Feeling good

Now here's the thing. After months and months of misery (post edit - I think that should be years), I've started to feel a little happy again. Truly, I can't believe it myself. Last week, I had a few days in a row that I would class as 'orange' days on my mood chart. Orange is excellent, feeling noticeably happy, blue is really good, green good, pink is OK, and black, well, think black hole.

Normally feeling happy for me is a response to a positive event and lasts for an hour or two or three. It's never extended, which is why these particular episodes stand out. Lately, I've had two of these happy episodes, both lasting about 2 - 3 days, and I don't know why I was feeling so happy. The situation hasn't changed, maybe I have.

I have no explanation for why the change has occurred, but it's definitely there. It's a bit scary really. Previous episodes of 'happy', in the days when ex and I were together, were always followed by huge, depressing spirals. But these aren't. These periods are followed by stability and though the happy feeling is gone, I still feel OK. It's all very new and very good (so far).

I am expecting to crash - to have those destructive, black feelings creep up and ambush me like some mugger. I will deal with it when and if it happens. About a week out from my period is the most likely time for a crash to happen, so I'm on the lookout.

The dilemma here is of course, am I fulfilling my own expectations? It's like if you expect a kid to behave badly, chances are s/he will. So, am I creating the same experience for myself, just because I expect it to happen?

I've been in situations where I've not expected a crash and I have. I've been home in Australia and knew it wouldn't happen and it didn't. Then I've had other times when it's taken me completely by surprise and I stop in the middle of it and ask myself "What the f*ck is going on? How did I let myself get here?"

Self fulfilling prophecy? Maybe. This time around I'm not going to analyse it too much. God knows, I'm so sick of talking about myself. I'm going along for the ride and taking the feelings for what they are and leaving it at that.


So that's all then.