Having thought (yet again) how I've managed to turn things around for myself, I've come to the conclusion (one of many) that it's the degree to which I get emotionally involved that matters the most.
If I'm emotionally involved in something, I have an expectation that I will get something back from it, whether it be praise from another person, a smile, a thankyou, affection, love. Then if I don't get it and I 'want' it, I have feelings of anger, resentment and a host of other 'lovely' emotions come up and take over.
The more I do for someone, the more involved and attached I get - and I'm guessing that would be the case for anyone.
This little issue has come up because ex is asking me to help him with something at the pub and I haven't been able to say no. It's like dipping your foot into a lake and then falling in - become a little involved, become a lot. I know I need to keep my emotional distance however I'm finding it difficult to do this. He's decided that the best way to keep everything above board is to cultivate the 'family man' image. With him managing the pub, this means I have to play a part - the part of the happy, stay at home wife - a part which I've worked very hard to let go of! He even wants to introduce me and the kids to his staff in order to uphold this image (read, see I've got a family so no fraternising with the boss).
Now, I'm not sure if I am glad about this, or if it sucks!
On the one hand, it's good because if he's seen as and acts the part of family man (ie no hitting on girls at the pub), I'm not made out to be the stupid wife who's husband is cheating on her. This has come up as an issue before, when he went on holidays abroad with a friend who knew us both and I insisted he tell his friend that we were separated. It's a small town, people gossip and I want to hold on to the little bit of dignity I have left. On the other hand, knowing we have to play this part and knowing it's not true, could lead to some very dangerous turmoil in my head. I'm living a lie here and I was never a good liar.
Does it really matter that the two (outside image, inside reality) don't match? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? I don't know. I'm a bit late in thinking about this though - I've already insisted I meet the boss and I've nodded my head when he was talking about the 'family man' part. So I've already agreed with it, now I have to live it as well.
I think I'll take a leaf out of Eckhart Tolle's book and not apply a good or bad judgement to it. Are there advantages in being seen as a happy family? Sure there are - mostly for the kids in that they get to experience a normal family life, with both of us looking happy with whatever and it will make them feel good. And some of that is not a lie. These days, going out is less stressful than I could ever have imagined and we actually have a reasonable time when we are out. Ex has made it very easy this week by taking us out for lunch and dinner while we are helping him, so that I don't need to bother with cooking etc. So playing happy families is more beneficial than if I were to kick up and say "well I'm not doing that..." - where would saying that get me? Absolutely nowhere, that's where. The only hitch in the whole thing are my thoughts, which have trouble reconciling a situation that would normally be seen as negative. If I can apply the same emotional distance to this situation as I have to other situations and see it as neither good nor bad, then I will be OK - no mind trauma, if you know what I mean.
As I write this, I know ex has appreciated the help I've given him - decorating the inside with a Christmas theme and getting things he needs from the supermarket. For myself, I can say that my helping him may go some way to making up for our horrible past. I will do whatever it takes to cultivate a normal family atmosphere and if that means going along for the ride in this particular scenario, then so be it.
More on this later.
2 comments:
i think i know a bit about how you feel. i always feel i need to help ex (ali on here) when he asks, because i am still locked in to the idea that i need to not rock the boat. if he gets angry then it's awful.
but i am getting better at saying no, something i never had trouble with if it was seriously something against my morals. i did say no in the past when it was truly against my beliefs and serious - and he would get really shitty but i wouldn't budge.
but the smaller things, like what you mention, eg helping with decorating, i still find myself doing these things. it's like there's a link because of princess, there's an obligation, when there would probably be no contact if there was no child.
but the bigger thing, the living a lie - only you can answer what you are comfortable with. it sounds to me though that playing family man in this instance he can see will help him, be of benefit to you. what do you get out of it? other than a feeling that you are keeping things smooth?
perhaps you could ask, if the bar is a success and money comes in, whether you might not be able to get your own house, nearby, and you can share custody of the kids with him? or is that something you don't feel necessary? that you are managing the living together situation better now?
i'm only asking because i am trying to keep YOUR best interests in mind, and your living situation would be very difficult, no matter how well you are superficially getting along.
something to think about, is all.
x
I think we are in the same kind of boat. For the small things, I'd rather say yes not only to keep the peace, but to show the kids that we are co-operating. There's a definite link because of the kids - even if we were living apart, there'd be something I'd need to do for him because we'd have to have contact because we DO have children together and nothing is going to change that. I didn't want to take on the decorating thing because I'm not really good at it and I didn't need him to start criticising me all over again. However, it all worked out well and he likes what I did and I think he was happy to have someone take that part on because he was busy with other things.
With regards to the bigger thing, I have to admit that I'm at peace with the living situation and don't feel the need to move out. The more I think about it, the better I feel about it. The next move I am focussed on is the move back home. Until then, I'm happy to stay right where I am. We both benefit, not to mention it being better for the kids. Personally, I have a better sense of security living with him and if I get sick, I have someone to take care of me (which he does) and vice versa. If we were in Australia, I'd have no hesitation about moving out and sharing custody, but it's different here some how. I don't feel as confident or as independent as I do back home.
Having said that, he's not going to be home much now that he's got the pub to keep him busy. So I guess we're both getting the space we need.
And thanks for looking out for me. Your questions do get me thinking, which is always a good thing. :)
xx
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