Do you ever get sick of thinking?

The good mood is still around. Thank the universe for small miracles. Honestly, I keep expecting it to disappear. I will enjoy it while I can.

We went out as a family on Friday night, a situation in the past that has ALWAYS been fraught with tension. However, it went OK. The kids had been wanting to eat pizza for a few days and as ex had been away, I think he felt obligated to take us out for the night. I wasn't complaining, because it meant I didn't have to cook, so off we went. It went smoothly enough, though ex does get on the kids a bit about their eating habits and the fact that they like to order the same thing. So we ordered a little differently and tried not to spill anything. - honestly, you'd think we were complete pigs, but really, we're not - ask my friends. We're just normal - and the kids are normal - they do spill, but then so do most kids.

Anyhoo, I won't go on about that and spoil my mood. Ex wasn't as vocal as he usually is, so we had a reasonable meal. An hour later, we were back home, kids playing quietly. I think I'm writing this to remind myself that going out as a family is not as stressful as I remember it to be. Only 6 months ago, I was taking xanax before an event that I thought would trigger a mood swing - now when we go out, I brace myself a little, I'm more conscious than I usually am, but I don't take the xanax and we get through it OK.

Come to think of it, it's been quite a while since I've had to take xanax. That's gotta be a good thing.

I spoke with my sister the other day and she asked an interesting question. We were talking about how I'm going over here and I said that I was really good and that I'd been reading this and that and thinking about whatever and she said: "Don't you ever get sick of thinking?"

She didn't mean the everyday kind of thinking, she means thinking about my stuff, the way I am. I absolutely do - especially about myself. But if I didn't think, I'd be more of a mess than I already am. Thinking about stuff helps me keep it rational, keeps the emotions in check and if I stop (which I have, many times) I go off the rails (which I have, many times). It's in nobody's interests for me to stop thinking about all this stuff - the moods, the way my mind works, strategies for dealing with shit that happens - nobody's I tell you. Emotions are not your friends.

My sister's place is the place I go when I want to stop thinking. It's a no-think zone for me. Kids play, I rest and I don't have to pretend I'm in good mood. If I'm hungry, I can get myself something to eat or drink (I know where the kettle and the coffee are) and if I'm tired, I can go to sleep - just like that. No explanations needed. Someone (my sis has 2 or 3 kids capable of looking after my kids who are younger), will look after the kids. If not, the tv is right there. Her couch is the most perfect fall-asleep-while-you-watch-tv couch I've ever had the pleasure to nap on and no-one will bother me (unless it's really late).

I miss it, and I miss her. My sister and I have never really been that close, though we've tried. We're just not that similar. But since last years extended trip, I've come to appreciate who she is and what we are to each other. We're family. She helped me more than she knows, letting me nap on her couch, taking me in when I couldn't stop crying and just letting me be - no explanations.

I know she thinks I made the wrong decision to come back, but she still talks to me and she still supports me and listens to my shit. I didn't want to leave her, but I had to come back because I had to think of my children. All these years, when I was living in Victoria, I wasn't a good sister. I was judgemental and bossy, typical know-it-all older sister. Yuck. Now that I know better, I can see who she is without my judgements clouding my vision. Our relationship is better, even if I am miles away. When I get back, we'll pick up where we left off.

Now I can tell her, if I didn't think, I wouldn't miss her half as much as I do.