of disability, autism and behaviour problems. Each of these children have improved under my teaching - as they should because that's my job. So I have made a difference.

Perhaps the issue, is not whether I am 'meant' to be here or not. Simple fact is, I made a decision and I AM here - and I can't change it without a whole lot of trauma involved. So, while I AM here, I might as well value the experience for what it's teaching me. Sometimes the lessons are hard and often it's very painful. Pushing the ego back into it's place and so letting 'rational mind' come though to make the decisions is a valuable thing to learn.

It often takes loss and trauma to learn life's lesson. Although I haven't lost anyone per se, (no-one's died), I have lost my marriage, my way of life, my choice of education for my children and the future I had imagined. Now, everything is uncertain. I'm even uncertain about what will really happen in three years time, when more difficult decisions need to be made.I've always been one to learn the hard way, so maybe this is the way I was meant to learn this particular lesson. Follow your head, not your feelings.

Ouch.