The crash I mean. The crash I've been warily waiting for, the one that would send me into a spinning spiral of depression and self loathing. It wasn't pretty, but not as bad as I thought it would be.
Ever since the decision to stay here for the next three years, I've been mentioning to the kids... when we go back to Australia we'll do this and this... but at the same time, making sure they knew that we were definitely staying here for the next three years. I didn't see anything wrong with it. I think they deserve to know what's going on in respect to their schooling. I wasn't looking at it very carefully though.
BIG MISTAKE. I really can be so stupid sometimes.
It came up yesterday when we were watching something on tv and daughter asked me if ex would be coming back to Australia with us. She caught me completely off guard. I said I wasn't sure, that we didn't know what was going to happen in 3 years time and that she shouldn't worry. She cried, obviously working out for herself that ex is unlikely to come back with us. I comforted her and said we didn't know what was going to happen in the future, we just have to concentrate on what we have now.
She knows we're separated. I had to tell her what was going on "papa and I don't make each other happy anymore, so now we want to do our own things, but we still both want to stay together to be a family in the same house."- what else can you say when she asks things like, "Why does Papa hate you mummy?". Do you love papa she asked me. Yes, I do, I told her back. It wasn't a lie. I do care about him and deep down I think I'd still call the feelings I have for him love. But I know he doesn't love me so those feeling are way, way down in the deepest recesses of my brain, because I can't function if they are out in front.
So anyway, hearing the question from my daughter about going back to Australia made him angry. I knew straight away. I knew too, what he was thinking - that behind his back, I'd been filling the kids heads with stories about how wonderful Australia is and what we are going to do when we finally get there. He's wrong, I don't do this. But I do mention Australia in a positive way and I do answer their questions - "Are we ever going back to Australia?" Yes, probably when you finish standard 5". Son doesn't ask, he's not as mature as daughter - she's just way ahead. Regardless, sensing his anger, I started to spin. My mind went into overdrive - will he kick me out? Is this it? Will he take daughter and ask me to take our son back? Lots of horrible questions that I didn't have answers too. It was all I could do to remain calm on the outside.
So, after we'd gotten home, I put the kids to bed as fast as I could and took some xanax. I knew I needed it to stop me spinning out, to stop the spiral that was going to grab me and drag me down. I DID NOT WANT TO GO THERE. I thought the best solution to what had happened was just to hear what he had to say and not deny it or get defensive - something that's never worked in the past -and that was only going to happen if I was calm ie on xanax. He was angry and he let me know it. I took it. If he thought I was talking about Australia too much, let him think it. I apologised. He said it takes away the focus of what I'm supposed to be doing - concentrating on the here and now and building up a positive life for me and the kids. I agreed. It's too soon to talk about the future. He said we'd agreed not to talk to the kids about the future, I didn't remember it that way. Whatever. Dulled from the xanax, it was easier to hear and I didn't fight him back.
One thing he did say was that when the time comes, he wants them to choose. I don't want them too because I still think they will be too young. They don't need that kind of pressure. We, as the adults in their lives, should choose for them. I wanted so much to tell him this, to make him understand that I think he is wrong, but I didn't say anything. I kept it inside and I will bring it up when we need to think about it. No use thinking about things that are not going to happen for another 2 years. I realised that I can store it away for a better time, whereas before, I'd blurt it all out no matter what (kinda like a vomit, kinda).
Today, I noticed myself getting really shitty with the kids. It was scary, I felt the anger building inside and I did not want to explode. More xanax. I haven't taken xanax for weeks, but it's still very useful when I get like this. So, after taking that, I calmly made brownies with the kids. After that, made them lunch and then walked into ex's room. we needed to talk. He was good, not stressed, calm and focussed. We discussed the above. I saw his point of view. How would I like it if he always talked about what he and daughter would do when son and I were gone. I wouldn't like it. I shouldn't have been talking about the future that way. I should have been more tactful and not talked about it at all. I apologised. I was groggy from the extra xanax but still able to think. He talked some more, I said again I'd watch what I was saying. He started talking about other things. It was over.
I was tired and hungry and the anger and fear in the pit of my stomach had gone. I was still a little groggy so I had a lie down and woke up in time to cook dinner.
Lesson learned - as Eckhart Tolle says, all we have is now.
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